Only a week ago, Roseanne Barr bragged to her friend Rabbi Shmuley Boteach that she had traded in Roseanne’s famous couch afghan for a blanket woven from TV offers. Roseanne even promised that she’d be doing a TV interview very soon, her first since ABC fired her for her racist tweet about Valerie Jarrett. But Roseanne’s first interview is going to be on YouTube instead of TV.
It’s been a little over a month since Roseanne Barr’s Ambien-powered tweetin’ fingers fucked with an easy check when her show Roseanne got canceled because she just couldn’t help herself and shat up a racist tweet about Valerie Jarrett. Since then, ABC has ordered a Roseanne-less spin-off of Roseanne called The Conners. And surprisingly, Roseanne hasn’t tried to prove that she’s not a racist by going away for a few weeks before hitting the pap stroll hand-in-hand with Al Sharpton while holding a certificate that shows she graduated with honors from Starbucks diversity training program. Instead of doing that, Roseanne bought a jumbo-sized bottle of glycerin tears at Costco and she’s been crying in interviews including one where she said that she’s been offered tons of deals to make her triumphant return to television and she’s very close to taking one. To quote my sister when I told her I couldn’t go to the movies with her because I had an actual date with an actual human man, “Sure, girl.”
While ABC is clearly ready to move on from the embarrassing mess that was Roseanne, Roseanne Barr herself isn’t able to exit stage left as easily. For nearly a month now, Roseanne’s name has been synonymous with Ambien jokes due to a really gross Tweet she made about former Obama adviser Valerie Jarrett. Roseanne has issued some excuse-heavy apologies on Twitter, like saying her Planet of the Apes crack was really about anti-semitism. Well, now we can hear what one of those apologies sounds like; Roseanne has given her first interview since this all went down. And much like the name of Carly Rae Jepsen’s last album, Roseanne’s interview was full of capital-E emotion.
As expected, TV Line is reporting that ABC has ordered a spin-off of their Roseanne revival tentatively titled The Conners. Just like that, the Roseanne in Roseanne disappears into the Roseanne graveyard of things we never speak of again, like Dan’s death, or Lonnie Anderson.
Roseanne Barr’s holy conscious may finally be cleared, everyone! No, not because she’s stopped being offensive, racist or crazy–that’s not what’s been keeping her up at night. Roseanne (pictured above with the one black person she knows, 8-year-old co-star, actress Jayden Rey) no longer needs to worry her pure soul about putting a bunch of wealthy Caucasian actors out of work: the Roseanne spinoff is close to confirmed!
Kanye West took time away from healing the racial schism in America, contributing to the midterm elections and saving Chicago, to release some new music to the world. Oh and you better believe 2018’s rap version of Plato served you up some Allegory of the Cave-reallness, honey. Time for a mental and emotional deep dive into Kanye West’s psyche. Strap in and strap on.