Tina Fey totally just got a text from Amy Poehler that said: “Are you breaking up with me? Look, I know Sisters didn’t bring in a pile of money, but it’s not our fault – I mean, we were up against Star Wars. WE WERE UP AGAINST STAR WARS!!!”
You can go ahead and file this one into the folder marked “Headlines I Never Thought I’d Write“, because, honestly, I never thought I’d be writing about a future movie starring Liz Lemon and professional ass-kicker Ronda Rousey. But here we are. Variety says that Universal has picked up Do Nothing Bitches, an upcoming film written by my favorite SNL fake audience member Paula Pell (who also wrote Sisters) and based off a term coined by Ronda to describe hot lazy wallet-humpers. No word on whether Tina will be playing a do nothing bitch, but they do say that Ronda will be playing a “no-nonsense” instructor at a do nothing bitch conversion camp. Tina Fey is also producing it.
Normally the thought of a ____-turned-actor gives me a bad feel in my stomach (see: the undisputed queen of ____-turned-actresses, Cindy Crawford), but Ronda might not be that bad by the time Do Nothing Bitch starts filming. She’ll already have han SNL episode and (with the blessing of the ghost of Patrick Swayze) that Roadhouse remake on the resume on the back of her acting headshot.
But does it even really matter? No, because the only film we need about a do nothing bitch who goes to bootcamp has already been made: MAJOR MOVIE STAR! Sorry Hollywood, but unless you recast Tina and Ronda with Jessica Simpson (playing both parts, of course), there’s no way you can top such indisputable excellence in film.
I should clarify; that makes it sound like Ronda Rousey was like “I want to celebrate a fight well fought by taking a trip to the hospital. Maybe they’ll give me a tour of the X-ray room?” No, Ronda Rousey took the way less fun kind of trip to the hospital.
So last night, full-time MMA fighter and part-time Floyd Mayweather Jr. dragger Ronda Rousey fought another MMA fighter named Holly Holm in Australia. From what I know about MMA fighting (ie: what I learned from the 1985 film Gymkata), it is my understanding that Ronda Rousey is good at her job. Well, nobody’s good at their job all the time, and according to TMZ, she got knocked the fuck out in the second round. Unfortunately, it was the kind of knockout that made everyone start whispering “shit shit shit, she has travel insurance, right?“, and about two seconds after they rang the bell, an ambulance hauled Ronda Rousey’s ass to the hospital.
TMZ says Ronda didn’t speak to the press after the fight, but a rep for UFC released a statement on her behalf saying that she was taken to the hospital as a precautionary measure. TMZ says Ronda didn’t have a concussion, but she had a huge gash in the middle of her lip and she was kept overnight in the hospital. They also have some pictures (not safe for people who get the heaves at the sight of blood) of Ronda Rousey’s busted face, if that’s something you want to see.
Now let’s add a layer off random to this story, shall we? Shortly after Ronda was knocked out, Lady Gaga grabbed her disco stick and started poking at Ronda on Instagram.
Here’s Ronda Rousey and Holly Holm (whose names totally sound like they were created by Stan Lee) a few days before their fight at an open training session in Melbourne.