Irritating shithead Justin Bieber is probably in a pissy mood from looking like this in public, and allegedly decided to take it out on UFC celebrity Ronda Rousey, according to Complex. Ronda lost a match on Friday night and Canada’s Least Wanted apparently took to his Fisher-Price smartphone to tug at her jillstrap, again.
Well this is some sad fucking news. We already know that things were a massive pile of shit for professional ass-kicker and SI swimsuit model Ronda Rousey after she lost a UFC fight in Australia to Holly Holm back in November. Ronda took a major beating to her face and was knocked out in the second round, and she ended up spending the night in the hospital. But apparently things for Ronda were a whole lot worse than a mangled mouth and a bunch of cartoon birdies flying around her head.
During a recent appearance on Ellen, Ronda admitted that leaving the fight with a face full of stitches instead of a gold-plated UFC belt made her so sad, she considered killing herself. Ronda figured that if she was no longer MMA Champion Ronda Rousey, she wasn’t any of any use to anyone. The only thing to pull her out of her dark hole of sadness was looking up at her current boyfriend Travis Browne and realizing she wanted to carry a litter of his pups.
God, what a bummer though. Imagine being the best at something and then instantly not being the best at it? That would be like if Kanye West logged on to Twitter and realized there was someone tweeting even crazier shit about Steve Jobs and needing money for holograms. That truly is a “What the hell do I do now?” moment.
I really feel for Ronda Rousey. Holly Holm fucked up Ronda’s teeth so badly that doctors told her it would be six weeks before she could attempt to chomp on an apple. And honestly, if a doctor told me my teeth couldn’t handle food, I’d be in a bad place too.
True-to-life terminator Ronda Rousey is punching and kicking the blood and snot out of this year’s Sports Illustrated “Swimsuit Issue” cover. They better have put her on the cover. No one wants a blonde death machine flinging the desks about in the editorial department.
Rousey tweeted that she was honored to share the cover with fellow bikini jockeys Ashley Graham and Hailey Clauson. The magazine has released three different covers for the annual issue this year. Collect all of them for your fapping pleasure!
In other intriguing swimsuit issue news, Sports Illustrated has discovered that beauty is not just a size zero. It might even be a size 2, according to SI Associate Managing Editor MJ Day.
“The three covers of Hailey, Ronda and Ashley celebrate the new SI Swimsuit. All three women are beautiful, sexy and strong. Beauty is not cookie cutter. Beauty is not ‘one size fits all.’ Beauty is all around us and that became especially obvious to me while shooting and editing this year’s issue.”
WRONG. The beauty standard should be emaciation with huge tits! This is America, you wrong-headed weirdos. My fupa should be chased through the streets with torches and pitchforks!
Check out Ronda, Ashley and Hailey finding out they’re sharing the cover this year below. You’ll also notice that host Nick Cannon looks like his post-Mimi marriage wilding out bender is mid-full swing.
See all of the covers in the gallery.
Pics: Sports Illustrated
Because Sarah Palin’s Meth Libs endorsement speech is still assaulting our brains (I literally can’t get the words “bitter-clingin” out of my head), Saturday Night Live decided to call up the world’s foremost expert in Sarah Palin cosplay and see if she’d be willing to drag her a bit during the cold open. Clearly there’s no amount of Jonas snow that could keep Tina Fey away from the chance to bust out some crazy Sarah Palin performance art, because she showed up. Although to be fair, I’m pretty sure anyone would risk frostbite on their butthole if it meant the opportunity to wear that gorgeous “I’m reporting your ass to the HOA” wig and Sarah’s super classy beaded jacket.
So basically the joke here is that a stinky earwax-covered Q-tip like Donald Trump thinks that Sarah Palin is busted ball of crazy. I don’t know about that; after all, he did just tell people he could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot someone and not lose any voters. I think that’s what’s known as the dumbass pot calling the dumbass kettle dumb.
For those of you wondering “Wait, didn’t Tina Fey just host SNL?“, yes, she did. But technically last night’s host was professional trick whooper Ronda Rousey, who was decent for someone who has been hit in the head so many times. She was joined by musical guest Selena Gomez, who did a spot-on impression of a Bratz Babyz Crazy Karaoke doll.
I did enjoy Tina’s not-so-subtle shout out to Sarah Palin’s loser son Track. I’m sure that as soon as Sarah figured out how to switch the dictation settings on her iPad from English to ‘Laskan (Sarah don’t do books and pens), she made a note that says: “Tell Track’s lawyer that he should plead not guilty of nothin’ but committin’ some crimes.“
Tina Fey totally just got a text from Amy Poehler that said: “Are you breaking up with me? Look, I know Sisters didn’t bring in a pile of money, but it’s not our fault – I mean, we were up against Star Wars. WE WERE UP AGAINST STAR WARS!!!”
You can go ahead and file this one into the folder marked “Headlines I Never Thought I’d Write“, because, honestly, I never thought I’d be writing about a future movie starring Liz Lemon and professional ass-kicker Ronda Rousey. But here we are. Variety says that Universal has picked up Do Nothing Bitches, an upcoming film written by my favorite SNL fake audience member Paula Pell (who also wrote Sisters) and based off a term coined by Ronda to describe hot lazy wallet-humpers. No word on whether Tina will be playing a do nothing bitch, but they do say that Ronda will be playing a “no-nonsense” instructor at a do nothing bitch conversion camp. Tina Fey is also producing it.
Normally the thought of a ____-turned-actor gives me a bad feel in my stomach (see: the undisputed queen of ____-turned-actresses, Cindy Crawford), but Ronda might not be that bad by the time Do Nothing Bitch starts filming. She’ll already have han SNL episode and (with the blessing of the ghost of Patrick Swayze) that Roadhouse remake on the resume on the back of her acting headshot.
But does it even really matter? No, because the only film we need about a do nothing bitch who goes to bootcamp has already been made: MAJOR MOVIE STAR! Sorry Hollywood, but unless you recast Tina and Ronda with Jessica Simpson (playing both parts, of course), there’s no way you can top such indisputable excellence in film.
I should clarify; that makes it sound like Ronda Rousey was like “I want to celebrate a fight well fought by taking a trip to the hospital. Maybe they’ll give me a tour of the X-ray room?” No, Ronda Rousey took the way less fun kind of trip to the hospital.
So last night, full-time MMA fighter and part-time Floyd Mayweather Jr. dragger Ronda Rousey fought another MMA fighter named Holly Holm in Australia. From what I know about MMA fighting (ie: what I learned from the 1985 film Gymkata), it is my understanding that Ronda Rousey is good at her job. Well, nobody’s good at their job all the time, and according to TMZ, she got knocked the fuck out in the second round. Unfortunately, it was the kind of knockout that made everyone start whispering “shit shit shit, she has travel insurance, right?“, and about two seconds after they rang the bell, an ambulance hauled Ronda Rousey’s ass to the hospital.
TMZ says Ronda didn’t speak to the press after the fight, but a rep for UFC released a statement on her behalf saying that she was taken to the hospital as a precautionary measure. TMZ says Ronda didn’t have a concussion, but she had a huge gash in the middle of her lip and she was kept overnight in the hospital. They also have some pictures (not safe for people who get the heaves at the sight of blood) of Ronda Rousey’s busted face, if that’s something you want to see.
Now let’s add a layer off random to this story, shall we? Shortly after Ronda was knocked out, Lady Gaga grabbed her disco stick and started poking at Ronda on Instagram.
Here’s Ronda Rousey and Holly Holm (whose names totally sound like they were created by Stan Lee) a few days before their fight at an open training session in Melbourne.