Sarah Jessica Parker should go ahead and add, “Also looking for a neurotic ass ginger who looks good in a business suit,” to the casting ad she’s going to post on Backstage to find a new Samantha, because it doesn’t look like Miranda Hobbes will be available for that third Sex and the City turd that only Carrie and Charlotte want.
As expected, Mrs. Rojo Caliente announced today that she’s going to try to take down Mr. Sandra Lee. Cynthia Nixon is running for Governor of New York against Andrew Cuomo. If you’re a New Yorker and screaming about how you’re sick of famous people running for office when they’ve never really had a job in politics before (see: Antonio Sabato Jr., Stacey Dash, etc…), then I need to tell you that a vote against Cynthia Nixon is a vote against Rojo Caliente becoming First Lady of New York and that is a vote against GOD, pretty much.
We found out last year that the idea of running for the governor of New York has been dancing inside of Cynthia Nixon’s head and that several people have told her to go for it. And in January, Cynthia moved the “rumor” closer to fact when she was asked if she was going to battle it out against the current governor, Mr. Sandra Lee (otherwise known as Andrew Cuomo), for the position of head bitch of New York, and she said, “Maybe.” And now NY1 is hearing that Cynthia is so serious about running that she’s getting her team together. You know, Cynthia Nixon is perfect for the world of politics. She’s used to dealing with petty and catty bitches in overpriced shoes.
We will always have Sex and The City to thank for the divine inspiration that led Michael to gift us with the moniker Rojo Caliente. For that I am thankful. But I, and I think many Americans, have successfully moved the fuck on. And late last year, the hookers of SATC seemed to have come to terms with the end of the road after Kim Cattrall said she couldn’t take it anymore and put the kibosh on a third installment of the movie franchise. I mean, they went down kicking and screaming and clawing each others eyes out, but it seemed like it was safe to toss the dirt on the coffin. Not so fast! Sarah Jessica Parker was on Ellen recently and made it sound as if SATC might have been buried alive.
Stanford Blatch Isn’t Only Holding Carrie Bradshaw’s Fendi Baguette, He’s Using It To Smack At Samantha Jones
All together: THIS AGAIN.
In case you’ve been focusing on more important matters (like doing a study on how long does it really take for paint to dry on a wall) and haven’t been following the war between Kim Cattrall and everyone else from Sex and the City, let me throw it down real quick for you.
The Daily Mail got the messiness started by reporting that Kim’s diva bitch shenanigans and crazy demands were keeping a third Sex and the City movie from terrorizing our senses. Sarah Jessica Parker responded by only saying that a third movie isn’t happening. Kim defended herself by saying that the only demand she made was to not do another movie. Kristin Davis cried about it on Instagram, and Willie Garson (who played Carrie’s gay sidekick Stanford Blatch) popped his head into the shit storm to say that the rumors from The Daily Mail were true. Kim kept on defending herself and talked to smug butt plug in a suit Piers Morgan about the situation. Kim said that SJP could’ve been nicer about her not wanting to do another movie, and she dropped a fart on her ex-castmates for not supporting her decision.
And here we are now, and here’s Stanford Blatch to come at Samantha Jones for a second time.
The 2017 Tonys had only one job to do and that was to give us Bette Midler yodeling out a song from Hello Dolly! That didn’t happen. Thirty five layers of NOT AMUSED swept across my face when I realized that the rumors about Bette not performing at the Tonys were true. The phones at CBS’ offices probably exploded from mad bitches demanding a damn refund of their time when the performance from Hello Dolly! turned out to be Niles Crane singing a boring song in front of a boring curtain. But Bette Midler kind of made up for it when she shut down the orchestra who dared try to play her away from the mic.
After Sex and the City Number Two was called out as a sequined dried turd by most critics and became a Razzie award winner, the show’s creator and the director of the movies Michael Patrick King said that they had one more
bowel movement movie in them and I took that to mean that he really wanted a bigger summer house in the Hamptons.
Even though the second SATC movie, which splattered onto screens in 2010, was a flop in the hearts of many fans and was offensive on every level, it still made almost $300 million worldwide. So of course those bitches have another story to tell. Jennifer Hudson says that story may be told soon, because someone recently talked to her about a third movie. During an interview with Dish Nation (via E!), JHud spilled this:
“I think it might be [happening]. Somebody just came to me talking about that. So if it’s in the talks, it might happen. So look out for your girl Louise from St. Louis.”
In the file folder labeled “Final SATC movie” in Michael Patrick King’s head, I hope there’s a plot summary in there that reads: “The SATC hos watch Rojo Caliente eat an orange for 2 hours straight.” Now THAT is the only SATC movie I want to see.
But really, we all know what the FINAL SATC story is. They all retire and move into a small, three bedroom tract home in Miami and when they’re not getting into hijinks, they’re laughing over
cosmos cheesecake in the kitchen. Carrie will be played by a Bea Arthur hologram, Samantha will be played by a Rue McClanahan hologram, Miranda will be played by an Estelle Getty hologram and Charlotte will be played by a Betty White hologram (the real Betty White doesn’t want any part of that shit).
And does Sarah Jessica Parker really need MORE money? Look at this trick in NYC the other day. She was out for a casual gallop and found a check for $4,700 on the sidewalk. Money just falls at her hooves!