Here are some of the things I know about Robert Pattinson: He played the sedated-faced vampire in Twilight. He was in one of the Happy Potter movies (I think he played a character named Diggory Sled?). He’s “kind-of” engaged to FKA Twigs. He gets terrible hair cuts. According to Robert Pattinson, I know too much!
If this isn’t a post fit for the “Well Well Well” tag, then I don’t know what is. Remember way back to yesterday, when we were reporting the scandalous news that Katy Perry was spotted sitting next to Robert Pattinson at dinner? Sorry – canoodling over noodles (get it right, Allison). And it was fine and not suspicious at all because Katy and Robert are just friends, and also he’s “kind of” engaged to FKA Twigs? Here’s the part where we all start thinking: “Shoot, maybe that seating choice was more scandalous than we thought.”
On Saturday night, Katy Perry and Robert Pattinson were seen having dinner at the Sunset Towers Hotel. Katy Perry is reportedly single. Robert Pattinson is reportedly “kind of ” engaged to FKA Twigs. That’s fine, who doesn’t eat dinner with people they’re not (abstractly) attached to? But they were photographed sitting closely beside each other. Okay, well that’s fine. There’s no law against sitting next to someone you aren’t in a relationship with! Although something tells me the following picture and accompanying shamefully punny caption won’t do much to kill any suspicions.
That suit makes him look like he gave someone a handie. Robert Pattinson says that he was kidding when he told Jimmy Kimmel that he refused to jerk off a pooch on the set of Good Time. Well, that’s good to know. Because, unless you’re an animal breeder or a veterinarian, you should let the dogs ruin their own eyesight, if you get what I’m sayin’. (Do dogs do that? Someone risk an alarming browser history and look it up.) I’m not sure what kind of dark web bullshit your movie is when you’re asking the actors to jerk off dogs, but it sure doesn’t sound like the sort of movie you’re going to see Meryl Streep in.
The filming for Robert Pattinson’s movie seems a little, well, icky. As Edward Cullen, he wasn’t that into werewolves, and, as an actor, he ain’t that into pup play, either. Page Six reports Robert was on Jimmy Kimmel Live last night promoting his new flick Good Time, and it sounds like he didn’t have that much of one when his director tried to get him to wank off a pooch. I get character acting, but dog diddling has me channeling Phaedra Parks saying, “Something in the buttermilk ain’t clean!” Um, say wha?
I am not kidding when I say I just looked out my window to check and see if any large, scary gray clouds filled the sky. I got this nervous feeling that the remaining Twihards (their numbers may be small, but their obsession is strong) might collectively react to this news by mentally manifesting an angry storm. Thankfully they might be kept busy trying to decode Robert Pattinson’s purposefully cryptic message.