If while flipping channels you’ve come across heave-inducing shows like Donnie Loves Jenny and another Duck Dynasty spin-off, and figured that A&E has run out of ideas and given up, think again, ho. A&E has given the people what we really need and want: a reality show where Rob Lowe and his sons travel the country investigating paranormal shit and unsolved mysteries. What they should’ve investigated is why A&E gave Rob Lowe a show about paranormal shit. Now that is an unsolved mystery that needs solving.
Kate Beckinsale shared a little story on Instagram yesterday about how when she was 13 years old, she had a crush on Rob Lowe and proposed marriage to him in a fan letter. The year was around 1986, two years before Rob Lowe made that sex tape, so if he really saw a 13-year-old Kate’s letter, he probably would’ve told her to send a pic and if he likes what he sees, he’ll send a car. But instead, Kate says she got a postcard from “Rob Lowe” telling her that he’ll marry her. “Rob Lowe” must’ve used the Hung Like A Pony Express to send the postcard, because he drew a super short dick in the stamp area. If Rob Lowe was really a romantic, he would’ve rolled his peen on a stamp pad and slapped the postcard with it.
On Tuesday, TMZ posted what they claimed was an online job posting for a personal assistant for Rob Lowe. The only problem is that it’s going to be pretty hard to apply for that gig, because both Rob Lowe and his team have pulled an “I don’t know her” on that ad.
Comedy’s Central Roast of Rob Lowe, which filmed on Saturday and will air on Labor Day, starred a motley crew of random people. David Spade, Jeff Ross, Jewel (who worked with Rob on a TV show), Ralph Macchio, comedian Nikki Glaser, SNL’s Pete Davidson, Peyton Manning, Rob Riggle and Jimmy Carr all took turns roasting the asshole of the ex-member of the Brat Pack. Ann Coulter was also there and when it was announced that she was going to take part, I just knew that it would become The Shitting On Ann Coulter Scat Show. When you put Ann Coulter in a roast with a bunch of comedians, you should expect them to flame her until she turns to ash, and then piss and shit on her ashes, and then mold those ashes into an Ann Coulter statue so they can roast her some more. And they did!
“Siri, how many people are pissed at me right now? That many? Oh crap…”
Shortly after the horrible, awful attacks in Paris happened on Friday night, pretty much every famous person took to Facebook and Instagram and Twitter and Snapchat and that thing Madonna was trying to make happen (Meerkat?) and filled it with their thoughts and prayers and #PrayForParis hashtags and red-white-and-blue. Of course, there has to be one person who makes a bunch of people cross their arms and shake their heads while saying “No…no…“, and that person was Rob Lowe.
Before today, my benchmark for the saddest of situations was from Making the Band, where Ikaika Kahoano’s crusty joy-miser father traveled all the way from Hawaii to pressure him to quit O-Town, thus preventing him from what would surely be the pinnacle of his career, the music video for Liquid Dreams (my eyes are getting watery just thinking about it). But thanks to Rob Lowe, that’s no longer the saddest, most unjust thing I can think of. Rob was brave enough to open up to the New York Times and speak candidly about the silent struggle of history’s forgotten victims, pretty people:
‘There’s this unbelievable bias and prejudice against quote-unquote good-looking people, that they can’t be in pain or they can’t have rough lives or be deep or interesting. They can’t be any of the things that you long to play as an actor. I’m getting to play those parts now and loving it. When I was a teen idol, I was so goddamn pretty I wouldn’t have taken myself seriously.”
WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE ATTRACTIVE???? Just because they won the genetic lottery and people smile at them like they’re damn living angels who can make a living from letting people film them or take pictures of their pretty faces, does that mean they do not feel sadness? Or bleed? (well, they still bleed, but it’s just a thinner, more attractive shade of red). When will we, as a society, stand up and stop turning a blind eye to the plight of the square-jawed and perfect-nosed? The next time you’re out and you see a beautiful person, give them a hug and reassure them “I know your life is hard, but we’re all here for you. Stay strong.”