During Rob Ford’s term as mayor of Toronto (I should get a pin), one thing you heard a lot while he was knocking old ladies over, smoking crack or bragging about having enough pussy to eat at home was that it all felt like a movie. Enough people must have said it, because Hollywood is making a movie about the late Rob Ford. Unfortunately, Hollywood isn’t powerful enough to bring Chris Farley back from the dead for the role he was born to play. The Hollywood Reporter says that Rob Ford will be played by Damian Lewis in a film called Run This Town.
After fighting an 18-month long battle with cancer, come-to-life Chris Farley impersonation and former Mayor of Toronto Rob Ford has died at the age of 46. The Toronto Star says that Ford’s family confirmed his death earlier today, but won’t be releasing any specifics. Rob Ford’s messy mayoral antics came to an abrupt stop at the end of 2014 when he was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer called pleomorphic liposarcoma. He underwent surgery in 2015 to remove it, but two tumors were found a few months later.
I know Drake thinks that Toronto (no I will not call it The 6) is his thing, but back in 2014, Toronto belonged to Mayor Rob Ford. Rob Ford became famous for being himself, which was a loud crack-smoking booze-chugging Bieber-loving (then later, Bieber-fighting), proud pussy eating, old lady crashing-into ball of crazy. Rob Ford was parodied on SNL and invited to bring his bumbling mayor act to an episode of Jimmy Kimmel Live!. Did I mention he was still the Mayor of Canada’s largest city during all of this?
Eventually Rob Ford’s drunk messiness got out of hand and he was sent to rehab, which…didn’t exactly work. Being a two-term Mayor didn’t work out for him either. Rob Ford withdrew from the mayoral race after he was diagnosed with cancer. He leaves behind his wife, two children, as well as his brother and BFF Doug, who is also a Toronto politician.
Rob Ford is responsible for a lot of bad, but he’s also responsible for a very good. Rob Ford gave us former Hot Slut Joe Killoren. I’d say that bringing a sexy shirtless bear into our lives is reason enough to pour one out for him today.
Sad news for those of you who were looking forward to another four beautiful years of watching the human crack rock in Dollarama Chris Farley drag stumble around like a giant vodka-chugging drug-smoking baby. The Globe and Mail says that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has withdrawn from the mayoral race. The grown-up garbage pail kid is currently laid-up in the hospital with an abdominal tumor (aka a 10lb crack rock that got stuck on a piece of ham in his lower intestine) but he released a statement saying that he’s no longer pursuing re-election, however he’ll still be running for a seat in city council. He also said he’s giving his place in the mayoral race to his brother Doug Ford, a dude who looks like the definition of a shady tip-stealing strip club owner.
This all comes literally 3 days after convicted rapist and visual representation of bad decisions, Mike Tyson, publicly endorsed Rob Ford in his run for re-election. You know, before he lost his shit on live TV and called a reporter a ‘rat piece of shit’. “Ooh, that’s a good one! I’ll have to remember that for the next time I go on a crackie rant!” – Rob Ford.
So there you have it; the little drug-fueled engine that could barely is pulling into the station for good. I feel like now is a good time for someone to make an ‘In Memoriam’ video featuring a slow-motion montage of the human ball of sweat’s greatest moments as mayor set to the song “Gold in Them Hills“. Rob Ford running into a news camera. Rob Ford running into a fire hydrant. Rob Ford running through city hall and knocking over an elderly council member. Rob Ford trying to run on a football field and falling on his ass. There’s just so much footage to pick from. He’s like a one-man America’s Funniest Home Video segment.
And is it just me, or does it look like Mayor McCheese has lost a little bit of weight? Maybe someone’s cut off his food supply at home.
In an article that could have been written by Doge and titled: “Wow, much mess, so surprise”, The Toronto Star claims that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, was a dumb destructive asshole during his two-month stay in rehab. According to several sources, the human version of ham smell spent most of his time at the GreeneStone rehab facility acting like the sweaty, bloated, grown-up Costco-sized version of Justin Bieber by terrorizing other patients, and not just with his rancid fried chicken farts (but I mean, come on, those were probably an issue too):
During the morning group sessions, where residents are encouraged to share their deepest secrets, Ford was abusive to other residents, shouting them down, refusing to listen, swearing constantly, sources told the Star.
In the hallways and common areas, Ford argued, pushed and shoved other patients who were angry that Ford had “brought his circus with him,” sources said.
“We are not paid enough to deal with this guy,” one counsellor remarked during a conversation with another counsellor.
“Rob Ford literally had the run of the place. There were no rules around Rob Ford,” said another source.
And even though he was at GreeneStone, he might have still been trying to score that white rock:
Management was concerned Ford continued to use drugs or alcohol during his time in rehab. The Star was unable to determine if Ford abused any substances during his two month stint.
GreeneStone’s wooded property has a well known “nature walk” and a concern of staff is that some residents meet their drug dealers or people providing alcohol at the far end of the walk.
Walk? Far? Oh, never mind then. He definitely wasn’t getting any drugs from his dealer. But he was clearly on something! I bet it was animal tranquilizers. That crafty crackie probably wandered around rehab naked hoping someone would mistake him for an albino grizzly bear and call animal control. Then he’d sit back, relax, and wait for the drugs to be delivered directly into his neck via tranquilizer dart.
What a great day to be a Canadian person; the Raptors beat the Brooklyn Nets last night, perpetually-sweaty Mayor Rob Ford got busted smoking crack again (even Marion Barry is like “Slow down, man”), and now this: a story about the spoiled skidmark in Canada’s underwear Justin Bieber trying to start shit with a coked-out Rob Ford at a Toronto night club. All this, AND free healthcare? What a country!
According to The Toronto Star, the real-life Hoggish Greedly kicked off his latest crack-filed meltdown about a month ago when he invited 4 men he met hanging around City Hall back to his house (aka The Crack Nest), where he ordered a party bus and took them to Toronto night club Muzik, where he proceeded to “drink to excess”. Although to be fair, a normal person’s “excess” is his “slightly buzzed”.
By this point in the evening, Rob Ford – who has now turned into a drunk messy garbage person (not a radical transformation) – bumps into the toddler prototype of Baby Alive and tries to shake his hand, to which Justin meets with the question “Did you bring any crack to smoke?” Ugh, I know I should hate that bratty toddler, but a tiny part of my soul is cackling with joy over him asking that drunk shithead about smoking crack. I’m so conflicted right now. Anyways, after he joked about smoking crack, Rob Ford turned into Matt Foley motivational speaker and started screaming and ranting, prompting the 4 random guys he brought to the club to drag him back to their private booth, as Justin walked away.
And I’m sure Justin thought he was acting like such a tough badass, but there’s no way he was going to do any ass-kicking that night; Canadians love a good brawl, but even they draw the line at watching a baby and a man who looks like a baby fight each other.
Speaking of Lil’ Badasses, here’s an Alvin and the Chipmunks-looking Justin Bieber holding up traffic in NYC (but if someone told me it was a screen grab of the scene in Blank Check where Preston buys a limo, I’d believe that too):
Since Allison’s Canadian, she should really be handling this one, but she’s not around right now, because she’s standing outside of Mayor McCrackie’s mansion with a sign that reads, “I STAND BY CRACKIE.” Or maybe she’s out celebrating the fact that the streets of Toronto are safe again since Rob Ford is drying out in rehab.
Everyone’s favorite pussy-eating, crack-smoking mayor announced tonight that he’s taking a leave of absence to get treatment for a “substance abuse” problem and that substance is either crack or pussy, but I’m going to take a wild guess that it’s crack. Rob Ford didn’t decide on his own that he should finally roll on into rehab to try to kick his hunger for crack. A new crack-smoking video and a new drunken audio clip helped him make that decision. The Globe and Mail says that a sequel to Rob Ford’s unreleased crack-smoking video from last year is making the rounds and they’ve seen it. The video was shot by a dealer in Rob Ford’s sister’s basement at around 1am on Saturday. The dealer claims he’s got three videos of Rob Ford smoking crack and he wants six figures for all of them. That dealer must’ve inhaled a whole lot of second-hand crack smoke, because bitch is crazy for thinking those videos are worth six figures. That shit isn’t even worth six pennies. I’ve heard so many stories about Rob Ford smoking crack that I feel like I’ve already seen him smoking crack. And in his sister’s basement? I guess a family that smokes crack together, stays togethers. (“That’s right!” – White Oprah)
The Toronto Sun says that on Monday night Rob Ford was at his most Rob Ford-iest at a bar in Etobicoke. When Rob Ford wasn’t trying to fight with people at the bar, he was downing tequila and talking shit about his wife and his mayoral opponent Karen Stintz. Someone at the bar secretly taped Rob and gave the clip to The Toronto Sun (you can hear it here).
The audio recording, covertly taped by a patron of Sullie Gorman’s Monday night, captures the mayor being unruly as he’s ordering booze at the Royal York Rd. bar, complaining about his wife Renata and making lewd comments about mayoral contender Karen Stintz.
“I’d like to f—–g jam her (Stintz), but she doesn’t want … I can’t talk like this…I’m so sorry,” Ford is heard saying on the recording. “I forgot there’s a woman in the house.”
According to one witness, Ford was seen buying shooters and tequila and trying to fight with patrons Monday.
“He was really wasted,” said the witness. “And he was acting like a real ass.”
Rob’s currently campaigning for reelection in October and he said that his team is hoping he won’t drop out. As the crack dealers of Toronto softly weeped while walking toward the unemployment line, Rob released a long ass statement and here’s a piece of it:
Today, after taking some time to think about my own well-being, how to best serve the people of Toronto and what is in the best interests of my family, I have decided to take a leave from campaigning and from my duties as Mayor to seek immediate help.
I have tried to deal with these issues by myself over the past year. I know that I need professional help and I am now 100% committed to getting myself right.
I love the people of Toronto, I love being your mayor and I hope you will continue to stand by me.
We all know what’s going to happen next. After Rob Ford gets out of rehab, Oprah’s going to interview him and give him a docu-series on OWN. I can’t wait to see the waterfalls of sweat trickle down his face when Oprah tells him to cut the bullshit. And it’s times like these when I really miss Chris Farley. Think of the skits he could’ve done on SNL. Think of the skits.