In the near future, malls and strip malls will only be filled with Starbuckseseseseses (yes, that’s plural for Starbucks), money laundering places fronting as cell phone case stores, and Bath & Body Workseseseseses (again, that’s plural for Bath & Body Works). We already lost the reasonably priced emporium of elegance ensembles that was Charlotte Russe, and now we’re losing Dressbarn, which if you’re not familiar with, sells dresses to humans and doesn’t sell dresses to horses, pigs, cows, and chickens. Although, now I really want to go to a store that sells dresses to chickens.
It is a dark day, because we soon may be without a daily dose of Vanilla Ice stealing shit from nearby homes while shooting The Vanilla Ice Project, and the tip-moistening sight of Mr. Clean’s tattooed handy Canadian brother Mike Holmes in overalls (thank GOD he’s also on HGTV). Because Discovery has announced that in the summer of 2020, the DIY Network will be beaten to death with hammers and thrown into a shallow grave before Chip and Joanna Gaines piss on it while cackling about their impending world domination.
UPDATE: Shitty Cuz may have been captured in Bellflower, CA today.
The only levity to be found in the shocking daylight murder of rapper and community activist Nipsey Hussle, is that the primary suspect in his murder has been identified as Eric Holder. This gives us a moment of amusement imagining the former US Attorney General, with his soft grey natural and nerdy uncle mustache, as a hardened killer. But that one is Eric “Himpton” Holder Jr. According to the TMZ, the actual alleged killer is Eric “Shitty Cuz” Holder. Nipsey was once openly a member of the Rollin’ 60s, a Crenshaw area Crips gang. And while the LAPD says Shitty does have gang ties, it’s thought that the murder was more personal.
The Los Angeles Times reports that Grammy-nominated rapper Nipsey Hussle was shot outside of his store, Marathon Clothing in Crenshaw, at around 3:20pm yesterday. He was taken to the hospital where he was pronounced dead. Police have no suspects and are still investigating the incident. He was only 33.
There are some things we just know are going to stay on this earth forever, like silica packets, those little white tables that save a pizza from getting smushed in a box, Betty White, and up until this morning, Karl Lagerfeld. I can’t be the only one who thought that long after we all turn to dust, Karl will sashay across the land, slightly dropping his signature sunglasses, only to judge the hideous and drab post-apocalyptic landscape before him. But we were all wrong, because Karl died today in Paris at 85.
TMZ is reporting a huge heaping of sad this morning: star of the eternally ridiculous yet somehow always elegant Young & The Restless, Kristoff St. John was found dead at his home yesterday.