Justin Bieber’s Friends Say Justin Bieber Is Totally Sober

Despite the fact that he spent most of a recent concert in New Zealand chugging booze straight from the bottle and sucking back joints (or as he calls them, grown-up juice and silly daddy cigarettes), Justin Bieber – seen above shotgunning a beer in an Instagram video posted three weeks ago – is sober. Or at least that’s what Justin’s famous friends would like you to think.

TMZ says the humanoid tied-off Spring Break condom known as Riff Raff came to Justin’s defense by claiming that Justin isn’t the out-of-control toddler he sometimes appears to be. According to Riff Raff, he and Diplo were hanging out with Justin last week at a recording studio in Hollywood and he was too busy polishing his halo to engage in any bad boy behavior with them. Riff Raff says he and Diplo were “fucked up“, but that Justin was just saying NO to all that shit. They later decided to go to a club, and Riff Raff says Justin was sober the whole time.

When asked about the footage of him acting like Lampwick at Pleasure Island in New Zealand last week, Riff Raff says he may have fallen off the Little Tykes wagon, but added that it was probably just a one-time thing.

Okay, first of all, how in the world would Riff Raff and Diplo even know if someone is sober? Diplo is too busy nervously looking over his shoulders for Taylor Swift’s sugar cookie soldiers and starting shit with tweens on Twitter to notice if Justin slipped some hooch into his sippy cup. And Riff Raff – I mean, would Riff Raff even be able to recognize what “sober” is? Riff Raff’s sober is a regular person’s messy as fuck (or a Lohan’s buzzed).

Maybe TMZ should have asked Riff Raff to be more specific. He never said what they were “fucked up” on. “I was snorting lines of osteoporosis pills cut with Scrubbing Bubbles, but I swear Justin didn’t touch any of it.”

Here’s the poster boy of sobriety climbing a boat in Australia last week. Yeah, that’s totally something a not-high person does.

Pics: Instagram, Splash/INF

Riff Raff Went On A Date With Katy Perry And Now He Thinks They Might Be Dating

Last week, Riff Raff – the antibiotic-resistant herpes sore in white girl Cancun braids (aka that thing burning the innocence off your retinas above) told Katy Perry to put on her best butch Jessie J drag realness and took her out for a night of sushi and bowling. Katy Perry, clearly not giving a fuck about the CDC’s instructions to wait 30 days after her post-John Mayer flea-dip before exposing herself to another questionable crotch situation, agreed and they went out on a date. They went bowling. They had sushi. They posted a picture to Instagram so that future generations would know what a Spring Break cockroach standing next to the world’s thickest application of face spackle looked like.

For the sake of humanity, decency, and every anti-fungal cream in existence, that’s where it should have ended. However, when TMZ asked Riff Raff about making things official with Katy, he replied saying:

“I mean, who knows? Who knows where things might go?”

He also said he’s waiting for her to get back from Belgium (where he thinks she currently is) so they can go on their second date, which will probably either be burgers and go-karts, or pizza and laser tag. Of course, nothing says serious commitment like answering questions about the girl you think you’re dating while fondling the thonged ass of a random hoochie mama:

I know that Riff Raff is the poster child for freon abuse (for legal reasons, the state of Florida has him classified as a litter box) but something in his beady little bedbug eyes tells me he might actually really like Katy Perry. Which is a little bit heartbreaking, because there is no way she’s over her ex yet. She probably only agreed to the date because Riff Raff is a dead-ringer for John Mayer’s itchy-looking dick sores. Poor Riffy; it looks like you’re the raunchy rebound.

And if Riff Raff started mentally picking out china patterns after just one date, I think it’s safe to say we’ve found Taylor Swift’s soulmate.

Pic: Instagram