The sparkly cloud-topped Pixy Stix that is Richard Simmons hardly ever speaks directly to his loyal disciples ever since he retired from the spotlight, but today, he left a message for his fans on his Facebook page. Richard very briefly responded to the podcast Richard Simmons Is Missing and mostly thanked everyone for praying to their Santo Simmons candle while he’s laid up in the hospital.
When I read the e-mail subject “Richard Simmons Hospitalized” first thing this morning, I was half-asleep and one drop of caffeine hadn’t entered my body yet, but my eyes still made like that dog’s eyes. But the rainbow dusted dandelion is going to be okay. That’s what his rep, Michael Catalano, tells ABC News anyway.
Michael Catalano says that Richard’s stomach and caca-making parts were in such a bad way yesterday that he needed to get checked out at the hospital. TMZ says it wasn’t a “What’s the number to 911?” situation so an ambulance was not called. Richard was driven to the hospital by one of his people. Michael gave this statement:
“Richard Simmons was hospitalized on Monday at an undisclosed location in California. After a few days of battling severe indigestion and discomfort while eating, we agreed it was best for him to seek treatment. He’s already feeling better and is expected to make a full recovery.”
The human glitter stick also spent three days in Cedars-Sinai hospital last summer. Richard’s people blamed “dehydration” at the time.
Richard recently signed a deal with a company to handle merchandising, licensing and future endorsements. So based on that bit of news, I’m going to choose to believe that in the basement of Cedars-Sinai is a giant rehearsal studio. Richard hasn’t been going to the hospital to treat his ills. For the past year, Richard is preparing to make his much-awaited return to the spotlight and he’s been secretly rehearsing for a sequin-filled, pucker-inducing Las Vegas extravaganza!!! Look, 2016 was a flaming plastic bag of donkey diarrhea and 2017 isn’t turning out any better. So let’s just go with this. We need something to believe in!
In case your ears haven’t gobbled down at least one episode of Missing Richard Simmons, it’s a podcast where one of Richard Simmons’ friends and former customers, filmmaker Dan Taberski, tries to get to the bottom of what happened to the human lighting bolt in a golden dandelion ‘fro.
It’s been over three years since the sun frowned from Richard disappearing from public life and pretty much cutting off his friends. Richard has been living like me (aka never leaves the house and avoids other humans) and he and his rep have released statements saying that he’s got a busted knee and is just staying away from the spotlight for now. Richard’s legendary studio also closed up last year because it needed his presence to survive.
On the third episode of MRS, Dan talked to another one of Richard’s friends, Mauro Oliveira, who once again shared a theory that he shared last year. Mauro believes that Richard’s longtime housekeeper, Teresa Reveles, used her black magic bruja powers to control him. Richard’s rep shit on Mauro’s claims.
I almost titled this post “RIP Richard Simmons’ Studio,” but I don’t want to be responsible for the medical bills you’d rack up from going into cardiac arrest after reading, “RIP Richard Simmons.”
TMZ has let us know that if you haven’t already, you will never be able to wipe glitter out of your eyes while watching the magical dandelion in Dolfin shorts, Richard Simmons, sweat the chunk away at his studio in Beverly Hills, CA. Richard hasn’t been seen at his studio for years and now there’s zero chance of him going back since it’s closing its door forever next month. In notices sent to members, Slimmons announced that on November 19th, Los Angeles County will be a lot less glamorous, magical and fun.
Tell the likes of Bella Hadid, Kendull Jenner, Jourdan Dunn and Gigi Hadid that they can get out of the unemployment line. They probably figured that their cute little modeling careers are over as soon as they saw that totally real picture of Fiona Simmons giving face and posing better than they ever could. But Richard Simmons’ rep says that “Fiona Simmons” doesn’t exist.
Remember when I told you to reverse your dramatic wall slide in the previous post? Scratch that. Keep sliding, because former glittery joymaker and current Blanche Hudson impersonator Richard Simmons was taken to the hospital early Saturday morning! Rend your garments and curse the heavens!
According to TMZ, Simmons was taken to Cedars Sinai in LA for an evaluation. Someone at Richard’s home was prompted to call 911 around midnight because Simmons was reportedly exhibiting “strange behavior.”
Richard’s situation has been sort of iffy and mysterious for the past couple of years. He hasn’t been seen in public, and there was concern that his maid was re-enacting Whatever Happened to Baby Jane with Richard and his money. There’s even been talk of voodoo rituals! It’s an upsetting story because Richard is celebrity royalty and his satin short-shorts, sparkle pantyhose, and penchant for flamboyant fun have been lighting up our lives forever!
Simmons himself dialed up Entertainment Tonight and Today back in March to dispute the rumors and explain that he’s just gone into retirement.
Get well soon, Richard Simmons!
P.S. What exactly constitutes “strange behavior” for Richard Simmons? Tweed? Televised golf? What?
UPDATE: Richard was released from Cedars Sinai on Saturday. TMZ says that he was reportedly evaluated for a possible stroke or dementia because his housekeeper said that he was incoherent. Stay tuned?