“Ah, the back seat of a car driven by somebody else. Probably should have picked this option the night I was busted for a DUI.”
Last month, the secretary of Versace’s 90s supermodel squad Stephanie Seymour was busted for a DUI in Greenwich, Connecticut after she threw her Range Rover in reverse at a stop sign on an off-ramp and backed into another car. The driver of the car wasn’t injured, but for some reason – drunk, probably – she decided to double down on shit decisions by refusing to take a sobriety test when the police showed up. I’ve never been arrested for being a drunk mess in my car, so I didn’t know if what Stephanie did was bad or bad-bad (like clear your schedule for the next 4 to 6 months bad), but it appears it was just bad.
Stephanie was in court today to deal with that DUI situation, and the NY Daily News says she won’t be doing any time because her attorney asked for a trip to rehab instead. This was Stephanie’s first DUI, and apparently rehab is pretty common for a first offender. Stephanie didn’t say anything during her arraignment, but her attorney told the judge he doesn’t believe his client has a booze problem and that she’s been on her best behavior since her DUI.
No word on where she’s going, but we do know that Stephanie will still be allowed to drive while she completes the program. She’s due back in court on April 4th to give the judge an update on her progress.
I still have no idea how someone like Stephanie gets a DUI. For example, please take a look at what she wore to court today. In what world does a woman who is married to a billionaire and owns a pair of black leather long gloves and a rich bitch cape-coat not have a full-time driver named Jeeves? Stephanie, you cannot own gloves like that and be driving yourself around.
Chet Haze, the child that Iggy Azalea and Vanilla Ice left on Tom Hanks’ doorstep 25 years ago (I did the math and it totally adds up!), is back!
About 4 months ago, Chet Haze (born name: Chester Marlon Hanks) let us all know that ain’t nobody can hold Chet Haze down and that includes the haters who kept telling him to stop saying “nigga.” Back then, he said that the n-word is something he uses with the people he loves and everyone should be able to use it. I figured that Chet Haze was just high on Chet Haze, but it turns out he was cracked out of his skull. Chet Haze has returned to Instagram and in a series of a hundred (at least) dark ass videos, he says that he’s in rehab to clean himself up, because his addiction to coke got so bad that his nose clogged up and he started smoking crack. Inhaling the bad shit and the pressures of being the son of a movie star got to Chet and turned him into someone he’s not, so he took himself to rehab. Here’s a piece of what Chet said:
Hey, I just wanna say that I know my name’s been in the media about me going missing or getting kidnapped or something. I want to let y’all now, I’ve been in rehab trying to get my shit together and I’m doing pretty damn good. You know what I’m saying? I just had to really take a look at myself and my life and the way shit was going and all the crazy stupid shit I was doing and just finally admit to myself that it wasn’t working. And I had to try something new and that thing was to not do any drugs or alcohol.
And you know another thing is that stuff I was in the media about the n-word and everything. I know a lot of y’all kinda understood the point I was trying to make, but the truth is, it’s not my place to speak on that and I’m genuinely sorry for the people that I offended.
A couple of months ago, I was selling coke, doing coke until I couldn’t even snort it up my nose anymore because it was so clogged. I even smoked crack. If I can change, you can change. There is a solution.
If 35 years ago, you asked me to guess which one of the cast members of Bosom Buddies would one day be the parent of a crack-smoking, n-word throwing white rapper, I’d say to you, “goo goo ga gaaaaa droool,” because I was a baby then. But if I could speak English words, I’d guess Sonny. Totally Sonny.
Chet also says in one of his videos that if you are struggling, DM him and he’ll talk to you about it. I struggle with still finding Chet Haze hot after all the shit he’s said, but I’m not going to DM him, because I don’t think he can help me with that. And if you need to see all of Chet Haze’s videos, click here. It’s like a reboot of Blair Witch written by Eminem.
After getting arrested three times in the past eight months for getting drunk and making a mess of his hotel room during three different Comic-Cons (two of which were in Florida, so I’m sure the hotels already had some kind of insurance for that in place), Nicholas Brendon – aka Xander from Buffy – has checked himself into rehab.
According to a statement released by his rep on his Facebook page (via People), Xander has entered a treatment center in California to deal with alcohol abuse, substance abuse, and depression. Nicholas’ rep says that ever since he got arrested at the Tree City Comic-Con in Idaho last October, he did some therapy and outpatient stuff, but none of it worked, so he’s doing rehab for the next couple of months.
He also plans on returning to the Comic-Con circuit late in the summer if he successfully completes his treatment program. With that being said, this might be the first time in a long time that Comic-Con organizers have heard the words “Nicholas Brendon to return to the Comic-Con circuit” and haven’t nervously started worrying about their damage deposits.
I think we can all agree that drugs, booze, and depression is a pretty heavy triad of life troubles, so I’m glad Xander is finally sorting his stuff out in rehab. And I know Nicholas Brendon loves that Comic-Con circuit, but he needs to know it will still be waiting for him when he gets out. So don’t rush rehab, Nicholas; there will always be nerds who want an autographed picture of that guy from Buffy who isn’t Giles or Spike or Angel.
Right after Kim Richards of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills went crazy at the Polo Lounge at the Beverly Hills Hotel and kicked a cop, I thought she was going to immediately check into rehab, because that’s usually how famous types follow-up a drunken, messy arrest. But Kim Richards didn’t go to rehab right away. She went off to the diarrhea puddle of smug that is The Dr. Phil Show instead. Since Dr. Phil wanted footage of Kim going crazy and screaming, he staged an intervention during their interview. Kim quit the interview and refused help. Well, TMZ says that Kim has finally realized that locking herself in hotel bar bathrooms and going all Mortal Kombat on cops is no way to go through life and she’s checked herself into a rehab facility in Malibu.
A source tells TMZ that Kim will stay there for as long as it takes for her to get it together. But a different source tells People that Kim is still doing the backstroke on the River of Denial when it comes to her addiction. People’s source says that Kim is only going to rehab to avoid ending up in a jail cell. Um, doesn’t Kim know that she got arrested in L.A. and she’s a sort of celebrity? The chances of her going to jail are about as slim as the chances of my tailbone growing into a highly bendable 10 inch dick (I pray for this every night). People’s source put it like this:
“Kim went to rehab finally because she got arrested, she humiliated her kids and she wants to avoid jail. If the arrest hadn’t happened she wouldn’t be going to rehab; it would be business as usual. She’s in denial that she has a problem.”
Hmmm… I wonder who that source is? I’m surprised the source didn’t go on to say, “And sadly Kim isn’t only in denial about having a problem. She’s also in denial about her sister Kyle Richards being the more gorgeous, talented and intelligent one in the family.”
Last week, Radar said that the 19-year-old spawn of Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin was forced into a Malibu treatment center by her parents because they felt like her non-stop partying was getting the best of her and she needed to dry out for a bit. Radar’s “source” said that Ireland doesn’t think she has a problem with booze, but she went to rehab after her parents threatened to cut her off. Ireland laughed at the “non-stop partying” claim on Twitter last night, but admitted that she checked herself into rehab (or as the country she’s named after calls it “Quitters Central.“) Ireland, who isn’t bumping ‘ginas with Angel Haze anymore, tweeted that she has gone off to rehab, because she needs to deal with some emotional issues she’s been ignoring. She’s also going to eat some froyo, FYI.
“Apparently I’m in rehab for intensive partying soooo I’m just going to lay pretty low for a bit and maybe get some frozen yogurt. I checked myself into Soba for two weeks to just get away for a little bit. I’m not much a party cat but I am here deal with some emotional trauma and getting the intensive therapy I needed in order to recover. Someday I’ll feel ready to share my story openly without feeling the way I do. Right now I just needed a breather. I needed a chance to work on myself and gather all the tools I need to overcome everything that I had been through and rid myself of all the pain I locked away in unreachable places.”
Emotional trauma could mean anything from “I watched the Randy Quaid sex tape” (Why do I keep bringing up that nightmare?! WHY?) to some seriously serious shit. But Ireland doesn’t really have to say why she’s in rehab. I mean, she’s Alec Baldwin’s daughter. If she walked into any treatment center and said, “Hello, I am the daughter that Alec Baldwin called a rude thoughtless little pig,” they’d immediately declare a code red and shuffle her off to the therapist’s office.
Here’s Ireland giving you post-apocalyptic yoga teacher at an event in L.A. last month.
Somebody should really tell Jon Hamm not to cross his legs like that, because he could suffocate America’s national treasure the Hammaconda and then a paramedic would have to give it mouth-to-mouth. Wait, can I buy an EMT certificate online after winning a quick game of Operation, because I think I want to become a paramedic now.
TMZ says that Jon Hamm just left rehab after spending 30 days in there. Last month, Jon checked into the Silver Hill Hospital in New Canaan, Connecticut after he decided that he needed a little help for his addiction to booze. Jon got out in time to start promoting the final season of Mad Men. Jon’s rep gave this statement to TMZ:
“With the support of his longtime partner Jennifer Westfeldt, Jon Hamm recently completed treatment for his struggle with alcohol addiction. They have asked for privacy and sensitivity going forward.”
Before you say that this isn’t surprising since he drinks all that whiskey in Mad Men, I’ll have your ass know that they probably drink iced tea! Or apple juice! Hmm, that makes me wonder. I’m surprised none of them have gone to rehab for an apple juice addiction since they drink so much of that shit on Mad Men.
Good for Jon Hamm! Now can he uncross his legs, because I’m worried about the Hammaconda.
Here’s Jon Hamm and the cast of Mad Men at the unveiling of the Don Draper bench in NYC yesterday.
In a rehab facility in Malibu somewhere, international treasure Liza Minnelli will stand up in front of a group of people and say, “My name is Liza with a Z and I’m alcoholic,” before she gets up on a chair and does a few minutes of “Mein Herr.” (This is how it happens in my head) Both People and TMZ say that Liza jazz walked into rehab a few days ago to deal with her addiction to the sweet nectar. This isn’t her first time in rehab. She’s done rehab a few times. Liza’s rep says that she’s doing really well and may leave in the next few days. Her rep also said this:
“Liza Minnelli has valiantly battled substance abuse over the years and whenever she has needed to seek treatment she has done so. She is currently making excellent progress at an undisclosed facility.”
You can do it again, Liza! You were married to David Gest for 16 months. You can do anything.
I was talking to my friend, who is a grown gay, about this on IM and I brought up how Judy Garland overdosed when she was just 47 and he said, “What the fuck does Judy Garland have to do with this?” And I said, “Um, is this a joke?” And he said, “No. What do you mean?” And I said, “Judy Garland gave birth to Liza, you fucking dumbass!” And he said, “Oh, I didn’t know they were related.” What in the hell kind of grown gay doesn’t know that? How dreadful. As soon as he said he didn’t know that, he told me he was going to log off and jack off to some hot chicks on Brazzers. Yup, admitting out loud that you didn’t know that Liza is Judy Garland’s daughter instantly turns you straight.
UsWeekly also mentioned that Liza was offered $500,000 to join Celebrity Rehab in 2010. Thank God she didn’t do that. Some of us would have had to turn to the bad shit to deal with watching a Hollywood legend on a Vh1 reality show with Dr. Drew.
UsWeekly says that The Slow One’s baby father and professional partier Scott Disick has gone off to a holistic rehab facility in Costa Rica to dry out and kick his thirst for the sweet nectar. Just in time for the new season of Krapping Up The Kartrashians!
TMZ says that Scott spent his weekend in Atlanta City pouring tequila shot after tequila shot into his mouth hole and ended up stumbling barefoot out of the hotel at 8 in the morning. Having been to AC a few times, I thought that was what pretty much everyone did there. But I guess Scott does it often so he has shipped himself off to the Rythmia Life Advancement Center in Costa Rica (plug plug plug!). Scott has already released a statement to TMZ:
“I realize my issues are bigger than me and I’m ready to truly remedy this struggle I continue to battle.”
“We feel your pain,” said Lamar, Rob and Bruce.
Scott tells TMZ that he’s not using the usual methods to treat his booze addiction. Scott is going to do the Iboga treatment. I saw that shit on an episode of Vice. You basically drink the stuff and vomit and shit out all of your insides for 15 hours in a dark room while dudes play the drums. People hallucinate and freak out. The effects are probably very similar to the effects one goes through after seeing a Pimp Mama Kris sex tape
The Iboga treatment seems like a trip to Hell, but Scott has spent a lot of time with the Kartrashians and if he can survive that, he can survive almost anything. I’m sure we’ll learn all about Scott’s treatment on the season finale of KUWK. Somewhere, PMK is probably celebrating getting a season finale cliffhanger by ordering a $50,000 bottle of champagne which she’ll pay for with some of the money Rythmia Life Advancement Center gave her to plug them.
Every police officer in Georgia investigating Bobbi Kristina Brown’s unconscious bathtub situation just pulled a Bianca Del Rio-style “You shady bitch” face. TMZ says that Nick Gordon, Bobbi Kristina’s former sort-of brother/pretend husband/current shady boyfriend has checked himself into rehab. And no, not for his addiction to tacky, tasteless tattoos.
It all started earlier this week during a taping of Dr. Phil with Dr. Phil in Atlanta. Nick thought it was just a regular interview, which led him to dramatically admitting that he’s talked about committing suicide if Bobbi Kristina doesn’t come out of the coma she’s been in for the past 35 days. As it turns out, the “interview” was actually more of an intervention staged by Dr. Phil and Nick’s mother. Nick’s episode of Dr. Phil doesn’t air until next Wednesday, but we don’t need to wait that long to know that he agrees to get help and shuffles off to rehab. TMZ says he’s getting treatment for drugs.
Bobbi Kristina’s current situation is already the definition of sad, and I honestly didn’t think it could get any worse when it was announced that her bottle-fighting family was filming a reality show, but taking your tears to Dr. Phil? That just added 8 new layers of stink to this mess. And I hope the second Nick Gordon arrived at rehab, they ushered him into a special wing designated for seriously poor decision makers.
Denzel Washington spent the month of July on a yacht with his wife rippin’ and tearin’ and guzzling down booze like a human funnel and channeling a 1994 spring break and just generally living the dream. Literally a tear fell from my eye when I pictured waking up every morning for 30 days on a million-dollar yacht and doing nothing but dry humping margaritas till I fell asleep on a pile pool noodles. But apparently the shame sector in Denzel Washington’s brain is still functioning (mine dried up the second I drank an entire 2L bottle of Chi-Chi’s Mexican Mudslide) because TMZ says that the second the boat docked, he got out and took a taxi straight to rehab to dry out.
A source close to Denzel claims that the actor spent the past two weeks detoxing at a residence in Orange County after he pumped his veins full of the good shit, the bad shit, and everything in between. Apparently it wasn’t just for booze; Denzel was there to cleanse his body of “toxins”, and was working with a chef, a trainer, and a nutritionist to do so. After two weeks in the ‘hab, he’s out and back to his regular old self.
Who knew that Denzel Washington was such a party animal?? I always thought he was a serious quiet gentleman who read leather-bound books and took Italian cooking classes and took piano lessons in his spare time. Turns out you put the dude on a boat with a couple of Mai Tais, and he turns into a Lohan-level MESS.
And I like that Denzel went to rehab for something that all of us do during the months of July and August anyway. Sure, maybe we don’t rent a yacht, but the second the clock hits 11:59pm on June 30th, you, me, and everyone else with low immune systems catches Summer Fever and we don’t stop guzzling the sweet stuff till Labor Day. Right? It’s not just me? Please tell me it’s not just me. “It’s just you trick” – the bottle of ‘daytime’ sangria in my fridge.