The bars of L.A. are safe from Josh Brolin for now. UsWeekly says that 45-year-old Josh Brolin has finally realized that getting into sad, pathetic drunk slap fights with bar bouncers is entertaining as hell to us, but it’s no way to go through life. Some source tells UsWeekly that he checked into a rehab facility in Northern California somewhere to deal with “substance abuse” problems.
“He realized he needed help and is committed to his sobriety.”
Josh was put into handcuffs earlier this year after he ruined everyone’s fun by acting like a messy, angry drunk at a bar in Santa Monica. And earlier this month, TMZ posted a video of a broke off, dozed off Josh slapping at a bouncer before hugging it out. That same weekend, Josh was caught on video raging at a cab driver in a Del Taco drive-thru. I can hate on Josh Brolin for a million things (see: ruining whores’ buzzes, hitting Diane Lane and Jonah Hex), but I can’t totally hate on him for raging at a Del Taco drive-thru, because I have had the urge to bulldoze through cars to get to a Crunchtada Pizza.
Josh was also busted in 2008 for fighting in a bar in Louisiana and in 2004 he was charged with hitting Diana Lane.
At least he’s finally drying his ass out. It only took him punching Diane Lane and getting banned from every bar in Santa Monica to finally realize that maybe the sweet nectar and him aren’t mean to be best friends. And since The Difficult Brown and Josh Brolin are both off the streets, you might think we’re safe from the flying fists of asshole celebrities, but nope. We still have Sean Penn!
“Chris is continuing his rehab program as an outpatient and is also completing his community service in the Los Angeles area,” Brown’s rep tells E! News in a statement. “He appreciates all of your encouragement and support.”
“He’s a good kid, but he keeps messing up,” a source told E! News shortly before Rihanna’s former man entered treatment. “He needs help. He keeps self-medicating with weed and alcohol and that’s when he always gets in trouble.”
“Chris Brown has elected to enter a rehab facility,” a rep for the singer said in a statement to E! News at the time. “His goal is to gain focus and insight into his past and recent behavior, enabling him to continue the pursuit of his life and his career from a healthier vantage point.”
He’s in an outpatient program? That’s great news! Statistically speaking, leaving rehab after a little over two weeks usually works out, right? I mean, what else is there to learn? After 3 sessions with a counsellor, you’re pretty much set. Plus, it’s not like being an aggressive dickhead is the same as having a drug addiction. I know that it took one of my friends over a year to quit smoking, but I’m sure the urge to go crazy on someone’s face is something you can shake in a couple days. Those 16 days in rehab have probably undone years of being told he’s an invincible god of success who doesn’t need to be held accountable for his actions. I’m willing to guess post-rehab Chris Brown will show us a more humble, responsible Chris Brown.
That counts as my good deed for the day, right? It doesn’t?
Okay, well then fuck it, here’s some Miss Cleo realness for you. Chris Brown will be punching someone in the face before the clock strikes midnight tonight. He’s a foolish little shit who only went to rehab because he knows his ass couldn’t handle it in prison. To the counsellors who worked with Chris Brown in rehab: I’m sure every minute you spent with The Difficult felt exactly like taking a difficult shit, but just be thankful he only wasted your time for 16 days.
(Pic via Wenn)
Taking a tip from Lindsay Lohan’s “How To Stay Out of Jail When ‘I’m A Motherfucking Celebrity’ Might Not Work” handbook, Chris Brown hopped on the Damage Control Express and headed straight for rehab just two days after he was arrested in DC for straight-up fisting a dude in the face. Even though the judge reduced Chris Brown’s felony charge to a misdemeanor, he could get thrown in a cell for violating probation. So he took his ass to jail. Some source (aka a low-level member of Team Breezy) told E! yesterday that The Difficult Brown’s got issues with weed and alcohol. Uh huh. Chris’ meth-scratched face (copyright: Erin from Rock of Love, fuck I miss Rock of Love) tells me that he’s putting something stronger than weed in his favorite smoking pipe. Chris’ lawyer shat out this statement to E!:
“Chris Brown has elected to enter a rehab facility. His goal is to gain focus and insight into his past and recent behavior, enabling him to continue the pursuit of his life and his career from a healthier vantage point.”
TMZ says that The Difficult Brown’s lawyer dropped him off at a rehab facility in Malibu (aka a luxury spa that sometimes plays re-runs of Intervention in the screening room) and he’s there to deal with his anger management issues. A source said (a source did not say this) that he’s officially seeking treatment for being a flaming pile of rotten dicks in a bag made of burnt ballsack skin.
Because of the timing, it’s kind of obvious that The Difficult Brown is trying to look good for the judge and after few days of spa treatments and facials, his punchin’ fist will be back out on the stroll. If Mom Breezy and his lawyer really want to rebuke the asshole from him, they should drop him off at somebody’s abuelita’s house. I have always said that an abuelita should open an anger management center, because sometimes the silent and subtle fury of an old lady with a ring on every finger will set a bitch right.
Since we can never get enough Miley Cyrus news (“I really fucking hate your ass right now” – you), here’s a little story about how Miley ‘s alter ego Hanna Montanna choked on a wholesome gluten free cookie and died last night, brought to us by TMZ. On SNL last night,
Molly Miley simply said “she was murdered.” Hell, I thought bitch was already killed and dismembered by a beyond tragic “twerking” accident but maybe that’s just me.
Miley declared the nemesis that made her great is now dead and buried (duh, and humped on by plushie fetishists). As a mom who had to suffer through Hanna Montanna hell, I won’t be pouring out any liquor. BYE bitch. Sadly, Miley didn’t make it a homicide-suicide situation.
For the Mericans out there and those who want to laugh at us, you might enjoy the only noteworthy part of last night, the parody “We Did Stop” where our little twerk challenged hussie roasts the government shut down. But really Miley, if you can stop then do. Just STOP bitch.
After the lukewarm snorefest of a performance she gave on SNL, of course Miley decided to go out and party in her bra and panties, and there are pics. If you hate yourself, or if you haven’t seen a 12yo boy naked lately, feel free to peruse the gallery below.
Mickey Mouse and the other whore makers of Disney let out a cackle of victory the other day when it was reported that the prettiest man princess in the entire land, Zac Efron, was in rehab five months ago. Some say Zac was in rehab for his addiction to wrapping his gloss-covered lips around a booze bottle, but TMZ says that his drug of choice was coke. Now TMZ is saying that Zac’s addiction to the white shit reached Lohan levels of bad and he had to sit in rehab twice this year. Oh, Zac, don’t you know that you’re not supposed to snort cocaine! You’re only supposed to use it to numb your b-hole.
TMZ’s sources say that Zac has been into coke for 2 years and he also gets into Molly every now and again. When his cocaine bill grew bigger than his bronzer bill, he knew something wasn’t right and got outpatient care at a private house in California for a few weeks in March. After he finished outpatient treatment, he went back to L.A. to start shooting Neighbors and he immediately fell off the wagon and landed face-first in a mountain of coke. In April, Zac went back for a second round of outpatient care.
Sources say that Zac numbs the pain with the bad shit, because he’s got the sads over his career being in purgatory, he’s got “girl” problems and his parents are trying to control his life. Zac was hanging around with a bunch of cokeheads who kept him coked up, but he dumped them all a few months ago.
James St. James at Wow Report said that there’s been whispers that this could be Zac’s PR team’s way of toughening him up and scratching his wholesome image away so he can get bad boy-type roles. I don’t think that’s true, but if it is, then Zac needs to fire all of his PR whores immediately. You don’t toughen your ass up with a coke problem. The only way to really toughen up your image is by starring in a leaked hardcore gay sex tape with Joe Jonas. That’s how you do it. Everyone knows that (just go with me on this)!
We all should’ve known that something was going on with Zac Efron five months ago when waterproof clear mascara was readily available at every single store. A source tells People that five months ago, Zac Efron was drying out in rehab on the down low and nobody found about it. No, Zac Efron was not in rehab for his addiction to freebasing MAC Lip Glass or snorting Make Up Forever finishing powder. E! made it sound like Zac Efron was in rehab for an addiction to the sweet nectar, but TMZ says that he had a little problem with a certain powder that Lindsay Lohan snorted only once, twice or a million times in her life.
TMZ says that while Zac was shooting Neighbors last April, he was doing coke a lot and it turned into a problem. Some source tells TMZ that he didn’t show up to work a few times and everyone knew he was coked up all the time. In Zac’s defense, he was working with Seth Rogen on that movie and nothing will drive you to a coke dealer’s house like working with Seth Rogen. And Zac was also working with Dave Franco and who can say no to doing a line off of Dave Franco’s six pack gutters.
People’s source says that Zac is sober, healthy and taking care of himself again.
Meanwhile, Mickey Mouse high-fived the South American drug lords he’s in cahoots with after saying, “It took us a while, but we got him!”
Here’s Zac at the TIFF premiere of his movie Parkland on September 7th.
E! News and People said last night that Lamar Odom took his ass to rehab to get treatment for his addiction to booze and the bad shit. But now TMZ is saying that Lamar isn’t drying out in rehab and Khloe Kardashian has no idea where he is. Khloe galloped up to the top of the mountain behind their mansion and let out her mating call, but didn’t hear anything back. Where in the world is Lam Lam?
TMZ says that they’ve been “making calls” since yesterday and were told that he’s not in any rehab facility. Lamar hasn’t had any contact with Khloe or any of the Kartrashians for the past few days. A different source tells Radar that Khloe has been calling Lamar’s agent to find out where he is:
“[She's] relieved that Lamar has finally gone to rehab, if that’s where he really is, but she is pissed off she doesn’t even know his location. She has stood by him for the past two years as he descended into a nasty addiction of Oxycontin and cocaine. For him to cut Khloe out is just a knife in her back. Khloe has reached out to Lamar’s sports agent Jeff Schwartz, but has got no information about Lamar’s whereabouts.”
The source also said that Lamar believes that the Kartrashians leaked stories about his drug use to the media (DUH), so if he’s in rehab, his people are not going to tell them which one he’s in.
This story has been a mess from beginning to end. Lamar’s a crackead! No, wait, he’s an Oxyhead! Khloe and Lamar are separated! No, wait, they’re not separated! Lamar’s in rehab! No, wait, Lamar’s not in rehab!
Will the Kartrashians please come together as a fame whore family and come up with one story and decide which one media outlet they’re going to leak it to? Pimp Mama Kris needs to control her whores’ mouths, because they’re farting out all kinds of shit to everybody. Wrangle up your whores, PMK, and get it together. This is not way to run a fame whore operation.
But more importantly, will somebody please tell us if Blockbuster got their DVDs back?
Here’s Lamar buying Coke and food the other day.
After failed intervention after failed intervention, Lamar Odom has checked into rehab, because I guess getting a DUI was his bottom under rock bottom and because rehab might be the only place where he’s safe from all the Kartrashians and their kameras. Cut to an E! camera popping out of Lamar’s toilet in rehab when he goes to piss.
Two sources (source one: Kim’s left ass cheek, source two: Kim’s right ass cheek) tell People that Lamar is now in rehab. Once source said that Lamar realized he needs help. If you believe TMZ, then Lamar is getting help for his addiction to crack. If you believe Radar, then Lamar is getting help for his addiction to Oxy. If you believe me, then Lamar is really in a plastic surgery clinic to get face/off surgery so Pimp Mama Kris can’t track him down when he gets away from them.
But seriously, I’m sure that in rehab, Lamar will learn that the key to getting sober and staying sober is to RUN, RUUUUUUN far away from the Kartrashians as fast as you can. It’s too late for Bruce. They already got him. But it’s not too late for you, Lamar.
Here’s Lamar renting DVDs at Blockbuster the other day. Yes, Blockbuster still exists. No, that Blockbuster isn’t going to get their DVDs back from Lamar.
Here’s a riveting video starring pictures of Lindsay Lohan leaving Cliffside in Malibu after spending a total of 90 days drying out. When the fillers in LiLo’s lips have dried up and turned to dust, she kind of looks like Bernann McKinney as a weekday pancake house hostess in Gatlinburg, Tennessee. What I’m saying is that LiLo has never looked better.
LiLo was supposed to stay in rehab for an extra 3 days, because she wanted to slowly seep back into the world, but I guess she said fuckit to that idea. TMZ says that instead of staying in rehab for a few more days, she’s going to live with a “sober coach.” This hasn’t been confirmed but I’m sure the name of her “sober coach” rhymes with Yack Maniels. Radar says that LiLo’s long-suffering lawyer Shawn Holley was in court this morning to give the judge proof that she completed her court-ordered 90 days of rehab. Judge James Dabney also ordered LiLo to 3 therapy sessions a week as per (yes, I wanted to type “ass purr” really badly) the recommendation of Cliffside’s CEO. Judge James said this during today’s hearing:
“Ms. Lohan has successfully completed residential treatment, and it’s being recommended that she continue with her psychological counseling consisting of three 50 minute psychological counseling sessions per week. This can be done in person when she is in Los Angeles, or via Skype when she isn’t.”
There will be another hearing in November to make sure LiLo’s doing what she’s supposed to do.
Skype therapy?! That should work out and I’m sure her therapist won’t think something in the milk is White Oprah when a suddenly blonder “Lindsay Lohan” Skypes in from the bar at T.G.I. Friday’s in Long Island and immediately giggles about his little tie….
When I read a story about how the apple of my brown eye Pete “Dreamboat” Doherty and Macaulay Culkin moved in together in Paris, some figured that it wouldn’t be long before we were reading a story about how France was suffering from a crack shortage and begged Brazil for a crack bailout. But it turns out that Macaulay Culkin has actually been a good influence on Dreamboat and has inspired him to take his ass back to rehab in Thailand again. Dreamy dried out in Thailand last year, but his lips were around a crack pipe as soon as he got back to Europe. Dreamy is apparently going to rehab in Thailand, because they don’t screw around there and if you get caught with the bad shit, you’ll end sleeping next to Claire Danes on a prison floor while a roach crawls into your ear to die (“Been there, done that!” – Dreamy).
Dreamy tells NME that he recently quit crack and heroin and he’d like to quit forever, because he knows that if he doesn’t he’ll eventually barf up his charred lungs:
“I don’t think it’s possible to sustain a healthy, for want of a better word, cocaine and heroin dependancy, and then call yourself healthy by any stretch of the imagination. You’re a fool unto yourself if you think that. Getting over 30… it’s reached a point now where there’s no way round it. It’s like, either curb it or stop it, or lose your health. o get better you have to get worse. When I stop smoking crack, which I have done recently – I am smoking a lot less – my lungs, all of a sudden, start churning out all this horrible shit. Which, while you’re smoking you don’t get the chance to do. It’s almost that the first thing about giving up drugs is to descend into a pitched toe-to-toe street fight with your health.”
And when he was asked what will it take for him to say goodbye to the bad shit for good, he said, “Probably my sex drive will have to go. Or I’ll have to lose a hand.”
Sex drive?! I thought crack smoke turned a hard dick into a soggy Pirouette. I thought boning while high on crack was like trying to shove an overcooked spaghetti noodle into a key hole. You learn something new. And hopefully, the 1,903,987th time is a charm, because if it isn’t, he’ll have to chop off his hand and even that might not work since I wouldn’t be surprised if some ho out there makes a crack pipe attachment for hook hands.