Less than two months after it was revealed that she was ending her ten year marriage to the Mad Hatter’s Sunset Strip-dwelling grandson Michael Lockwood, UsWeekly says Lisa Marie Presley has checked into rehab. Lisa Marie is having a not-great summer. I’m going to stop complaining; salty eyebrow sweat and drinking booze that gets warm 0.4 seconds after you pour it into a glass is nothing compared to dealing with a divorce and rehab at the same time.
Chaka Khan filled her nostrils with dragon chasing-dust and coke for years and she eventually beat her addiction to the bad shit. But now Chaka Khan is trying to kick another addiction. Chaka’s glorious lion mane is full of secrets and glamour, and up until recently, she says it was also full of painkillers. Chaka has cleared her touring schedule, because she realized that she needs to deal with her health. When Chaka’s longtime friend Prince became a puckering purple star in the sky, she realized that she needs to get herself together.
The Associated Press says that both 63-year-old Chaka Khan (born name: Yvette Marie Stevens) and her 61-year-old singer sister Taka Boom (born name: Yvonne Stevens) are addicted to the same painkiller that led to Prince’s death. Prince died of a Fentanyl overdose. Chaka and Taka decided to both fight their painkiller addiction together and so they’ve checked into an “intensive rehabilitation and aftercare program.” As Chaka’s Fentanyl supplier packed up their office, changed their name and ran out of the country to avoid a possible investigation, she gave this statement to the AP:
“Unfortunately, I will miss concert appearances over the summer. However, it’s vital that I put my health and well-being first. I know that I am disappointing some of my fans, but I also know they would want me to recover and be well and healthy.
[My sister and I] agreed we would take this journey together and support each other through the recovery. The tragic death of Prince has had us both rethinking and reevaluating our lives and priorities. We knew it was time to take action to save our lives. My sister and I would like to thank everyone for their support, love and prayers.”
Good for Chaka and Taka (Side note: My fingertips get the tingles every time I type those names together), but they must be really, really close to do rehab together. I mean, my sister and I are really, really close too, but my brain can’t even wrap itself around the idea of spending weeks with my sister in the same building where we’d spill out our feeling while 100% sober. That would lead to us sharing a padded room together after having a brother/sister nervous breakdown.
And here’s Chaka greeting her loyal subjects at LAX back in May:
Pics: Wenn.com, Getty
And no, not for falling under the crack-like spell of the Kardashians again and returning to the inner pimp circle. That’s not an addiction recognized by the medical community (yet). We recently found out that Lamar Odom was caught boozing at a bar only a few hours before the Kardashian family’s annual Easter Sunday church parking lot photo op. Sources told TMZ that Lamar pregamed before church to show Khloe Kardashian that he’s healthy enough to be drinking again. Well, TMZ says that Khloe isn’t buying it, and she wants to get his possibly-relapsing ass into rehab. Khaptain Save-A-Ho-For-Ratings to the rescue!
Sources close to Khloe (so basically Khloe trying to look productive on the set of Kocktails with Who Kares) claim that Khloe is doing everything she can to get Lamar into treatment before shit goes off the rails and we get a repeat performance of 2013 Lam Lam. Lamar is apparently OK with physical rehab, but he refuses to go to the kind where you sit in a circle and acknowledge your demons while clutching a mug of coffee with both hands. Sources say Khloe offered up an outpatient program, and Lamar still wasn’t having it.
A source tells TMZ that Lamar’s family, including his two kids, are backing Khloe up on her rehab request. They’re not confident Lamar can do the casual alcohol thing because addiction problems run in their family.
While Khloe is dedicated to Lamar’s recover, she’s apparently not that dedicated. Khloe has reportedly told friends and family that there will come a time where she stops trying to “save” Lamar. You know, when she gets a call from the network telling her that the “Khloe Saves Lamar” story line is no longer doing well with KUWTK audiences. But if Khloe isn’t saving Lamar, what will her character do? I guess they could always give her a multi-season story arch about finally seeing a white penis.
Just three days after it was revealed that Bobby Brown had knocked up his wife Alicia Etheredge and was about to be a father for the 7th time, the New York Daily News says he’s gone off to rehab. A source close to Bobby B claims that “Bob is in rehab” and speculates that an addiction to coke and booze put him there.
Bobby’s attorney won’t say why he’s there, but he is slapping down the rumor that “Bob” is getting treatment for coke and booze. Of course “Bob Brown” isn’t a cokehead. Bob Brown is a middle-aged dentist whose idea of “doing drugs” is drinking two beers at the office Christmas party and begging the hygienists to dare him to take a hit off the laughing gas.
This isn’t the first time Alicia has had to pack Bobby’s bags for rehab so soon after celebrating a special relationship moment. Bobby hauled ass to rehab less than two months after they got married back in 2012.
As for how long he’ll be in rehab, Bobby B’s attorney says he’ll be out for a performance in South Carolina on March 4th. In case you don’t have a calendar handy, that’s seven days from now. Only a week? Maybe Bobby’s attorney was telling the truth and he really isn’t in rehab for booze and coke after all? Maybe Bobby ran off to rehab after discovering his wife’s positive piss stick in the trash and realizing he was about to have two babies under two years old in the house. “Is it cool if I chill out here for a week? I just need a quiet place to cry.”
“Ah, the back seat of a car driven by somebody else. Probably should have picked this option the night I was busted for a DUI.”
Last month, the secretary of Versace’s 90s supermodel squad Stephanie Seymour was busted for a DUI in Greenwich, Connecticut after she threw her Range Rover in reverse at a stop sign on an off-ramp and backed into another car. The driver of the car wasn’t injured, but for some reason – drunk, probably – she decided to double down on shit decisions by refusing to take a sobriety test when the police showed up. I’ve never been arrested for being a drunk mess in my car, so I didn’t know if what Stephanie did was bad or bad-bad (like clear your schedule for the next 4 to 6 months bad), but it appears it was just bad.
Stephanie was in court today to deal with that DUI situation, and the NY Daily News says she won’t be doing any time because her attorney asked for a trip to rehab instead. This was Stephanie’s first DUI, and apparently rehab is pretty common for a first offender. Stephanie didn’t say anything during her arraignment, but her attorney told the judge he doesn’t believe his client has a booze problem and that she’s been on her best behavior since her DUI.
No word on where she’s going, but we do know that Stephanie will still be allowed to drive while she completes the program. She’s due back in court on April 4th to give the judge an update on her progress.
I still have no idea how someone like Stephanie gets a DUI. For example, please take a look at what she wore to court today. In what world does a woman who is married to a billionaire and owns a pair of black leather long gloves and a rich bitch cape-coat not have a full-time driver named Jeeves? Stephanie, you cannot own gloves like that and be driving yourself around.
Chet Haze, the child that Iggy Azalea and Vanilla Ice left on Tom Hanks’ doorstep 25 years ago (I did the math and it totally adds up!), is back!
About 4 months ago, Chet Haze (born name: Chester Marlon Hanks) let us all know that ain’t nobody can hold Chet Haze down and that includes the haters who kept telling him to stop saying “nigga.” Back then, he said that the n-word is something he uses with the people he loves and everyone should be able to use it. I figured that Chet Haze was just high on Chet Haze, but it turns out he was cracked out of his skull. Chet Haze has returned to Instagram and in a series of a hundred (at least) dark ass videos, he says that he’s in rehab to clean himself up, because his addiction to coke got so bad that his nose clogged up and he started smoking crack. Inhaling the bad shit and the pressures of being the son of a movie star got to Chet and turned him into someone he’s not, so he took himself to rehab. Here’s a piece of what Chet said:
Hey, I just wanna say that I know my name’s been in the media about me going missing or getting kidnapped or something. I want to let y’all now, I’ve been in rehab trying to get my shit together and I’m doing pretty damn good. You know what I’m saying? I just had to really take a look at myself and my life and the way shit was going and all the crazy stupid shit I was doing and just finally admit to myself that it wasn’t working. And I had to try something new and that thing was to not do any drugs or alcohol.
And you know another thing is that stuff I was in the media about the n-word and everything. I know a lot of y’all kinda understood the point I was trying to make, but the truth is, it’s not my place to speak on that and I’m genuinely sorry for the people that I offended.
A couple of months ago, I was selling coke, doing coke until I couldn’t even snort it up my nose anymore because it was so clogged. I even smoked crack. If I can change, you can change. There is a solution.
If 35 years ago, you asked me to guess which one of the cast members of Bosom Buddies would one day be the parent of a crack-smoking, n-word throwing white rapper, I’d say to you, “goo goo ga gaaaaa droool,” because I was a baby then. But if I could speak English words, I’d guess Sonny. Totally Sonny.
Chet also says in one of his videos that if you are struggling, DM him and he’ll talk to you about it. I struggle with still finding Chet Haze hot after all the shit he’s said, but I’m not going to DM him, because I don’t think he can help me with that. And if you need to see all of Chet Haze’s videos, click here. It’s like a reboot of Blair Witch written by Eminem.