“You claim that your time in rehab has taught you to be less violent. The fact that you chose to assault my eyes with awful Night At The Roxbury-looking suit determines that was a lie.” – What I’m assuming the Judge said to Chris Brown right before he sentenced him back to rehab. And yes, I’m imagining the judge was Maury.
Just four days after trading friendship bracelets and mailing addresses with his best buds on his last day in rehab (“I’ll write you the minute I get home! Camp Rehab forever!”) Chris Brown has been told to pack up his Rescue Rangers duffle bag and hop back on the bus to anger management rehab. Despite successfully completing 95 days (I consider it a success if he doesn’t burn the place to the ground and punch the ashes) he has been ordered to return to rehab for 60 more days:
Superior Court Judge James Brandlin scheduled Brown’s next hearing for April 23. That would come after what’s expected to be a brief assault trial in Washington, D.C., earlier that month.
Prosecutors have asked that Brown be sent to jail for violating probation with his October arrest in the district. In that incident, Brown and his bodyguard are accused of punching a man and breaking his nose outside a hotel. Brown is on probation for his 2009 attack on then-girlfriend, Rihanna.
Brown’s attorneys have asked the judge to await the outcome of the Washington, D.C., case before hearing evidence on whether Brown should go to jail.
And according to a document obtained by TMZ from the facility where he was staying, his extended stint in rehab isn’t just a clever way to skip prison. As it turns out, Chris Brown is that troubled kid from down the street who keeps asking your 8-year-old self if you “wanna see a dead mouse?” and needs some major mental health help:
The facility writes, “Mr. Brown became aggressive and acted out physically due to his untreated mental health disorder, severe sleep deprivation, inappropriate self-medicating and untreated PTSD.” They never explain the cause of the PTSD. The letter also says Chris was diagnosed with Bipolar II.
Did I just feel bad for Chris Brown? Yikes. Calgon take me away and Jesus take the wheel.
Buuuuut also for pot and booze and pills and DIY leather projects. Which brings me to my next point: when did Selena Gomez turn into a dope-smoking, booze-chugging skid? Correct me if I’m wrong, but it was my understanding that Selena was BFFs with that dimple-cheeked goody two-shoes Taylor Swift, and her idea of a bad-as-I-wanna-be time is drinking full-sugar root beer floats, taking 3 Flintstone vitamins, and watching The Craft. Unless Taylor has a secret drug addiction and she’s the one who hooked Selena up with Tantrum Toddler in the first place. What am I even saying? She probably hasn’t even smoked a cigarette (and when she does, it will look like this).
But back to Selena “Lil’ Badgirl” Gomez. According to TMZ, Selena had been studying at the Demi Lovato Bad Shit Academy and preparing for her GED (the final exam takes place on a plane) but left to pursue other interests, like not being a pilled-up drunk, at a rehab centre in Arizona called The Meadows:
Sources say Selena went for a combination of problems, including alcohol, pot and prescription Ambien.
But we’re told Selena’s decision was largely based on “that crazy boy” — aka Bieber. Selena blames a lot of her problems on the excesses she was exposed to by being around Bieber and his buddies.
The 2-week program at The Meadows is called DAWN … specifically designed for people between 18 and 26. DAWN specializes in substance dependence, trauma, family dynamics, mental health and relapse prevention.
I’m just glad Selena finally woke the fuck up and realized her life was turning into the sad cliché of a post-Disney actress and high-tailed it all the way to professional help. I also hope she’s serious about staying sober. And no, I’m not talking about the booze; live every day like it’s raining the sweet nectar and get your swerve on for all I care. I’m talking about staying sober from Justin Bieber; Justin Bieber is a hell of a drug. I’ll be crossing my fingers for you in the hope you don’t relapse.
Here’s more of a cleaner Selener out for brunch with a friend wearing the kind of outfit that says ”I’m still making mistakes, just not the drug kind.”
Wow, another story about a douche-nozzle being put away? I had to check today’s date, because all these too-good-to-be-true stories had me convinced it was April 1st. When it rains it pours. Who even knows what we’ll finish the day with. Crosses fingers for Kanye and Kim to confirm a move to anywhere but here.
According to People, the streets run salty with the tears of a million Hooters girls and cocktail waitresses because the Patron Saint of Grab-Ass, Dean McDermott, has checked into rehab. If Tori Spelling is looking for ideas for her next fake family photo-shoot, I suggest glitter-gluing the following statement on a piece of poster board:
“I am truly sorry for the mistakes I have made and for the pain I’ve caused my family,” he tells PEOPLE in an exclusive statement. “I take full responsibility for my actions and have voluntarily checked myself into a treatment center to address some health and personal issues. I am grateful to be getting the help I need so I can become the husband and father my family deserves.”
…but what he meant to say was this:
“What’s crappenin? Things haven’t been going so well for the ol’ Deaner ever since he got back from Canada. You know how it is; the wife caught me fucking some chicks and maybe also some dudes (hey – a hole is a hole, amirite brahs?!?) and now Tori’s making me check into rehab, because apparently getting your dick wet is a crime. Fuckin’ wives, right? Also I kinda owe some guys in Canada money, so it’s best if Deano lays low for a while. Keep it Sleazy – D”
Either Dean is the world’s smartest gold digger (congrats on being described as smart for the first time, Dean!) or Tori is a stage 5 clinger and WILL NOT EVER LET GO, because none of this makes any sense. Rehab? Rehab for what? He’s a cheater, and to the best of my knowledge, you can’t fix cheater. But a gold diggers gotta do what a gold diggers gotta do; if Dean has to spend some time crying in group therapy over a mug of hot Sanka, it will all be worth it down the road when he clickity clack makes that Candy Spelling money.
(Pic via Splash)
Has there ever been a tattoo that says: “I make awful, regretful decisions when I drink” more than a tribal sun ankh around a belly button? Well, maybe the belly button/cat butt tattoo.
Regardless of the terrible ink on Dennis Rodman (and there is a lot; so much we could write a book and get our PhD in Bummer-ology) it’s what’s inside that counts. And what’s inside Dennis Rodman is a never-ending stream of booze. Earlier this month, Dennis gave an interview to CNN from North Korea that was – in a word – insane. Shortly after, he admitted he was drunker than your drunkest uncle during the interview and apologized profusely. Now TMZ has confirmed that Dennis is ”beyond exhausted and overwhelmed” and has checked in to treatment facility in New Jersey for 30 days. This makes the 3rd time Dennis has tried to get clean with professional help. Or is it the 4th? Does his time on Celebrity Rehab count? What about Sober House? You know it’s bad when Lindsay Lohan just side-eyed you from whatever pile of clothes she slept in last night and mumbled ‘Get it together, Rodman’.
It doesn’t say what or who made Dennis decide to check-in and get dry, but I’m going to guess it was his boo Kim Jong Un. After the drunk television interview, Dennis crossed his heart and pinky swore to Kim that he’d never drink again, but later that week Kim found dozens of empties stashed under their bed and confronted Dennis about the booze by screaming his favorite lines from The Room (he changed Lisa to Dennis). Kim Jong Un then threw all of Dennis’s clothes out the bedroom window onto the lawn while blasting Stronger at full-volume, lit a match, and realized what he’d done and called up his best girlfriends. “I know it’s not Mimosa Monday, but you guys need to come over. I kicked Dennis out; I’M SO STUPID!!! He was my soulmate!!”
(Pic via Splash)
The bars of L.A. are safe from Josh Brolin for now. UsWeekly says that 45-year-old Josh Brolin has finally realized that getting into sad, pathetic drunk slap fights with bar bouncers is entertaining as hell to us, but it’s no way to go through life. Some source tells UsWeekly that he checked into a rehab facility in Northern California somewhere to deal with “substance abuse” problems.
“He realized he needed help and is committed to his sobriety.”
Josh was put into handcuffs earlier this year after he ruined everyone’s fun by acting like a messy, angry drunk at a bar in Santa Monica. And earlier this month, TMZ posted a video of a broke off, dozed off Josh slapping at a bouncer before hugging it out. That same weekend, Josh was caught on video raging at a cab driver in a Del Taco drive-thru. I can hate on Josh Brolin for a million things (see: ruining whores’ buzzes, hitting Diane Lane and Jonah Hex), but I can’t totally hate on him for raging at a Del Taco drive-thru, because I have had the urge to bulldoze through cars to get to a Crunchtada Pizza.
Josh was also busted in 2008 for fighting in a bar in Louisiana and in 2004 he was charged with hitting Diana Lane.
At least he’s finally drying his ass out. It only took him punching Diane Lane and getting banned from every bar in Santa Monica to finally realize that maybe the sweet nectar and him aren’t mean to be best friends. And since The Difficult Brown and Josh Brolin are both off the streets, you might think we’re safe from the flying fists of asshole celebrities, but nope. We still have Sean Penn!
“Chris is continuing his rehab program as an outpatient and is also completing his community service in the Los Angeles area,” Brown’s rep tells E! News in a statement. “He appreciates all of your encouragement and support.”
“He’s a good kid, but he keeps messing up,” a source told E! News shortly before Rihanna’s former man entered treatment. “He needs help. He keeps self-medicating with weed and alcohol and that’s when he always gets in trouble.”
“Chris Brown has elected to enter a rehab facility,” a rep for the singer said in a statement to E! News at the time. “His goal is to gain focus and insight into his past and recent behavior, enabling him to continue the pursuit of his life and his career from a healthier vantage point.”
He’s in an outpatient program? That’s great news! Statistically speaking, leaving rehab after a little over two weeks usually works out, right? I mean, what else is there to learn? After 3 sessions with a counsellor, you’re pretty much set. Plus, it’s not like being an aggressive dickhead is the same as having a drug addiction. I know that it took one of my friends over a year to quit smoking, but I’m sure the urge to go crazy on someone’s face is something you can shake in a couple days. Those 16 days in rehab have probably undone years of being told he’s an invincible god of success who doesn’t need to be held accountable for his actions. I’m willing to guess post-rehab Chris Brown will show us a more humble, responsible Chris Brown.
That counts as my good deed for the day, right? It doesn’t?
Okay, well then fuck it, here’s some Miss Cleo realness for you. Chris Brown will be punching someone in the face before the clock strikes midnight tonight. He’s a foolish little shit who only went to rehab because he knows his ass couldn’t handle it in prison. To the counsellors who worked with Chris Brown in rehab: I’m sure every minute you spent with The Difficult felt exactly like taking a difficult shit, but just be thankful he only wasted your time for 16 days.
(Pic via Wenn)
Taking a tip from Lindsay Lohan’s “How To Stay Out of Jail When ‘I’m A Motherfucking Celebrity’ Might Not Work” handbook, Chris Brown hopped on the Damage Control Express and headed straight for rehab just two days after he was arrested in DC for straight-up fisting a dude in the face. Even though the judge reduced Chris Brown’s felony charge to a misdemeanor, he could get thrown in a cell for violating probation. So he took his ass to jail. Some source (aka a low-level member of Team Breezy) told E! yesterday that The Difficult Brown’s got issues with weed and alcohol. Uh huh. Chris’ meth-scratched face (copyright: Erin from Rock of Love, fuck I miss Rock of Love) tells me that he’s putting something stronger than weed in his favorite smoking pipe. Chris’ lawyer shat out this statement to E!:
“Chris Brown has elected to enter a rehab facility. His goal is to gain focus and insight into his past and recent behavior, enabling him to continue the pursuit of his life and his career from a healthier vantage point.”
TMZ says that The Difficult Brown’s lawyer dropped him off at a rehab facility in Malibu (aka a luxury spa that sometimes plays re-runs of Intervention in the screening room) and he’s there to deal with his anger management issues. A source said (a source did not say this) that he’s officially seeking treatment for being a flaming pile of rotten dicks in a bag made of burnt ballsack skin.
Because of the timing, it’s kind of obvious that The Difficult Brown is trying to look good for the judge and after few days of spa treatments and facials, his punchin’ fist will be back out on the stroll. If Mom Breezy and his lawyer really want to rebuke the asshole from him, they should drop him off at somebody’s abuelita’s house. I have always said that an abuelita should open an anger management center, because sometimes the silent and subtle fury of an old lady with a ring on every finger will set a bitch right.
Since we can never get enough Miley Cyrus news (“I really fucking hate your ass right now” – you), here’s a little story about how Miley ‘s alter ego Hanna Montanna choked on a wholesome gluten free cookie and died last night, brought to us by TMZ. On SNL last night,
Molly Miley simply said “she was murdered.” Hell, I thought bitch was already killed and dismembered by a beyond tragic “twerking” accident but maybe that’s just me.
Miley declared the nemesis that made her great is now dead and buried (duh, and humped on by plushie fetishists). As a mom who had to suffer through Hanna Montanna hell, I won’t be pouring out any liquor. BYE bitch. Sadly, Miley didn’t make it a homicide-suicide situation.
For the Mericans out there and those who want to laugh at us, you might enjoy the only noteworthy part of last night, the parody “We Did Stop” where our little twerk challenged hussie roasts the government shut down. But really Miley, if you can stop then do. Just STOP bitch.
After the lukewarm snorefest of a performance she gave on SNL, of course Miley decided to go out and party in her bra and panties, and there are pics. If you hate yourself, or if you haven’t seen a 12yo boy naked lately, feel free to peruse the gallery below.
Mickey Mouse and the other whore makers of Disney let out a cackle of victory the other day when it was reported that the prettiest man princess in the entire land, Zac Efron, was in rehab five months ago. Some say Zac was in rehab for his addiction to wrapping his gloss-covered lips around a booze bottle, but TMZ says that his drug of choice was coke. Now TMZ is saying that Zac’s addiction to the white shit reached Lohan levels of bad and he had to sit in rehab twice this year. Oh, Zac, don’t you know that you’re not supposed to snort cocaine! You’re only supposed to use it to numb your b-hole.
TMZ’s sources say that Zac has been into coke for 2 years and he also gets into Molly every now and again. When his cocaine bill grew bigger than his bronzer bill, he knew something wasn’t right and got outpatient care at a private house in California for a few weeks in March. After he finished outpatient treatment, he went back to L.A. to start shooting Neighbors and he immediately fell off the wagon and landed face-first in a mountain of coke. In April, Zac went back for a second round of outpatient care.
Sources say that Zac numbs the pain with the bad shit, because he’s got the sads over his career being in purgatory, he’s got “girl” problems and his parents are trying to control his life. Zac was hanging around with a bunch of cokeheads who kept him coked up, but he dumped them all a few months ago.
James St. James at Wow Report said that there’s been whispers that this could be Zac’s PR team’s way of toughening him up and scratching his wholesome image away so he can get bad boy-type roles. I don’t think that’s true, but if it is, then Zac needs to fire all of his PR whores immediately. You don’t toughen your ass up with a coke problem. The only way to really toughen up your image is by starring in a leaked hardcore gay sex tape with Joe Jonas. That’s how you do it. Everyone knows that (just go with me on this)!
We all should’ve known that something was going on with Zac Efron five months ago when waterproof clear mascara was readily available at every single store. A source tells People that five months ago, Zac Efron was drying out in rehab on the down low and nobody found about it. No, Zac Efron was not in rehab for his addiction to freebasing MAC Lip Glass or snorting Make Up Forever finishing powder. E! made it sound like Zac Efron was in rehab for an addiction to the sweet nectar, but TMZ says that he had a little problem with a certain powder that Lindsay Lohan snorted only once, twice or a million times in her life.
TMZ says that while Zac was shooting Neighbors last April, he was doing coke a lot and it turned into a problem. Some source tells TMZ that he didn’t show up to work a few times and everyone knew he was coked up all the time. In Zac’s defense, he was working with Seth Rogen on that movie and nothing will drive you to a coke dealer’s house like working with Seth Rogen. And Zac was also working with Dave Franco and who can say no to doing a line off of Dave Franco’s six pack gutters.
People’s source says that Zac is sober, healthy and taking care of himself again.
Meanwhile, Mickey Mouse high-fived the South American drug lords he’s in cahoots with after saying, “It took us a while, but we got him!”
Here’s Zac at the TIFF premiere of his movie Parkland on September 7th.