Brody Jenner is giving me a little Tom Ford in the face, and yeah, I don’t hate it, but he had to go and ruin it all with the douche fingers. What a shame. Bruce Jenner must be so embarrassed that none of his children can even come close to achieving the same level of devastating flawless beauty as he.
But enough about immaculate earth angel Bruce Jenner; this is about the feud between his Drakkar Noir-scented douchebag son and his narcoleptic porn star step-daughter. Despite being THE premier showcase for reality show has-beens and never-wases, Brody Jenner didn’t attend Kim Kardashian’s biennial wedding ceremony last month because he was “busy”. Even though he didn’t fall out of Pimp Mama Kris’s fame whore hole, some of her stunt queen DNA must have rubbed off on him, because Brody made sure to drop everything he was doing (nothing is a thing you can do) to make a big show of attending the wedding of Kim’s ex-boyfriend Reggie Bush this weekend. Brody is about as subtle as the padding in a Kardashian’s ass.
Then on Monday, while Brody was walking the red carpet for the 9th Annual All-Star Celebrity Kickoff Party (we’re really playing fast and loose with the definition of the word “star”, aren’t we), he was asked if it was intentional that he skipped Kim’s dumb attention whore extravaganza. Instead of answering truthfully by saying “DUH! I’d rather get a root canal though my asshole”, Brody replied:
“Kim’s was in Paris. I was working. Kim was in Paris, and it’s as simple as that. So yeah, it’s kind of ridiculous that everybody’s making such a big deal out of it. Reggie’s been a friend of mine for a very long time. So it’s all good.”
Then he added: “Besides, it’s not a big deal. Kim will have many many many many more weddings that I can pretend I’m too busy to go to.”
Here’s more of Brody at the 9th Annual Not-Stars Celebrity-ish Kickoff Party on Monday night looking like what you’d see if you threw one of Ashton Kutcher’s nut hairs under a microscope:
Brody Jenner Went To Reggie Bush’s Wedding After Skipping Kim Kardashian’s Pre-Divorce Ceremony Last Month
Brody Jenner wasn’t in Italy when Lucifer’s most-prized hooker whore Kim Kartrashian married the Illuminati joker Kanye West in front of a wall of moldy cauliflower covered in yeast infection sauce last month, because he said he had already booked a DJ gig in Chicago and had to work. That excuse was hilarious, because: a) Brody Jenner is acting like he works and; b) Somebody paid Brody Jenner to hit the shuffle icon on an iTunes playlist. But at the time, “sources” said that Brody didn’t go to Kim’s latest wedding, because Kim and Kanye are shameless fame whore demons who didn’t give an invitation to Brody’s girlfriend but did give an invitation to the likes of Jaden Smith. Besides, Brody figured that once you’ve dry heaved and rolled your eyes at one fake Kim Kuntrashian wedding, you’ve dry heaved and rolled your eyes at all of them. Well, cut to one month later, when Brody threw up a picture on his Instagram of him and his girlfriend Kaitlynn Carter smiling at Reggie Bush’s wedding in San Diego, CA yesterday. The beautiful shade of it all.
People says that Reggie Bush married Lilit Avagyan, a professional dancer and a Kim Kardashian wax figure made out of parts discarded from a factory-defected OctoMom wax figure, at the Grand Del Mar Resort in San Diego. Lilit and Reggie started rubbing their nipples together three years ago and 14 months ago she gave birth to their daughter Briseis. The groom wore way too many clothes and the bride wore a stunningly exquisite mermaid gown that accentuated her suffocating exercise ball titties and made her look like a Reno, NV stripper turned third tier mob wife on her wedding day circa 1987.
Brody Jenner is a Summer’s Eve bottle in a curly mop and he’s never been accused of making good decisions (see: the tattoo of his last name in modern douche font), but he has redeemed himself by going to the wedding of his stepsister’s ex-boyfriend and a more elegant and natural version of her. The only way this could be better is if Annie Leibovitz took that Instagram picture. And any thing that makes Pimp Mama Kris take a moment from siphoning the innocence out of a newborn baby to scream and rage is a beautiful, beautiful thing.
Here’s that Lilit trick taking her smushed chichis for a walk in Beverly Hills the other day.
Somewhere in Miami, Kim Kardashian is loudly bawling while Pimp Mama Kris holds a vial under her face, because Kim’s tears are made of 99% Botox and PMK isn’t going to waste ‘em! (Later, PMK will softly cackle while injecting her daughter’s tears into her own forehead.) Kim is all feeling sorry for her stupid ass self, because her old piece Reggie Bush humped a baby into his new piece Lilit Avagyan. Reggie, who has sexed on so many Armenian girls that his dick should be the key to the City of Glendale, called into the Paul and Young Ron Morning Show today to say that he’s so happy to be a father and this child is a gift (a gift to Lilit’s checking account!) and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. What I think Reggie meant to say is that he’s so happy about writing a child support check each month. That really warms his heart.
Of course, Kim is crying her plastic face off over this, because she thinks she’s the one who should be having a baby with Reggie Bush even though Reggie Bush would rather stick his peen in a shark’s mouth than have a kid with a Kartrashian. Some source said this to Radar about Kim having the sads over Reggie knocking up some other ’round the way ho:
“Kim is very upset that there are reports out there Reggie has gotten Lilit pregnant. Kim had pressured Reggie for a very long time to get married while they were together because she wanted to have a family with him. Reggie just thought that Kim placed too much of a priority on her fame and reality television though and he wanted none of it. Reggie was a part of the Kardashian family for over five years and deep down Kim has always held out hope that they would end up together, even though she married Kris Humphries. She feels it is a slap in the face that Reggie would consider having a baby with this woman when he wouldn’t with her.”
Oh, please. Kim will snap out of it as soon as Pimp Mama Kris waves her “happy place” (a hundred dollar bill wrapped around a black dildo) at her. Then Kim will want every party involved to pay. Remember how Kim sued Old Navy for using a look-alike? Well, Kim is going to sue that Lilit trick for copyright infringement for having the same face as her. Kim is going to sue Reggie Bush, because I’m sure there’s legal papers somewhere stating that she owns half of his sperm. Then when that baby is born, Kim’s going to sue it for having a face that sort of looks like hers. Heffa is going to sue everybody!
And here’s that heffa in Miami with Kanye West. I’m starting to think that Kanye is only with Kim to make her look like a bigger fool than she already is, because he totally picked out those stupid ass sunglasses.