Category: Reeva Steenkamp

Oscar Pistorius Gets Five Years In Prison For Killing Reeva Steenkamp, But He’ll Most Likely Be Released A Lot Earlier

October 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above holding in a snot stream of sadness he planned to release for the cameras if the judge actually hit him with the maximum punishment, Oscar Pistorius was finally sentenced today for shooting his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp to death through a toilet room door. Judge Thokozile Masipa, who found him guilty of culpable homicide (which is basically manslaughter to us hos in the US) last month, sentenced him to 5 years in the clink. To put that time in perspective, it took me longer to read The Guardian’s entire article about his sentencing. Oscar faced a maximum sentence of 15 years in the chokey, but since he’s a rich, famous athlete, if that happened we’d all be flying through the universe right now, because the earth’s core would’ve exploded.

Before sentencing, prosecutors asked the judge to hit him with 10 years in jail and Oscar’s lawyers asked for community service and house arrest. Judge Masipa told the court that she believed her sentence was fair:

“A non-custodial sentence would send the wrong message to the community. On the other hand, a long sentence would also not be appropriate either, as it would lack
the element of mercy.”

Element of mercy? Oh yeah, that’s what was missing from Oscar’s brain when he shot through that door three times.

After the judge gently slapped Oscar on the wrist, Reeva’s family told the BBC that they believe justice was served and they’re ready to move on. Oscar’s uncle told reporters that his nephew “will embrace the opportunity to pay back to society.

Just because Oscar was sentenced to 5 years in jail, doesn’t mean he’s going to be locked up for 5 years in jail. He’ll most likely be released really early for good behavior. Oscar’s lawyer thinks he’ll spend 10 months in jail before serving the rest of his sentence on house arrest in his fancy house. Prosecutors believe he’ll serve 2 years in jail. He was also given a three-year suspended sentence for a firearms charge and he must turn in all of his guns and his gun license.

The International Olympic Committee hasn’t said anything about this, but the International Paralympic Committee has banned him from competing for 5 years. His Olympic career is probably done, so now he can spend all his time on fancy house arrest writing a book titled “IF I Murdered Her.

Pic: AP

The Girl Who Got Her Head Slammed By Miguel’s Leg Might Have Brain Damage

June 4, 2013 / Posted by:

A few days ago, a lawyer for Khyati Shah, the victim in the airborne teabagging gone wrong incident at the Billboard Music Awards, told the media that she was very close to slapping him with a lawsuit. Khyati’s lawyer, Vip Bhola, said that she suffered injuries that might affect her for the rest of her life. Now he’s saying that Miguel’s bad acrobatic decisions might’ve done serious damage to her brains.

Vip tells TMZ that some of the difficulties that Khyati’s experiencing “are cognitive in nature and lead to suspicion of a neurological head injury.” Vip also said the Billboard Music Awards were wrong for giving Khyati a piddly little ice pack for her head injury instead of rushing her ass to the ER. She is waiting for her test results and if there is any evidence of damage done to her brain, then it will be payday, bitches.

Khyati not only suffered injuries to her head, but she will forever be known as the poor girl who almost got her head ripped off by Miguel’s weapon of mass destruction (aka his leg). It’s kind of obvious that she suffered some kind of brain injury, because right after Miguel almost killed her, she said that she was a huge fan of his. She obviously wasn’t in her right mind, because at that moment she should’ve only been a fan of Larry H. Parker and ambulance who will take her to the hospital to get her head checked out. Give Khyati all the moneys!

And I’m sure Miguel’s lawyers will argue that he obviously suffers from some serious brain damage himself and look at him, he’s a star and performed at the Billboard Music Awards!

Miguel Might Get Sued For Busting A Leg Drop On A Girl

May 31, 2013 / Posted by:

When dumb stupid buffoon Miguel violently teabagged a girl at the Billboard Music Awards, I started to countdown from 10 and figured that when I got to 5, Gloria Allred would’ve already announced in a press conference that the girl is suing his ass for zillions of dollars. Well, it took longer than I thought and Gloria Allred, surprisingly, isn’t involved, but the girl is getting close to dropping a lawsuit right on Miguel’s head.

Khyati Shah, the chick whose head became the meat in a Miguel and stage sandwich, hired lawyer Vip Bhola and he tells E! News that she’s been experiencing psychical “difficulties” since the Billboard Music Awards and is considering legal action. Vip says that Khyati’s doctors are going to examine her injuries and once they get the results back, they’ll decide whether or not to sue. Vip hasn’t spoken to Miguel’s lawyers yet, but he says he’s open to settling out of court.

Shortly after, Miguel kicked one girl in the face and nearly decapitated Khyati, they were both interviewed backstage:

Khyati made the mistake of going on camera and smiling like everything was peachy cream (copyright: Jennifer from Basketball Wives). I’d have a brace on my neck, a cast on my head, a metal back brace on my body and I’d be sipping Ensure while sitting on a wheelchair. If they interviewed me backstage, I’d be like, “Huh? What? Who are you? Where am I? The pain! The pain! Jesus, is that you? Jesus, hug me, I’m ready!” Then I would’ve sued Miguel, Billboard, the venue and Sir Isaac Newton.

Miguel should’ve known better. He really thinks he’s Prince and Janelle Monae. Prince wouldn’t have only landed that jump, but he would’ve done so while wearing 10-inch glossy heels. Leave the stage jumps to the professionals, Miguel.

Miguel Nearly Decapitated A Girl At The Billboard Music Awards

May 19, 2013 / Posted by:

And today’s Dumb Bitch of the Day award goes to Miguel for kicking a girl in the head and nearly decapitating another girl at the Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas tonight. It’s a good thing those girls didn’t die (I think), because there’s nothing worse than dying at the Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas by the legs of a cockatoo named Miguel. It’s not even the Grammys! And he’s not even Prince! Sure, I’d like a face full of Miguel crotch but not if it means I’m going to get my head cut off.

These girls are totally calling Gloria Allred right now and they’re going to sue the Cockatoo hair right off of Miguel’s head. And if you need to see the video of this attempted murder, here you go:

You dumb, stupid shit, Miguel! Hugging that blond woman is not going to be those girls’ heads back on their bodies.

Oh, It’s Just Mimi Sexing Herself Up On A Motorcycle…

May 9, 2013 / Posted by:

….And sexing herself up in a barn with chandeliers (????) in it.

Mimi and a cockatoo with a wave perm named Miguel released the video for their song #Beautiful (yes, the hashtag is part of the damn title) tonight and it’s classic Mimi. Mimi swats away flies while dry fapping on a bike and then she strip dances for Miguel in a fancy barn. When Mimi strip dances, she looks like a drunken calf trying to walk for the first time. The entire video kind of looks like a commercial for Crystal Light’s new line of mixes with ecstasy in them. Oh, Mimi, never stop acting like the horny butterfly you are.

Oscar Pistorius Tells His Side Of The Story And It Doesn’t Make Any Sense

February 19, 2013 / Posted by:

Not that shooting your girlfriend for any reason makes sense, but you know. Oscar Pistorius was in court today to be officially charged with premeditated murder and during the hearing his lawyer read a statement written by him. It turns out the burglar story that the media was throwing around is the story that Oscar is going with.

Oscar says that the night before the murder, he and his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp spent the night at his house. She did yoga, he watched TV and afterward they went to sleep together. Oscar said in his statement that he knows everybody gets robbed in his neighborhood and he has gotten several death threats before, so he keeps a 9mm pistol under his bed.  In the early morning on February 14th, Oscar woke up to close the balcony door when he heard a noise in the bathroom. Now a normal person who thinks normally would just assume that their piece was taking a middle of the night piss. But Oscar, who wasn’t wearing his legs at the same, got scared, grabbed his gun from under the bed and went to the bathroom.

Oscar claims he didn’t turn the lights on, but he did shout at the person in the bathroom. When he didn’t hear anything back, he shot through the bathroom door several times. Oscar went back to the bed and realized that Reeva was in it. So he put on his legs, beat the locked bathroom door open with a cricket bat, called the paramedics and then carried her down the stairs. Oscar says that she died in his arms.

Oscar says he now knows that Reeva went to use the bathroom when he went to close the balcony door. He claims he’s innocent and that he never meant to kill Reeva, because he was in love with her and shit.

The prosecutors were not moved and they told the court that Oscar meant to kill Reeva. Bail was denied and Oscar will stay in a cell.

Most of that shit makes no sense and if Oscar claimed that aliens with guns from District 9 killed her, I’d believe that story before I’d believe the story he told in court. Reeva really didn’t shout back when he shouted at her through the bathroom door? And when he went to get the gun from under his bed, he didn’t notice that she wasn’t in it anymore? Is Jodi Arias on his defense team, because that story is a full-on fairytale.

All the times that I got up in the middle of the night to take a 2am piss, the piece in my bed would either stay sleeping or tell me to piss quieter. I guess I should feel lucky that he never shot my ass.

Click here to read Oscar’s full statement if that’s what you need today.

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