Big Little Lies‘ finale aired last night and that’s supposed to be that. Most of the questions were answered, and I say “most,” because they didn’t answer two of my most important questions: 1. Why didn’t anyone dress as Audrey Hepburn in Bloodline (her most glamorous look) to that Audrey/Elvis party? And 2. Is Ziggy’s auntie Eleven from Stranger Things, because those two are definitely related.
Big Little Lies was always meant to be a limited-run miniseries, but since it’s a critical and ratings hit, and Nicole Kidman will probably win every award imaginable, there’s been talk about HBO bringing it back for a second season. Jean-Marc Vallée, who directed all seven episodes, doesn’t think they should continue the story, but Reese Witherspoon (who will always be Laura Jeanne Poon to me) and Nicole Kidman do. Oh, I thought of a third question that wasn’t answered. Are Madeline and Ed secretly Monterey’s biggest drug kingpins, because how else can they afford that beach house on a part-time community theater manager and web designer’s salaries? If they do more episodes, they better answer that.
We all know that when it comes to dressing for the Oscars, everyone takes it very seriously. They put on a tux or fancy gown that definitely didn’t come with a check attached to the garment bag. Most of the time the result is a one-way ticket to Zzzzzz town (see: a good 75% of the looks from last night). But then everyone gets to let loose at Vanity Fair’s annual Oscar afterparty and put on what they really want to wear (see: The Gold Standard). Like many people at the Vanity Fair party, Diane Kruger wasn’t at the Oscars and she showed up wearing that.
“Oh MY Satan, me too, me too, all the time!” screeched out the fourth Kartrashian sister (in her head) Pimp Mama Kris.
Ryan Phillippe is 42 years old, but he’s still a PT (passable twink) and looks like he smears his mug with the same kind of blended fetuses that Keanu Reeves does. Because Ryan looks like he’s aaaaalmost young enough to get a special invitation to one of Bryan Singer’s pool parties, some people think he’s his 17-year-old daughter’s brother instead of her dad. Ryan was on The Late Late Show (via People) the other night and told James Corden that every time someone thinks he and his daughter Ava Phillippe are brother and sister, she gets the heaves.
“My daughter gets embarrassed sometimes by the fact that I do look so young and I get mistaken for her brother sometimes. Which repulses her! Like, absolutely repulses her that anyone could mistake me for her brother.”
For reference, here’s a picture from last year of Ava (on the left) with Laura Jeanne Poon (on the right):
It could be a lot worse for Ava. If they didn’t look like almost twins in the face, people may say to them, “Aw, what a cute couple you too make,” and that would probably make her cringe so hard that she’d develop deep, deep wrinkles in her face and then everyone would mistake her for her dad’s mom!
Pics: Wenn.com, Getty
Reese Witherspoon, Eva Longoria, Kerry Washington and Elizabeth Banks did a roundtable discussion with Entertainment Weekly to talk about the shit women face while working in Hollywood. Laura Jeanne Poon has her own production company (they did Wild and Gone Girl) and says she decided to start producing projects a few years ago after she offered the role of a girlfriend in some piece of trash comedy. She says she was told that a bunch of major actresses in the game were about to scratch each other’s faces off for the role. That dried turd of a script made Laura Jeanne Poon scream, “ENOUGH! I AM AN AMERICAN OSCAR-WINNING CITIZEN ON AMERICAN SOIL AND I DON’T DESERVE THIS!”
“About four years ago, I got sent a script … and it was just awful. It was just a terrible script, and this male star was starring in it, and there was a girlfriend part. And I was like, ‘You’ve got to be kidding me. No, I’m not interested.’ They said, ‘Well, this actress is chasing it, that actress is chasing it.’ Like, three Oscar winners and two huge box-office leading ladies. And I was like, ‘Oh, that’s where we’re at? This is where we’re at? You’re fighting to be the girlfriend in a dumb comedy? For what?’ And by the way, two Oscar winners did it. I was like, ‘I’ve got to do something.’”
And now it’s time to guess!
Guess #1: 2011’s No Strings Attached which starred Oscar winners Natalie Portman and Kevin Kline.
Guess #2: 2011’s Just Go With It which starred Oscar winner Nicole Kidman and Heidi Montag who hasn’t won an Oscar, but everyone assumes a brilliant artist like her has. So maybe Reese figured she’s an Oscar winner too.
Guess #3: 2011’s New Year’s Eve which starred Oscar winners Halle Berry, Hilary Swank and Robert De Niro.
The only one of those guesses that really fits is No Strings Attached. You know, we should be thankful for that dingle, because if it wasn’t for it, Laura Jeanne Poon would have not gone on to star in such thought-provoking, multi-layered and intelligent contributions to cinema like Hot Pursuit and This Means Wear. So at least NSA was good for something!
And here’s the AMERICAN CITIZEN shooting the HBO series Big Little Lies on AMERICAN SOIL in Pasadena, CA.
Looks like we can add another ensemble to Tim Gunn’s “Don’t Wear This” list of vulgar fashion atrocities.
The fifth annual LACMA Art+Film gala was held last night, and Kim Kardashian was there, which makes total sense, because Kim got her start in film. No, it’s because she’s a high klass lady who goes to high klass film galas. Also because Kris Jenner would go absolutely apeshit if she found out her top money maker passed up an opportunity to get dressed up in her “LOOK AT ME” finest and serve up some half-asleep FACE for the cameras.
We all know that Kim Kardashian has a severe allergy to good taste, so it’s really no surprise that she would show up to the LACMA gala in a cheap-looking Leg Avenue body stocking with her tits out. I mean, she had to do something to get some attention; she went a whole 24 hours without all eyes on her, thanks to her mother selfishly stealing the spotlight with her million-dollar
Great Mediocre Gatsby birthday party yesterday. So really, it’s more of a shock that she didn’t double-down and try to make up for lost attention by showing up totally nude while her intern (Kylie Jenner) followed closely behind, spritzing her plastic parts with Crisco.
Here’s more of Kim looking like a Living Dead Doll of a knocked-up zombie stripper at the LACMA Art+Film gala last night, as well all the other famous types who were there, like Reese Witherspoon, Goopy Paltrow, and Jared Leto, who is still working the malnourished methhead Joker look, I see.
Goopy Paltrow was honored at Variety’s Power of Women luncheon (or as she calls it, “Variety’s Power of Gwyneth Paltrow…And Some Other Women Too, Whatever” luncheon) on Friday and while talking to reporters on the red carpet, she turned herself into distilled organic steam and blew herself up into Taylor Swift’s b-hole. According to People, Goopy said that her 11-year-old daughter Apple Martin is a big Taylor Swift fan and she approves, because Taylor of Sunnybrook Farm is a serious businesswoman, a songwriter and doesn’t show up to events nipples-out naked. Yes, Goopy hated on naked chicks on the red carpet at a female empowerment event.
“She loves Taylor Swift, and for me, that’s such a great sign. Taylor is a girl who’s incredibly talented. She writes her own music. She’s not naked on the red carpet. She’s an incredibly astute businesswoman, so with role models like that, [Apple] can’t go wrong.
I really think that that generation is going to do something very special. Those girls, they are so in their power. They are absolutely shameless in terms of their femininity, and I think we’re on the verge of something really exciting.”
Okay, but besides my idol Micaela Schaefer, who in the hell shows up to events completely naked? I wish many of those famous types showed up completely naked, because it would probably be more pleasing to the eyes than the ugly shit they wear. But seriously, Goopy self-shaded herself with that comment. I mean, we all got a good view of her nipple knobs when she showed up to the Oscars looking like a frumpy goth Heidi and a couple of years ago she told us she had to shave off her Goop fur to wear an elegant see-through gown. Oh, Goop, I see you sitting next to a pile of freshly polished marble stones imported from Italy in your 15,000 square foot Baccarat glass house.
Here’s a bunch of pictures from Variety’s luncheon thing including some of a lube-faced Goopy looking like a cocktail waitress at a Pope-themed club.