The Dune remake that’s set to star everybody’s favorite little peach fucker Timothée Chalamet is about to get a hot beef injection with the addition of everybody’s favorite fish-man (sorry James Cameron, you lose again!) Jason Momoa. Jason will be playing the character of sword-master (tee-hee) Duncan Idaho. According to Deadline:
Momoa joins an already stellar cast of Timothée Chalamet, Rebecca Ferguson, Zendaya, Oscar Isaac, Dave Bautista, Stellan Skarsgård, Charlotte Rampling, Javier Bardem, and Josh Brolin. The script was written by (Denis) Villeneuve, Eric Roth and Jon Spaihts.
I tried to read Dune once and it did not go well (I kept falling asleep). I also tried to watch the 1984 David Lynch one, and that did not go well either (I fell asleep). Then my nerdy ass husband tried to make me watch the miniseries from 2000 that was on the Sci-Fi Channel and well, I think you can guess how that went (you guys, it was so boring and I was really tired, ok). Therefore, I only know enough about Dune to make jokes about spice eyes and sand worms. Which is plenty good enough for me! Thank god for Wikipedia though. I can tell you that Jason probably won’t have to cut off his hair and get divorced from Lisa Bonet, because according to the 1965 novel, Duncan is described as “a handsome man with ‘curling black hair’ to whom women are easily attracted”. So it sounds like they hit the nail on the head there.
Open Post: Hosted By Angela Bassett Serving Bedazzled Squished Chichis At The Paris “Mission: Impossible – Fallout” Premiere
If you want to see an ugly cluster of tragic and homely fashions and don’t have access to my closet, get into the gallery below for the Paris premiere of Mission: Impossible – Fallout yesterday. Henry Cavill wore a raggedy suit that looks like it was tailored by someone who wasn’t amused by the butt corn kernel he spit out about #MeToo. Rebecca Ferguson wore something that Breathless Mahoney would wear if Breathless Mahoney shopped at T.J. Maxx (my mom is going to double slap me down with her TJX Rewards card for this T.J. Maxx slander). And Tommy Cruise stuffed himself into the same old boring stock broker manager suit he always wears, and paired it with the same old tired cha-cha heels. But thankfully, a bright shining messy star in the form of Angela Bassett saved the drab day.
Angela’s face was snatched like a Thundercat sucking on a lemon, and she figured she’d give the kids heart palpitations by making her stylist rip the lining out of her freakum jumpsuit. I bet that even Tom Cruise stared at Angela’s goodies in that jumpsuit, but only because all those stars and shit remind him of the flight path through the galaxy he and the other high-ranking queens of Scientology are going to take when they go back to their home planet.
And that muffled scream you’re hearing is from Angela’s titty balls gasping for air as they’re being choked by bedazzled netting in the name of glamour. Seeing Angela’s smooshed chest domes makes me want to call 911 for them, and she just so happens to star in a show called 9-1-1. So she’s really promoting two projects at once. A marketing genius!
The shady boys in the Scientology Celebrity Centre bathhouse are going to be busy today, Photoshopping David Miscavige behind Tom Cruise in that screen shot.
Filming on the 984th Mission: Impossible movie, now called Mission: Impossible – Fallout went on hiatus for a while last year after Tommy Cruise fucked up his ankle during a stunt gone wrong. Video of Tommy making Leah Remini cackle by cracking his ankle made the rounds last year, but on The Graham Norton Show, he shared a slow-mo close-up clip of that mess. M:I – Fallout doesn’t come out until the summer, but Tommy, Rebecca Ferguson, Henry Cavill and Simon Pegg were on Graham Norton to sell that shit extra early.
The minion who told Tommy that he didn’t need to wear his lifts for this stunt is probably sitting in a cell at Gold Base. Because if Tommy wore his all-mighty lifts, the building would’ve broke, not his ankle. You can practically hear the Thetans screech when it breaks.
A bitch IS Tommy Cruise spending a mountain of money and zillions of hours to become a high-level Scientologist with superpowers, and yet he still breaks bones like us mortal peasants. The Scientology slaves who feed grapes to Tommy as he lounges on his throne better start dipping those grapes in some crushed Boniva.
Participating in the lip-synch contest on Wiener Wednesdays in the Scientology Centre bathhouse finally paid off! While on The Tonight Show to promote Mission: Impossible 5, Tom Cruise nearly cracked the Botox in his mouth area while mouthing the words to several songs during a lip-synch battle against Jimmy Fallon. The lip-synch battle was as spontaneous as a Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck photo-op. But who cares if Tommy Girl spent several days in a rehearsal studio with a choreographer and Beyonce’s lip-synch coach. It paid off, because he worked his mouth like a blow job queen 2 minutes before closing time at the glory hole. Tommy gave us performance, moves, face, emotion and hair flips while lip-synching to The Weeknd, Meatloaf and of course, “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin.” Serve it, Tommy!
As for Jimmy Fallon… Well…. I guess he tried. As soon as Tommy wrapped his fingers around that mic, Jimmy should’ve called it a night and sashayed away to the Interior Illusions Lounge to enjoy an Absolut cocktail. (I know the “Interior Illusions Lounge” is no more, but like Tommy and that mic, I’ll never let go.) Tommy easily won that battle and he did the boys in the Scientology Centre bathhouse proud!
And here’s Tom Cruise and his “Meg Ryan in Addicted to Love” hairstyle at the NYC premiere of Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation. I also threw in pictures of Alec Baldwin, Jeremy Renner, Simon Pegg Me and Rebecca Ferguson.