Oh 2016. You are the twenty-year old re-gifted fruitcake that nobody wants during the festive season. It was bad enough when you permanently kidnapped my first blue-eyed bae while I was getting hammered on knock-off Jameson during Christmas, but before then you have made it your mission to treat racism like a relative living in the basement that only comes up for the Christmas ham and spiked eggnog. Translation: it’s always in the background waiting to make an appearance once again.
When we last left the totally real reality show starring the most reluctant Kardashian fame whore Rob Kardashian and his knocked-up enthusiastic fame whore fiancé Blac Chyna, they were having “problems” during filming. Rob had erased all pictures, including ones of Chyna, from his Instagram. He also unfollowed her for a second. Rob’s decision to dramatically remove the humanoid vinyl toy from his social media life was apparently caused by a fight they had during the filming of Rob & Chyna. At the time, it was rumored that their fight was over some suspicious texts Rob found on Chyna’s phone and that they were breaking up. Now TMZ is saying that things have been rough between Rob and Chyna, but it might have more to do with the 20-person kamera krew following them around everywhere.
Shortly after Blac Chyna announced that she was knocked up with Rob Kardashian’s baby, there were whispers that the two of them were trying to get a reality show. Well, E! has announced what we all pretty much figured was only a matter of time before it was announced: that Rob and Chyna are getting their own reality show. Rob & Chyna (current working title) will be a six-episode docuseries that will follow Rob and Chyna’s engagement, her pregnancy, and “everything in between.” Finally, an answer to the question: “Is there is a reality show more pointless than Keeping Up With The Kardashians?”
Each episode will be an hour long (good fucking lord WHY), and will be followed by a separate special featuring the birth of their baby. I don’t know what the working title of that one will be, but I’m sure “Rob & Chyna: Who Cares, Just Give Us The Money” has been thrown around a couple times in the writer’s room. Rob & Chyna will air sometime later this year. E! released this comedy gem about the show:
“Very few love stories have created as much pop culture buzz as Rob and Chyna’s, and we are thrilled to see Rob in such a happy place. We are excited to share the next chapter in their relationship.”
I know your first instinct will be to congratulate the woman who probably orchestrated this shamelessness. But please do not disturb Kris Jenner at this time. She’ll be spending the next 24 hours twirling around Khasa Kardashian to Kelly Clarkson’s “A Moment Like This” in celebration of the fact that what was once her least-pimpable child has done the unthinkable and landed himself a six-episode reality show AND a special. If you need Blac Chyna, she’ll be doing the same. But her song choice will be “Finally” by CeCe Peniston and she’ll be singing it to her shiny new reality show contract. “Finally, it has happened to me, validation and fame, no more Instagram modeling.”
Here’s future E! reality star Blac Chyna and the man who made it all possible, Rob Kardashian, at an event in Las Vegas this weekend.
Calling all fashion blogs! Calling all fashion blogs! You can go ahead and shut down and take the rest of the week off, because no look will outdo the opulent and genteel ensemble that Mimi wore to the NBC Universal Upfronts in NYC today. I don’t know if that outfit looks like it came out of a package marked “Stereotypical Hooker Costume” or a package marked “Stereotypical Rock of Love Ho Costume.” You’re right, a stereotypical hooker and a stereotypical Rock of Love ho are the same thing. But seriously, I love how Mimi is so rich that she queefs up diamond dust and she’s engaged to an Australian woodland giant who butt burps out gold bars, and yet she still looks like she buys her dresses with wadded-up bills at a “cash only” hooker clothing store in a strip mall on the outskirts of Las Vegas. I am telling no jokes when I say that nothing says elegance like “my purse is full of nut rags.”
The Hello Kitty Unicornie Rainbow One was at the NBC Upfronts today to push Mariah’s World, her 8-episode E! “docu-series.” (“Docu-series” is reality TV’s equally-as-trashy, but snobby, cousin whose name is Andrea and she gets really mad when you pronounce it “Ann-Dree-Uh” instead of “Ahn-Dree-Uh.“) As was announced a couple of months ago, Mariah’s World will follow the decadent butterfly as she travels through Europe with her tour and plans her wedding to Dr. Frankenstein’s richest monster. The trailer was also released today and it shows Mimi telling us that fluorescent lighting is her kryptonite, Mimi talking with that manager everyone hates and Mimi walking down stairs by herself. E! must have spent most of the budget on CGI’ing Mimi’s face on a stunt double’s body, because the real Mimi doesn’t do stairs.
I don’t know, maybe E! is saving the good shit for the actual show. I was hoping for an extra long version of Mimi’s legendary Cribs episode. Where is the scene where Mimi goes into the bathtub while wearing a towel? Where is the scene where she pulls her dog out of the dryer? Actually, Mimi is marrying a billionaire, so she doesn’t dry her dog in the dryer like a peon. She makes her dogs’ assistants take them to be dry cleaned.
And here’s more of Mimi dripping in ho stroll glamour, and pictures of her and James Packer at the GLAAD Awards on Saturday night.
A quick minute after Caitlyn Jenner’s Vanity Fair cover really shattered the internet, E! released a trailer for the docu-series (which is basically a reality show in glasses and a cardigan) that her older children refused to do because they felt like the home network of the Kartrashians might exploit the situation. (Yes, Brody Jenner, star of Bromance and The Princes of Malibu, is judging a reality show.)
At the beginning of the short promo for the show “I Am Cait,” Caitlyn sits in her area of beauty and talks about how she didn’t really feel the pressure women are under about the way they look until she had her makeup done professionally for the first time. While watching Caitlyn talk about makeup, I secretly hoped that a production assistant would smear Vaseline on the camera lens, which would be Donna Mills’ cue to magically appear and show her the way. If you wear makeup and haven’t watched Donna Mills’ beauty opus “The Eyes Have It,” then you’re probably wearing makeup wrong. Every time anyone buys anything makeup related, they should get a copy of “The Eyes Have It,” because only the doctor of glamour, Donna Mills, can teach you how to “look pretty whether outdoors or in a business situation.”
In the second part of the trailer, Caitlyn drives out into the world while the crew filming her puts on their helmets while saying, “Helmets on. She’s driving!” In the next scene, Caitlyn talks about wanting to be normal and when the woman driving reminds her that she is normal, she says she’s “the new normal.”
The trailer auto-plays and I know how much we all love that, so it’s after the cut.
The show that gave us the rebirth of the Vicodin-infused jewel that is Paula Abdul and created an all-evil, Kartrashian-making Satanic monster out of a leprechaun with Sun-In highlights will end after 13 years and 15 seasons. The 22-year-old in me who used to watch that mess religiously and even voted several times (You can judge me since I judge myself for that!) is bawling like Paula Abdul when her pharmacist at CVS would say the words: No more refills!
FOX announced this morning that American Idol has been renewed for one last time. Its 15th season will be its last. JLo, Harry Connick Jr., Keith Urban and Ryan Seacrest will all be back. American Idol started writing its own death certificate a few years ago when Simon Cowell and his furry tit pies left it to do the American version of the X-Factor. American Idol’s current ratings aren’t even close to what they were during its glory days. FOX burped this statement today:
“American Idol will begin its 15th — and final — season this January on FOX. A season-long celebratory event, American Idol XV will feature host Ryan Seacrest and judges Jennifer Lopez, Keith Urban and Harry Connick, Jr., as they search for the final Idol superstar and pay tribute to the past 14 seasons of amazingly talented contestants and the millions of fans who tweeted, texted and championed their Idols.”
Why even bother searching for one last Idol? Just like all the other winners of the past few years, the final Idol will be lucky if they’re able to book a gig at the opening of a strip mall in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. For its final season, American Idol should bring back some of its best losers (Sanjaya, Tatiana Del Toro, the thorn in my ass lip Kristy Lee Cook, William Hung, Carmen Rasmusen, Kevin Covais, Jim Verraros, etc…) and let them battle it out. Or better yet, American Idol’s final season should be devoted to finding out whatever happened to Brian Dunkleman:
(SPOILER ALERT: Brian Dunkleman exists and he’s spreading the truth on Twitter.)
And the final episode better feature a performance from American Idol’s greatest discovery: RHONETTA!
American Idol’s death would be in vain if Rhonetta and Paula Abdul don’t sing “Straight Up” together during the last show.