File this under: Shit Leona Helmsley wish she thought of.
Yahoo! News says that before an 85-year-old Austrian granny died in the retirement home she was living in, she went to the bank, took out her entire fortune in cash (which was around $1.1 million) and ripped it all into tiny pieces in her room. After the woman died, 950,000 euros, along with savings accounts books, were found shredded on her bed. It was a giant FUCK YOU to her heirs. Prosecutors say she didn’t want them to get a cent of her money for some reason. Sure, she could’ve donated the money to charity or left it all to some cat, but nothing says “I hate you I hate you I hate you” quite like torn up money.
Her Lucille Bluth-approved plan backfired and she’s probably in the afterworld screaming, “NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!,” while shaking her fists in the air. The bank says that they will replace all of the money for her heirs. Somebody is definitely getting majorly haunted over this!
“If the heirs can only find shreds of money and if the origin of the money is assured, then of course it can all be replaced,” Friedrich Hammerschmidt, deputy head of the OeNB cashier division, told Kurier.
“If we didn’t pay out the money then we would be punishing the wrong people.”
The lesson to be learned here is that if become an old millionaire who hates their family and you don’t want them to get their hands on any of your money, don’t shred it into tiny pieces. Burn it! Or better yet, really let them know that you can’t stand their asses by using your money to buy hundreds of thousands of copies of an LMFAO CD and leave that to them. But make sure you tear up and eat the receipt.
A couple of days ago, Jennifer Connell of NYC was declared the “Worst Aunt Ever” and that made me say, “Pfft,” to myself. Obviously, everyone hasn’t heard of the tia who made me listen to the Black Eyed Peas during a 2-hour car ride (IN TRAFFIC!). Now that is a true cold-hearted move.
Aunt Jen instantly became Pimp Mama Kris’ greedy hero of the year when she sued her now 12-year-old nephew Sean Taras for the injuries she got from him knocking her ass over during a hug at his 8th birthday party. Aunt Jen sued Sean for $127,000. She needs the cash to pay the medical bills that are adding up from her two wrist surgeries. The jury declared that Sean isn’t liable and they awarded Aunt Jen a total of NOTHING. After the quick trial, Aunt Jen’s lawyer released a statement where he asked Satan to stop offering her the position of Hell’s ambassador on earth and told everyone to stop calling her a monster.
Aunt Jen’s lawyer explained that her suing her nephew was all just a technicality. Sean’s dad’s homeowner’s insurance offered her only $1 for her injuries. In the state of Connecticut, you can’t directly sue the homeowner’s insurance, so you have to sue the person to get the insurance to pay up. Aunt Jen continued to show everyone that she’s not the Auntie-Christ by going on Today this morning with her nephew. Aunt Jen explained the situation and said that she loves Sean. Sean said that his auntie would never do anything to hurt his family as she looked at him like, “Yeah, you better not talk any trash or I’m dragging you back to court for SLANDER!” No, they love each other.
And that’s that….until NBC reboots “The Slap” as “The Hug” and casts Holly Hunter as Aunt Jen and Ronan Farrow (he’ll have to walk around on his knees) as Nephew Sean.
Jennifer Connell of NYC was awarded the Black Heart of Evil by Satan yesterday when the world found out that she sued her now 12-year-old nephew Sean Taras for causing her to break her wrist during a hug-gone-wrong at his 8th birthday party. Aunt Jen sued Sean for $127,000, because she claimed that he was old enough to know that leaping into her arms for a hug would lead to injury. Some of us who appreciate shameless evil slow clapped for Aunt Jen. But Aunt Jen’s lawyer issued a statement explaining why she sued her nephew and he would like everyone to stop calling her the worst aunt who ever lived.
Dear Scrooge, Cruella de Vil and Captain Hook, please get on your knees and immediately worship at the evil feet of your new villainess hero.
Jennifer Connell has sued her 12-year-old nephew for causing her to break her wrist by hugging her a little too excitedly at his 8th birthday party. I don’t know whether to laugh, cry or slow clap for her dark-hearted evil ways. But I do know that the next time I’m at a family party and I’m not in the mood for hugs from my relatives, I’ll just show them this story as a warning that their hug can lead me to me breaking my wrist which can lead to them having to sell their internal organs on the black market to pay me.
It’s a slow Friday (I blame the Pope and Crying Tangerine) and when it’s a slow Friday, there’s nothing better than a story about fast food foolery. A woman in Sandusky, Ohio waltzed into the Taco Bell there and her eyeballs got the heaves when she watched an employee take his hand to ass town while on the job. The thing about putting your hands down your panties to scratch your ass cheeks in public is that someone will probably take a picture of it since people take a picture of anything nowadays and they will definitely take a picture of it if you’re working the counter at Taco Bell. The woman who took the picture is no joke, because she put it on Facebook, sent it to the local news and made sure everyone knew that you may get a little bit of butthole powder in your Crunchy Taco Supreme at the Taco Bell in Sandusky.
The picture went viral and ended up in the complaint box of the Eerie County Health Department. Butt before the health department did anything, the owner of that Taco Bell fired that ass scratcher and trained the staff to not go digging for dingles while clocked in. Taco Bell also released this statement about this important incident to ABC 12.
“This is completely unacceptable. Our franchisee took immediate action and has terminated the employee and retrained the entire staff. We want customers to know that the person in the photo was never in contact with the food, and that the Health Department inspected the restaurant and approved its operations.”
Yes, this is gross, but what Taco Bell puts between a taco shell is grosser (and yes, I still eat it.) And I’m sure their meat has so many chemicals in it that it can kill all the germs in that dude’s ass dust.
This is one of the reasons why I sometimes miss living in NYC. You can just walk down the street and get theater, comedy and history rolled all into one scene. But thanks to cell phones and YouTube, I can be transported to the streets of Downtown Brooklyn where a jogger gave everyone a history lesson while screaming at a dude who apparently hit him with a stroller.
In the video that was posted by Metro, the douche jogger threatens to kill stroller dude and screams about how he fights for a living. Whoever said that the streets of Brooklyn are way too sanitized now, haven’t come across this jogging badass, obviously. As a cop tries to keep the fight from getting violent, jogger dude, who is white, continues to unleash on stroller dude, who is also white, and he blew minds when he dropped this historical fact, “You’re new in the neighborhood! I’ve been in this neighborhood. The only reason why white people like you live in this neighborhood is because I settled this fucking neighborhood for you!”
If one of them had a beard and the other one was carrying organic craft peach cider in a cup made from recycled bamboo paper, this clip would perfectly capture the essence of modern day Brooklyn.
But seriously, I need to add “jogging, fighting and screaming at dudes with strollers” to my daily exercise plan, because that crazy dude looks good for being like 370 years old.