During the taping of The Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion last month, eyelashes flew and the smoke detectors went off from the burnt pancake makeup fumes when black history scholar Porsha Stewart went after and dragged slut from the 90s (copyright: Porsha) Kenya Moore. Bravo supposedly gave Porsha a pink slip and an application to Subway after she turned Kenya into her own personal mop. Well, now Porsha has been charged with assault and she turned herself in today. I don’t know what the weather was like in Atlanta today, but if the sun was out and the sky had an ethereal glow to it, that was civil rights activist Hosea Williams beaming with pride over his granddaughter getting arrested for fighting with some trick at a reality show reunion.
E! News says that Porsha was booked, her mug shot of glamour was taken, she posted bond and sashayed out of there. Porsha’s mug shot is very “beauty school yearbook picture circa 1983.” Porsha may be dumber than a piece of wet tampon lint, but she knows how to deliver the glamour in a mug shot. The expert at Maaco who painted her face and the licensed contractor who glued black broom bristles to her eyelids did an amazing job.
Andy Cohen talked about this wreck of a fight during an episode of @sk Andy and he called it “gross.” You might not able to read what he said since your seeing globes probably rolled out of your head and your cat are playing with them on the floor.
“To me, it came out of nowhere. The other women felt that Kenya kind of provoked her a little bit and was provoking her. I think I was just so shocked and so surprised, and I was just really upset. I don’t want that happen. I think it’s gross, and I think it’s just totally inappropriate, it’s wrong, it’s not entertaining. It’s just bad.”
I wonder what Andy’s definition of “really upset” is, because I’m not sure I would use those words to describe his ass getting so hot and tingly over Porsha and Kenya scrappin’ that a Bravo production assistant had to grab a Q-Tip. Andy was so grossed out by the whole thing that his nipples throbbed and milk squirted out of ‘em as he thought about the bonus check he’ll get once the ratings come in. Andy was so disgusted that he called up his realtor to let them know to go ahead and make an offer on that Hamptons beach house. Bravo and Andy are so grossed out that they’re going to air the fight on the reunion on Sunday. They’re so severely, severely, sickeningly disgusted that they’re probably going to air the raw footage on Pay-Per-View. I hope Mama Dionesia is on the sidelines throwing voodoo curses at all of them.
Because the divorce rate in America isn’t going to raise on its damn own, two Real Housewives (well, technically, one Real Housewife and one displaced Real Housewives refugee) started their journey to divorce (served in a terrine of bitterness) yesterday by getting married. Kandi Burruss of Xscape and The Real Housewives of Atlanta married gold digging opportunist (copyright: Mama Joyce) Todd Tucker in Atlanta and the malnourished llama Taylor Armstrong, formerly of The Real PlasticWives of Beverly Hills, earned another gold digging medal of achievement when she married lawyer John Bluher (which is what a free clinic doctor writes next to “reason” on the medical file of a trick who came in with pus-filled warts all over her coochie lips after John Mayer gave her oral).
CNN says that Kandi married her boyfriend of a few years Todd Tucker after being engaged to him for a year. (Side note: Before you say, “The hell why is CNN covering this?“, be thankful that at least they’re covering this instead of recreating the Malaysia Airlines flight with Micro Machines.) Reality Tea says that as far as they know, only Porsha Stewart and Phaedra Parks were at the wedding. I guess Mama Joyce didn’t bum rush Todd and tackle him to the floor when the officiant asked if anyone objected. I’m sure Mama Joyce was truly happy for Kandi and while her daughter danced with Todd, she serenaded them with her muffled screams while she was tied down to a chair with a napkin stuffed in her mouth. I can’t wait to see that beautiful and touching moment when Bravo eventually airs it.
And in California, Taylor Armstrong made porny-named John Bluher her second husband during a ceremony at the Bel Air Bay Club in the Pacific Palisades. UsWeekly says that 120 guests including the morally corrupt Faye Resnick, Kyle Richards and Lisa Vanderpump watched as Taylor’s baboon butt lips attacked her new husband’s mouth after they were married. Taylor and John met in 2011 when she hired him after her estranged husband Russell Armstrong killed himself. So out of tragedy came a shameless book and a new husband. You go, Taylor, I guess.
Taylor’s wedding was planned by David Tutera and cameras were present, so I’m assuming it’s going to be on My Fair Wedding. I couldn’t find any pictures of David Tutera, but that’s probably because he was tending to more important behind-the-scene details like fucking a man hooker in the bathroom.
Porsha Stewart is about as dumb as a dust bunny on a discarded dildo, so I guess somebody with a brain told her what she needs to do to not get fired from The Real Housewives of Atlanta next season. Because UsWeekly, People and Radar say that during the taping of The Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion yesterday,
Porsha Hyundai came at her rival Kenya Moore without a summons and dragged that bitch across the floor by her all-natural hair before security broke them up. Minutes later, the paramedics were called, because thinking of the ratings made Andy Cohen jizz out most of his body fluids and he had to be hooked up to an IV drip.
Radar’s source says that the fuckery started when Kenya Moore Whore (copyright: Shady Phaedra) poked at the rumors that Porsha’s estranged husband Kordell Stewart loves dick on his tongue by bringing out a box of sex toys. Hell hath no fury like a beard scorned! When Porsha jumped out of her seat to attack, Kenya also jumped out of her seat and the boxing bell rang. Radar’s source spit this out:
“Porsha beat the shit out of her! She is a little thing and she jumped on her and pulled her down to the ground by her hair, and Kenya doesn’t have a weave, it is all her own hair.”
UsWeekly’s source says that Andy Cohen and security both jumped in and stopped the fight.
NeNe pretty much confirmed this mess went down by tweeting out this clap of approval for Porsha.
Love u @Porsha4real
— NeNe Leakes (@NeNeLeakes) March 28, 2014
I can’t wait to see Porsha use Kenya Moore Whore as a Swiffer, but that fight seems more staged and choreographed than a WWE fight. Kenya is built like an amazon and Porsha is built like a malnourished wiener dog. Besides, if Porsha ran toward Kenya, Kenya would just twirl, twirl and twirl until that little trick went flying across the room.
UPDATE: Tamara Tattles says that Kenya never brought out butt dildos, but she did talk shit about Porsha’s marriage. Tamara also says that the fight wasn’t the messy bitch brawl Radar and UsWeekly made it out to be. Apparently, producers immediately sent Porsha home and later fired her. I don’t know if I believe that Porsha was pink-slipped, because I thought those HouseMesses got a bonus for beating a bitch.
And a failed gold digger continues to fail at gold digging…
TMZ says that Porsha Williams, the fart-brained bobblehead doll from The Real Housewives of Atlanta, is following up her last failed gold digging mission with another gold digging mission that’s either going to end with the feds confiscating her Rolls Royce or with her disappearing after taking a private jet to Equatorial Guinea. Porsha broke up with her dinosaur-looking ass husband Kordell Stewart last year and she’s getting a whole lot of nothing in the divorce settlement. So she picked up her shovel and started digging for gold again. Porsha has hit gold, but this time the gold’s covered in blood.
Porsha is supposedly dating 42-year-old Teodoro Nguema Obiang Mangue, the son of African dictator Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasogo. So we don’t confuse our brains, let’s call the son “Teodoro” and the dad “Crazy Bitch.” Teodoro’s dad has been the President of Equatorial Guinea since 1979 and he refuses to get off of his throne. Wikipedia says that while most of the people of Equatorial Guinea don’t have access to clean drinking water, Crazy Bitch and his family are living the gold-plated high life. Forbes claims that Crazy Bitch has a net worth of $600 million and the US Department of Justice believes that he and his son got most of that money through corruption. In 2011 and 2012, the French and US government snatched away a ton of Crazy Bitch and his son’s assets including homes and cars.
Crazy Bitch is considered one of the most corrupt rulers in the world and his opponents have accused him of killing and eating parts of his enemies to gain power.
And Porsha Williams is dating his son. TMZ says that Teodoro, who lives in Malibu, and Porsha haven’t been dating long, but he’s already bought her a Rolls Royce, Louboutins and crap from Chanel. He’s planning to buy her a multi-million dollar mansion in Atlanta.
Pinto Williams needs to have a seat in the back row and stay there, because the gold digging game is not for her. Leave it to the adults, Porsha. Porsha got nothing from her divorce and now she’s dating the son of a crazy, ruthless dictator who is being investigated for embezzlement? Having no brains and no moral compass is no way to go through life.
Porsha knows as much about gold digging as she does about African-American history.
As expected, Juicy Joe (more like Extra Juicy Joe because he looks like he chewed a piece of Willy Wonka’s three-course meal gum for breakfast) and his gorilla grifting partner Teresa Giudice of The Real Housewives of New Jersey did the walk of shamelessness into the Federal Courthouse in Newark, NJ this morning and pleaded guilty to fraud as part of a plea deal. Juicy and Teresa actually had to repeat the word “guilty” a few times, because the judge had a hard time hearing them over the sound of Melissa Gorga loudly fapping and cackling at the same time in the back row of the court room.
NorthJersey.com says that Juicy Joe pled guilty to 5 counts of fraud and Teresa pled guilty to 4 counts. Last July, they were charged with 41 counts of fraud for faking pay stubs and W-2s to get $5 million in different types of loans. Juicy Joe was also charged with not filing taxes from 2004 through 2008 even though he made around $1 million. They were facing up to 50 years in the chokey, but under the plea deal, Juicy Joe could sit in prison for at least 3 years and Teresa could be making fake tanner out of roach shit and orange peels in prison for 21 to 27 months. In my earlier post about this messiness, I said that there was talk that Teresa could only get probation, but apparently she’s looking at spending time in prison, so she should start practicing stuffing her coochie with the contraband rhinestone and gold accessories she’ll need to properly accessorize her orange jumpsuit.
Sentencing isn’t until July 8th and the judge doesn’t have to stick with the perimeters of the plea deal.
If Juicy and Teresa didn’t take the plea deal, they would’ve gone to trial on April 14th. Since most humans hate these two dumb bitches and the feds had mountains of shit on them, they probably would’ve been found guilty of many of the charges and Bravo would’ve had to fast-track The Real Cellmates of The Edna Mahan Correctional Facility For Women. So these two brain-dead con chimps really had no other choice but to take the deal.
I wonder where Juicy and Teresa’s daughters will go since they are bitch fighting with most of their family members. You know, if Juicy and Teresa left their girls in their big ass mansion to fend for themselves and the power, gas and water was eventually shut off and all they had to eat were wet leaves and a bunch of mice took pity upon them and started to care for them, they’d probably be better off than being raised by these two fuck sores.
Here’s Extra Juicy Joe and Greta Gremlin walking into court today. In Teresa’s defense, she did show the court that she’s not overspending like normal by wearing a coat she made herself with Juicy Joe’s shaved-off butt hairs.
This picture sums it up. Ramona Singer is all the way lit up and is giving all her love to the camera while Mario Singer eye fucks some sweet ass over yonder with his peen-shaped gaze.
Just a week after Ramona of The Real Housewives of New York City and her husband of 27 years Mario got into a fight at their Hamptons home when she caught him with his side slut turned main slut, she has filed legal papers to officially stab the heart of their marriage with a broken Pinto Grigio bottle. Mario and Ramona have been separated for a while and he’s been humping on some 20-something piece while she does the same thing, but she’s decided to cut the cord completely. Kathie Lee Gifford’s spirit (as in gin) animal filed for divorce in Manhattan’s Supreme Court (which sadly, isn’t led by Fiona “Knotty Piiiiiiiiiiiine” Goode) on Tuesday and she wants their NYC apartment and their fancy house in the Hamptons. Ramona tweeted this yesterday:
“Thank you all for the love & support! For my daughter’s sake, I would appreciate everyone respecting our privacy during this difficult time.”
I love it when a mess who is on a reality show and squirts about her personal shit to tabloids and The New York Post puts a “privacy please” sign over her life. So when Ramona goes on Watch What Happens Live and fills Andy Cohen’s ears with manufactured tears as she cry moans about how Mario did her wrong, I will respect her privacy by changing the channel to House Hunters International. When Ramona shows up on the season premiere of RHoNY and starts squawking about her private shit, I will respect her privacy by changing the channel to reruns of the Puppy Bowl (aka another show where un-potty trained animals slobber and jump on each other). You can count on me, RaMoanAh!
And of course, Jill Kamen Zarin™ piped in about this:
— Jill Kamen Zarin™ (@Jillzarin) January 27, 2014
I should say that Jill Zarin’s assistant piped in about this, because Jill Zarin was unable to tweet since she was too busy furiously rubbing herself while overdosing on gleeeeeeeeeeeeee.
A few months ago, crazy-eyed Ramona Singer of The Real Housewives of New York swore on the secret recipe for Ramona Pinot Grigio (read: turtle piss, white grape juice and meth) that her husband of 27 years Mario Singer stuck his raw 60-year-old peen into his 20-something socialite side piece and knocked her up. The socialite type Kacey Dexter later got an abortion. Ramona denied it all, but I guess she recently wiped the Pinot out of her eyes and is sick of Mario coming home smelling like a snatch that isn’t hers, because she kicked his ass out and hopped on a 20-something-year-old piece herself.
Page Six says that Mario didn’t stop boning Kacey Dexter and Ramona finally kicked him out of their UES apartment recently and she let him stay at their house in Southampton. Ramona hasn’t been crying on her back like an out-of-water trout gasping for air. She went out on a date with some 20-something dude named Travis Millard last Thursday. Everything was Pinot and rainbows until Ramona went to their house in the Hamptons on Friday night and caught Mario with that tramp Kacey. Ramona, being the wine bottle full of 100 proof drama that she is, called the cops and when they showed up she told them that Mario choked her out. Page Six’s source says that Ramona made that part up and neither of them got violent on each other.
No one was arrested and zero charges were pressed. But before the cops left, Ramona threatened them with a good time by offering them a glass of Ramona Pinot. It wasn’t turtle time for the cops, so they declined her invitation and left.
This could be a STUNT QUEEN move to promote the new season of RHoNY, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s true. To me, Ramona and Mario have always looked like swingers who shouldn’t be swingers. You know, they are probably a total drag at swingers parties. Mario quickly gets himself a piece to fuck and after Ramona gets completely coked up, she suddenly gets jealous, pulls Mario off of his piece, slaps his peen, slaps his piece’s tits and then gets kicked out. Ramona cries and screams in the car ride home and Mario has to stop at a gas station to relieve his blue balls by jacking off into the bathroom sink. That pretty much sums up their entire marriage to me.
And I know Mario redefines slimey, but I still would.
When I first read about Apollo Nida of The Real Housewives of Atlanta getting busted for allegedly (uh huh) committing bank fraud and identity theft, I expected the National Weather Service to warn everybody to hold down their wigs, because Kenya Moore’s going to twirl out a stage 4 twirlnado after hearing the best news she’s ever heard!
After a long investigation, which started February 2012, Phaedra Parks’ donkey booty deflated when her pretty boy prison piece trophy husband surrendered to federal officials on Thursday night and was charged with doing all sorts of illegal shady shit before he was released on $25,000 bail. The Atlanta Journal Constitution reports that a U.S. Secret Service Agent in the Counterfeit and U.S. Treasury Check Squad discovered that Apollo created fake companies so he could get into the LexisNexis and Equifax databases and find victims to rip the hell off. The shifty bitch went all the way in by opening fake bank accounts under real identities and he “funneled stolen U.S. Treasury checks and auto loan proceeds into those accounts.”
Apollo was ratted out by his accomplice Gayla St. Julien (Note: If that’s not the perfect name for a scheming grifter, I don’t know what is) who was arrested in September. After Apollo stole an identity, Gayla St. Julien, who calls herself Apollo’s “right hand bitch,” pretended to be them to open up bank accounts. After the feds found 40 accounts tied to her, she opened her mouth and sang. Gayla St. Julien claims that Apollo was the mastermind and she made nothing from their schemes compared to what he made. AJC broke down Apollo and Gayla St. Julien’s schemes:
Nida would allegedly steal real people’s identities and have St. Julien pretend to be them to open bank accounts. She would then deposit fraudulent auto loan checks, stolen U.S. Treasury checks, stolen retirement checks issued to Delta Airlines employees, and checks in the names of real people that were owed unclaimed property from various state and federal government agencies, according to the criminal complaint.
He also opened a fake auto dealership (such as Ferrari Autohaus) and apply for auto loans in the names of stolen identities. After the arrest, the agents had St. Julien tape record conversations with Nida in which he explained many of his schemes. At one point, they obtained a federal search warrant of Nida’s vehicle and seized evidence, including a bank debit card in the name of Ferrari Autohaus Inc., cell phones and a laptop computer.
Before Apollo became Phaedra’s trophy husband, he served 5 years in prison for violating federal racketeering laws.
And yesterday, Kenya opened up her fan and let everyone know that she called out Apollo and Phaedra’s dirtiness a long time ago:
Losers never win. I have always seen through ppl and I was the first to tell you last season about these ppl and who they really are. #dirty
— KENYA MOORE (@KenyaMoore) January 25, 2014
First Teresa Giudice and Juicy Joe and now Apollo and Fakedra?! Why would I not be surprised if Droopy Dog Vicki from The Real Housewives of Orange County is busted after the feds find out that she was stealing identities from her insurance company and using them to get loans to fund her exquisite necklace collection?
The RHOA reunion shoots soon, so an enormous dome of shade will cover the entire state of Georgia when Kenya comes for Phaedra. That’s if she doesn’t spontaneously combust from smugness beforehand.
On last night’s episode of The Real Plastic Trash of Beverly Hills, they all went to Palm Springs together and sadly the desert sun didn’t melt all the silicone in their bodies and turn them into a giant puddle of fillers, polyester weave tracks, fake eyelashes, lead-based paint and desperation. The desert sun did us all wrong by not melting all of them while it had the chance! While they were all lounging around the pool, the STAR of Siberia and two-time Miss Puerto Rico, Joyce Giraud, refused to get into the pool even after Brandi Glanville kept begging her to. Finally, Joyce admitted that she can’t swim, which made drunk ass Brandi say, “You’re a black person.” That would’ve been the perfect time for the sun to turn up the heat and melt all those hos, but it didn’t….
After Brandi called Joyce a black person for not being able to swim, Kyle’s face went HUH?, Lisa Vanderpump asked a bitch to clarify, Joyce got mad and Kim Richards was oblivious to all of it, because her mind was busy squeezing grapefruits in a grapefruit tree orchard. The skanky humanized Carlo Rossi jug went on to say that none of her black friends can swim and they don’t like to get their weaves wet. Brandi said this while a tragic fall of man-made hair clung to the back of her head. Bitch always has the most busted weave situation. Bitch’s weave looks like it was made from the wet piles of shed Barbie hair found in Brit Brit’s shower drain.
During the episode, Brandi got a whole lot of hate tweets thrown at her melting rubber face, so she called into WWHL to burp out a non-apology and say that it was just a joke! I don’t know how “you’re a black person” is a punchline, but in Brandi’s dilapidated coke sponge of a mind it is. Brandi shit this out to Andy Cohen:
“I know what I said was definitely inappropriate, but I say a lot of inappropriate things. I’m not racist, I’m just inappropriate 90 percent of the time! It definitely was not sensitive and I apologize to anyone I offended. But to be honest with you, my friends and I joke with each other this way and they’re from all different backgrounds. So I’m sorry and I guess TV’s not ready for the real Brandi, but should I censor myself? Is that gonna be exciting?
I think it was definitely inappropriate. I’m the least racist person of all time. I think the more you defend it, the more you look guilty, so I don’t really have to say that much more. I am very sorry with whomever I defended. Defended. Offended!”
I’m kind of surprised Brandi didn’t say, “I am not a racist. I once sucked off a black guy in a bathroom stall at Bootsy Bellows.”
And everyone CALL OFF THE SEARCH! The least racist person of all time has been found! Guinness Book of World Records, get that bitch a plaque. I’m sure that sometime in the future the GOP will tweet: Today we remember Brandi Glanville’s bold stand and her role in ending racism.
Brandi was a boozed up wreck during most of the episode and kept calling Joyce “Jacqueline,” because to her Joyce isn’t a Latina name and Joyce doesn’t look like a Joyce since most Joyces are fat pigs. If you burn your brain cells by watching both RHoBH and RHoA, then Brandi’s rant against the name Joyce probably made you think of the crazed ball of post-menopausal anger that is Mama Joyce from The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Bravo should skip the RHoBH and RHoA reunions this season and just put Brandi Glanville and Mama Joyce in a room together. Take off your wedges and take it away, Mama Joyce!
Bravo can even turn it into a pay-per-view special. I better start making room on my maxed out credit card for this.
(GIF via Tumblr)
During part 1 of The Real Housewives of Miami reunion on Monday night, Adriana de Moura, who looked like a Latin Endora, kept scratching at her rival Joanna Krupa and said that Brandi Glanville (of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) told her at an event that Joanna is a home wrecking whore who ruined the marriage of Yolanda Foster (another Real Housewife of Beverly Hills) and Mohamed Hadid (a super creepy real estate mogul who is all over Bravo’s shows). According to Adriana, Joanna’s affair with Mohamed is the reason why Yolanda divorced him. Joanna (or Ho-Anna as Adriana calls her) denied having a bull dozer vagina and denied boning Mohamed. Then right after the reunion, Brandi just so happened to be on Watch What Happens Live (via Radar) and of course this mess was brought up.
Brandi stood by her story and told Andy Cohen that as far as she knows, Joanna did hump on Mohamed while he was married to Yolanda. During the show, Andy got a note from a producer that Joanna just tweeted (and later deleted) to Brandi: “No wonder her husband left her.” Well, when you come for Brandi, she’s going to call you out and say that your twat smells like a Florida Red Lobster dumpster in the middle of August. Brandi queefed this out:
“Well, Mohamed did tell me that her pussy smelled. Just saying. It’s true. I’m not lying. And Lisa Vanderpump was there when he said it. Sorry, bitch. I win!”
And here’s the video of Brandi declaring to the world that Joanna needs vagina deodorant:
That clip right there. It’s like the new definition of feminism.
And you know that shit-stirring shifty Siamese Cat Andy Cohen is going to milk every last drop out of this. He’s going to bring Joanna, Brandi and professional cooch-sniffer Khloe Kardashian on Watch What Happens Live. Then he’s going to make Khloe sniff on Joanna’s chocha and Brandi’s chocha. Whichever chocha makes Khloe howl at the moon, slobber and chomp at the bits will be declared the loser.
And here’s Joanna in a totally natural and not-at-all staged bikini photo-op in her waterfront backyard in Miami. Now I’m not saying that Brandi is telling the truth, but the paps did say that after these pictures were taken, that dog tore its nose off with its paws before throwing itself in the water.