Teresa Giudice’s greedy gorilla hairline will never release its grasp on her twohead, but the federal prison system has finally released its grasp on her after 11 months. In a cell at the Danbury Federal Correctional Institution (aka the Orange is the New Black prison) in Connecticut this morning, the current reigning grand dame of trash from The Real Housewives of New Jersey laid her curly hair on a hot plate and used a pot to straighten it out, because she wanted to be paparazzi glamour ready for her triumphant stroll out of the clink. At around 5am, Teresa sashayed out of prison and delivered an “Excuse my prison bitch beauty” pose for the pap who just happened to be there:
— People magazine (@people) December 23, 2015
The always reliable Celebrity Net Worth says that Yolanda Foster’s fortune is totaled at $45 million and most of that mountain of cash came from the divorce settlement she got from her ex-husband Mohammed Hadid. Celebrity Net Worth says that Yolanda’s estranged husband David Foster’s net worth is $30 million. But The Daily Mail’s American second cousin Radar says that all of her millions have dried up and now she’s living in David’s Beverly Hills condo by herself. On the Real Housemesses of Beverly Hills, Yolanda says that she’s living in David’s old bachelor pad, because she’s really sick and a small (compared to a mansion) condo is all she can deal with at the moment. A source says that the real reason Yolanda is living in David’s old place is because she’s as broke as Taylor Armstrong’s lip job.
E! News pretty much shot a million more holes into Brooks Ayers’ “I swear I’ve got cancer” claims yesterday when they posted proof that he faked his chemotherapy bills and got a rep from City of Hope to confirm that they’ve never treated the slimy douche dingle from the Real Housewives of Orange County. Brooks told E! News last week that he does have cancer and he showed them chemotherapy bills from City of Hope as proof. But after getting called out, Brooks admitted to E! that the chemotherapy bills he showed them were as real as whatever the hell Vicki Gunvalson put in her face.
On the Real Housewives of Orange County last season, a huge chunk of time was spent on whether or not Vicki Gunvalson’s (now ex) piece Brooks Ayers was and is faking cancer. New Housemess and piece of dehydrated celery, Meghan King Edmonds, was one of the first to say that something in the milk ain’t cancer. In one of the earlier episodes, a psychic told Meghan, Tamra Judge and Heather Dubrow that shifty and shady Brooks doesn’t have cancer. They decided to investigate that shit and stopped short of hiring Detective La Toya to get to the bottom of everything. Meanwhile, Brooks and Vicki kept insisting that he has the Big C and those demonic hags will rot (well, not really rot since plastic doesn’t do that) in hell for accusing a poor, sick man of faking the sicks. Brooks recently claimed he got chemotherapy treatments at City of Hope and he provided the receipts. But well, City of Hope has released a statement saying, “We don’t know the bitch.”
The Ashley Madison hack has already exposed Porky Pig’s child-touching cheating second cousin, an insane Christian vlogger, the executive director of the Louisiana GOP and the lead prosector in the Casey Anthony case. The hack also went from “shit got serious” to “shit got sad” when it was reported that two men in Toronto may have killed themselves because of it. Well, now the Ashley Madison hack is coming for reality tricks. Dean McDermott and Eddie Cibrian can both breathe out two giant sighs of relief, because their names haven’t come up (yet). But the names of Snooki’s husband and a husband on The Real Housewives of NYC did come up.
Pour out a jar of lace front bonding glue and begin mourning the loss of NeNe Leakes giving us fucked-up looks like the one above, because the last remaining original member of The Real Housewives of Atlanta is leaving the show that made her a legend (in her own wig-covered mind). After 7 seasons, NeNe has packed up her trunk of wigs (including my favorite, the Dutch Boy scarecrow on meth wig above) and said BLOOP! to those messes.
If you’re in the Atlanta area and spotted what looked like a yellow-haired angora rabbit flying through the sky, that wasn’t a flying yellow-haired angora rabbit. It was NeNe Leakes’ wig, which she cackled off after seeing the video of Peter Thomas’ sleazy slut ass getting on a woman who isn’t his wife Cynthia Bailey.
During last season’s reunion of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, the factory-defected light bulb that is Porsha Williams accused Cynthia’s husband Peter of passing his peen to other poons. Well, yesterday, The Shade Room (via Radar) posted an Instagram video from a true investigative reporter who pretended to be taking a selfie, but was really trying to get proof of Peter Thomas putting his hands on a lady at a club. In the video, Peter has his hand on the lady’s neck and whispers something into her ear before it looks like he runs his hand down her titty zone. I’m going to guess that he whispered “You wanna go back to my mushroom pied-à-terre and let Papa Smurf feed you his Smurf berries?” into her ear.
Hold up your Detective La Toya brand magnifying glass and judge for yourself:
After the video made the rounds, Peter denied away in an Instagram video (which he later deleted). Peter claims the chick in the video is just a friend and then apologized to his family even though he swears he wasn’t doing anything wrong.
“There’s stuff all over the Instagram that made me look like a big ass cheater. Okay, that’s not what it is. That is a friend of mine at a club that I was talking to. It looks crazy, I know it does. So I’m apologizing to my wife. I’m apologizing to my two beautiful daughters. Okay, your daddy’s not a cheater.”
I don’t know why Peter is apologizing to Cynthia. She should be the one thanking him for sticking with the script, busting out the stunt they planned and finally giving her a storyline next season. “Now don’t act like I haven’t done anything for you” is probably what Peter said to Cynthia right before she gave him his allowance for the week.
As Kim Richards of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills gets herself together in a Four Seasons-like rehab facility of luxury that talking used dildo Dr. Phil sent her to, the Los Angeles District Attorney’s Office has slapped her with three misdemeanor charges including one count of public intoxication, one count of resisting arrest and one count of battery upon a peace officer. I would say that somebody needs to page Kathy Hilton to tell her to use her connections to keep one of her own out of the clink, but I’m pretty sure Kathy Hilton already used up all her favors on trying to keep her piece of trash kids out of the chokey.
Kim was put into handcuffs last month after she caused a scene at the Polo Lounge inside of The Beverly Hills Hotel while under the influence of the sweet nectar and other mind-altering stuff. Kim locked herself in the bathroom and when the police dragged her out, she kicked one of them. UsWeekly claims that the documents say that Kim was high on “liquor and a drug, a controlled substance, and toluene” at the time of her arrest. If convicted of all charges, Kim could be sitting in prison for two and a half years. If Kim Richards actually gets sentenced to two and a half years in prison (shit, if she gets sentenced to two and a half hours in prison), Pimp Mama Kris better start collecting Khlozilla’s waxed-off back hair scraps, because she’s going to need to make an extra warm jacket to send to her maker Lucifer since Hell would have frozen over.
Teresa Giudice’s Crisis Manager Dropped Her Ass For Asking A Judge To Send Her To The “Orange Is The New Black” Prison
On January 5, 2015, Teresa Giudice of The Real Housewives of New Jersey begins serving the 15 months she got for taking part in the grifting schemes orchestrated by that shady chimp Juicy Joe and instead of trying to cooperate with the Bureau of Prisons, bitch is making accommodation requests.
Teresa’s Cha-Ka in bad drag looking ass hired legal crisis manager, Wendy Feldman, to help her deal with the orange diarrhea puddle that is her legal problems, but that relationship is now over. Wendy tells E! News that she erased Teresa’s name from her client list after that mess sent a letter to the judge begging to be sent to Danbury Federal Prison in Connecticut (where Orange is the New Black takes place). Wendy never approved the letter and wouldn’t ever let Teresa pull a move like that. Wendy spit this up to E!:
“I am not the consultant referred to in filing. This is clearly not the first time my advice has not been followed, but this is the time where the stakes are the highest. Both for my clients and myself, I work hard to maintain a strong relationship with the Bureau of Prisons. As I’ve tried to instruct Teresa, this is a process that must be respected. A designation to a camp is a gift, not a requirement from the BOP and the judge. By making this request, Teresa has jeopardized months of work, months of preparation and in fact may jeopardize where she is ultimately designated or sent to.
My ultimate responsibility is to all of my clients, not just to Teresa. I’m hopeful that, at some point, a change occurs and rehabilitation begins. My thought and wishes will always be with her children.”
That isn’t the only request Teresa made. What Teresa lacks in brain cells, she makes up for in gall, because TMZ says that her lawyer sent a letter to the judge claiming that some law states that she has the right to serve 12 months of her 15 month sentence in a halfway house instead of prison. Prosecutors shat on Teresa’s request and told the judge that convicted criminals don’t get to downgrade their punishment.
Teresa Giudice once said, “I don’t want to live in somebody else’s house. That’s gross,” so I’m surprised and disappointed in her that she didn’t ask the judge to build her a new prison, because she doesn’t want to live in somebody else’s prison. That’s gross. (Cut to the judge opening a letter from Teresa claiming that some law states that she has the right to serve her sentence in a new prison built for her because used prisons are gross.)
And Teresa probably wants to go to Danbury, because she thinks Orange is the New Black is a documentary and thinks they really shoot there. Teresa doesn’t want to be away from her only true love, the cameras, and ripping them apart would be the biggest punishment of all.
The sentencing hearing for Juicy Joe and Teresa Giudice from The Real Housewives of New Jersey started at around 7am PST on Thursday, October 2, 2014 and if you’re a mess like me, you’ve been following it ever since. I don’t even know what day it is anymore. The judge dragged it out like she was getting paid by the hour. I’m pretty sure Juicy Joe and Teresa served their sentence in that court room, because three years have gone by. Happy Birthday x 3 to us all!
Well, the Space Farm Zoo in Sussex better free up some cages, because here comes Juicy Joe and Teresa. Juicy Joe will soon shove his juicy man tits into an orange jumpsuit, because a judge in Newark, NJ sentenced him to 41 months in the clink and 2 years probation for pleading guilty to wire and bankruptcy fraud. The judge also ordered him to pay $414,588.90 in restitution and Juicy Joe has to complete a booze treatment program while in the chokey. Teresa Giudice got 15 months in prison. One of them has 30 to 40 days to turn themselves in. The judge will allow them to serve staggered sentences so one of them can be at home with their 4 daughters.