During part 1 of The Real Housewives of Miami reunion on Monday night, Adriana de Moura, who looked like a Latin Endora, kept scratching at her rival Joanna Krupa and said that Brandi Glanville (of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) told her at an event that Joanna is a home wrecking whore who ruined the marriage of Yolanda Foster (another Real Housewife of Beverly Hills) and Mohamed Hadid (a super creepy real estate mogul who is all over Bravo’s shows). According to Adriana, Joanna’s affair with Mohamed is the reason why Yolanda divorced him. Joanna (or Ho-Anna as Adriana calls her) denied having a bull dozer vagina and denied boning Mohamed. Then right after the reunion, Brandi just so happened to be on Watch What Happens Live (via Radar) and of course this mess was brought up.
Brandi stood by her story and told Andy Cohen that as far as she knows, Joanna did hump on Mohamed while he was married to Yolanda. During the show, Andy got a note from a producer that Joanna just tweeted (and later deleted) to Brandi: “No wonder her husband left her.” Well, when you come for Brandi, she’s going to call you out and say that your twat smells like a Florida Red Lobster dumpster in the middle of August. Brandi queefed this out:
“Well, Mohamed did tell me that her pussy smelled. Just saying. It’s true. I’m not lying. And Lisa Vanderpump was there when he said it. Sorry, bitch. I win!”
And here’s the video of Brandi declaring to the world that Joanna needs vagina deodorant:
That clip right there. It’s like the new definition of feminism.
And you know that shit-stirring shifty Siamese Cat Andy Cohen is going to milk every last drop out of this. He’s going to bring Joanna, Brandi and professional cooch-sniffer Khloe Kardashian on Watch What Happens Live. Then he’s going to make Khloe sniff on Joanna’s chocha and Brandi’s chocha. Whichever chocha makes Khloe howl at the moon, slobber and chomp at the bits will be declared the loser.
And here’s Joanna in a totally natural and not-at-all staged bikini photo-op in her waterfront backyard in Miami. Now I’m not saying that Brandi is telling the truth, but the paps did say that after these pictures were taken, that dog tore its nose off with its paws before throwing itself in the water.
Page Six reported this morning that Ramona Singer of The Real Housewives of New York City might be having turtle time all the time to deal with her husband of 27 years, Mario Singer, passing his bare dick to a young blonde socialite. And you probably didn’t read that sentence at all since you made the mistake of staring into Ramona’s crazy eyes and now you’re driving to the nearest discount liquor store to buy every bottle of Ramona Pinot Grigio.
P6′s sources say that 60-year-old Mario met the unnamed blonde socialite type at some fancy party in the Hamptons and the two spent the summer together. Mario and his 20-something trick screwed at his Hamptons house when Ramona wasn’t there and when she got pregnant in August, he paid for the abortion. They kept bumping wet parts and they’re still bumping wet parts.
A source says that she was at a party in the Hamptons and the roommate of Mario’s side piece showed her pictures of his dick.
“The girl said, ‘You’re not going to believe this, but I have to show you some pictures. Mario’s having an affair with my roommate. She showed me a photo on her phone of Mario’s ding-dong. A selfie text of his naked body, in the girl’s apartment!”
Ramona told Hollywood Life that it’s not true.
Ramona is a human bottle of Pinot filled with equal parts delusion and insanity, so even if she caught Mario giving it to a socialite (Side note: The hell kind of socialite has a roommate?) raw dog style, she’d close the blinds on her STAINS eyes and pretend she didn’t see anything. I mean, this is the 56-year-old crazy mess who thought a fetus, not menopause, was to blame for her period not coming.
But I refuse to believe any of this until I see solid (meaning it better be hard) proof! And yes that’s me saying that I really want to see Mario Singer’s 60-year-old dick. Judge me all you want, just judge me while showing me Mario’s naked selfie.
Melissa Gorga of The Real Housewives of New Jersey wrote an advice book called “Love Italian Style: The Secrets of My Hot and Happy Marriage” for women who want to know how to keep their man happy, and Tracie at Jezebel read it so you don’t have to barf out every inch of your insides while taking in these words of fucked-up fuckery.
Based on the pieces from Melissa’s book that Jezebel posted, a wife keeps her man devoted to her by always keeping her legs open for him, always keeping dinner on the table and never letting the smell of her shit waft up into his nostrils. Melissa takes instruction from the Chimpanzee King of her Castle, Joe Gorga, on how to behave like a good, little wife and she basically does whatever he says. The title of this mess should’ve been: “The Gold Diggers Guide To Becoming Your Rich Husband’s Slave So He Won’t Drop You For Another Trick.”
You should read all the excerpts at Jezebel, but here’s a few healthy and wise bits of advice from Melissa and Joe:
Melissa on how her husband won’t want to stick his peen in some side whore if her coochie is always ready to go: “The way I see it, if a wife is a puttana, her husband will never feel the urge to go outside the marriage to actual whores, or strip clubs. He won’t hit on women in bars, or drool over his friend’s girlfriends or the secretary. He’ll rush home to his wife, who makes sure he’ll have a good time (the best time) in the comfort of his own home.”
Joe on how “no” means “yes.”: “Men, I know you think your woman isn’t the type who wants to be taken. But trust me, she is. Every girl wants to get her hair pulled once in a while. If your wife says ‘no,’ turn her around, and rip her clothes off. She wants to be dominated. Women don’t realize how easy men are. Just give us what we want.”
Melissa on how any good wife must be ready to bone at all times: “[A] woman needs to keep herself in shape. She has to be seductive. She must be willing to try new things for her husband’s pleasure and her own. And, most important, she has to be available for sex.”
Melissa on how Joe taught her to be home when he gets home: “His style was to make corrections and to teach me from the beginning days of our marriage exactly how he envisioned our life together. Joe always says, ‘You got to teach someone to walk straight on the knife. If you slip, you’re going to get cut.’ Even if something didn’t bother him that badly, he’d bring it up. He wanted to make sure that I knew, for example, if I ran out to CVS and he came home from work to an empty house, he didn’t like it. He’d call me and say, ‘I don’t care if you’re out all day long. But I don’t want to come home to an empty house.’”
Joe on how his sons can be sluts but his daughter must be a virgin bride: “My sons can have a separate entrance to the house. They can come and go as they wish. They can have anyone up to their room. I don’t care. But I want to keep my Antonia my little girl.
My wish is for her to have on boyfriend for a very long time. They have a mutual breakup with no bad feelings. Then she marries the next guy. That would be ideal. I don’t want her to ever have her heart broken. The only way I can see to helping her romantic life work out that way is be really strict and overprotective about who she sees, when she goes out, and what she does.
I know it’s a double standard but I just don’t care! I don’t see it so much as restricting Antonia, but as protecting her.”
Melissa on how if Joe did housework, he’d grow a vagina: “When gender roles are confused, sexual roles are, too. If he’s at the sink and then changing diapers, then who throws down in the bed? In our marriage, Joe is always the man, doing masculine things. I’m the woman, and I do the female things, including housework.”
Melissa on how she never lets Joe know that she’s taking a caca: “Girls don’t poop. Me, never have. Never will. It just doesn’t happen. Or, that’s what Joe things! We’ve been married for nine years, and he has never once seen or smelled my business. How have I pulled this off? I don’t do it when he’s around or awake. In an emergency, I have my ways of pooping so he won’t hear, smell, or see. It’s a challenge.”
It’s kind of funny how Melissa is scared to shit in front of a big piece of shit.
If Melissa labeled her book as “fiction” and titled it “Fifty Shades of Grey: The Marriage Years,” it would be a worldwide best-seller. But none of this is really surprising, sadly. Taking marriage advice from Melissa and Joe Gorga is like taking financial advice from Teresa Giudice and Juicy Joe. And I bet the audio version of Melissa’s book is nothing but her whispering “heeeeeeelp me” over and over again.
After three long years of sharing the same styling balm, smoothing brush and foreskin cleansing soap, Cuntess LuMann de Lesseps of The Real Housewives of New York and her French boyfriend Davide Schwimmaire (real name: Jacques Azoulay) have broken up. The definition of “love” should be changed to, “DOESN’T EXIST!!!!”, now that the love between a delusional, fame whoring ex-countess and a fun house mirror Ross Geller has died.
LuAnn’s rep (yes, she has one of those and I’m guessing her rep is the person you’d most likely see in the corner booth at a HoJo’s softly weeping into their cup of lukewarm white wine) told Life & Style that 48-year-old LuAnn and 38-year-old Jacques broke up, because their lives are in different places:
“They are at different points in their life now and have mutually agreed its best. LuAnn is upset, but it’s amicable and they remain friends. Jacques has been a wonderful part of her life.”
He’s at the point in life where he doesn’t want to lick dried pirate chowder off of his girlfriend’s chichis and she’s at the point in life where she realizes that the relationship she’s in isn’t going to get her a spin-off series on Bravo so she must move on.
If history repeats itself, then Sonja Morgan will once again have LuAnn’s sloppy seconds up her butt in 3..2.. Grab the ass lube, Jacques!
And is food always on my mind or is LuAnn really wearing a Pillsbury pie crust empanada necklace?
While the has-beens and lessers were at something called the MTV VMAsomethings in Brooklyn, the real stars were at InTouch Weekly’s Icons & Idols (read: the opposite of that) party held in the back room of Dallas BBQ on 2nd Avenue in the East Village. No, it was held in some club.
The pores on your face are probably hyperventilating and I’m sure your eyelids suddenly feel really heavy, like they’re holding up 40 pounds of tar-covered tarantulas. Jersey Shore whore Deena Cortese and her natural beauty have that effect on most. A shortage of Bonne Bell foundation was issued in the Tri-state area and that’s because Deena wore every last bottle on her face. Bitch looks like an overused foundation sponge that somehow mutated into a living thing. I kind of want to stick my finger in her 7 layers of foundation and see how far it goes.
She looks like a Danny DeVito wax figure at a really terrible wax museum that wasn’t really popular with visitors so it was re-purposed into a JLo wax figure.
With all that said, she’s really not wearing enough make-up and a dark lip liner really would’ve completed the look.
The sounds of a gorilla’s mournful moans can be heard from all over New Jersey today and that’s because Teresa Giudice and her husband Juicy Joe Giudice were hit with a bunch of fraud and tax charges by a federal grand jury in Newark, NJ. The federal grand jury made Teresa’s Land of the Lost hairline jump to the back of her head this afternoon when they charged them with 39 counts of fraud.
NJ.com says that Teresa and Juicy Joe are accused of defrauding lenders, illegally obtaining mortgages and hiding money during a bankruptcy case. New Jersey’s U.S. Attorney Paul Fishman also said that Juicy Joe made around $1 million from 2004 to 2008, but he didn’t file any taxes. Paul Fishman said in a statement that those lying, scheming whores lied to the IRS, bankruptcy court and told lies to several banks to get mortgages they couldn’t afford. In the indictment, the authorities state that Teresa gave a bank fake W-2 forms and fake pay stubs to get a mortgage for $121,500. Basically, they both did a lot of shady, criminal shit and the IRS has got their number, hussy!
If convicted of all charges, they both could get up to 50 years in the clink and be ordered to pay a mountain of cash in fines.
Teresa shat out this statement right after she was hit with all those charges and she obviously didn’t write a word of this shit because it’s way too coherent:
“Today is a most difficult day for our family. I support Joe and, as a wonderful husband and father, I know he wants only the best for our lovely daughters and me. I am committed to my family and intend to maintain our lives in the best way possible, which includes continuing my career. As a result, I am hopeful that we will resolve this matter with the Government as quickly as possible.”
Teresa’s head is really filled with chimp queefs if she thinks that this is all going to go away magically. The IRS does not fuck around and if you owe them money, they will take the last piece of food out of your child’s mouth and cackle while doing it. Teresa better hope that they give her a cell with a purse closet big enough to hold all her $5,000 Celine bags. She should also hope that James Franco, Marky Mark or Charlton Heston’s ghost takes pity upon her and breaks her out of her prison cage.
Tamra Barney of The Real Housewives of Orange County married her big-tittied boyfriend Eddie Judge in Laguna Beach, CA last night and the wedding was as elegant and intimate as you’d expect her wedding to be. Not only were Bravo’s cameras there to capture every beautiful moment from Tamra’s third wedding, but an artist was also there to paint their marital portrait during the ceremony, because you can never have too many things to sell on eBay after your marriage eventually goes down the toilet after a couple of years and you need to pay the mortgage on the huge house you can barely afford.
All of the hos from The Real Plastic Wives of Orange County were at Tamra’s wedding including her supposed best friend on the show Gretchen Rossi who sat with the other guests while her arch rival Droopy Dog Vicki was up there as a bridesmaid. But the best part of Tamra’s mess of a wedding was the backdrop of foolery they got married in front of. That looks like something a community college art student (no offense to community college art students) barfed up using spray paint, flea market rejects and an old bike found near a dumpster. That bike is apparently Eddie’s bike, so I’m guessing he wanted it nearby just in case he felt the need to jump on it and ride out of that bitch.
That display is a total wreck and you know, that’s actually a fitting symbol for this wedding.
Super whore (copyright: Adriana) Joanna Krupa from The Real Housewives of Miami married her on-and-off-again dude of 6 years Romain Zago in a $1 million wedding in Carlsbad, CA yesterday. I hope Joanna and Romain kept all the receipts, because they’re going to want a refund when their marriage throws itself in a shallow grave in about 6 months (I’m being generous).
Life & Style says that Joanna and Romain got married at the Park Hyatt Aviara Resort in front of Bravo’s cameras and 150 guests including her RHoM co-stars Adriana, Karent, Lisa and Alexia. Joanna wore a $30,000 gown by Chagoury Couture (keep the receipt, bitch!) and carried a bouquet of white roses and hydrangeas (again, keep the receipt, bitch!). The Daily Mail has pictures of Joanna’s dress and it looks like an episode of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding swallowed a bunch of whipped cream and then barfed it all up. It looks like Joanna’s queefing and farting out a bunch of sea foam. It’s sophistication personified, basically.
Joanna and Romain first got engaged last year and then they pressed pause on their relationship last November before getting re-engaged later. I guess Bravo needed some kind of finale for the next season of RhoM, which is the only reason why these two messes got married, but who cares about them. The only thing I want to know is if the blossom of Miami, La Bruja, was the flower girl.
Yeah, right. Like that jealous bitch Joanna Krupa would ever let a shining jewel who is a million times more gorgeous than her upstage her at her own wedding. All the flowers at Joanna’s wedding would’ve died as soon as La Bruja sashayed down the aisle, because they would’ve known that they could never compete with a beauty as natural as hers.
And here’s some pictures of Joanna and some of her RHoM co-hos at her bachelorette party a few days ago and pictures of Romain’s bulge last month. I really hope Romain’s bulge was the ring bearer at his wedding.
A thick cloud of oil-based paint fumes, burnt silicone, charred polyester, hairspray and shamelessness swept through Manhattan yesterday, because all of the tricks, tramps and whores from Bravo were in NYC for the Upfronts. Falkor Rimes’ greatest enemy Brandi Glanville took the whole meaning of “Upfronts” to another level by putting her titties under the spotlight. While Gerard Butler’s peen is squinting at this picture and wondering why it feels like it’s seen those chichis before, LeAnn Rimes is copying this look by gluing red-dyed doilies to her plastic chest globes. She’s going to wear that outfit to her stepson’s t-ball game this weekend.
Seeing all the Housewives in the same place together makes me wonder why Bravo hasn’t put all these wrecks in the same show together. They should throw every Housewife in a giant bus and send them across the country. They probably wouldn’t make it ten miles, because they’d all stab each other to death with their clavicle bones while fighting to plug their curling irons into the only outlet in the only bathroom. Greenlight it, Andy!
Here’s just some of the hos at last night’s Upfronts: Falkor enemy #1, Cynthia Bailey from RHoA, NeNe from RHoA (looking like a Mayan cheerleader from the 20s), Kroy with a talking wig, Gorilla Head Giudice from RHoNJ, a human Pinot Grigio bottle from RHoNY, Kenya Moore from RHoA, a lipoed hamster in drag, Joanna Krupa from RHoM, Yolanda with Lisa from RHoBH, Phaedra Parks from RHoA and the messes from Shahs of Sunset.
No, that’s not a trick question. I think.
On last night’s season premiere of The Real Menopausal Barbies of Orange County, the original Real Housewife, Vicki Gunvalson, showed us what thousands of dollars, massive amounts of low-self esteem and a silicone chin gets you. After Gretchen’s dried skid mark of a fiance Slade Smiley compared her to Miss Piggy last season, Vicki’s self-esteem plummeted into the gutter with Alexis Bellino’s financial situation. Vicki said she’s always felt unpretty, but Slade’s comments helped to push her under the plastic surgeon scalpel. Vicki had her nose thinned, fat injected into her cheeks and she had a chin implant put in. The picture on the left is Vicki in 2010 and the picture on the right is Vicki last month.
I watched last night and Vicki looked the same to me. Vicki’s face just looked extra squished and swollen. But now that I’m looking at the pictures I see the difference. Vicki’s old face was covered in real human skin and it looked somewhat biodegradable. Vicki’s new face makes her look like she’s got the same complexion as a vanilla candle that has been left out in the sun too long. Those bat pube lashes don’t help either. If Vicki wanted to look like Overly Attached Girlfriend’s grandma, then she got the look she wanted.
And the hell did they do to Vicki’s dimples? Injecting all that fat into her cheeks gave her butt cracks on her face.
Here’s Vicki debuting her “settled” new face on WWHL last night:
For the record, I think Vicki looks better now, but only because she has a pair of beautiful butt cracks framing her mouth.