The sentencing hearing for Juicy Joe and Teresa Giudice from The Real Housewives of New Jersey started at around 7am PST on Thursday, October 2, 2014 and if you’re a mess like me, you’ve been following it ever since. I don’t even know what day it is anymore. The judge dragged it out like she was getting paid by the hour. I’m pretty sure Juicy Joe and Teresa served their sentence in that court room, because three years have gone by. Happy Birthday x 3 to us all!
Well, the Space Farm Zoo in Sussex better free up some cages, because here comes Juicy Joe and Teresa. Juicy Joe will soon shove his juicy man tits into an orange jumpsuit, because a judge in Newark, NJ sentenced him to 41 months in the clink and 2 years probation for pleading guilty to wire and bankruptcy fraud. The judge also ordered him to pay $414,588.90 in restitution and Juicy Joe has to complete a booze treatment program while in the chokey. Teresa Giudice got 15 months in prison. One of them has 30 to 40 days to turn themselves in. The judge will allow them to serve staggered sentences so one of them can be at home with their 4 daughters.
Seen above getting his body prison yard ready, Apollo Nida finally turned himself in to a federal prison in Lexington, Kentucky this morning after he missed yesterday’s deadline, because he wanted to deliver one last melodramatic performance in front of Bravo’s cameras. The future Mr. Cell Block Beauty 2014 was supposed to start his 8 year sentence for committing fraud yesterday at noon, but he flipped off that deadline and terrorized his wife Phaedra Parks at her house instead. Radar says that Apollo is now in custody and officials won’t say if he’ll be punished for showing up a day late. Right before he did the Gone with the Wind fabulous twirl into the chokey, he uploaded a video message where he thanked everyone for their prayers (“Yes, I definitely spent a piece of my prayer time on this asshole” – no one) and told us all to stay tuned. Oh, Apollo, I doubt your own wife is going to wait for you let alone the reality shit show viewing public who is fickle as fuck. Here’s Apollo’s message in text form:
“Well, everyone, I have finally arrived at the penitentiary. I’m about go to asunder. Thank you for the support and prayer. Stay tuned and you’ll hear from me shortly.”
I bet he’s about to go assunder. Apollo forgot to thank Bravo for putting money in his prison account as payment for giving them another meltdown in front of the cameras. He also forgot to thank Bravo for hiding a cell phone behind a brick in a bathroom stall so he can give them more material by sexting Kenya Moore from prison.
The drama of it all. Apollo doesn’t show up to prison yesterday and then he posts a video message where he uses words like “asunder.” Apollo, save the theatrics for when you star in a production of A Mother’s Love in the prison playhouse. Apollo’s video message is after the cut if you care.
Apollo Nida, the prison piece criminal husband of Phaedra Parks from The Real Housewives of Atlanta, was supposed to check into his home away from home, the penitentiary, today to begin serving an 8 year sentence for committing fraud and money laundering, but his cell bunk is empty and cold, because he hasn’t shown up. CNN, UsWeekly and TMZ say that instead of taking his ass to prison, Apollo went to his wife’s house and caused a messy scene. The FAA better clear the skies above Atlanta, because Kenya Moore’s head is about ten seconds away from popping off over all of this excitement.
Phaedra Parks‘ prison bitch trophy husband Apollo Nida won the Dumb Bitch of the Day, Week, Month, Year and Decade award when we all found out that for over a year he’s been up to his old criminal tricks. Earlier this year, Apollo was charged with mail, wire and bank fraud after the feds investigated his shady, shifty ass and found out that he opened up a fake debt collection agency to get access to the LexisNexis and Equifax databases so he could steal identities. Apollo and his “right hand bitch” Gayla St. Julien (a real name and not the name of a character in Curtis Hanson movie) would use the stolen identities to find and claim unclaimed funds, refunds from the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development, stolen U.S. treasury checks and refunds from fraudulent U.S. income tax returns. Apollo also opened up a fake dealership to get auto loans for cars that didn’t exist. Just like the grifting pieces of trash Teresa and Juicy Joe Giudice, the feds had him right by the ass lips.
Yesterday, Apollo, the God of Grifting, pleaded guilty in court as part of what I’m guessing is a plea deal. The Atlanta Journal Constitution says that Apollo couldn’t really deny he masterminded the schemes since all of the evidence was on his own laptop. In court, Apollo spit out a cold stream of bullshit when he said that he pulled those illegal schemes, because he was insecure about his wife Phaedra making more money than him.
In 2009, Nida had just left prison after five years for federal racketeering charges related to auto title fraud. He and Parks married and she soon signed on to be part of “Real Housewives of Atlanta.”
He said she was making far more money than him and he felt pressure to keep up. (He cited a $600,000 contract for her but didn’t say how long that was supposed to last.) Without easy legitimate ways to make quick money, he opted for this illegal scheme instead. But he claimed to her he was running a legitimate debt recovery firm and kept her firmly in the dark.
He said he even had a nervous breakdown at one point over the pressures to “sustain a lifestyle” befitting of a reality show star. And once he started the scheme, he found it difficult to stop. “I got sucked in and engulfed and lost sight of things,” he said.
Nida said he often didn’t think about whether this was hurting anybody because he was primarily targeting private businesses and the government, not individuals. And in the case of unclaimed property, what were the odds these folks would ever claim them?
Apollo will be sentenced in July. He faces up to 30 years in the clink, fines up to $1 million and he’ll most likely be ordered to pay the $2.3 million he defrauded from banks, individuals and the government. Us whores who watch The Real Housewives of Atlanta have also been punished, because we’ll have to watch the smugness shoot out of Kenya Moore’s pores when she does the karma twirl.
If Phaedra really had no idea that her convicted felon trophy piece husband was running schemes again, then she’s got the brains of the dead corpses she paints up during her weekend job at the funeral home. Apollo isn’t only a mega dumb fuck, but he’s also a pox on the gold digging house. What is the point of being a gold digging trophy if you’re not going to just sit around and look pretty and let your sugar mama pour the money on you? Apollo is a real embarrassment to gold diggers who work hard to get an ATM to marry them.
The sad part is that I know that Apollo has the personality of a phlegmy poop and his ego is bigger than Phaedra’s donkey booty, but if I was in prison, I’d want to be his bottom bunk cellmate. I hope they let him take topless selfies in prison.
During the taping of The Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion last month, eyelashes flew and the smoke detectors went off from the burnt pancake makeup fumes when black history scholar Porsha Stewart went after and dragged slut from the 90s (copyright: Porsha) Kenya Moore. Bravo supposedly gave Porsha a pink slip and an application to Subway after she turned Kenya into her own personal mop. Well, now Porsha has been charged with assault and she turned herself in today. I don’t know what the weather was like in Atlanta today, but if the sun was out and the sky had an ethereal glow to it, that was civil rights activist Hosea Williams beaming with pride over his granddaughter getting arrested for fighting with some trick at a reality show reunion.
E! News says that Porsha was booked, her mug shot of glamour was taken, she posted bond and sashayed out of there. Porsha’s mug shot is very “beauty school yearbook picture circa 1983.” Porsha may be dumber than a piece of wet tampon lint, but she knows how to deliver the glamour in a mug shot. The expert at Maaco who painted her face and the licensed contractor who glued black broom bristles to her eyelids did an amazing job.
Andy Cohen talked about this wreck of a fight during an episode of @sk Andy and he called it “gross.” You might not able to read what he said since your seeing globes probably rolled out of your head and your cat are playing with them on the floor.
“To me, it came out of nowhere. The other women felt that Kenya kind of provoked her a little bit and was provoking her. I think I was just so shocked and so surprised, and I was just really upset. I don’t want that happen. I think it’s gross, and I think it’s just totally inappropriate, it’s wrong, it’s not entertaining. It’s just bad.”
I wonder what Andy’s definition of “really upset” is, because I’m not sure I would use those words to describe his ass getting so hot and tingly over Porsha and Kenya scrappin’ that a Bravo production assistant had to grab a Q-Tip. Andy was so grossed out by the whole thing that his nipples throbbed and milk squirted out of ‘em as he thought about the bonus check he’ll get once the ratings come in. Andy was so disgusted that he called up his realtor to let them know to go ahead and make an offer on that Hamptons beach house. Bravo and Andy are so grossed out that they’re going to air the fight on the reunion on Sunday. They’re so severely, severely, sickeningly disgusted that they’re probably going to air the raw footage on Pay-Per-View. I hope Mama Dionesia is on the sidelines throwing voodoo curses at all of them.
Because the divorce rate in America isn’t going to raise on its damn own, two Real Housewives (well, technically, one Real Housewife and one displaced Real Housewives refugee) started their journey to divorce (served in a terrine of bitterness) yesterday by getting married. Kandi Burruss of Xscape and The Real Housewives of Atlanta married gold digging opportunist (copyright: Mama Joyce) Todd Tucker in Atlanta and the malnourished llama Taylor Armstrong, formerly of The Real PlasticWives of Beverly Hills, earned another gold digging medal of achievement when she married lawyer John Bluher (which is what a free clinic doctor writes next to “reason” on the medical file of a trick who came in with pus-filled warts all over her coochie lips after John Mayer gave her oral).
CNN says that Kandi married her boyfriend of a few years Todd Tucker after being engaged to him for a year. (Side note: Before you say, “The hell why is CNN covering this?“, be thankful that at least they’re covering this instead of recreating the Malaysia Airlines flight with Micro Machines.) Reality Tea says that as far as they know, only Porsha Stewart and Phaedra Parks were at the wedding. I guess Mama Joyce didn’t bum rush Todd and tackle him to the floor when the officiant asked if anyone objected. I’m sure Mama Joyce was truly happy for Kandi and while her daughter danced with Todd, she serenaded them with her muffled screams while she was tied down to a chair with a napkin stuffed in her mouth. I can’t wait to see that beautiful and touching moment when Bravo eventually airs it.
And in California, Taylor Armstrong made porny-named John Bluher her second husband during a ceremony at the Bel Air Bay Club in the Pacific Palisades. UsWeekly says that 120 guests including the morally corrupt Faye Resnick, Kyle Richards and Lisa Vanderpump watched as Taylor’s baboon butt lips attacked her new husband’s mouth after they were married. Taylor and John met in 2011 when she hired him after her estranged husband Russell Armstrong killed himself. So out of tragedy came a shameless book and a new husband. You go, Taylor, I guess.
Taylor’s wedding was planned by David Tutera and cameras were present, so I’m assuming it’s going to be on My Fair Wedding. I couldn’t find any pictures of David Tutera, but that’s probably because he was tending to more important behind-the-scene details like fucking a man hooker in the bathroom.
Porsha Stewart is about as dumb as a dust bunny on a discarded dildo, so I guess somebody with a brain told her what she needs to do to not get fired from The Real Housewives of Atlanta next season. Because UsWeekly, People and Radar say that during the taping of The Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion yesterday,
Porsha Hyundai came at her rival Kenya Moore without a summons and dragged that bitch across the floor by her all-natural hair before security broke them up. Minutes later, the paramedics were called, because thinking of the ratings made Andy Cohen jizz out most of his body fluids and he had to be hooked up to an IV drip.
Radar’s source says that the fuckery started when Kenya Moore Whore (copyright: Shady Phaedra) poked at the rumors that Porsha’s estranged husband Kordell Stewart loves dick on his tongue by bringing out a box of sex toys. Hell hath no fury like a beard scorned! When Porsha jumped out of her seat to attack, Kenya also jumped out of her seat and the boxing bell rang. Radar’s source spit this out:
“Porsha beat the shit out of her! She is a little thing and she jumped on her and pulled her down to the ground by her hair, and Kenya doesn’t have a weave, it is all her own hair.”
UsWeekly’s source says that Andy Cohen and security both jumped in and stopped the fight.
NeNe pretty much confirmed this mess went down by tweeting out this clap of approval for Porsha.
Love u @Porsha4real
— NeNe Leakes (@NeNeLeakes) March 28, 2014
I can’t wait to see Porsha use Kenya Moore Whore as a Swiffer, but that fight seems more staged and choreographed than a WWE fight. Kenya is built like an amazon and Porsha is built like a malnourished wiener dog. Besides, if Porsha ran toward Kenya, Kenya would just twirl, twirl and twirl until that little trick went flying across the room.
UPDATE: Tamara Tattles says that Kenya never brought out butt dildos, but she did talk shit about Porsha’s marriage. Tamara also says that the fight wasn’t the messy bitch brawl Radar and UsWeekly made it out to be. Apparently, producers immediately sent Porsha home and later fired her. I don’t know if I believe that Porsha was pink-slipped, because I thought those HouseMesses got a bonus for beating a bitch.
And a failed gold digger continues to fail at gold digging…
TMZ says that Porsha Williams, the fart-brained bobblehead doll from The Real Housewives of Atlanta, is following up her last failed gold digging mission with another gold digging mission that’s either going to end with the feds confiscating her Rolls Royce or with her disappearing after taking a private jet to Equatorial Guinea. Porsha broke up with her dinosaur-looking ass husband Kordell Stewart last year and she’s getting a whole lot of nothing in the divorce settlement. So she picked up her shovel and started digging for gold again. Porsha has hit gold, but this time the gold’s covered in blood.
Porsha is supposedly dating 42-year-old Teodoro Nguema Obiang Mangue, the son of African dictator Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasogo. So we don’t confuse our brains, let’s call the son “Teodoro” and the dad “Crazy Bitch.” Teodoro’s dad has been the President of Equatorial Guinea since 1979 and he refuses to get off of his throne. Wikipedia says that while most of the people of Equatorial Guinea don’t have access to clean drinking water, Crazy Bitch and his family are living the gold-plated high life. Forbes claims that Crazy Bitch has a net worth of $600 million and the US Department of Justice believes that he and his son got most of that money through corruption. In 2011 and 2012, the French and US government snatched away a ton of Crazy Bitch and his son’s assets including homes and cars.
Crazy Bitch is considered one of the most corrupt rulers in the world and his opponents have accused him of killing and eating parts of his enemies to gain power.
And Porsha Williams is dating his son. TMZ says that Teodoro, who lives in Malibu, and Porsha haven’t been dating long, but he’s already bought her a Rolls Royce, Louboutins and crap from Chanel. He’s planning to buy her a multi-million dollar mansion in Atlanta.
Pinto Williams needs to have a seat in the back row and stay there, because the gold digging game is not for her. Leave it to the adults, Porsha. Porsha got nothing from her divorce and now she’s dating the son of a crazy, ruthless dictator who is being investigated for embezzlement? Having no brains and no moral compass is no way to go through life.
Porsha knows as much about gold digging as she does about African-American history.
As expected, Juicy Joe (more like Extra Juicy Joe because he looks like he chewed a piece of Willy Wonka’s three-course meal gum for breakfast) and his gorilla grifting partner Teresa Giudice of The Real Housewives of New Jersey did the walk of shamelessness into the Federal Courthouse in Newark, NJ this morning and pleaded guilty to fraud as part of a plea deal. Juicy and Teresa actually had to repeat the word “guilty” a few times, because the judge had a hard time hearing them over the sound of Melissa Gorga loudly fapping and cackling at the same time in the back row of the court room.
NorthJersey.com says that Juicy Joe pled guilty to 5 counts of fraud and Teresa pled guilty to 4 counts. Last July, they were charged with 41 counts of fraud for faking pay stubs and W-2s to get $5 million in different types of loans. Juicy Joe was also charged with not filing taxes from 2004 through 2008 even though he made around $1 million. They were facing up to 50 years in the chokey, but under the plea deal, Juicy Joe could sit in prison for at least 3 years and Teresa could be making fake tanner out of roach shit and orange peels in prison for 21 to 27 months. In my earlier post about this messiness, I said that there was talk that Teresa could only get probation, but apparently she’s looking at spending time in prison, so she should start practicing stuffing her coochie with the contraband rhinestone and gold accessories she’ll need to properly accessorize her orange jumpsuit.
Sentencing isn’t until July 8th and the judge doesn’t have to stick with the perimeters of the plea deal.
If Juicy and Teresa didn’t take the plea deal, they would’ve gone to trial on April 14th. Since most humans hate these two dumb bitches and the feds had mountains of shit on them, they probably would’ve been found guilty of many of the charges and Bravo would’ve had to fast-track The Real Cellmates of The Edna Mahan Correctional Facility For Women. So these two brain-dead con chimps really had no other choice but to take the deal.
I wonder where Juicy and Teresa’s daughters will go since they are bitch fighting with most of their family members. You know, if Juicy and Teresa left their girls in their big ass mansion to fend for themselves and the power, gas and water was eventually shut off and all they had to eat were wet leaves and a bunch of mice took pity upon them and started to care for them, they’d probably be better off than being raised by these two fuck sores.
Here’s Extra Juicy Joe and Greta Gremlin walking into court today. In Teresa’s defense, she did show the court that she’s not overspending like normal by wearing a coat she made herself with Juicy Joe’s shaved-off butt hairs.
This picture sums it up. Ramona Singer is all the way lit up and is giving all her love to the camera while Mario Singer eye fucks some sweet ass over yonder with his peen-shaped gaze.
Just a week after Ramona of The Real Housewives of New York City and her husband of 27 years Mario got into a fight at their Hamptons home when she caught him with his side slut turned main slut, she has filed legal papers to officially stab the heart of their marriage with a broken Pinto Grigio bottle. Mario and Ramona have been separated for a while and he’s been humping on some 20-something piece while she does the same thing, but she’s decided to cut the cord completely. Kathie Lee Gifford’s spirit (as in gin) animal filed for divorce in Manhattan’s Supreme Court (which sadly, isn’t led by Fiona “Knotty Piiiiiiiiiiiine” Goode) on Tuesday and she wants their NYC apartment and their fancy house in the Hamptons. Ramona tweeted this yesterday:
“Thank you all for the love & support! For my daughter’s sake, I would appreciate everyone respecting our privacy during this difficult time.”
I love it when a mess who is on a reality show and squirts about her personal shit to tabloids and The New York Post puts a “privacy please” sign over her life. So when Ramona goes on Watch What Happens Live and fills Andy Cohen’s ears with manufactured tears as she cry moans about how Mario did her wrong, I will respect her privacy by changing the channel to House Hunters International. When Ramona shows up on the season premiere of RHoNY and starts squawking about her private shit, I will respect her privacy by changing the channel to reruns of the Puppy Bowl (aka another show where un-potty trained animals slobber and jump on each other). You can count on me, RaMoanAh!
And of course, Jill Kamen Zarin™ piped in about this:
— Jill Kamen Zarin™ (@Jillzarin) January 27, 2014
I should say that Jill Zarin’s assistant piped in about this, because Jill Zarin was unable to tweet since she was too busy furiously rubbing herself while overdosing on gleeeeeeeeeeeeee.