The 39th Annual Golden Raspberry Awards were just announced, and as is usual in most losing your virginity in high school scenarios, the Razzies continue to nail the best of the worst! This year was a real equal opportunity caller out-er of the bad shit on the silver (nickel plated?) screen, and no hair piece, Dame, politician’s wife or puppet was excluded from the Razzie spotlight of the worst for 2018.
Well, well, well – here’s one big award Lady Gaga won’t be taking home this year (besides the Oscar). The Razzie nominations are here, and there’s nary a nod to A Star Is Born, Green Book, or Bohemian Rhapsody, all movies more worthy of scorn (according TO ME) than any of the 5 that a got a Worst Movie nomination. And the acting category is a real mind-bender with Donald and Melania Trump each being nominated for playing themselves in Michael Moore’s Fahrenheit 11/9. Trump was even nominated a second time in Dinesh D’Souza’s Death of A Nation, also for playing himself. I mean, sure. But what are we really doing here?
Tomorrow we find out if all the hard work and hand jobs Ryan Reynolds has been giving have paid off when the Oscar nominations are announced. But today we find out whose lazy hand job of a performance was rewarded with a 2017 Razzie nomination
There was a nominations sweep at this year’s Razzies. Zoolander 2 got 9 nominations, followed closely behind by Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice with 8. Sorry, 1997’s Batman and Robin, it looks like you’re still the Batman movie with the most Razzie nominations. But don’t worry, there’s a chance that Batman movie written and directed by Ben Affleck could happen.
Jared Leto’s award dreams came true in the most Twilight Zone-y of ways. He’s not going to get the Oscar nomination he was no doubt sure he was going to get, but he did get a Worst Supporting Actor Razzie for Suicide Squad. And Julia Roberts’ performance as Lady Wearing a Bad Wig in Mother’s Day earned her a Worst Actress nomination. That wig didn’t get a Worst Supporting Actor nomination, because of course it didn’t; that wig worked its ass off and supported her like a load-bearing beam.
And Ben Affleck received his 10th Razzie nomination today. The big one-zero! He should go out and celebrate tonight for reaching a career milestone. Maybe his BFF Tom Brady will treat Ben to a steamed green bean and unseasoned fish dinner at his house.
The list of nominees is after the cut.
Some people would have you believe that Oscar Sunday is the most glamorous night in movie town, but those people are liars. Or misinformed. Or just plain dumb. Sure, the Kodak Theatre is filled to the gills with the likes of Angelina Jolie, Julia Roberts and fart enthusiast Jennifer Lawrence. Sure, all the attendees are dressed up in fancy gowns custom-made for them by blind nuns. And, yes, it is a celebration of the “best” in the industry – if you’re white. But the true icon of awards is none other than… THE RAZZIES!
Who Cares About Their Oscars? Julianne Moore And Eddie Redmayne Were Finally Nominated For A Real Award
Both Julianne Moore and Eddie Redmayne are probably putting their Oscar in a boot box and storing that who cares award under a guest bed, because they need to make room on their mantel for an award they can really be proud of: A Razzie!
As they do every year, the Razzies butt squirted out their nominations the day before the Oscar nominations, which will be announced at the hour of the ungodly tomorrow morning. Adam Sandler is continuing his reign as the King of the Razzies. His movie Pixels got the most Razzie nominations along with Jupiter Ascending, Fifty Shades of Shit and Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2. They each got 6 nominations. Julianne Moore and Eddie Redmayne both won their first Oscar last year and this year they’re both nominated for their first Razzie. Julianne got nominated for the Seventh Son and Eddie Redmayne was nominated for Jupiter Ascending. I’m sure Julianne and Eddie both got calls from their past acting teachers who said, “And now I can finally say that I’m really proud of you!”
But really, these Razzie nominations are completely invalid and I cannot take them seriously at all. How can you even respect the Razzie voters ability to dishonor the best in suck when they didn’t give one nomination to the cinematic crime of the century that was the Jem and the Holograms movie? Jem should be the only turd nominated and it should fill every single category, but it didn’t get one nomination. Something in the milk ain’t clean…
Maybe the Golden Raspberry people are in cahoots with the government and the Academy Awards people. Maybe Jem didn’t get a nomination, because it’s going to be nominated for a Best Picture Oscar tomorrow and only because the feds want the producers to show up to the ceremony so that they can arrest them on the spot and charge them with butchery. Yeah, I’m going with that.
All the nominations are after the cut.
On Kirk Cameron’s shelf of achievements, his Kids Choice Award and People’s Choice Awards are about to get some company. The 35th annual Golden Raspberry Awards were shat out last night and the majority voted Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas as the biggest dingle that clung to Hollywood’s dirty asshole hairs last year. Saving Christmas is not only known as the movie that makes Jesus cry and say to himself, “I blame myself for that shit show,” but it’s also now known as a multiple Razzie winner! As Leonardo DiCaprio dries his tears on a Victoria’s Secret model’s (or RiRi’s) vagina lips while stroking his imaginary Oscar statue tonight, Kirk Cameron will be polishing his brand new Razzies. At least someone in the Growing Pains cast is winning awards.
Saving Christmas won Worst Picture, Worst Actor, Worst Screenplay and Worst Screen Combo. Even though it won 4 awards, it didn’t even come close to snatching away Jack & Jill’s record of 10 wins. You’ll be Jack & Jill next time, Kirk. If anyone can find a way to be worse, it’s you. But still, Kirk should celebrate with a Subway sub!
He earned it!
After the cut are the rest of the winners. And after six nominations, Cameron Diaz was finally honored for her contribution to cinematic turds: