Baby shower drama isn’t exactly rare (anyone with “that aunt” knows this), but some kind of messiness expected to go down at Ray J’s baby shower. And I’m not talking about an accidental puddle that happened after an excited Ray J heard the word “shower.” I mean family drama between his sister Brandy and their mama Sonja Norwood, and his pregnant wife Princess Love. According to TMZ, things are so rough between Princess, Brandy, and Sonja, that Brandy and Sonja skipped the baby shower.
Here in Boston, the oldsters still harbor a kernel of resentment towards poor Bill Buckner. He’s the former Red Sox first baseman that let a ball go between his legs on October 25, 1986. That was during Game 6 of the World Series. Two days later, the New York Mets beat the Sox in Game 7, and Red Sox Nation began literally years of hanging Billy in burning effigy in its mind. Dude got death threats! Supposedly he’s been forgiven since then (we finally won the World Series in 2004 after waiting 86 years), but bring his name up and the lips of old people here in the Hub sometimes curl. Why am I talking about sportsball on Dlisted of all places? BECAUSE RAY J IS THE BILL BUCKNER OF OUR TIMES. That dude boned a lethargic Kim Kardashian in a sex tape,
her mother leaked it was leaked, and now we live on Planet Kartrashian. I can’t be the only one with a “Fuck You, Ray J” tat, right? Anyway, he married his Love & Hip-Hop: Hollywood co-star Princess Love last night. The couple, who have been shown to have had a rather contentious relationship in the past, wanted and reportedly got a “dream wedding” and “a royal, elegant and enchanting reception fit for a princess and prince” according to their wedding planners. So he didn’t push her into the chocolate fountain?
I honestly thought yesterday’s Yeezy Season 3 show would end with everyone emptying onto the floor of Madison Square Garden and pressing $100 bills into the hands of those sad-looking models while whispering “I don’t know what brought you here, but I’m sorry you had to do this. Take this – I hope this helps.” Instead, it ended with the beginning of another goddamned feud between Kanye West and Taylor Swift.
Shortly after Kanye played one of his new songs “Famous“, in which he said the words “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex. Why? I made that bitch famous.“, during his $2000 Pantyhose Ego Spectacular, Taylor’s brother Austin got it all started by angrily throwing out his Yeezy Boost sneakers on Instagram. Which was followed by members of Taylor’s friend army, like Gigi Hadid and Ruby Rose, chiming in on Twitter. Now Kanye has hopped on Twitter to let you all know that Taylor totally gave him the thumbs-up to call her a bitch and that they might hump. In fact, according to Kanye, it was all her idea.
It’s really too bad you can’t arrest someone for being just an asshole, but I guess you have to get specific with that shit, otherwise we’d all have called the cops on Ray J years ago. According to TMZ, Brandy’s useless younger brother and the reason Pimp Mama Kris cries tears of Botoxed happiness every morning got arrested Friday night for being an obnoxious asshole at a hotel in Beverly Hills. Ray J was being a loud loser at the hotel bar, so staff politely asked him and his date to leave. Instead of picking up his plastic Vons bag filled with DVDs (he tips people with sex tapes) and getting the fuck out, Ray J threw a hissy fit and refused to leave.
That’s when the hotel decided to call the cops and things got messy. Officers arrived to the hotel to question Ray J and his lady friend but since Ray J doesn’t know how to keep his mouth shut (a request the music industry has been making for years) he started getting into it with the police too, so they arrested his dumb ass.
Typically once a pair of hand cuffs hit a person’s wrists, it sends a message to the brain that says “Let’s chill out because shit just got real”, but not a dummy like Ray J. Ray J decided to spit on the arresting officer and kick out the window of the police car. He was taken to the Beverly Hills PD and booked for the following: trespassing, resisting arrest, battery (spitting on a cop), vandalism. What an asshole. I hope his bail was set at $47,000.
And because you can’t talk about this asshole without mentioning the asshole that keeps him relevant, here’s Kim Kardashian in Prague with her future ex-husband Kanye Kardashian looking like two sullen teens who were forced to help out with their mom’s catering company.
Because Ray J gave up his career as a rapper long ago in exchange for becoming a master-level troller (ie. one who makes millions of dollars by fucking a troll) TMZ says that in honor of Low Klass Kim’s upcoming pre-divorce to Kanye West, he’s decided to generously give an envelope full of piss-soaked porno cash to his former sex tape co-star (although I believe SAG-AFTRA would technically consider her performance more of a background role, since she’s about as active and present as a piece of furniture).
7 years ago, the drowsy hooker with the heart of jizz sold the sex she made with Ray J to Satan in exchange for fame, fortune, and an endless supply of silicone butt injections, and Satan has been steadily dumping cash into both of their bank accounts at Asshole Savings and Loan ever since. But just how much money will Pimp Mama Kris’s bottom bitch be rolling around on back in the honeymoon suite? According to TMZ, Ray J is giving Kim his portion of the sex tape profits from the first 4 months of 2014, which is:
– January $6,135.60
– February $20,097.31
– March $9,674.76
– April $10,931.52
– TOTAL: $46,840.13
That’s right, while you’re forced into a Sophie’s Choice between an animal-style double-double from In-N-Out or paying your cellphone bill (you can steal wifi from Target, go for the burger) Brandy’s useless brother is collecting thousands of dollars every month as a reward for fucking a plastic-faced fame whore. Life, you truly are an evil bitch. But the jokes on Ray J. He probably thinks his money will be returned to him after the wedding, since nobody with even a shred of dignity or an ounce of self-esteem would ever accept such an insulting gift. Well, you can say sayonara to that $47,000 Ray J, because you’re dealing with the Kardashians; they’d take a cheque from Hitler and the evil dog who took a chunk out of Jeremy.
And speaking of shameless dumpy prostitutes, here’s the most-requested hooker from Lucifer’s Choice Discount Escorts in Paris with her future third ex-husband Kanye West. Aww, it’s just like the film Ratatouille: a hairy rodent with an overstuffed butt from a family of rats trying to convince the people of Paris she’s not a trash-dwelling scavenger (no offense to Remy or actual rats, of course).
After watching Ray J’s trolltastic video for his musical love letter to Kanye West called “I Hit It First” and after looking at pictures from the Kartrashian’s big fat fame whore holiday in Greece, I don’t know who’s trashier and more desperate for attention?
Ray J makes a case for himself by making a video that is devoted to reminding all of us that his horse shoe dick made Kim Kartrashian the highest paid fame whore on the ho stroll. Ray J should’ve spent less of the video’s $500 budget on luxury car rentals and more on getting a better Kim klone, because that Kim look-alike is lacking. I mean, look at how the Kim klone moves around on that bed. The real Kim has never moved that much in her life. If the Kim klone really wanted to do an authentic Kim K impersonation, she should’ve laid lifeless on that bed like a garden slug that’s just been tasered. And really, nothing is more desperate than using a desperate Kartrashian for attention.
Then there’s the Kartrashian’s vacation in Greece. All of the Kartrashians (sans Kanye and Lamar) are currently terrorizing Mykonos while filming their shit show there. We should never forgive Mother Nature for this, because she had the chance to create a giant whirlpool to hell underneath the Kartrashians’ yacht and she didn’t do it.
All of these pictures are the definition of shameless from Kourtney Kartrashian thinking it’s okay to wear this outfit in public to Kim K acting like she knows how to operate a camera to Pimp Mama Kris openly dancing with the tortured creature she turned into a bumbling wax Chucky Doll.
And to answer my own question in the first paragraph, I don’t know. I’m not going to try to answer that one. Instead, I’ll stare at this picture and try to figure out who’s winning the battle to the biggest, Kim’s bump or ass?