Shock And Surprise: A Singer Not Named “Adele” Made People Cry

Ole’ frosty locks hasn’t been that emotional since the store nearest his house was all out of Sun-In.

The original American Idol Kelly Clarkson went back to the show that made her a STAH last night and showed the final 10 how it’s done. While going through phase 3 of the CASE OF THE BABIES, Kelly brought the raw emotions while singing “Piece By Piece,” a song about her dead beat daddy and her husband who restored her faith in men. The emotions overtook her and she had to stop for a second as everyone in the audience and watching at home thought to themselves, “Wait, this isn’t an Adele song, so am I legally allowed to cry?” Keith Urban got so weepy that I thought the ironed-out Calico Cat on top of his head was going to come alive and lick his sad tears dry. JLo would’ve cried, but she’s not about to jack up that make-up job when a camera’s on her face.

After Kelly took us on a journey to Kleenexville and back, the emotionless garden gnome Ryan Seacrest got on stage to talk to her and she told him that the song meaning mixed with the nostalgia of Idol brought the feelings out.

While watching that, I expected to see a puddle of liquid beneath her feet. No, not from her water breaking. But from her unborn baby crying out a million tears.

And on that note, here’s JLo working a sparkly crotch at the American Idol finalist party last night.

Pics: Wenn.com

“Brace The Charts, Because Here Comes My Latest Number OooooooOoooooone!”

I was stopped at a red light not too long ago and out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a dude in the car next to me SANGING so hard that I expected the roof of his motor vehicle to fly right the hell off. We both had our windows up, so I couldn’t hear the song he was singing, but after a few seconds it was clear to me by the way streams of pure emotion oozed out of his pores, that the spirit of Adele had taken over his body and he was yodeling out “Hello.” Bitch was feeling it like he was me and that song was an 8″ hard peen. I may drive around the streets today while hoping that fate brings the red light chanteuse and I back together, because my soul needs to experience his rendition of Adele’s newest song “When We Were Young.”

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Adele’s New Song Was Released A Minute Ago And I’m Sure It’s Already Made $50 Million And Won 6 Grammys

“I can’t heeeeeeeear you from all the dollar signs cha-chinging in my head!”

Just a few days after Adele stuck the sad Q-tip in by releasing a clip of her first song in three years “Hello,” the whole thing was unleashed onto the world today. I bet that break-ups and divorce rates jumped 3000% this morning, because before listening to her song, everybody called up their piece and said, “Okay, I’m going to dump you right now and I need you to start crying, because I’m about to listen to the new Adele song and I REALLY want to feel it.”

“Hello” gives us a serious PLOT TWIST. Instead of Adele getting her ass dumped and her heart slaughtered into a million pieces, she’s the one who does the heartbreaking and in the video, she breaks the heart of Dixon from the 90210 reboot. (“Hello, Random, it’s me, thank you for giving us the meaning of  YOU by putting Dixon in Adele’s new video.”) Adele keeps calling Dixon to apologize for being the asshole in the relationship, but he doesn’t pick up! I was going to screaming, “Text his ass, Adele, shit,” but I don’t think either of them have texting capabilities on those vintage ass flip phones. Anyway, the song and video is an emotional rollercoaster that starts at the tip of her immaculate eyeliner game and ends in that Muppet carcass coat of hers.

Later, she used that flip phone to call her contractor to say, “Hello, it’s me, we’re going to need to build a bigger trophy room to house all the Grammys coming my way.”

And because the Internet usually doesn’t disappoint, here’s the mash-up we all wanted and needed in our lives today:

Hello, Internet, it’s me, bless you for that.

And here’s Adele outside of BBC studios in London today:

Pics: Wenn.com

And Now Here’s A Pre-Saint Angelina Jolie Delivering Raw Emotion In Acting Class

Don’t be fooled. All of the gods above gave Angelina Jolie the natural gift of flawless acting skills and she never needed to take classes like a regular peon does. But even back in the old days she had the heart of a saint and only went to acting class to inspire those less talented with her perfect delivery and to show them what perfect ACTING is!

The Daily Mail (via Vulture) posted this vintage clip of Dame St. Angie Jolie leaving blood, sweat, tears, emotion, drama, guts, spit and more on the floor as she sharpens her already razor sharp craft in acting class. The Daily Mail claims the clip is from 2000 when St. Angie was 25 years old. I am not one to question The Daily Mail’s research skills, but if St. Angie was 25 here, that means it was around the time she won the Oscar for Girl, Interrupted. Err, I don’t know, this looks like pre-Hackers to me. But maybe she was playing a teenager in these scenes and she’s so good that she’s able to transform her face into a teenager’s face with facial expressions and acting. That has to be it.

I’m lazy or else I’d make a young St. Angie saying, “I feel like I have no voice!”, my new voicemail greeting.

Michael Sam Pours Out The Emotion While Accepting The Arthur Ashe Courage Award At The ESPYs

Believe it or not, the ESPYs weren’t The Drake Show and the entire night wasn’t completely filled with Drake doing skits, Drake yanking at Macklewhore’s as every single person in the audience looked at him with a look that said, “You totally wish a tongue was up your butt right now, right?” They actually gave out awards. Sadly, they didn’t give an award to Jordan Ayew’s dick for Best Performance By A Bulge At World Cup and they didn’t give a lifetime achievement award to Kim Kardashian’s snatch for all the contributions its made to the sports world. But they did give a special award of courage to openly gay NFL player Michael Sam of the St. Louis Rams. As his boyfriend Vito Cammisano got teary in the eyes, Michael Sam poured out an emotional speech and it might’ve been the only time in the show when people in the audience and watching at home weren’t thinking to themselves, “I bet Drake is backstage getting his ass eaten.” Michael Sam’s speech is above, but here’s a piece of the transcript courtesy of Towleroad:

“Finally, Arthur Ashe said, ‘Do what you can.’ Those have been very meaningful words to me. The way I see it, my responsibility at this moment in history is to stand up for everybody out there who wants nothing more than to be themselves openly. Recently, a friend asked me to talk to his sister, a young woman who was considering killing herself rather than accepting and sharing with her loved ones the fact that she’s gay. When we spoke, she told me she would never consider hurting herself and that somehow my example helped her. It’s amazing to think that, by just doing what we can, we can all touch, change and even save lives.

I want to take a moment to just thank some of my friends who have helped me. (Agents) Cameron Weiss and Joe Barkett, young guys who took a chance on me, just like I took a chance on them. And (public relations consultant) Ken Sunshine. Ronnie and Candy Purl, who have done so much to help me get here. My entire Mizzou family for all the support you’ve given me. You will always be home. And to the Rams organiztion — (owner) Stan Kroenke, (general manager) Les Snead, (head coach Jeff) Fisher and my teammates. To my mother (JoAnn Sam), a single mother who somehow raised eight kids, I love you dearly.

Last but not least, (boyfriend and former Missouri swimmer) Vito (Cammisano). People tell me that I’m their inspiration. You are my inspiration.

Standing here tonight looking out at all these legends who have already achieved so much is one of the thrills of my life. I promise to spend the rest of my life trying my best to live up to this honor and become the best football player I can.”

Touching and emotional and yes at one point I wanted to scream, “Stop with the cryyyyyyying, Michael Sam! You’re like my drunk cousin at a family party.” (Booze is my cousin’s cry fuel. She once cried for real because the quesadillas were so good. They were made with Velveeta so I couldn’t judge her too much.) But I didn’t scream that, because I remembered that I can never EVER ever EVER call a ho out for crying. Because a shameful, embarrassing moment of weakness came to me. I remembered the time that I got weepy in a dark theater while watching The Fault In Our Stars with tweens all around me. My emotions did me wrong. But in my defense, I think I was mostly weeping because I realized I was watching a Shailene Woodley movie while surrounded by tweens.

Here’s some pics from the ESPYs of people with hot bodies covering their hot bodies with boring ass clothes.

Pics: Wenn.com