In case you’re following the revolving door that is The View, ABC announced today that Joy Behar will make her triumphant return and joining her next season will be Candace Cameron Bure and Paula Faris of Good Morning America Weekend. Starting in September, those three will sit next to Whoopi Goldberg, Raven Symone and Michelle Collins. I also heard that ABC is going to replace the table with a cage, so that none of them can escape as they eat each other alive.
Last month, there were rumors that DJ Tanner and Paula Faris were in talks to join The View full-time. Producers wanted Paula, because she’s a news person and they wanted DJ Tanner, because their mouths salivated over all the attention they got for a clip of her and Raven fighting about a lesbian wedding cake. There was also a rumor that producers were trying to get Joy. Joy admitted that she was in talks, but said that a deal fell through, because producers refused to give her more power and a bigger role. Either Joy was lying or the producers eventually gave her what she wanted.
As expected, the producers have also put together a group of subs who will fill in whenever a regular is out. That group includes Sherri Shepherd, Stacy London, Molly Sims, political commentator Ana Navarro and Padma Lakshmi.
To those of us who still watch this wreck, are we taking bets on who will be out first? I’m going to go with Joy and Raven. Their heads will pop off as soon as DJ Tanner opens her mouth while discussing Christian persecution.
And there comes a time in every American woman’s life when she becomes a co-host on The View. I’m going to call my mom now and congratulate her about being named a co-host on The View and when she says, “But I’m not,” I’ll say, “But you will be….soon.“
Kelly Osbourne Wants Donald Trump To Ask Himself: “If We Kick Out All The Latinos, Who Is Going To Clean My Toilet?”
Giuliana Rancic doesn’t have to worry about doing an hour on the treadmill today, because she probably burned hundreds of calories from cackling over Twitter calling Kelly Osbourne a privileged racist today.
I guess whoever wrote Giuliana’s joke about dreads is now writing Kelly Osbourne’s note cards. Kelly was a guest c0-host on The View today and once again the topic of Donald Trump’s shitty comments about Mexican immigrants came up. Kelly started by saying that Donald’s comments were racist and then she dribbled out a stream of messiness that made everyone hit the brakes and say, “Wha?!”
Here’s just a few of the nuggets of ~wizdum~ that have fallen out of Raven-Symoné’s mouth on and off The View:
On how she’s from almost every continent in Africa and almost every continent in Europe: “I never said I wasn’t black, I said I wasn’t African American — to me that’s a difference. Thank you to Ancestry.com for sending me my DNA test … I am from every continent in Africa except for one and I’m also from every continent in Europe except for one.”
On how stay-at-home mothers should get a paycheck (from whom, I don’t know) for raising their own kids: “Mothers need to get paid for being at home taking care of the next generation.”
On that Univision dude getting fired for comparing Michelle Obama to an ape: “Michelle, don’t fire me from this right now, but some people look like animals. I look like a bird. So can I be mad if somebody calls me Toucan Sam?”
Well, the five of us (I’m being generous) who still watch The View every single day can scream out an ALL-CAPS, bolded YES, because we’re about to get a gallon tub of eye rolling fuel every single weekday. The View is going to get messier. ABC announced today that Raven will take a permanent seat at the half-circle table of mess. Raven is on the show nearly every day as a guest co-host and Whoopi Goldberg said not too long ago that they’re trying to make her a regular. Their wish was granted, because Raven has taken up the spot that Rosie O’Donnell left. She said this on the show today:
“The Disney Company has made another one of my dreams come true! Being a part of ‘The View’ family will be a wonderful growing experience for me. The cast and crew are warm and welcoming and has made the transition into daytime talk easier. I have a lot to learn within this new arena, but being the apprentice of these spectacular women will only make me a better person and talk show host,” she continued. “I want to thank ABC, ABC News and The Disney Company for believing in me and my potential! Let’s have some fun!”
The Wrap says that before the show goes away for summer break, ABC will announce the name of the fifth co-host who will mouth shit next to Whoopi, Rosie Perez, Raven and pile of dry oatmeal Nicolle Wallace. Some say that comedian and blogger Michelle Collins (Never 4 Get BestWeekEver.tv) will get the final spot.
Whoopi released her own statement* today about Raven joining the group of pecking hens: “I am more than happy that there will be another person at the table who says shit that is almost more ridiculous than the shit I say.”
* No, she didn’t.
Here’s Raven looking like a dark goth priestess in the Rainbow Brite universe at the GLSEN Respect Awards in NYC on June 1st.
That interview with Oprah where child star turned trained Segway pilot Raven-Symoné yanks out Lindsay Lohan’s weave aired last night and not only did she yank out Lindsay Lohan’s weave, but she also yanked out all of the “labels” that have been put on her.
When DOMA was overturned last year, Raven tweeted “I can finally get married! Yay government!” and most of us took that to mean she was publicly coming out as a proud 100% gayelle, but on Oprah: Where Are They Now (via Gawker) last night, she told The Mighty O that if she had a label stitched to the top of her back it would not say 100% Lesbian and 100% African-American. Raven, whose girlfriend is AzMarie from America’s Next Top Model, refuses to label herself as gay or an African-American. Raven is an American human, thankyouverymuch!
I figured I had to add “LiLo“, since there are so many subtle shades in her hair that you might not have known what I was talking about. I see your subtle shade, Raven-Symoné – all of it! The subtle purple, the subtle turquoise, the subtle snot green. I see it all!
During a clip from an upcoming Oprah’s Where Are They Now (via Jezebel), Raven-Symoné – who sort of looks like if my sister’s favorite My Pretty Mermaids doll grew up and became a highi-powered attorney (aka hot) – proved that she IS the Olivia Boss Chick meme by taking a very subtle That’s So Cunty swipe at a certain attention-seeking former child star life mess while explaining to Oprah how she avoided becoming one. Raven-Symoné doesn’t name names, which would normally set me right off, because Rule No.1 of shade-throwing is that a true No-Fucks-Given Queen calls a bitch out by name. But Raven doesn’t have to come right out and say who it is, firstly because she’s Raven-Symoné and bitch writes the rules, but secondly because we all know the former child star fuck-up she’s hissing so much realness at is none other than her old roommate and friend Lindsay Lohan.
“That’s your fault boo boo. Stay in the house.” – I guess she doesn’t know that LiLo is strictly outcalls-only.
Damn, is “Raven-Symoné” French for giant cloud? Cause that bitch provided enough shade to slow global warming. And I’d say the Apricot Ashtray just got read to filth, but she’s already pretty filthy to begin with, so it doesn’t really make sense.
And speaking of staying in your house, boo boo…here’s Raven’s skanky old roommate slithering around London after a performance of Plow-The-Coke last night while wearing a fur coat she probably “found” during intermission and trying to hide her face from the people trying to take a picture of her outside a popular club. That’s your fault, booze booze!
Raven Symone said last year that who she’s bumping genitals with is her business and everyone just needs to pull their noses out of her snatch. But then today, Raven and her growth-stunted brows jumped onto a rainbow-colored Segway and busted down the closet door with this tweet. Unless the government legalized human and Segway marriage, I think she’s talking about marriage being open to everybody in Minnesota and Rhode Island today. YAAASS! Olivia is all the way grown up and has waving her Team Gayelle card proudly. Let’s all dance to that:
And for those of you whores who are saying that Raven has been out this whole time, then keep dancing and take that tweet to mean that she’s come out as Rhode Islander or Minnesotan.