Please, link hands and join me in prayer:
Dear God of Airbrushing, in the name of Mimi thy most anointed disciple, I beseech thee oh Lord to deliver young Rami Malek, a fine, strong actor, a talented performer whose only crime was to forsake all good judgment to embrace the bio pic that wasn’t, Lord, he was led astray by Queen and taken into the darkness of a movie about Freddie Mercury that lo is not actually about Freddie but is on some other shit, oh Father forgive those who hath airbrushed and photoshopped young Rami to within an inch of his life, creating a shiny CGI looking false profit of the most revered and great Freddie in the name of the Father and The Holy Spirit I pray for his deliverance. Amen.
Okay, here he is.
The Queen Biopic Bohemian Rhapsody we’ve been hearing about since 2010 is finally happening. The band Queen announced that the film will finally go into production and will star Mr. Robot’s Rami Malek as Freddie Mercury. Probable sleazeball Bryan Singer (various X-Mensises, The Usual Suspects) will direct.
Answer: Diddy gives a fuck, like a lot of fucks.
red beige and blue carpet posing portion of last night’s Met Gala, Diddy worked the cameras with his on-and-off-and-on-and-off-and-on-again piece Cassie, and at one point he lounged on the steps like a man casually lounging on a display at Forever 21 while his girlfriend gets in a long line to try on a pair of jeans. That little smooth move brought out a dozen “Diddy Don’t Give A Fuck” headlines. Au contraire, bitch. Diddy does give a fuck and that shameless spotlight-shifting whore knew what he was doing.
Cassie stood there in a field of humongous ass sea urchins, working for those camera clicks, as Diddly easily got the cameras to move his way by casually strolling to the stairs for a little lounging time. Cassie’s dress is covered with giant plastic caterpillars (or are those giant Groucho Marx brows?) and Diddy gets all the attention by simply lounging like an evil vampire lounging on a velvet settee while eyeing his prey from across the room. Diddy wants us to think he’s saying, “Oh, this moment is all about her,” but we all know he’s saying, “Oh, this moment is all about moi.”
With that being said, I’d probably do the same thing, because standing is hard. And also, that dramatic lying down pose really does show off Diddy’s “Steven Seagal spending a casual afternoon at home” outfit.
And now we end our never-ending Mess Gala 2017 coverage with several dollops of hotness provided by the dudes of the night including ASkars, Riz Ahmed, Rami Malek and Luke Evans.
Pics: Wenn.com, Getty
Because why decide on just one when you can help yourself to both? Kate Hudson wanted it all: underboob, underwear, sequined black censor bars, a giant flower putting another flower in a choke-hold, fancy little capes for her shoulders. Kate pulled up to fashion’s drive-thru speaker and ordered everything on the menu.
Razzie nominee Kate Hudson was at the SAG Awards last night as a presenter, which might be why she went red carpet casual by wearing a Dior dress with boxers underneath. If she tries to conceal her underwear by pulling her dress up higher, she’s gonna flash a whole lot of nipple. If she tries to cover up her underboob by pulling her top down a little, she’s going to show tons of underwear. Ha, listen to me – acting like Goldie’s thirsty daughter would ever be concerned with covering up an underboob situation.
Hints of glittery titty was a bit of a theme last night.
Natalie Portman is currently knocked up with her second kid, so I can see why she’d want to show up to the Critics’ Choice Awards last night wearing your auntie’s two best tablecloths as a dress. When you’re shuffling down a red carpet for two, your number one priority is comfort. Your legs are tired, your arms are tired, your stomach looks like the overstuffed backpack of an airplane passenger that refuses to check a bag. Sometimes you just want to wear a cape-thing and call it a night.
Natalie took home the Critics’ Choice Award for Best Actress for her Jackie. I like to think Natalie kept with the throwback theme and her ensemble was an homage to 1960s maternity wear. Based on years of research (Joan and Betty’s pregnancies on Mad Men), I believe if you got knocked up in the 1960s you were legally required to dress like a deflated shower gel pouf.
It wasn’t all floaty-fabric capes. There were also floaty-fabric robes too.
The bug-eyed-and-sexy Emmy winner Rami Malek (aka “Mr. Robot”) is set to play Queen’s flamingly wonderful lead singer, Freddie Mercury, in the long-awaited biopic called Bohemian Rhapsody.
Variety reports that everyone’s favorite delusional television “hacktivist” (apologies for using that ridiculous word, but my grammar checker inferred that I was boring when I tried to use “hacker“) will be helmed by (the alleged sketchball) X-Men franchise director Bryan Singer. Queen members Brian May and Roger Taylor will serve as music producers on the film (and hopefully get back in these outfits for inspiration).