And Three Seconds Later, Brit Brit Spears Devoured Her Whole

As soon as the International Cheetos Leagues comes out with a petition urging Katy Perry to apologize for appropriating their culture, I will co-sign that shit with all my emails.

Because celeb whores have enough cash to spend on several costumes, they started Halloween off a little early last night with Kate Hudson’s annual costume party in the Pacific Palisades. Everyone on IMDB went to that shit including the other Katy Hudson known to all of us as Katy Perry. Slutoween is amateur hour for Katy Perry, because most days of the year she’s got her magnificent chichis out and is done up in rhinestone-embedded fuckery. So for Halloween, she covered herself up and dressed up as a deliciously processed treat that you can only stomach for so long. The beauty of a Flamin’ Hot Cheetos costume is that it can be worn several times and can be passed off as something different each time.

If you want to go vintage, you can tell everyone that you’re dressed up as Chyna’s throbbing dick clit. If you want to bring the sex, you can tell everyone you’re dressed up as Carrot Top’s slightly curved, hard peen. If you want to be topical and controversial, you can tell everyone you’re dressed up as one of the flaming turds that fall out of Not The Mama June’s deep fried pie hole. If you want to be medical, tell everyone you’re dressed up as an anal fissure and if they ask, “What’s an anal fissure,” just say, “Okay, I’m Justin Bieber.” That costume can be almost anything. So well played, Katy.

There are risks, though. If you wear a Flamin’ Hot Cheetos costume out in public, there’s a really good chance that you’ll hear the sound of loud stomping and right after you hear someone scream, “GETS IN MAH BELLY, MISTUH CHEETOZ“, you’ll black out. You’ll wake up minutes later in Brit Brit’s gut. But don’t worry, she’ll eventually shit you out and after you sign a non disclosure, Daddy Spears will send you on your way with a pile of money and a take home bowl full of Velveeta grits.

Here’s more pictures of famous (and not-so-famous) people at Kate Hudson’s party including Kate, Goldie Hawn and their friends as Sluts of Anarchy, Rachel “Chupa” Zoe as a trash bag demon and Lily Allen as Dr. Luke (because she would).

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com, Instagram

A Check Is A Check: Chris Kattan Dressed Up As His SNL Character “Mango” For The CFDAs

If you had told me back in February that getting arrested for slowly weaving his car around the 101 Freeway while high out of his mind on pills wasn’t going to be the most embarrassing thing Chris Kattan was going to do in 2014, I’d have never believed you. But cut to last night, when Christ Kattan shamefully pulled his hot pants and tiny sequinned beret from the back of his closet to attend the CFDA Awards dressed as his seductive stripper character from Saturday Night Live, Mango. No word on whether or not they played “Missing” when he arrived.

But Mango wasn’t there because they were just letting any old SNL character in (if that were the case, the CFDA’s would have been shut down by the health department for illegal levels of glamour after Sally O’Malley kick-stretch-kicked her way up the red carpet). He was invited to the CFDA’s because he’s the star of designer Alexander Wang latest fashion film.

This will be the second time he’s brought back a sketch comedy character; last year he made a short film starring MADtv’s Bon Qui Qui, which wasn’t the worst, so we’ll see what he does with Mango. But of all the SNL, Alexander Wang went with Mango? Really? Was Debbie Downer busy or something?

Here’s more of Chris Kattan clickety-clacking for that Alexander Wang paycheck dressed as Mango last night with his date (who I hope also doubled as his designated driver), as well as the rest of the hot-to-lukewarm fancy hoes in attendance. Beginning at the fuego end of the spectrum of hotness, we have Betsey Johnson, who was muy caliente with her insane American Horror Story witchy memaw look and her glued-on polyester hair. Next was Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, who brought fierce evil twin religious cult realness (which one’s evil? Why not both!). Then things start to cool off. Blake Lively came dressed as Barbie’s no-personality cousin who works in Vegas as a showgirl in an Ambien-sponsored revue. And Lupita Nyong’o, who usually brings the heat, looked like she came straight from the set of Star Wars 7.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Rachel Zoe Named Her Kid Kaius Jagger

Here’s Rachel “Chupacabra” Zoe and her husband Rodger Berman looking like two 1960s hippies who stole a child out of a suburban house and drove to Northern California to raise it with their cult. That baby is either weirded out by just being born or he doesn’t know where to look since to the right is Rodger’s Partridge Family hair part and to the left is Chupa!

On Sunday, Chupa’s weight dropped back down to 5 pounds and 3 ounces when she birthed out a 7 pound boy. Thank GOD Chupa didn’t give her hair person and her mortician the holiday off, because they were there to paint her face and get her chupacabra beautiful for this picture with Rodger and her new son. Chupa tweeted this little note with the picture:

Meet the newest member of our family, Kaius Jagger

They plan on calling him Kai. I Googled to see if Kaius means anything and apparently it means: “Rachel Zoe made that shit up.” This is why you should never watch Pacific Rim while you’re knocked up and looking for baby names. You might end up naming your kid Kaius Jagger. Chupa and Roger’s oldest son is named Skyler and they call him Sky. Sky and Kai! That sounds like the name of twin Asian DJs who are the second most popular DJs in Ibiza during off-season. Sky and Kai also sounds like the name of the best friends of the protagonist in a Young Adult sci-fi novel that takes place in a world made entirely of water.

Since Chupa calls Sky “Sky Sky” all the time, I’m sure she’ll call Kai “Kai Kai.” And if you’re fluent in draganese, you know “kai kai” means “two drag queens bumping taints.” I take back all the bitter, bitchy things I said about the name Kaius Jagger. Kai Kai is a brilliant baby name!

Rachel Zoe Popped Out Another Boy

Rachel Zoe and her husband, Rodger Berman, announced the arrival of their second baby on Twitter (via USWeekly) last night. They are already parents to two-year old Skyler.

“So excited to welcome our baby boy into the world…he’s 7 lbs 12 oz, beautiful, healthy and we couldn’t be happier,” she shared with fans.

Maybe I’m still riding the high of meeting my two-week old nephew for the first time last night, but my first reaction to reading that Rachel gave birth to her second child was “Awwww!” And then I remembered this is Rachel Zoe, did a quick Google image search to see if the kid has a chance of getting some good genes from his father so he won’t grow up to look like a scavenged chicken wing and found this picture. Here’s to hoping that baby likes guy liner and the hairstyle I realized too late back in 2001 screams “moderately successful small market real estate agent”.

Rachel’s scrawny ass has to be chapped to high hell that she doesn’t have a girl to play dress up with. She and Rodger had better get to fuckin’ before her ovaries shrivel up into golden raisins to match her forehead if she’s going to have an opportunity to raise a daughter who will spend her formative years at fashion shows trailing after a starving praying mantis and having playdates with the salesgirls at Chanel.

(Pic: Wenn.com)

Chupa Zoe Is Knocked Up Again!

Rachel “Chupacabara” Zoe is eating for one again, because her Zac-Hanson-as-a-middle-aged-serial-killer-looking ass husband somehow convinced her to have another child even though she really didn’t want to since weighing more than a baby ant’s fart is gross. UsWeekly says that 41-year-old Chupa and her husband Roger Berman are giving their 2-year-old son Skyler a brother or a sister. (Side note: If your’re screaming “41?!!!!”, please know that’s just your jealousy talking, because you wish the entire chupacabra chaser community was running all around Texas and New Mexico to find you.)

The truth is, Chupa is probably happier than the time she found out she got cast in a starring role opposite Erik Estrada, because she has another living doll she can dress up! UsWeekly brought out this quote that came out of Chupa’s mouth a few months ago when talking about her son Sky Sky (whenever she says “Sky Sky” I want to die die):

“Oh my God, my husband laughs at me because I spend more time in his closet in the morning than I do in my own. And, you know, it’s incredibly fun. It’s like having a live doll. And he loves it,” Zoe said of her son. Right now, he loves getting dressed. At some point, I’m sure in a year, he’s gonna hate everything I show him and just wanna wear, like, soccer uniforms or something.”

Congratulations to Sky Sky, because soon Chupa will be too busy throwing overpriced baby clothes on a new living doll and she won’t be able to dress him up like a cross between a bathing beauty from the 1920s and an old timey grandpa who’s been on bed rest for years (think Grandpa Joe in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory).

Here’s Chupa, Roger and Sky Sky in L.A. a couple of months ago.

Pics: Splash

Philip Seymour Hoffman Spent 10 Days In Detox For Heroin Abuse

Philip Seymour Hoffman, who captured a piece of my heart when he bared his beautiful gut in an XS tank top in Boogie Nights, spent 10 days in detox recently to deal with a little drug problem. Philip has been sober for the past 23 years, but he tells TMZ that last year he started downing prescription pills and that led him to heroin. (Side note: Every time I read the word “heroin” I think of my mom saying it. Heroin is like the most shocking thing to her, so she says it like: ‘HEROIN!!!!!!!!!’ I can hear the all-caps and string of exclamation points in her voice. The lights flicker and organ music swells in the background. It’s a dramatic performance.)

PSH tells TMZ that a year ago, he started taking way too many prescription pills and recently he switched to snorting heroin. After about a week of filling his nostrils with heroin, he realized that he needed to get it together, girl. He checked into a detox facility on the East Coast and spend ten days there. PSH says he’s clean now and he’s already working on a movie in Europe.

RuPaul’s Drag Race is seriously wedged deep in the crevices of my brain, because when I read about PSH spending 10 days in Detox, I picture him spending 10 days IN Detox if you know what I mean.

Heroin is some serious shit, so it’s a good thing he handled it before he went full Keef Richards. My guess is that the final straw was when PSH snorted a fat line of heroin off of Joaquin Phoenix’s hairy ass and while he was picking the greasy ass hairs and dingle bits out of his nostrils, he thought to himself, “This ain’t the life.” At least that’s how I picture PSH’s rock bottom moment.