Just over a week ago, Rachel Weisz and Daniel Craig
totally fucked up tied the knot out of the blue in a private ceremony. From what The New York Post reports, while the rest of the world was going “WHAAA? They had totally different SO’s a few months ago!” her neighbors in the Catskills said they knew that shit was coming. Check out this quote from “a source” (damn, that bitch gets AROUND):
“I saw them in the local grocery store, Emmanuel’s Market Place. They looked like the world’s hottest couple…They were casually dressed, then Daniel suddenly pulled Rachel to him in the middle of produce and gave her a passionate kiss, right next to the bananas. They looked more in love and sexier than Brad and Angelina.”
HAHAHA IN YO FACE, BRAD AND ANGIE!!! SOURCE totally owned your ass! Actually, no, that’s not really saying much since current Brangie is only sexy if you get turned on looking at a plate of boiled bratwurst with a botoxed chopstick and some wax lips on it. I think the funniest and sessiest part of this quote is the detail that they did it by the bananas! SUGGESTIVE. Move over cucumbers, there is a new king of phallic produce!
There were also reports of them PDAing all over each other at the local gym. Before you say “Pinche putas!! A minute ago, he was engaged and she was shacked up for the last 8 years with her baby daddy!” (like you really knew that shit since you get all your news on Dlisted), they dated briefly 20 years ago and recently fell back in love with each other’s privates while working together on “Dream House” last year. So technically, they have the longest relationship in the history of Hollywood. HOT.
This time last year, Rachel Weisz was married to the dude that made Jennifer Connelly do ass-to-ass in a movie, and Daniel Craig was with his girlfriend of five years and now they’re married to each other. What a difference a year and good ass makes. Rachel’s rep tells People that she married James Bond IN SECRET this past Wednesday in NYC. The only people at the wedding were Daniel’s 18-year-old daughter Ella, Rachel’s 4-year-old son Henry and two friends. If you were thinking that it’s been a couple of seconds since Rachel started shaking her coochtini on James Bond’s crotch, you’re sort of right. They started getting on each other last fall.
There’s really zero details about this wedding. We only know that they’re married and that shit was small. The worst part about this secret wedding is that there aren’t any pictures. And by pictures I mean one of a completely nekkid ass nekkid Daniel Craig with a top hat on his peen standing next to another nekkid ass nekkid Daniel Craig with a veil on his peen. Yes, I’d like Daniel Craig to completely reenact his secret wedding to Rachel with his peen. Rachel gets the day off. Daniel owes this to us!
When Rachel Weisz and Darren Aronofsky announced that their relationship was unwinding like Natalie Portman’s sanity in Black Swan (aka Showgirls In Tights), there was a rumor that she had already soothed her sadness by gently rocking on Daniel Craig’s crotch. Most therapists will tell you that the cure for the common sad is Daniel Craig cock, so you Rachel did the right thing. At the time, Rachel and Craig both denied that shit, but apparently they were telling LIES. The News of the World (via UsWeekly) published a few pictures of Daniel and Rachel holding hands over the weekend in Somerset, England. And if you shut the lights and waved a black light wand over their hands, I’m sure you’d see splatters of their sex juices. DOING. IT.
The Daily Mail says that Daniel and Rachel stayed at some fancy country inn and were seen holding hands and laughing as they strolled to a nearby pub for a little after sex cordial. One witness-type said, “Daniel and Rachel looked like a romantic couple in a film. They were laughing and hanging on to each other’s words and stopping to take photos of each other. They were clinging to each other like honeymooners. The chemistry was obvious.”
Daniel and Satsuki Mitchell, who were promised to be married for a long ass time, reportedly ended their love earlier this year.
Daniel (who might just have a case of wandering peen) just got out of a long term thing and Rachel just got out of a long term thing, so this is probably just a first stop fuck before they fully emerge into singlehood (I think). And nothing gets your mind off of a BROKEN HEART like a good old-fashioned rebound fuck. It’s sort of like eating your feelings. Except Rachel is eating her feelings off of Daniel’s peen.
This picture of Rachel Weisz and Darren Aronofsky was taken at the Toronto Film Festival premiere of Black Swan in September, but apparently they retired their genitals from each other long before this shit was taken. A rep for Rachel and Darren tells TMZ that they officially quit each other after 9 years together. They split up a few months ago.
The rep says that Rachel and Darren, the man responsible for bringing us Jennifer Connelly’s ass-to-ass scene in Requiem For A Dream, have changed the status of their relationship from full-time fuck partners to friends and will continue to raise their 4-year-old son together in NYC. Rachel and Darren never got married so fortunately for them they don’t have to whip out their Sharpies to check the “irreconcilable differences” box on divorce papers.
I haven’t heard any whispers around the quad as to why Darren and Rachel broke up, but TMZ has it on good authority that she has been bumping nipples with this bitch for months:
DANIEL CRAIG, you homewrecking slut whore royale! Who knew Daniel Craig had a certificate from Sienna Miller’s Community College of Bulldoze Fucking hanging on his wall? Daniel has been with that Satsuki Mitchell chick for years, but I guess he handed her an empty cardboard box and relieved her of her duties.
Now, I haven’t seen Darren dick situation (click here for Daniel’s), but I can still say with full confidence that this definitely lands under the UP-FUCKING-GRADE category. However, that ass-to-ass scene still makes cameos in my nightmares from time to time so Darren has that going for him. I’ll spread my cheeks and sit on the fence on this until the dick situation part gets cleared up.