Cleaning crews at The Beverly Hilton are probably still vacuuming up the shards of glitter that flew off of Billy Porter when he twirled in that amazing technicolor dreamcape, and are mopping up the Fiji water that people spewed out after realizing they were in the presence of the one and only Fiji Water Girl, and are disinfecting the floor after hundreds of people shit themselves as Baroness Jamie Lee Haden-Guest (seriously, she’s a baroness) sashayed onto the red carpet and they thought, “Damn, Brigitte Nielsen is looking hot after birthing out a baby!” People probably shit out everything in their system and are going to need some probiotics to get their guts good again. I see what you did there Queen of Activia!
If you woke up this morning moaning, biting your pillow and holding onto your dream about being the vessel for Idris Elba‘s future children, your psychic antennas were probably tuned to the fact that the “other” James Bond, Daniel Craig, and his wife Rachel Weisz have just announced that she has given birth to a baby girl.
The New York Times recently did an interview in the Manhattan home of Rachel Weisz and Daniel Craig, and at the beginning of the interview they got a big surprise when she lifted up her shirt to show that the glow in her face was due to a Bond Jr. in her uterus.
[She] pulls up the loose gray sweater she’s wearing to reveal her secret. “I’ll be showing soon,” she says, with a radiant smile. “Daniel and I are so happy. We’re going to have a little human. We can’t wait to meet him or her. It’s all such a mystery.”
Rachel doesn’t say how far along she is, just that she’ll be showing soon. That picture of her and Daniel was taken earlier this month. Rachel is 48, Daniel is 50.I’ve known stress, but I’ve never been an almost-fifty mom/over-fifty dad to a paint-whipping, Wiggles screaming toddler before.
This will be Rachel and Daniel’s first kid (they’ve been together for almost eight years and married for almost seven). Rachel has an 11-year-old son named Henry with Darren Aronofsky. Daniel has a 25-year-old daughter named Ella with Fiona Loudon. That kind of sucks for that baby. Which one of its siblings will sneakily buy it booze when it turns 16? Henry will be almost 30 by then, and probably out of the house. Whereas it can definitely count older sister Ella out. She’ll be 41 by then, and that’s prime “Alcohol?!? I’m going to call your parents” age.
Mrs. James Bond (aka Daniel Craig’s wife, Rachel Weisz) took time to climb down from the high, surgery-free horse she rides on around England with Kate Winslet and Emma Thompson to express “optimism” in the quick advancement of women in Hollywood thanks to #metoo. But before you click on that Lilith Fair playlist, maybe take a step back because Rachel says she doesn’t think the role should go to a lady once her husband is done with it. Continue reading
The fame whoring leg move died the day after St. Angie Jo did it at the Oscars and then it woke up and quickly died again when JLo did it, and now it’s definitely covered with grave dirt, because Michelle Williams has ended the trend by bringing us a new trend. At the Hollywood premiere of Oz: The Great and Powerful (which sadly isn’t about Dr. Oz’s eternal search for the perfect banana-shaped shit) last night, Michelle Williams wore a dress that was business in the front and party on the side.
Michelle wore some Prada window panel covered with mirrored flowers and when she turned to the side, she gave hos a peak of her memaw chonies. This works for me, because she can squat a piss out almost anywhere with ease and because you should always look like you’re ready for a pool party. I had this friend in high school who wore a bikini under every damn outfit during the summer, because she always wanted to be ready to tan at a moment’s notice. Or maybe she was an underage on-call stripper and needed to wear her uniform underneath her clothes at all times. That’s possible.
So the side thigh is officially in. Everybody grab your skirts, dresses, pants, culottes, whatever and slit the side of that shit so your side thigh is always showing. I want to see all the side thighs.
Obviously, Mila Kunis, Rachel Weisz and James Franco didn’t get the memo, because they kept their side thighs to themselves last night. But James Franco did float into the premiere on a balloon that was filled with more hot air than him. That’s an accomplishment!
The next three Star Wars movies will be shot in somebody’s garage and all the costumes will be made of cardboard and empty Mountain Dew cans, because Disney put all their money and more into the Wizard of Oz prequel, Oz: The Great and Powerful. Disney released the first full trailer for it this morning.
My abuelita had this moving waterfall painting in her bedroom that came alive when you plugged it in. The entire painting lit up, the waterfall moved, birds chirped and the rainbow over the water glowed. It was more real-looking and awe-inspiring than anything in the Oz: The Great and Powerful trailer. I know it’s not supposed to look like real life, but damn. If they were going to use this much CGI, they should’ve used some CGI magic to make James Franco look anything but smug. I know, I’m just saying that because I’m jealous of the fact that Franco is an award-winning blogger.
Oz: The Great and Powerful is basically just a damage control piece, because they want us to believe that before the Wizard was a cranky, old, assholian bitch, he was a good man who wanted to do great things. Please, the Wizard of Oz was born a straight-up bitch and Disney can’t convince me otherwise.
All shade aside, this doesn’t look as awful as I thought it was going to look. It looks like the perfect movie to get stoned to (but what isn’t?). My only real problem is that somebody needs to give Michelle Williams a hug or some TUMS already. Girl always looks like she’s either got bad indigestion or she just watched the last part of Where the Red Fern Grows. Or maybe Michelle is just on the verge of letting out a stream of happy tears, because she can’t believe that she’s acting opposite the greatest artist in the world: James Franco.