Benedict Cumberbatch’s new creation wasn’t the only star at the Hollywood premiere of Doctor Strange last night. Tilda Swinton, high priestess of otherworldly fashion, showed up to the premiere in this. For a movie with the word strange in the title, Tilda’s look wasn’t nearly as unusual as I was expecting. Then again, she probably decided to keep it simple (by Tilda’s standards, at least) because there’s no way she could top the strangeness of being cast as a Tibetan man. Whatever the reason, Tilda is really telling a story with her dress, and that story is of an alien pageant queen whose style inspiration comes solely from pirated transmissions of Dynasty reruns. Sadly, the Moussed Elegance wig she ordered from her planet’s version of Amazon.com didn’t arrive in time for her latest pageant.
However, she did managed to inject some weirdness into her ensemble.
On Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night, The Alien Lizard King debuted the trailer for the newest movie that will probably bring in seven trillion dollar signs and allow a Marvel executive to say, “Sure, go ahead and get the solid gold bidet that shoots out diamond water,” to their contractor.
Doctor Strange barely finished filming, but the teaser trailer is already out, because I guess Marvel wanted to keep the nerd boners hard after Disney put out the trailer for the latest Star Whores movie. Although, I don’t know if this crap is going to keep you nerds hard, because it’s just, uh…no. If Inception ate up giant servings of The Matrix, washed it down with a glass of Thor 2 and then barfed up all over a Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon diorama, the end result would look like this trailer. It’s got Benedict Cumberbatch doing an American accent, some Inception shit, some Matrix shit and Tilda Swinton as The Ancient One. The Ancient One is a Tibetan sorcerer, but if I didn’t know that, I’d guess that Tilda was playing Powder’s real biological mother doing lazy cosplay as the boy from The Last Airbender.
While watching this trailer, you may be wondering why there’s no Asians in it. Um, there’s Asians as the EXTRAS, thankyouverymuch!
Since they insisted on casting Tilda as the Ancient One, they should’ve went all the way. They should’ve Tilda-washed the whole thing by casting her in every single role.
And here’s Tilda graciously bestowing her regal presence upon her loyal subjects while walking through NYC with her young lovah last month.
Back in July, Rachel McAdams wouldn’t say whether or not she was riding on her True Detective co-star and fellow Canadian person Taylor Kitsch’s maple-dipped long john (or if you want to get really Canadian, letting him dip his “chicken” into her “Chalet sauce“). Around the same time, there were whispers that she was also being wooed by another hot True Detective, Colin Farrell. But reportedly, Rachel still has a thing for non-threatening Canadian hunks. According to Life & Style, Rachel and Taylor are definitely 100% doing it. And it’s happening so often they’re basically living together. Although really, as if we needed to be told; anyone with at least one working eye can see the white-hot sexual chemistry radiating between those two in the picture above.
A source tells Life & Style that Rachel and Taylor (sidenote: Rachel & Taylor totally sounds like the kind of place popular 14-year-old girls shoplift crop tops) are “practically living together” at Taylor’s condo. The source adds that they’re always going to brunch together and the gym together. Well that’s entirely too wholesome. I always pictured Taylor Kitsch as more of a ‘get beer drunk and have sloppy couch sex’ type, but maybe that could be my brain’s refusal to believe he’s not actually Tim Riggins.
The source also says that it’s gotten so serious that Rachel introduced Taylor to her family, and he bonded with her mom. Meeting the parents in regular life is not that big of a deal, but meeting the parents in Hollywood famous people life is huge. That’s basically the code word sequence that UsWeekly requires to pull out their “GETTING MARRIED!” cover template.
On that note, I’m sure the obsessive Notebook fans have started writing fanfic about Ryan Gosling barging into the church, The Graduate-style, on Rachel McAdams’ wedding day, crying “I couldn’t let you marry the low-budget British Columbia version of me“, and whisking her off in a rowboat.
Last week, it seemed like there was trouble in the squad (Side note: Hello, my name is Michael. I’m a grown up and I just wrote “trouble in the squad.“) when Lorde was seen with Taylor Swift enemy Diplo. Diplo once said that someone should start a Kickstarter to buy Taylor Swift an ass. I figured that Girl Squad Captain Taylor would immediately tell Lorde to shred her Hello Kitty membership card and then ask for the copy of the key to the treasure box where they keep the friendship bracelet supplies. But I don’t think that happened, because here’s Taylor Swift (giving you Dollar Tree Elvira Hancock) and Lorde (giving you constipated and stoned Emily the Strange in an Ice Capades show directed by Tim Burton) at Vanity Fair’s Oscar party last night.
But maybe something is up. Lorde does look like she was sedated and is only posing with Taylor because Taylor threatened to expose secrets that could ruin her career. You know, secrets like she really hates the color black, she loves the color pink, Nicholas Sparks is her favorite author, she really feels whole when she smiles and nothing brightens up her day like sunshine. But then again, Lorde always looks like a goth ghost who took too much Ambien, so everything’s probably fine. However, nothing is fine with the blood explosion messiness that Gwen Stefani wore.
While Blake Shelton looked like the most dressed up dude at a hillbilly wedding, Gwen Stefani looked like she was about to star in Carrie On Ice!
It looks like her belly button is barfing blood. She looks like a slutty blood clot. We get it, Gwen. You’re hot. You still got it, bitch. I’m all for a trick trying to get attention by showing her granny panties in a sheer dress, but Gwen could’ve done it without wearing an ensemble that makes me want to throw tampons, Band-Aids and cotton balls at her.
And here’s more pictures from last night’s VF party including some of Justin Timberlake being annoying and Anne Hathaway wearing Mrs. Roper’s favorite disco freakum muumuu.
When I saw Alicia Vikander (now Academy Award Winner Alicia Vikander) stroll down the red carpet last night, it gave me a massive nostalgia high. A lot of people probably did, thanks to Alicia’s Beauty and the Beast realness. But gazing upon that pale yellow poofy Louis Vuitton dress instantly whooshed me back to memories of playing a game called Beautiful Lady in my childhood bedroom. The rules of Beautiful Lady were simple: look like a beautiful lady. Usually I would play it safe and throw on a Dress n’ Dazzle 3-in-1 Glamour Gown and my exquisite Burger King ThunderCats ring. But if I wanted to look extra beautiful, I’d pull the fitted sheet off my bed and make a stunning ballgown.
I liked to use the fitted sheet because it was far more glamorous and show-stopping than the flat sheet. It puffed out at the bottom, and as everyone knew in the 80s, puffy = instant sophistication. It was dead easy – I’d just wrap it around my waist and fasten it with a banana clip. Then I’d throw on my “wig” (a pair of black nylons) and wait for the flattery to roll in. Alicia clearly knows that Beautiful Lady is always the look, because she made sure to pair her bedsheet dress with flat-on-top/long-in-the-back hair too. Although I don’t think her jewelry came from Burger King. If I had to guess, it’s probably some cheap crap from Harry Winston or something.
Alicia wasn’t the only one who was giving me flashbacks to my homemade fashion years. Kate Winslet also took me for a walk down memory lane.
The Screen Actors Guild Awards was last night and as you know big things happened in diversity. (Well, hello #SAGsSoBlack) But as you also know in life, the good comes with the bad. And if you need further proof of the latter statement take a look at the nominees who walked the red carpet. While many actresses effortlessly slayed (I’m looking at you Rachel McAdams.. “And I’m looking at you, Lori Petty!” – Michael), others lost sense of the space-time continuum and common sense, showing up dressed like a Project Runway reject designed their gowns. The latter remark is best applied to actress Alicia Vikander who wore a long-sleeved, sparkly Louis Vuitton dress that bore a striking resemblance to the afghan on Roseanne’s couch. The dress just screams, “We were short on material while sewing this number” with its large patchwork of mismatched colors and unflattering large squares. Instead of shutting down questions, Alicia’s dress incited a lot more. I ask you, “When has gold and blue ever worked as a color combination?”
I’m sure the snooty fashion mavericks at Louis Vuitton convinced her on that wolf ticket of a dress by saying, “Darling! It’s gorgeous on you! What more can you ask for: chic and 70s-inspired? Voila!” And of course, because she’s obligated by contract as the face of Louis Vuitton to wear it, she fell for it. But I don’t blame Alicia because her thought process is technically hazy considering she’s at stage 10 of dickmatization courtesy of her, er, well-equipped boyfriend Michael Fassbender. Yes, she did nab an award for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Movie for her performance in The Danish Girl which is lovely. But I’m positive all she was concerned about was running back to her hotel room to get some Fassbender lovin.’ “Who cares about this God-forsaken borrowed dress,” Alicia mumbled to herself, statue clutched in her hand, as the elevator ascended back to her complimentary room. “I’m going to get plowed by the best of them as soon as I enter my room.”
My thoughts exactly, Alicia. My thoughts exactly.
For more of the horror show known as the red carpet, browse the slideshow below for WTF moments from some of your favorite actresses such as Nicole Kidman, Kaley Cuoco, Christina Hendricks, Laverne Cox, Rooney Mara, Kate Mara, January Jones, and many more.