After two weeks worth of drama about Taylor with the scaly skin, I’m almost happy to welcome back a story about Becky with the good hair. Shortly after Beyonce maybe called out her husband’s maybe-sidepiece in Lemonade, The Beyhive wasted no time in attacking everyone they thought was Becky. The first person they came for was Rachel Roy, who faced their wrath after posting a cryptic message about good hair and #nodramaqueens on Instagram. The Beyhive attacked her Wikipedia page and her social media accounts. They might have also attacked her email and iCloud, which has prompted an investigation by the LAPD.
“Hahahaha! Bye Becky! Don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out!” is what I like to imagine Beyonce thought when she heard that Rachel Roy bailed. But really, that would require me to suspend my belief that Beyonce’s thoughts consist solely of giving compliments to herself. “Congratulations, Beyonce – you look wonderful tonight.”
Both Beyonce and the woman who seems unable to escape Beyonce’s dramatic gravity pull were both at the CFDA Awards on Monday night in NYC. Yesterday I joked that it was shocking that the Beyhive didn’t completely lose their shit after learning that Beyonce and that husband-humping skank Rachel Roy were at the same event. As it turns out, they technically weren’t there at the same time. Page Six says that once Rachel learned that Beyonce would be making a surprise appearance to collect her Fashion Icon award, she left. Such drama!
Shortly after Rachel arrived, people started whispering on social media that they saw Jay Z and Blue Ivy Carter pulling up to the CFDA Awards, followed by Tina Knowles. That set off a giant emergency siren in Rachel Roy’s head. A source claims she got up from the table she was sitting at, picked up her place card, and left. The source adds that she never came back, and that it was “weird.” However, a friend of Rachel tells Page Six that she had no intention of staying for the whole thing because she had an early-morning flight the next day to L.A. “Of course she did” said everyone who has ever used the I-need-to-be-up-early-for-a-thing excuse to get out of a bad date.
Rachel has denied being the Becky that Beyonce hisses at in “Sorry“, so it’s a little weird that she would respond to Beyonce’s possible arrival like a dog that just heard someone turn on the vacuum. Who knows? Maybe she did actually have an early-morning flight the next day. That might explain why she looked so stiff on the red carpet. I’m no body language expert, but she’s definitely giving me the vibes of someone who is anxious to get home and transfer all her liquids into tiny TSA-approved bottles.
It was very nice of Betsey Johnson to remove her name from the nominees list, and therefore give people like Beyonce a fighting chance at taking home the CFDA’s Fashion Icon award. I’m assuming that’s what happened. Betsey Johnson has always been my favorite fashion weirdo. Even when I was very little and my knowledge of fashion was limited to skorts and whatever the look is called when you loop the bottom of a t-shirt through the neck hole, I knew that she was the definition of effortless, carefree WTF style. Effortless, because she always looks like she put in zero effort. Carefree, because I’m sure she’s free of cares when it comes to what anybody thinks about her. And WTF, because I still cannot figure out what the fuck is going on with those glue-in hair extension.
Betsey brought her carefree WTF style to the CFDA Awards last night. Betsey Johnson gave everyone “getting-her-groove-back grandma” mixed with Janice the Muppet and a side of boxed wine buzz. She’s on vacation from all her worries and troubles and the collection agency that won’t stop calling and demanding payment for that pesky overdue TJ Maxx credit card bill, and she doesn’t care who knows it! Betsey looks like she’s about to climb over the bar at her all-inclusive Mexican resort, grab a bottle of rum and a handful of limes, and smoker-bark over to her friends Buffy, Bambi, and Binky: “See you in the pool!” I want to be this version of Betsey Johnson when I grow up.
Of course, there always has to be a runner-up in the Pageant of Life, and I choose to give that honor to Selma Blair.
While Jay Z is reportedly busy working on a reponse to Lemonade (working title: Lemonade Stand By Your Woman If She’ll Still Let You), the first alleged Becky may have written some emails about Bey-Z that will be released soon. Except it won’t be on purpose, and it will probably make this situation even messier.
According to The Sun (via Page Six), Rachel Roy is sweating a little more than usual today. A source claims that Rachel has recently informed her friends that a whole bunch of private information has been stolen from a file on her computer. Some of that information includes emails that she’s afraid may get her a whole lot of unwanted attention if they get out. No word on how they were stolen or by whom or if several CCT security cameras have recently caught a woman in a yellow coffee filter dress and a ski mask slinking around Rachel Roy’s building.
The source doesn’t get into what’s in those emails that could possibly make so much trouble for Rachel. Rachel has already denied that she ever did anything with Bey’s husband, so it can’t be dirty emails from email@example.com, right? Maybe she’s freaking out because some of those emails are between her and someone else’s husband? Or maybe those emails contain information far more humiliating and shameful, like a whole bunch of emails informing her that no one has accepted her LinkedIn invitations yet.
Regardless of what kind of incriminating evidence is in those emails, Rachel might want to grab a few extra epi-pens or whatever you use to treat bee stings. If I know The Beyhive, it doesn’t take much to set them off. “This email is addressed to a Jayden Zander. Jayden Zander is totally an alias for Jay Z! DEFEND THE QUEEN!”
Today, Rachel Roy burped up a statement to People where she denied being the “Becky with the good hair” that Beyonce sang about on Lemonade, and she also shit on the rumors that Jay-Z’s roving peen made its way into her bull dozer vagina. So, now that Rachel Roy is done getting attention for that dumb “Becky with the good hair” crap, it’s some other trick’s turn to use that lyric to get people to look at her. Enter the High Priestess of Trying It: Rita Ora!
If your name is Rachel or Rachael or Roy or even Ray and you’ve got an Instagram page, you better look for a RAID emoji real quick. Because the eyes of the Beyhive are filled with so much blind rage that they don’t even know who they’re attacking anymore.