Sweaty panties magnet Sir Tom Jones says that when he first came to America (I almost typed “came on America,” which probably would’ve been more fitting), many people thought he was black. The Welshman who’s been inducing coochie seizures for decades tells The London Times Magazine (via NYDN) that because of his voice and curly hair, some people have assumed that he’s part black. Carlton Banks’ idol is curious himself and so he’s going to get his DNA tested.
“A lot of people still think I’m black. When I first came to America, people who had heard me sing on the radio would be surprised that I was white when they saw me. Because of my hair a lot of black people still tell me I’m just passing as white.
When I was born, my mother came out in big dark patches all over her body. They asked if she had any black blood and she said she didn’t know. I’m going to get my DNA tested. I want to find out.”
The part about his mother being asked if she’s black because of the dark patches on her body made me squint. I thought it’s not unusual for a lady to get dark patches on her body after labor. And yes, I commented on that only because I wanted to slide “it’s not unusual” in there.
Sir Tom is totally giving Rachel Dolezal ideas. Expect her to scream the words “VINDICATED, BITCHES!” when her Ancestry.com DNA results show that she’s 0.0000000000000000001% African.
And I don’t know if Sir Tom is part black, but I’d bet my monthly weed budget that he’s at least 25% Oompa Loompa.
RiRi doesn’t really have anything to sell right now, besides her daily pap walks, Instagram posts and bottles of stank, but she’s on the cover of Vanity Fair and in the interview, she says words about everything from Chris Brown to casual boning to Rachel Dolezal. If your brain completely erased every memory of Rachel Dolezal, I’m jealous of you. But let me remind you who that mess is. Rachel Dolezal is Sideshow Bob’s transracial second cousin who pretended to be black and was the only thing the media talked about for a little while. You know, she was the Kim Davis of June 2015. We all forgot about Rachel Dolezal until RiRi said her name again. Damn you, RiRi, you woke the fame whore beast! But before we get to that…
It was only a matter of time before someone would throw a curly wig on their head and pretend to be black woman cosplayer Rachel Dolezal, and that person is Kelly Osbourne. I was sure we wouldn’t see white chicks dressing up as the white chick who doesn’t identifies as a white chick until Halloween time, but here we are.
The recently retired fashion police officer posted a picture of herself in a Party City Rachel Dolezal wig (or as I’m sure they’ll call it, the “Confused Lady” wig) to Instagram yesterday and captioned it: “#CallMeRachel #MyCasualLook“. Meanwhile, the real Rachel Dolezal is like “Call Me? Anyone? Please?” after she found out she’d just been fired from a Police Oversight Commission. Some people swatted at Kelly for dressing up in Rachel Dolezal drag, but she hasn’t deleted the picture yet. She did, however, decide to post a side-by-side of herself dressed as Rachel Dolezal and an old-ass pic of Ozzy Osbourne.
Kelly Osbourne dressed up as Rachel Dolezal is some uncanny valley shit. It’s giving me the creeps. I don’t know if it’s the wig or the jacket or that “Call an exorcist” look in her eyes, but I don’t feel right and I want it to stop. If I didn’t already know this was Kelly Osbourne, I would think I was looking at a picture of Sideshow Bob dressed up as Janice Soprano (minus the hot Rolling Stones tit tattoo) in an attempt to sneak out of prison. But maybe that’s just because I can barely remember what Kelly Osbourne looked like before she got deep into the world of cotton candy rockabilly.
In every picture or Rachel Dolezal, there should be a dude in a blue shirt bringing the disgonbgud GIF alive with his face.
Starbucks, Dunkin’ Donuts and every damn coffee shop in the country reported a 1,000% spike in sales this morning, because everyone bought extra caffeine to butt chug, inject, freebase and snort to deal with the words that came out of Rachel Dolezal’s mouth during her interview with Matt Lauer on Today. Approximately 45 seconds after Rachel stepped down as president of the NAACP’s chapter in Spokane, Washington, she wasted no time in booking a media tour. (“Dat bitch pretends to be black and books a media tour and I had to cancel mine?!” – Iggy Azalea) I’m surprised she found time to book all those interviews in between opening all her thank you gifts from the Duggars for shifting the media’s eyes from Child Touching Way to Transracial Blvd. Rachel will be interviewed by Savannah Guthrie on NBC Nightly News and Melissa Harris-Perry on MSNBC, but she started her great big media tour on Today this morning.
Rachel Dolezal, the human white/gold black/blue dress, was supposed to address that SCANDAL at an already scheduled NAACP meeting tonight and I was expecting her to address it by singing out “Free To Be…You And Me,” but that’s not going to happen. After the brother she tried to pass off as her son told the media that she asked him to lie for her and her parents continued to blast her in the media, she has quit her position as president of the NAACP chapter in Spokane, Washington. Rachel didn’t completely get into the whole “not being black” thing, but she did say that her race has become a distraction and so she needs to take ten steps back. She also patted her own taint several times for a job well done. You can read Rachel’s entire statement on Facebook, but here’s a piece of it. “Bye Rachel” is probably going to become the new “Bye Felicia.”
I have waited in deference while others expressed their feelings, beliefs, confusions and even conclusions – absent the full story. I am consistently committed to empowering marginalized voices and believe that many individuals have been heard in the last hours and days that would not otherwise have had a platform to weigh in on this important discussion. Additionally, I have always deferred to the state and national NAACP leadership and offer my sincere gratitude for their unwavering support of my leadership through this unexpected firestorm.
While challenging the construct of race is at the core of evolving human consciousness, we can NOT afford to lose sight of the five Game Changers (Criminal Justice & Public Safety, Health & Healthcare, Education, Economic Sustainability, and Voting Rights & Political Representation) that affect millions, often with a life or death outcome. The movement is larger than a moment in time or a single person’s story, and I hope that everyone offers their robust support of the Journey for Justice campaign that the NAACP launches today!
I am delighted that so many organizations and individuals have supported and collaborated with the Spokane NAACP under my leadership to grow this branch into one of the healthiest in the nation in 5 short months. In the eye of this current storm, I can see that a separation of family and organizational outcomes is in the best interest of the NAACP.
Rachel will now spend her free time studying Mickey Rooney’s performance in Breakfast At Tiffany’s before she applies to be the president of the JACL’s chapter in Spokane. No, but this whole mess isn’t even close to being finished, and I just hope it brings out more gorgeous songs from her ex-boyfriends about her otherworldly vayjayjay game.
By now, you’ve definitely joined the entire world in simultaneously screaming “What in the name of Spokane’s Most Wanted fuckery?” after learning about Rachel Dolezal, the NAACP leader whose hating hater parents outed her as not black to the local news. On the left is a young Rachel looking like a Little House on the Prairie Jan Brady and on the right is a Bronzer-covered Rachel today giving you Jane Child meets Monica-back-from-Barbados.
As usual, I’m a day late and more than a dollar short with this story, so both Buzzfeed and The Daily Dot have all the details and more pictures. But basically, Rachel pulled some Sommersby shit. But instead of pretending to be the soldier husband of Jodie Foster, she allegedly pretended to be a part black woman with black kids and a black dad. 37-year-old Rachel is the president of Spokane, Washington’s NAACP chapter and her totally white parents claim that she’s been saying she’s part black for almost 10 years. Rachel’s parents told the news that she’s Czech, Swedish, German and possibly a little Native American. They gave the media a copy of her birth certificate and old pictures of her as proof. Rachel claims she’s mixed with white, black and Native American. Rachel’s mom and dad haven’t had contact with her in years, because they claim she doesn’t want to be seen with their white asses out in public. Rachel’s parents didn’t stop there. They went all the way and said that her claim that she was born in a teepee in Montana (I can’t) is a lie and that the dude she claims is her son is really her adopted brother. Before all of this came out, Rachel admitted in an interview that her “son” is actually her brother. She also continued to swear that she’s black and said she’d take a DNA test.
Rachel’s parents didn’t say why they decided to EXPOSE her like that to the media.