The Obamas hosted their last state dinner in the White House last night and their guest of honor was Italy’s Prime Minister Matteo Renzi and his wife Agnese Landini, so they went full Italian and delivered the best of Italy! Guests were served authentic Italian dishes from the Olive Garden, entertainment was provided by world-renowned Hungarian-Italian superstar Ciccolina and both President Obama and Michelle Obama wore ensembles from celebrated Italian designer Z. Cavaricci. I made all that up. Like the White House party planners have taste!
If your name is Rachel or Rachael or Roy or even Ray and you’ve got an Instagram page, you better look for a RAID emoji real quick. Because the eyes of the Beyhive are filled with so much blind rage that they don’t even know who they’re attacking anymore.
The National Enquirer, the highly-esteemed literary journal of choice for anybody who only wants the raw truth, reported in their latest issue that Rachael Ray’s entertainment lawyer/musician husband of 7 years John Cusimano regularly visits a high class, exclusive, members only swingers club called Checkmate in Manhattan (Note: Checkmate’s website sparkles, which means it’s totally high class). Mr. Rachael Ray reportedly became a member before he married Rachael and he’s been seen there several times with a bunch of ladies. Yes, with LADIES. Now I need to take my gaydar in for a tune-up and oil and filter change, because I really thought that Mr. Rachael Ray liked nothing more than to drizzle a little EVOO on a hard peen. He looks like a butch Mario Cantone. I’ve been wrong this whole time.
A source tells the Enquirer (via DM) that John has been seen at Checkmate at least six times and he always had at least one lady escort with him. Rachael has never been seen at the club. Some source says that the club is extremely picky about who they give membership to and only classy people are allowed in (“So why in the hell did they make Mr. Rachael Ray a member?” – all of us together) . John was once turned away from the front door for wearing shorts and a t-shirt. Didn’t John see the sign that clearly read: No Pants, No Tie, No Vagina. The source went on to say that when John was dressed classy enough, they’d let him in and he’d dabble in the buffet before getting wet in the co-ed showers with a lady who wasn’t his wife.
“After a bit of socializing at the buffet and the bar, John would always make his way to the back room. And every time he was observed in the coed locker room, he never took a shower alone. He’d always stop by the club’s buffet before closing to grab a few bagels for the road.
But Rachael’s rep told the NYDN that the Enquirer is once again serving up a plate of cold lies and they might shove a lawsuit straight up their asses:
“This is yet another pack of lies printed by the National Enquirer who have been targeting John and Rachael for years without any merit whatsoever. John’s lawyers have been in contact with the Enquirer and are exploring legal action against the publication for defamation.”
If it’s true, it’s really not that big of a deal. I get it. Sometimes you just want to trade in the sound of your wife’s sandpaper voice for the sound of a 60-year-old man moaning at you to go faster as you do his wife from behind. Understandable. But the real story here is that this swingers club has a buffet and that buffet has bagels on it! But I bet that bagel covered in sticky pubes is still more delicious than any of Rachael’s 30-minute meals (says the bitch who has made, ate and liked one of those 30-minute meals. I’m not proud of that.)
This is real recipe for MICROWAVED BACON on Food Network’s website from the advanced culinary mind of Rachael Ray also goes well with her recipe for hot water (Directions: Put porcelain mug under the red spout on your water cooler. Flip up. Fill mug to top. Flip down.) and pre-cut honey dew (Directions: Open package).
For being so simple, this recipe is a huge damn mess! But you know what’s not a mess? The comments! Comments that were howled by the Three Wolf Moon themselves. I guess nothing brings out hot sarcasm like the scent of burnt bacon stuck to a paper towel. Here’s a few, but you should really spend time with all of them:
Then, when I tried to drop the plate, and it wouldn’t let go of me, I started madly waving my arms around trying to get it off. In the middle of flailing, the plate flew off, and crashed through the large picture window in my kitchen. Between the time the window broke, and when I started flailing, the bacon also flew off and got stuck on the wall. The dog, being a dog, charged the wall-bacon, and began devouring everything that even remotely smelled of bacon, including largish chunks of drywall. Oh, crap, I hope it wasn’t that Chinese drywall that has the chemicals that cause cancer…
By cascalonginess on November 11, 2010
Tried this recipe last night. The bacon was great, but the paper towels tasted awful.
By LocalBoyMakesGoo on November 11, 2010
That’s not what “late night bacon” means in my house.
By Crazy Uncle Dan on November 09, 2010
Does anyone have a good recipe for Banana? I typically take one from the bunch, peel it, discard the peed and eat it. But I feel like I am missing something. Any recipe for Orange would be helpful too.
By runge2002_730663 on November 09, 2010
I don’t stay up very late. Can you post a recipe for early morning bacon? Also I’m new to the whole microwave thing. Do you have a recipe for microwave popcorn? The bag says to stop when the interval between pops is 2-3 seconds, but the pops always happen too fast for me to start counting.
By sammy_hagar_pork_n_b on November 10, 2010
via Food Network Humor (Thanks Kel)
Rachael Ray is more of a Bob Hoskins than a Jessica Rabbit, but somebody lied in her ear because here she is wearing a fire sale wig made from Big Brother Rachel’s weave scraps for the Halloween episode of her show. That grown man in Roger Rabbit ears who looks like he’s about to lead us into the back of the garage to a play a not right game of “Hide the Carrot” is Rachael’s husband.
Rachael most likely chose to pour herself into sequins because SOOOO many people have told her that she sounds just like Kathleen Turner. You know she thinks that. Kathleen Turner has a raspy voice that could exfoliate a peen and moisturize it afterwards, while Rachael has a Miley Cyrus-approved growl that could castrate a peen and pour saw dust on it afterwards. Big difference.
Isaboo, Rachael Ray’s pet pit bull, might be sent to the gas chamber after she sort-of, kind-of pulled a Mike Tyson on another dog. The National Enquirer (via Radar) says that earlier this month in NYC, Isaboo ripped off another dog’s ear during a walk. The dog was rushed to the animal hospital and the vet was able to save some of its ear, but unfortunately it’s still walking around with a fucked up ear.
A source says that Rachael’s husband called the other dog’s owner and offered to pay for all the medical bills. The owner apparently agreed, but that still doesn’t change the fact that the poor pooch is going to get laughed at by all the other dogs for having an ear that looks like one of Paris Hilton’s labia lips! DAMN THAT Isaboo!
Rachael is thinking about muzzling Isaboo or getting her more training, because she’s afraid she might go after a person next. The source added, “Rachael calls Isaboo her baby,’ but after the latest dog fight, she’s living in fear that her pet will have to be put down.”
If I had to listen to Rachael’s “Miley Cyrus gargling nails” voice every single day, I’d probably go crazy in the brains and bite an ear off too. Rachael and Isaboo both need some Cesar Milan in their lives. Rachael needs to put that terrifying trucker voice to good use and become pack leader. I mean, homegirl is already built like a bull dog, so she can easily take charge!