It’s never a good sign when R. Kelly’s name is trending online, but yesterday it was really not good. BuzzFeed published a story accusing R. Kelly of living up to his nickname of The Pied Piper of R&B. They claimed he had lured young women into various homes and kept them in what was implied to be R. Kelly’s version of a cult. R. Kelly denied (via his rep) that he was involved in any such sex cult. One of the women with R. Kelly has recently spoken, and she also denies anything R. Kelly-ish is happening.
Last week a shirtless middle-aged dude biked past me happily sing-screaming “Ignition (Remix)” at the top of his lungs, and after I was done marveling at a human living their best life, I began to wonder what R. Kelly had been up to lately. Last we heard, he was getting sued for allegedly wrecking a marriage. As it turns out, R. Kelly has been busy wrecking more than that. Several people have come forward and are alleging that R. Kelly has wrecked their families by luring their daughters into what they’re calling a “cult.” R. Kelly doing not-right shit with young women? How very R. Kelly of him.
R. Kelly, the most dangerous water sport device to happen to kids since the Slip ‘N Slide, has been sued by a deputy sheriff in Jackson, Mississippi for allegedly being the wrecking ball who destroyed his marriage. Kenny Bryant claims that R. Kelly caused him emotional pain and even messed with his money by having an affair with his wife whose name is Asia Childress. The shocking part is that Asia isn’t underage, but she does have the word “child” in her last name.
Because sucio ass perverts gotta stick together, R. Kelly said that he thinks it’s really strange that ten thousand zillion women waited a long time to come forward and say that the Pudding Pop Don drugged and raped them. I know, R. Kelly defending Bill Cosby is like Sarah Palin endorsing Donald Trump as president. Now I’m just waiting for Woody Allen and Subway Jared to publicly take their places in Team Pudding Pop.
While wearing a bootleg Shaft costume from a discount Halloween store, R. Kelly did an interview with HuffPost Live and it went so good that he ended up throwing a hissy fit (better than a pissy fit, I guess) before quitting that bitch. The only thing Woody Allen’s favorite R&B singer wanted to talk about was his album and his own greatness. It’s nice knowing that R. Kelly’s head is still filled with a giant pile of mashed delusion.
R. Kelly recently ass queefed up a video where he blamed the low sales of his new album on “computers” and lack of support. Caroline Modarressy-Tehrani of HuffPost Live brought up that video and then asked him if he feels like fans have a hard time getting into his music because they can’t get past all of the heinous and dark-sided things he’s been accused of doing. R. Kelly sort of answered her at first, but when she wanted to get deeper, her got angrier and mouth burped about how everywhere he goes he’s golden showered with love and he accused her of bringing on the negativity for “ratings.” R. Kelly also tried to prove that her questions were irrelevant by asking her if she gets drunk and he also name-dropped the McRib. If you can take the insufferableness of it all, it starts at around the 6:35 mark. There are many, many painful things about this interview, but one of the most painful is not being able to take a Magic Eraser to that sad goatee that looks like it was drawn on with a faded marker.
And I’m kind of surprised that R. Kelly didn’t piss on her at the end. What am I saying? R. Kelly would never piss on her. She’s not a 14-year-old girl.
Gob Bluth-divorcer Amy Poehler is producing hilarious besties Julie Klausner and Billy Eichner’s new comedy on Hulu, Difficult People. Julie has described Amy as being heavily involved in the writing process and told EW that “Amy could not have been more hands-on.” Hence, when Julie’s character noted in one episode that “I can’t wait for Blue Ivy to be old enough for R. Kelly to piss on her,” the Beyhive went for the more visible perpetrator.*
Julie must have that feeling you get when a bus nearly misses you in the street! Reactions on Twitter from the #BeyHive were anything but mixed.
RT @CerromeRussell Amy Poehler act like the Beyhive won’t show up to the set and Ieave it covered in glitter and blood
— crissle (@crissles) August 17, 2015
Blue Ivy is 3 years old. If this “joke” was being made about my 3 year old? I’d be catching a case. This isn’t a hard concept. — Mikki Kendall (@Karnythia) August 17, 2015
I don’t see enough outrage over amy poehler basically saying she’s waiting for a toddler to be peed on.
— Devoncé (@liteskinfriend) August 19, 2015
Amy Poehler would’ve never let this joke fly about a three year old White girl. NEVER — Miss Ann Dri (@OHTheMaryD) August 17, 2015
To add some context, Julie’s character is assailed by the Internet for making the joke. So it’s not like the Difficult People universe actually HAS R. Kelly eventually using the Nazarene as a urinal. Not that I’m defending the joke! *nervous chuckle* (Please see the notation below.)
When the long-running BET show 106 & Park had Chris Brown’s on-and-off unfortunate and 106 host Coochie Tran make a Blue Ivy joke, the Beyhive got the 14-year-old show cancelled. Watch for Amy to be knocking back on SNL’s door for some “Featured Player” roles. That would be after she and the kids get out of WITSEC in 2025.
*I’d like to note that I IN NO WAY laughed at that joke. I believe ANY mention of Blue Ivy Carter in anything other than a respectful, worshipful tone is WRONG. WRONG! Please don’t come after me or my husband or my dogs for posting about this obscene occurrence, Beyhive. Because you are
crazy devoted as hell. You feel Beyonce to be Wet Look Jesus, and I am ok with that. Absolutely! Please know that I dance to “Crazy In Love” at weddings unironically, and I think she’s tremendous! (Have I CMA’ed enough, yet?)
Check out pics of Jay-Z and Blue Ivy boarding a helicopter en route to bomb the Difficult People set (I kid), and more pics of Amy, Julie and Billy at the premiere in the gallery below.