R. Kelly, the most dangerous water sport device to happen to kids since the Slip ‘N Slide, has been sued by a deputy sheriff in Jackson, Mississippi for allegedly being the wrecking ball who destroyed his marriage. Kenny Bryant claims that R. Kelly caused him emotional pain and even messed with his money by having an affair with his wife whose name is Asia Childress. The shocking part is that Asia isn’t underage, but she does have the word “child” in her last name.
Because sucio ass perverts gotta stick together, R. Kelly said that he thinks it’s really strange that ten thousand zillion women waited a long time to come forward and say that the Pudding Pop Don drugged and raped them. I know, R. Kelly defending Bill Cosby is like Sarah Palin endorsing Donald Trump as president. Now I’m just waiting for Woody Allen and Subway Jared to publicly take their places in Team Pudding Pop.
While wearing a bootleg Shaft costume from a discount Halloween store, R. Kelly did an interview with HuffPost Live and it went so good that he ended up throwing a hissy fit (better than a pissy fit, I guess) before quitting that bitch. The only thing Woody Allen’s favorite R&B singer wanted to talk about was his album and his own greatness. It’s nice knowing that R. Kelly’s head is still filled with a giant pile of mashed delusion.
R. Kelly recently ass queefed up a video where he blamed the low sales of his new album on “computers” and lack of support. Caroline Modarressy-Tehrani of HuffPost Live brought up that video and then asked him if he feels like fans have a hard time getting into his music because they can’t get past all of the heinous and dark-sided things he’s been accused of doing. R. Kelly sort of answered her at first, but when she wanted to get deeper, her got angrier and mouth burped about how everywhere he goes he’s golden showered with love and he accused her of bringing on the negativity for “ratings.” R. Kelly also tried to prove that her questions were irrelevant by asking her if she gets drunk and he also name-dropped the McRib. If you can take the insufferableness of it all, it starts at around the 6:35 mark. There are many, many painful things about this interview, but one of the most painful is not being able to take a Magic Eraser to that sad goatee that looks like it was drawn on with a faded marker.
And I’m kind of surprised that R. Kelly didn’t piss on her at the end. What am I saying? R. Kelly would never piss on her. She’s not a 14-year-old girl.
Gob Bluth-divorcer Amy Poehler is producing hilarious besties Julie Klausner and Billy Eichner’s new comedy on Hulu, Difficult People. Julie has described Amy as being heavily involved in the writing process and told EW that “Amy could not have been more hands-on.” Hence, when Julie’s character noted in one episode that “I can’t wait for Blue Ivy to be old enough for R. Kelly to piss on her,” the Beyhive went for the more visible perpetrator.*
Julie must have that feeling you get when a bus nearly misses you in the street! Reactions on Twitter from the #BeyHive were anything but mixed.
RT @CerromeRussell Amy Poehler act like the Beyhive won’t show up to the set and Ieave it covered in glitter and blood
— crissle (@crissles) August 17, 2015
Blue Ivy is 3 years old. If this “joke” was being made about my 3 year old? I’d be catching a case. This isn’t a hard concept. — Mikki Kendall (@Karnythia) August 17, 2015
I don’t see enough outrage over amy poehler basically saying she’s waiting for a toddler to be peed on.
— Devoncé (@liteskinfriend) August 19, 2015
Amy Poehler would’ve never let this joke fly about a three year old White girl. NEVER — Miss Ann Dri (@OHTheMaryD) August 17, 2015
To add some context, Julie’s character is assailed by the Internet for making the joke. So it’s not like the Difficult People universe actually HAS R. Kelly eventually using the Nazarene as a urinal. Not that I’m defending the joke! *nervous chuckle* (Please see the notation below.)
When the long-running BET show 106 & Park had Chris Brown’s on-and-off unfortunate and 106 host Coochie Tran make a Blue Ivy joke, the Beyhive got the 14-year-old show cancelled. Watch for Amy to be knocking back on SNL’s door for some “Featured Player” roles. That would be after she and the kids get out of WITSEC in 2025.
*I’d like to note that I IN NO WAY laughed at that joke. I believe ANY mention of Blue Ivy Carter in anything other than a respectful, worshipful tone is WRONG. WRONG! Please don’t come after me or my husband or my dogs for posting about this obscene occurrence, Beyhive. Because you are
crazy devoted as hell. You feel Beyonce to be Wet Look Jesus, and I am ok with that. Absolutely! Please know that I dance to “Crazy In Love” at weddings unironically, and I think she’s tremendous! (Have I CMA’ed enough, yet?)
Check out pics of Jay-Z and Blue Ivy boarding a helicopter en route to bomb the Difficult People set (I kid), and more pics of Amy, Julie and Billy at the premiere in the gallery below.
In “News You Definitely Care About” news, Jennifer Aniston’s partner in tequila (Side note: I totally picture them reenacting the spaghetti scene from Lady and the Tramp with a tequila worm), Chelsea Handler, was on Conan last night and she once again swore on the carton of Belvedere in her garage that the Vine of Jason Biggs emptying his bladder on her face is one hundred percent real.
A few weeks ago, the epitome of SUCIO found a new low when a Vine made the rounds of Jason Biggs golden showering on Chelsea Handler as she swam below him in the ocean. Nasty trollop didn’t even close her mouth! Pimp Mama Kris already hates Chelsea Handler, but she hates her a little more today and is totally disgusted. How can Chelsea Handler get pissed on in a video and then give that video to the public FOR FREE? PMK is so glad they’re not in the same basic cable family anymore.
Chelsea was on Howard Stern last week and she claimed that she and Jason didn’t stage the piss party so she’d have a story to tell on talk shows while selling her Netflix comedy special. And last night, Chelsea pissed out the story into Conan’s face:
“I did not want to be urinated on. That’s not something I was trying to get to happen. It did happen and I’m still here. He’s got problems, okay and he had a urinary tract infection on this trip. No, he didn’t. So I got off the boat, there’s a below deck they call, the little thing, so I jump off of it and I was holding onto it because we were getting on another boat to go to the beach. All of a sudden I realize, I look up and Jason’s penis was there and he was urinating on my face. I thought it was so funny that somebody would pee on someone’s face that I was laughing so hard I couldn’t swim away. Even if I could’ve swim I would’ve just swam into the boat so I was trapped. I was in a urinary Bermuda Triangle. Listen, I can take one for the team. If somebody needs to get urinated on, I am happy to do that. I don’t care about urine. Who cares?”
Those last few lines…. If Chelsea was about 30 years younger, R. Kelly would be all about that.
I’ve thrown the Vine up after the cut so we can all disinfect (Freudian typo and it stays) it piss stream by piss stream:
Lady CaCa once again proved that she’s the Master of Shit Decisions when she decided that it was a good idea to record a song called “Do What You U Want” with a well-known piece of turd predator who has done what he wants with the bodies of underage girls including emptying his piss bag on them. Wonderful decision #1! Then Lady CaCa really solidified herself as a Master of Shit Decisions when she decided that the best person to direct the video for a song she made with R. Kelly is another well-known piece of turd predator who has done what he wants with the bodies of models including dropping a curdled cum load on their faces. Wonderful decision #2! Wonderful decisions all around! Well, I guess you really have to hand it to Lady CaCa (and by “it” I mean a paddle to slap herself in the face with) for really going hard with the “Do What U Want With My Body” theme.
Page Six says that the video, which was shot in September, was supposed to come out in December, but then someone in CaCa’s camp with half a working brain cell realized that shitting out a video that looked like it was specifically made for the Roman Polanski demographic was not a good move. The video never came out and Lady CaCa blamed it on a tight schedule and bad management. But Page Six says that the video was arrested by Detective Olivia Benson and thrown into a jail cell where it belongs, because around the time that mess was supposed to assault our eyes, The Village Voice published another expose about R. Kelly’s child rape ways and more allegations of Uncle Terry’s acts of sexual assault foolery came out. Sources tell TMZ that CaCa had no idea about all the claims made against Uncle Terry and that sort of makes sense since her head is always shoved up her culo and she only knows about shit involving her. But please, bitch knew.
The clip that TMZ posted starts out with CaCa on a hospital bed and Dr. R. Kelly tells her that the medicine is about to kick in. Then she passes out and R. Kelly and a bunch of slutty nurses have a party on top of her passed out body. Page Six says that before CaCa passes out, Dr. R. Kelly tells her she’s going to get pregnant. The clip ends with CaCa hilariously dry humping a bunch of newspapers. Bitch looks like a strung out alley cat having a seizure on crumpled up newspapers behind a dumpster in a back alley. Print truly is dead! One of Page Six’s sources said this about the video:
“Gaga had a video directed by an alleged sexual predator, starring another sexual predator. With the theme, ‘I’m going to do whatever I want with your body?’ It was literally an ad for rape.”
That ILLEGAL ass gross video looks like a no-budget porn and it makes me want to point to the eyes on a doll and tell my therapist that’s where Lady CaCa violated me. But you know, I don’t understand this kind of HIGH ART, because I didn’t get an art degree from Lady CaCa’s Community College Of Raw Hardcore Edginess. I obviously don’t know what I’m talking about. I mean, some of the world’s biggest filmmakers loved it. Dlisted got these EXCLUSIVO reviews:
“I saw myself in it. A triumph!” – Roman Polanski
“An inspirational piece of art! Bravo!” – Woody Allen
“Needed more naked twinks, but other than that, it’s a masterpiece!” – Bryan Singer
And here’s CaCa looking like Nick Simmons in Detroit Rock City drag while going to get a tattoo in NYC yesterday.