When your President gets cornered, he lashes out by tweeting threats of nuclear annihilation IN ALL CAPS because any asshole with a valid birth date is allowed to have Twitter. When R. Kelly gets cornered, he ass dribbles out 19 minutes of martyred mumbling and releases it on Sound Cloud, the same way I release my janky podcast, because any asshole with a valid email address can publish there. While your President’s outbursts might get us all killed, R. Kelly’s charming ditty, “I Admit“, is about as dangerous as being stabbed with a peeled banana, and equally ridiculous.
No matter how hard he wishes, R. Kelly just can’t evict himself from the current narrative that says he’s allegedly a big fan of keeping young women (and possibly some underage girls) in a sex cult. Naturally, there’s been a call to boycott R. Kelly’s music and Spotify removed his songs from plays (but it didn’t affect his song streams). R. Kelly might be as delusional as he is disgusting, because he doesn’t think his career is going anywhere.
Robert Sylvester Kelly recently posted a message apologizing to his fans after a concert in his hometown of Chicago was canceled. R. Kelly said he was sorry that his stank breath and stinky cheese feet were so putrid, the CDC had to get involved and shut his show down. Haha, I’m kidding. His concert got shut down because the women of the Time’s Up movement have joined with the #muteRkelly campaign and his ass is FINALLY on the verge of getting cancelled.
On April 9, alleged sex cult leader R. Kelly had a criminal complaint filed against him by a 19-year-old woman accusing him of “knowingly and intentionally” giving her an STD. Her lawyer also accused Kelly of trying to groom his client to become a member of the reported “sex cult” he was accused of Manson-ing young women into back in July. All of this alleged creepy behavior seems to have finally had an effect on Kelly’s support staff. Since February, he’s out a lawyer, a publicist, and his longtime personal assistant. What took them so long? Even if their benefits package included dental, it’s still not worth your boss possibly asking you what size dog collar a 14-year-old girl might wear. *terrified scream*
Could it be that Robert Sylvester Kelly is finally shook? Pee Pee tape originator R. Kelly has disabled commenting on his Instagram feed for the first time since I’ve been covering him. It’s probably no coincidence that this move comes on the heels of yet another accusation of sexual misconduct by a woman who claims Kelly intentionally gave her an STD while training her for his alleged sex cult. R. Kelly categorically denies all allegations against him, including that his feet are cracked and ashy and that he does such a bad job wiping his ass he has perma poo-butt.
Back in July, Kitty Jones, an ex-girlfriend of R. Kelly‘s, spoke to press about life at the Kelly compound. Kitty Jones spoke in support of the story of the young woman whose parents believed she was being held against her will but who later released a statement that looked more like a hostage video saying she was fine. Chile, I beg to differ. Nothing about this situation is fine.