Miley Cyrus’ Short Film Was Pulled From The New York Porn Film Festival

And just like that, it appears we’ll never hear the words “…and the Pussy goes to...” and “Miley Cyrus” in the same sentence. Well, maybe not never; it’s really only a matter of time before that horny horny hillbilly says ‘eh, screw it‘ and makes a soft-core porno (I have a feeling the wait won’t be long). But for now, Miley is still just a yodelin’ stripper chipmunk because her dreams of crossing over into the adult film world have been killed. Page Six says that Miley’s reps have pulled her black and white art school bondage film Tongue Tied from the New York City Porn Film Festival one day after it announced it had been submitted.

Apparently Miley’s people are pissed because festival organizer Simon Leahy claimed Miley personally submitted Tongue Tied in order to convince the production company that made it (Cadence Films) to grant permission to use it. So they told him to remove it from the festival and all festival listings. A spokesperson for Miley hissed the following about the shady situation:

“Miley was proud to make a film with acclaimed filmmaker Quentin Jones. She did not instigate this festival submission and is not participating in any way.”

Cadence Films also chimed in, saying that they were sent misleading emails from Simon Leahy about the whole thing. They claim they were told Tongue Tied would be shown along with other shorts at an artist-run space in Bushwick. It wasn’t until yesterday that they discovered it was actually something called the New York City Porn Film Festival. Simon Leahy slapped back at them, claiming they didn’t do their research and that they’re being pearl-clutching prudes because the film festival has the word “porn” in the title.

And somewhere in a home-made plywood cabin in the backyard of a Toluca Lake mansion, Miley is smoking a dirty joint and thinking “Dang y’all, what a bummer. This was going to be my first time participatin’ in a festival that didn’t have the word Ribs or Chili the title.“

Annie Lennox Threw Some Shade At Madonna For Posing With Her Tits Out In Interview Magazine

Life legend Annie Lennox has once again put on her skipper hat and set sail on the S.S. No-Fucks-Given bound for the shady shores of Truth Island. During a discussion on the UK show Loose Women (via E! News) about Madonna’s recent Slutty Motel Memaw photoshoot for Interview Magazine, 59-year-old Annie admitted that while she’s all for being naked, she questioned Madonna’s motives for taking her 56-year-old tits out. “DUH! Because a desperate middle-aged ho is desperate for attention!” screamed all of us, including Madonna.

Annie then said it’s not her place to judge (Annie Lennox is a living breathing Kermit meme, apparently) but would love to know whyyyyy-y-y-y-y-y Madonna feels the need to keep flashing her Photoshopped nips at our eyes:

“I think already the verdict is probably out. Would you not agree on that one?” Lennox asked. “I think the question is, ‘What is Madonna telling us? Anybody know?'”

That’s when one of the other panelists, Janet Street-Porter, answered: “I think it’s attention seeking” (this just in: Captain Obvious lives in the UK and uses the alias “Janet Street-Porter”). To which Annie agreed, saying:”I think it is.” And that’s when, in a perfect world, Madonna would have popped out of a decorative plant wearing an all-straps latex bra and exclaimed in her wonderful fake British accent: “You’re both correct! Congratulations! Now who wants to see a picture of my fanny?”

I understand what Annie Lennox is feeling, because I too wonder why Madonna is forever reminding us about her Photoshopped fuck parts, but I think it might be one of life’s mysteries that we’re not meant to know. I bet that 2 million years from now, aliens will still be trying to figure it out. “Gleep-glorp, it doesn’t make any sense! Why did she need so much attention? And why does this picture of a 98-year-old Madonna not have a single wrinkle or age spot?“

Jada Pinkett Smith Discovered That Will Smith Has Been Taking Secret Pictures Of Her While She’s Asleep

For those of you staring at this picture and thinking “For what the hell am I looking at and why is it making me sort of hungry for dried apricots“, the answer would be: Jada Pinkett Smith‘s nekkid back. The Scrappy-Doo to Will Smith’s Scooby, confessed on Facebook (via Us Weekly) that she had recently discovered that her husband was taking pictures of her while she slept and had a collection of naked Jada sleepy-time photos. Will, you kinky bitch!

Jada posted an example of Will’s Portrait Studio work and wrote about how her husband is so ~artsy~ and whatever:

“I discovered the sexiest secret the other day. My husband takes pics of me in my sleep. He has a whole stash he revealed to me and I really enjoyed getting a glimpse of myself through his eyes. I had to share one with you guys;) Life is art. Life is beauty.“

EW EW EW BARF NO STAHP. I don’t want to think about Will Smith with a raging case of morning wood trying to get his Ansel Adams on. I don’t want to think about Will Smith quietly lifting the duvet with said boner so he can use both hands to adjust the light setting on his Canon Rebel. And I definitely don’t want to think about Will Smith uploading the pictures to a file on his laptop called “Intimate Bedroom Shots of My Lover” (you just know they’re the type of sick fucks who refer to each other as “My Lover“). I don’t want to think about any of it!

And what’s with this family’s obsession with taking pictures of themselves in bed? First Willow, then Jaden, now Jada? You guys got back problems or something? Call your doctor! Get your spines checked out!

Nicki Minaj’s Dress Announced “I Quit This Bitch, Literally” Seconds Into Her VMA Performance

I guess Nicki Minaj’s Tupperware GladWare titties were tired of playing second fiddle to her spotlight-stealing bulbasaur ass, because last night during her performance of “Bang Bang” with Jessie J and Frankie Grande’s “mega mega popstar” sister Ariana (who looked sort of like a slutty toddler version of Julia Roberts at the 2001 Oscars) at the VMAs, her boobs broke free and tried to steal the show. When it came time for Nicki to change from her “Anaconda” costume of Poison Ivy’s underwear to a black zip-up dress for “Bang Bang”, Us Weekly says that shit backstage turned into the scene from Mean Girls where Karen struggles to zip Regina George into her Spring Fling dress, because a source claims that bitch was trying to make a too-small dress happen, and it was NOT going to happen. Continue reading

Miley Has Brought Her Tennessee Tittums to Pages Of German Vogue

Because it’s a day that ends in a Y, Miley Cyrus is still flashing her backwoods boobies for anyone with a camera, and this time it’s for the classy European readers of German Vogue. The last time we saw her chipmunk chichis (NSFW), she looked like something that crawls way too quickly from behind the water heater in your parent’s basement when you turn the light on, but this time she actually looks…good? Great even? I’ll say great, but it’s all Mario Testino’s fault. While Terry Richardson is shooting people like they’re in Coco’s sad audition scene from Fame and Juergen Teller is living every day like it’s Violent Crime Scene Week, Mario Testino is able to take the grimiest skags and turn them into beautiful delicate peony blossoms.

As of right now, there is no interview to accompany these pictures, but if it’s anything like her recent W interview, I have a feeling it will sound a little something like this:

“Guten tag y’all! I just love Germany. One time, when I was like 6, my dad Billy Ray took me to Oktoberfest in Nashville, and I was like, y’all are blowing my mind with these pretzels! Also, one summer I got super obsessed with Rammstein – do y’all know the song Du Hast? – and then I read a book about that guy Hitler and World War 2 and I was like No Way, Germany! Y’all can’t let this guy get away with it! Hey, y’all wanna see my tits? Here you go! Ok, that’s everything! Auf Weidersehen, bitches!”

Here’s more pictures from Miley’s German Vogue shoot with horsie-censoring for obvious reasons (I don’t know how many of you have just eaten). I really like high fashion shoots because the photographer is trying to tell a story with each picture, and I think Mario Testino does a great job of telling the following stories: Ripping off Anna Nicole, Ripping off Madonna, and finally my personal favorite, Ripping off an old Frederick’s of Hollywood catalogue from 1997:

(Pics: ONTD)

Paulina Gretzky Is Smokey The Bear’s Enemy Number One

While famine, disease and math with letters in it continue to plague the Earth, TMZ has some good news in the form of stupidity being proven flammable. Paulina Gretzky, hockey legend Wayne Gretzky’s daughter, had her sweater catch fire at The Tipsy Goat (totally filing that away in my possible eHarmony screen names should I ever find myself single again) in Thousand Oaks, CA after sitting too close to a fire pit.

Maybe the vapid and boregeous (boring + gorgeous) didn’t get the memo that open blazes are hot and shit catches on fucking fire if you get your boozy ass self in it’s vicinity. Paulina had previously been booted from the same bar before after dancing on said fire pit. Third time’s a charm, Darwin? I’ll cross everything, even my whore legs! If her Instagram account is any indication, the number of sparklers she seems to be around regularly may make all my dreams come true.

Aside from her penchant to being drawn to flame like an idiot moth, Paulina is no Rhodes Scholar. In an interview with Maxim (via People), she basically pissed all over Schoolhouse Rock’s “knowledge is power” slogan by saying getting her read on just doesn’t do it for her.

“Some people gave me such a hard time for posting all these swimsuit pics on Twitter,” she admits. “I’m sorry, I’m not posting pictures when I’m reading a book. I feel like social media is supposed to be for fun, to share what you’re doing when you’re enjoying life.”

Paulina may have attended the Paris Hilton School of Too Many Words, Not Enough Pictures if she finds no enjoyment in picking up a good book (sit down, E.L. James, nobody’s taking to you). Reading may not be everybody’s forte, but the world sure as shit doesn’t need more hos in bikinis. What we really need to see on the next Instagram update is a mashup between Paulina’s two biggest enemies- fire and books- in the form of a Fahrenheit 451 filter, especially if it automatically applied itself after the third tired ass selfie by making a self-promoting attention whore burst into flame.

(Photo: Instagram)