Category: Pure Poetry

The Game Is Still Writing Hashtag Erotica And Showing Off His Junk On Instagram

November 14, 2015 / Posted by:

You may remember (“How could I forget?” said everyone who still has the image of The Game’s giant party sub dick seared into their retinas) that two weeks ago, rapper-turned-aspiring fuck prose artiste The Game posted a picture of himself in his underwear to Instagram with a wall of nasty hashtags. Well, I have good news for those of you who looked at The Game’s lycra-wrapped bulge and yelled: “MORE! I DEMAND MORE!!!”; it looks like this is going to be a weekly thing now.

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Words Of Wisdom From Justin Bieber: He Is Not A Taco

September 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Seen above posing as a constipated Douchedini, Justin Bieber did a cover interview with Complex magazine where he naturally burped up a few insufferable dingles. Such as, the Biebs doesn’t think that whole assholetastic “pissing in a janitor bucket” move was a big deal, because the “dude at the club” told him he could do it since the bathroom was far away. But it’s his words about Jesus, Christianity and the universe that really prove to us that he’s not just a little popped anus pimple that refuses to heal. He’s also a spiritual philosopher and deep, deep thinker.

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The Time Tommy Lee Jones Said “I Hate You” To Jim Carrey In The Middle Of A Restaurant

October 29, 2014 / Posted by:

Besides Drew Barrymore and Debi Mazar who were extremely hot as Sugar and Spice, Batman Forever was a neon turd and apparently it was a huge, messy shit show behind-the-scenes too. Ever since that mess came out, there’s been rumors that there was a lot of fighting going on during filming and that Jim Carrey and Tommy Lee Jones got along as well as two Rockaway black bears. Jim Carrey was on Howard Stern (via UsWeekly) yesterday to promote Dumb and Dumber To and the rumors about him scrappin’ with TLJ on the set of Batman Forever came up. Jim Carrey said that yeah, the rumors are true, and then he told a story that should make all of us wish we will get into a fight with TLJ just once. Because he will spew out some poetic hate that will make your soul blossom.

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Presenting Pamela Anderson’s Beautifully Deep Facebook Poem

July 10, 2014 / Posted by:

I don’t know if this is the result of getting divorced again or a side-effect from using discount vegan peroxide, but something questionable seeped into Pamela Anderson’s skull, curled up around her brain, lit a joint laced with angel dust and model airplane glue, and whispered a string of words that would go on to become the most incredible piece of prose. Go ahead and tell your artsy 16-year-old cousin who keeps trying to change her name from Ashlee to Azriel to pack it in; she’ll never be as good at ~deep~ Facebook poetry as C.J. Parker from Baywatch.

On Tuesday afternoon, Pamela Anderson posted an untitled 1000-word poem to Facebook and it’s so profound that even after having read it multiple times, I still have no idea what the hell she’s trying to say. One minute she’s musing about Burberry trench coats and Pablo Neruda, and the next she’s talking about Russian girls shoving loaves of bread up their asses. The entire thing felt like a Baywatch Nights fever dream, which is to say, it is beyond genius and Pamela should start making room on the mantle for the dozens of Pulitzer Prizes it will surely win her.

My only critique is that a poem so avant-garde really should have been published where it would have been appreciated, like The New Yorker or The Paris Review. But I suppose Pamela chose Facebook to make her poetry accessible to dummies like you and me. Thank god she remembered to add “Copywritten Pamela Anderson” at the end, otherwise a less-talented poet like John Ashbery might try to steal it and pass it off as one of his own.

You can read the whole piece here. I suggest taking a hit off a bong or a can of Reddi-wip first to fully appreciate the complex word play and intense visual imagery.

Pure Poetry: The Wife Of ChaCha’s Creator Accuses Him Of Cheating On Her And Goes Off On Twitter

July 18, 2013 / Posted by:

Before I get to the tweets of beautiful poetry that VeeVee Jones tweeted last night, let me give your ass some background. 53-year-old Scott Jones (pictured with Vee above) is the creator of the search engine ChaCha and The Daily Mail says that he’s worth around $150 million and lives in a huge estate in Carmel, Indiana. A few years ago, Scott Jones met professional poker player (A POKAH PLAYA!) VeeVee on Match.com. VeeVee writes on her site that a month after they met in person, she got knocked up with her first kid and his fourth kid. A month before she gave birth to their baby, he passed his dick to a side piece. Just when VeeVee was about to leave Scott, he was diagnosed with cancer. She stayed, they worked through their shit and she became his third wife on 11/11/11. VeeVee got pregnant last summer and a few months into her pregnancy, she found out that Scott was dicking Renee Larr, a married PR assistant at his company. And that brings us to last night when VeeVee called out Scott and Renee on Twitter and dropped many priceless lines like, “If only her husband knew that every kiss he gave her, he was tasting my husband’s deposits.”

VeeVee claims that her husband, or someone who works for her husband, deleted most of her Twitter rant, but Valleywag and The Daily Dot copied some of them.

You blew him for a michael khors bag? Bitch I would’ve got you a MK bag just to leave us be… Jeeesh

Hey anyone else want a piece of my husband get in line. Hoes would fuck for a cheap handbag. Isn’t that prostitution? Man at least a birkin.

Ruff ruff. Wonder if your husband knows? That you blow your boss? And then kiss him afterwards? You’re trifling good for nothing.

Goddamnit she’s so ugly it makes me feel ugly lol

He calls me bipolar when I call him a cheater pumpkin water :-/ go figure

While I’m pregnant with his 5th baby, named after him, to save our marriage. He screws that ugly dog :-/ I’m so hurt & this is venting

Don’t feel bad for me people… Apparently I can buy anything I want… But love just wasn’t for sale :-/

I think he has a sexual addiction. He’s like a dog. And his natural green herbs helps him like my natural greens help me with my problems.

What do you call a man marry a ghetto chic from Philly without a prenup & cheats on her? FUCKED That’s what you should call him :-/

And VeeVee wasn’t done. She dropped this on her site last night:

Abandoned me while I was pregnant during the holidays, puking 6 times a day and opening up my company to save our home… Having a baby to save our marriage. He decides to fuck this dog :-/

Ugly ass dog, her body is even funny looking along with her face. I thought at least a butter face, but this bitch was ugly throughout.

Then this morning, VeeVee’s rage turned into sadness:

I’m dying inside if you don’t know already… It’s killing me.
I’m hurt and pissed off… But will always want him in my life. Six years together, and he fucked up once… The whole entire 6 years wasn’t bad. We will always be together…
Maybe not as husband and wife, but he’ll always be my best friend.

Scott Jones hasn’t said anything about this on Twitter and I’m with him, I don’t know what to say. My mouth opened at “You blew him for a michaelk khors bag,” the popcorn went in at “Man at least a birkin,” I fell into the coffin at “trifling good for nothing,” I closed the coffin door at, “cheater pumpkin water” and I declared VeeVee my new hero at, “FUCKED that’s what you should call him.”

And I was about to laugh at Renee Larr for sucking dick for a bag she can get at T.J. Maxx, but then I remembered that I’ve done a lot more (no comment) for a lot less (zero MK bags).

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