Category: Pure Poetry

Could Justin Bieber Be Canada’s Next Poet Laureate?

April 10, 2019 / Posted by:

Justin Bieber has been bothering us for so long that sometimes I forget he’s practically still a kid. It almost makes me feel bad for making fun of his juvenile naivety. But then he goes and writes a poem that begins with the line “Sunlight falls into the Abyss: Just like i fall into your lips”, and I have to laugh. Yes, he’s only 25 but he’s a married man and I’m a little worried he’s never actually kissed a girl before. Either that, or Hailey Baldwin‘s a soul eating demon whose lips are the mouth of a cavernous hellscape. Although, I suppose both could be true.

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Kanye Went Full-On Kanye In A Twitter Attack On Wiz Khalifa

January 27, 2016 / Posted by:

When God’s god Kanye West announced that he has changed the title of his new album from Swish to Waves, many didn’t like it because “swish” is the sound that a toilet makes when it flushes and that seemed more fitting. Wiz Khalifa also wasn’t happy about Kanye naming his album Waves, because according to the tattooed scarecrow, the words “wave” and “wavy” belong to rapper Max B. I guess you could say that Waves caused waves. I know, I know….

Kanye tweeted “all respect” to Max B when he announced his new album title, but Wiz still wasn’t into it. Wiz told Kanye that he needs to go back to Swish and “hit this KK and become yourself.” Wiz wasn’t talking about Kim Kartrashian when he typed KK, he was talking about his own strain of weed called Khalifa Kush. That tweet still set Kanye off and he went after a trick.

Kanye handed his black unicorn pelt Givenchy fanny pack to North West, pulled off his $2000 army bomber jacket (you know, the one you can get for $35 at the army surplus store) and asked Riccardo Tisci to hand him a bottle of lube before he greased up his face and stepped into the ring. Kanye’s MacBook Air (or whatever he’s using now) is probably lying on a table in the morgue section of the Genius Bar, because he pounded the shit out of it while throwing poetic tweets at Wiz. Many of Kanye’s tweets (which he deleted) are after the cut. Warning: You will overdose on Vitamin D (for delusion) while reading them:

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The Game Is Still Writing Hashtag Erotica And Showing Off His Junk On Instagram

November 14, 2015 / Posted by:

You may remember (“How could I forget?” said everyone who still has the image of The Game’s giant party sub dick seared into their retinas) that two weeks ago, rapper-turned-aspiring fuck prose artiste The Game posted a picture of himself in his underwear to Instagram with a wall of nasty hashtags. Well, I have good news for those of you who looked at The Game’s lycra-wrapped bulge and yelled: “MORE! I DEMAND MORE!!!”; it looks like this is going to be a weekly thing now.

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Words Of Wisdom From Justin Bieber: He Is Not A Taco

September 28, 2015 / Posted by:

Seen above posing as a constipated Douchedini, Justin Bieber did a cover interview with Complex magazine where he naturally burped up a few insufferable dingles. Such as, the Biebs doesn’t think that whole assholetastic “pissing in a janitor bucket” move was a big deal, because the “dude at the club” told him he could do it since the bathroom was far away. But it’s his words about Jesus, Christianity and the universe that really prove to us that he’s not just a little popped anus pimple that refuses to heal. He’s also a spiritual philosopher and deep, deep thinker.

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The Time Tommy Lee Jones Said “I Hate You” To Jim Carrey In The Middle Of A Restaurant

October 29, 2014 / Posted by:

Besides Drew Barrymore and Debi Mazar who were extremely hot as Sugar and Spice, Batman Forever was a neon turd and apparently it was a huge, messy shit show behind-the-scenes too. Ever since that mess came out, there’s been rumors that there was a lot of fighting going on during filming and that Jim Carrey and Tommy Lee Jones got along as well as two Rockaway black bears. Jim Carrey was on Howard Stern (via UsWeekly) yesterday to promote Dumb and Dumber To and the rumors about him scrappin’ with TLJ on the set of Batman Forever came up. Jim Carrey said that yeah, the rumors are true, and then he told a story that should make all of us wish we will get into a fight with TLJ just once. Because he will spew out some poetic hate that will make your soul blossom.

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