Nowadays whenever news about a celebrity’s divorce comes out, you gotta pull out a bottle of holy water-infused Febreze and prepare to spray, because usually some gross shit follows that news. It seems like most celebrities divorces have been getting beyond ugly and Lisa Marie Presley’s divorce is no exception.
Lisa Marie filed for divorce from her Tom-Petty-As-A-Tim-Burton-Villain-looking ass husband, Michael Lockwood, in June after 10 years of being married. Lisa Marie and Michael have twin 8-year-old daughters, Finley and Harper. Those daughters are now in the custody of the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services after Lisa Marie told the authorities that she found disturbing things on Michael’s computer. It was way more disturbing than pictures of Michael in various busted hats. It was allegedly some Subway Jared-type shit. TMZ says that what was found was serious enough for Finley and Harper to be taken away.
Thanks To Jason Momoa And Lisa Bonet, You And Your Piece Now Know What You’re Going To Wear For Halloween
Leave to tall drink of Muscle Milk Jason Momoa and Dorian Gray’s sister Lisa Bonet to show us homely bitches that they are so hot that they’re natural hotness cannot be dimmed by some fucked-up outfits on their bodies.
Panty Creamer Hall of Famer Jason Momoa and Lisa Bonet came out for the Mad Max: Fury Road premiere in L.A. last night to support Zoe Kravitz who’s in that movie. Jason Momoa showed up looking like the owner of an artisanal craft beer brewery in Bushwick who believes that in a past life he was a Wild West train robber and he doesn’t want to ignore that part of his spirit, so that’s why he dresses like that. Lisa Bonet is dressed like an Olsen at a Great Gatsby-themed funeral. While most people wear black to a funeral, the Olsens wear white, because death pleases them.
You too can get these looks. You won’t look 1/1000th as hot, but you’ll still look a mess. To get Jason Momoa’s “leather daddy Zorro” look, just get a summer job in the Knott’s Berry Farm stunt show and keep the costume. To get the other pieces, just ask one of the more stylish hobos in your neighborhood if you can go through his cart and buy some stuff. To get Lisa Bonet’s look, borrow one of your memaw’s church dresses and pair it with your sheepskin rug from Ikea. I know you have one of those things, because EVERYONE has one of those things. You don’t know how many calories I’ve burned from yanking off one of those Ikea sheepskin rugs from a friend’s dining chair to sit down. Everyone thinks their house needs to look like some shit out of Dwell.
Speaking of yanking, here’s a fap-worthy picture of the new Mad Max Tom Hardy wrapping his luscious larva lips around a straw:
The luckiest straw in the world: That straw is.
And here’s more pictures from last night including some of the Gentle Rose of Graceland, Priscilla Presley, looking more naturally beautiful than ever.
After pictures of RPattz riding around in his pickup truck with Lisa Marie Presley’s daughter Riley Keough came out, her “close friend” told The Daily Mail that they have seen a little bit of liquid glitter trickling out of the side of her mouth and that’s because she’s sucked off the sparkle rod.
24-year-old Riley and 27-year-old RPattz first met a few years ago when she played Cherie Currie’s sister in The Runaways, which Kristen Stewart was in. They stayed friendly but didn’t start to really hang out (read: 69 until their parts go raw) until they ran into each other and some Dior event last month. RPattz is currently the face of Dior Homme and Riley used to be the face of Dior Cherie. The Daily Mail says that Riley, who was engaged to Alex Petmyfur at one point, “bears a striking resemble” to KStew. The Daily Mail is so right. If you scrubbed KStew down several times with industrial-strength Zep, changed her face, dyed her hair ginger and I looked at her without my contacts in, she’d totally look like Riley Keough.
The Daily Mail’s source says that Riley and RPattz have only been doing each other for a short time and it’s more of a casual thing than something long-term.
“They’re inseparable. Rob loves the fact that Riley is Elvis’s granddaughter – that’s true Rock’n’Roll royalty in his eyes. [Their relationship is] short-term lust right now rather than long-term love’. Riley was always Kristen’s friend dating back from their time filming The Runaways but recently Rob and Riley been spending much more time together since meeting through their Dior modeling connection and Riley has stayed over at Rob’s Los Feliz apartment. They have a lot in common- they both love LA, London, rock music and table tennis.”
Meanwhile, Kristen Stewart’s emotional scale went from “…. … drool…..” to “AAAAAAAAAHFUCKER” when she found out that Riley’s humping on RPattz. KStew has always felt like Riley’s mentor (???) and she feels violated by RPattz. KStew has every right to feel violated. Finding out that some chick you were in a movie with once is doing your ex-boyfriend is so much worse than finding out that your girlfriend got her coochie munched on by a married man in her Mini Cooper.
But whatever, we all know what’s really going on here. RPattz is obviously just using Riley to get closer to the purest rose of Graceland: PRISCILLA PRESLEY!
He played a vampire in a bunch of dumb movies, she’s a vampire in real life. He can make a Twihard’s coochie explode just by winking and if she had the ability to move her eyelids, she could make a mere mortal’s soul explode just by winking. It’s meant to be.
Every now and again, ageless flower Jennifer Tilly has to remind everyone that Christina Hendricks isn’t the only demure beauty in Hollywood who can suffocate and push up her titty globes so that it looks like she’s smuggling Right Said Fred in her dress. At The Dream Foundation Gala in Santa Barbara, CA on Friday night, Jennifer put her glorious butt cheek chichis on display. Yes, I get seriously hypnotized by a pair of magnificent chichis, but I’m gay, so my eyes still wandered down to her shoes and Jennifer’s shoes are a new kind of fugly.
One of my friends from junior high school invited me over to his grandma’s house after school one day and the first thing she said to me when I walked through her front door was, “Don’t go in my ‘nice’ living room.” I didn’t go in, but I looked in. Grandma watched Anna Karenina way too many times, because her nice living room looked like a low-budget Trading Spaces room inspired by baroque-era Russia. I have never seen so much gold spray paint and so many plastic roses in my life and that’s saying a lot, because I’ve been inside of many Catholic churches in East L.A. Grandma’s room put the BA-ROKE in baroque. Jennifer Tilly’s feet look like grandma’s fancy living room barfed on them.
Even though Jennifer Tilly’s shoes look two baroque dingles, I can’t hate on them fully. Because I’m sure that every time Jennifer took a step in those hideous heels, her chichis bounced slightly and it looked like two clouds blowing in the wind. Those heels are ugly, but they still served the greater good.
Here’s more of Tilly titty’s at the Dream Foundation Gala. Katy Perry and the Plastic Vampiress of Graceland were also there.