The first season of FX’s Feud, which is about the legendary diva battle between Bette Davis and Joan Crawford, doesn’t start airing until this Sunday and we don’t know if it’s a hit or not. But FX has already given Ryan Murphy and company the okay to start working on season two of Feud. I was really hoping that season 2 would be Feud: Shannen and Jennie with Shannen Doherty as Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth as Jennie Garth (hey, if Gabrielle Carteris’ 30-year-old ass got away with playing a high schooler, then Shannen and Jennie can get away with playing their late-teen and twenty-something selves). Sadly, Ryan already said that Bette v. Joan would probably be the only Hollywood feud they cover, so they’re moving on to the royals. And double sadly, they’re not doing Prince George v. EVERYONE.
Shortly after her marriage to Prince Charles crumbled like a pack of clumsy corgis falling down a flight of stairs, Princess Diana had enough anger-type feelings raging through heart to make a sane woman get her Waiting to Exhale on and light a car on fire. According to The Daily Beast, former royal reporter Clive Goodman claimed in court Thursday that she decided to get revenge on Prince Charles not through arson (always a smart choice) but by leaking the personal phone numbers of senior royals.
Goodman said that the high-level phone directory, known as the Green Book, which contained the personal phone numbers of senior royals, was sent under plain cover to his office in an envelope with his name on it. Princess Diana called him in person later that day, asking Goodman whether he received it.
Goodman said, “She was going through a very, very difficult time. She told me she wanted me to see the scale of her husband’s staff and household, compared with others.”
Damn! She leaked The Queen’s phone number because she had like, 3 less housekeepers than her ex-husband? That’s crazy and insane and I LOVE IT, because that’s some down and dirty shade. You’ve got to remember – this was back in the early 90s when changing your phone number was a true pain in the ass. You had to pull the Yellow Pages from the closet, find the number for the phone company, call up the phone company, explain 400 times why you needed a new number, get put on hold for half an hour, nearly lose your damn mind from listening to the muzak version of “Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover” over and over again before getting transferred to Pager Support and hung up on. The only thing more stone cold would have been if Diana had fucked with the satellite dish.
And it’s a good thing this happened in 1992 and not 2014, because Michael K would have ran up $19,000 in long-distance charges from repeatedly calling the Queen. “Hey! I’m a friend of your grandson, Prince Hot Ginge, but I lost his phone number. Do you think I could get that from you? Hello? Hello?”
Because there’s no more NEVER BEFORE SEEN naked pictures of Marilyn Monroe to publish and Rolling Stone stole their Boston Bomber idea, Vanity Fair put the late Princess Diana on the cover of their September issue.
The title of Vanity Fair’s Princess Di piece is, “The Grandmother Prince George Never Knew,” and surprisingly it’s not a fictional story about what kind of memaw she would’ve been. (Newsweek is probably going to do that as a follow-up to their Zombie Princess Diana cover.) VF’s cover story is all about how surgeon Hasnat Khan was the true love of her life and blah blah blah blah blah… VF is covering Princess Di’s relationship with Hasnat Khan, because that movie, starring Naomi Watts, about her life with him comes out in the UK next month.
Some think this is tacky, but I’d rather have a Princess Di cover than a GOOP cover. Lainey says that Vanity Fair wanted to do a cover story about Goopy Paltrow, but she refused to speak to them and pose for them. Nothing is more perfect than a picture of Goopy’s face under the word VANITY, but she doesn’t agree. Apparently, she thinks the magazine is “off-brand” for her now. Goopy is right. I once saw a woman in Tory Burch loafers reading Vanity Fair while sitting in coach (NOT EVEN COACH PLUS!) on a JetBlue flight to Long Beach. Us regulars don’t deserve to read the platinum-covered words of GOOPY! So congrats to us for not getting another cover with Goopy’s face on it and congrats to Vanity Fair for not fitting with Goopy’s brand! (“Michael, you dumb bitch, if Goopy was on the cover of VF, you would’ve gotten a minimum of 18 posts out of it.” – you “I hate the truth.” – me)
It’s one thing to violate the laws of everything by spewing out the words “over the moon,” but it’s an even bigger crime when you stuff that overused phrase in the mouth of a woman who isn’t even here to knee you in the asshole for putting those words in her mouth. Marie Sutton, an evil heart hurter who looks like this, claims to be a close friend of the late Princess Diana, but they obviously weren’t that close if Marie is doing her like this. Marie tells Life & Style that if Princess Diana was alive today, the news that she’s going to be a grandma would’ve made her throw herself over the great big crater in the universe. As the earth rolled from Princess Diana spinning in her grave, Marie said this:
“The pregnancy is just such marvelous news and Diana would be over the moon, absolutely. I think she would have loved Kate – everyone seems to love her, she’s very easy-going and has a beautiful family. I think Diana would have blended in very well with the Middletons.”
We as a people are supposed to evolve and part of evolving is keeping “over the moon” out of our mouths. But instead of doing that, we’re now making people who literally can’t say it, say it! We have got to do better. It’s as if Marie hates Princess Diana. Wait a minute…. Are we sure Life & Style spoke to the actual Marie Sutton? I bet your ass it was Morrissey doing a Marie Sutton voice. Bitch pranked Life & Style. Is there anything he won’t do to fuck with the royal family? Shameless.
Here’s Prince William, whose head is sort of looking like a moon, meeting Cate Blanchett and the rest of the cast of The Hobbit at tonight’s premiere in London.