If you’re an Anglophile or a Royals stan (Britain not Kansas City), you watch The Crown and you’ve been witness to ALL the crazy drama, intrigues, decisions, scandal, and sacrifice that THE QUEEN (aka Queen Elizabeth II) has had to endure, withstand, and triumph over in her long career as HBIC: UK Edition. Plus, her husband seems like he can be a real dick sometimes. She puts up with a lot of shit! And we’re not even getting into what her kids, nieces, nephews, and grandkids got up to when they came of age. Hence, they have a big celebration at Buckingham Palace to honor her birthday. She’s 92 this year, and the parade in her honor is called Trooping the Colour. Basically, the British military puts on their butchest outfits, and marches/rides/flies jets by the palace to pay homage. The Queen responds by dutifully waving and counting the hours until she can get back to The Royal Recliner and continue to binge on The Great British Baking Show.
But this is probably the last year of the monarchy since Duchess Meghan wore an off-shoulder Carolina Herrera dress and her SCANDALOUS bare shoulders are going to destroy the crown!
If you change that sign to read, “Fuck This Shit,” that would be an actual picture of me after aging several decades from staying up all night to watch Prince Hot Ginge marry HER!
Meghan Markle’s wedding aisle escort, her dad Thomas Markle, is currently laid up in the hospital getting his heart operated on, so he can’t walk her down the aisle. (Although, with the way he’s been pulling in-and-out of that wedding, I wouldn’t be surprised if he makes it to London early Saturday morning and Meghan ends up pushing him down the aisle in his hospital bed while wearing her wedding dress.) But the circus must go on. Kensington Palace announced today who will be in PHG and Meghan’s bridal party. Meghan is not making the same mistake Duchess Kate is, which is to put adult women in her bridal party because then one of their asses may upstage her (see: Pippa’s ass). Instead, their bridal party is full of human slobber bags who Prince Philip will definitely blame his mid-wedding farts on.
It’s been about 13 days since the newest future The Crown character (he’ll be played by Sir Patrick Stewart in a onesie, and yes Sir Patrick Stewart will win an Emmy for it) exited out of Duchess Kate’s womb royale, and Kensington Palace has released two new pictures of him on Instagram and Twitter. Prince Louis is looking glazed in the eyes. Either Prince Hot Ginge is standing in front of him and he’s mesmerized by that glorious field of ginger magnificence, or he got high from the paint fumes as Auntie Pippa Middleton gave him a signature Middleton spray tan. That would explain why he’s looking red in the face.
SPOILER ALERT: And the new royal baby looks like… wait for it… wait for it… a baby. Although, the newborn prince looks more peaceful to me than a regular baby, and that’s probably because I know that he’ll never experience the stress that is looking at a credit card bill when the minimum amount due is $39.50 and he’s got $12 in his bank account.
Kensington Palace tweeted out the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s annual Christmas card picture earlier today. I always assumed British Christmas was the same kind we’ve got here across the pond. But based on this picture, I’d think Christmas in the UK is the day your family poses like mannequins in matchy-matchy ensembles for a high-end department store called Christopher Thomas. A store in which all the clothes come in tastefully muted pastels, and the numbers on the price tags have been replaced with the words, “Oh dear, if you have to ask how much it is…”
Back in July during a Royal visit to Poland, Duchess Kate cracked a joke after receiving a sleep toy for an infant that she and Prince William would just have to put the toy to use by having more babies. Well, look who took that joke seriously? Prince William must have dimmed the 16th Century chandeliers, lit a currant scone-scented candle (England’s most sensual candle choice), put on some dancing music, and romanced Duchess Kate into her third baby-making night. That’s totally how it went down, right?