‘Tis the season for me to start getting IM’s messages from friends of yore asking me for my address so I can act surprised when I get a Christmas card in the mail with a picture of them, their spouse I’ve never met, and their “adorable” kids. It’s all so wholesome and earnest, and goes against my core beliefs. Still, I always hold on to them for a couple of weeks because I feel guilty about recycling them immediately. Sadly I didn’t get a text message from Kensington Palace this year, and I really wish I had because there’s nothing wholesome about the tingling sensation Prince William is giving me in his family portrait. If I was on the list, that card would be skipping the mantle and going straight to my bedside table.
Even though Prince George graced Princess Eugenie with his presence at her wedding because he knew he needed to do something to drum up ratings since even the BBC wasn’t wanting to air it. The future King of England is usually a ham when in public, which is refreshing since THE QUEEN isn’t exactly known for making weird noises and faces at anyone unless it’s when Donald Trump keeps her ass waiting around. Anyway, at today’s Eh Royal Wedding between Eugenie and her cousin (distant, but who cares! It’ll never get old!) Jack Brooksbank, George decided to go searching for some royal gold…up his nose.
The Mirror is reporting that the only daughter of Prince William and Duchess Catherine is actually the most high-value child they have, and her worth is higher than her 5-year-old brother Prince George and her barely-out-of-the-royal-vagine younger brother Prince Louis. Little miss Charlotte may be the middle child, but she is stunting on both her brothers.
When fifth-in-line to the crown Prince Louis arrived to St. James’s Palace for his Christening last week, his grand entrance wasn’t so grand. I was expecting some razzle-dazzle, like a Kensington Palace-branded t-shirt gun fired by Unky Harry. But all we got was Duchess Kate carrying a bundle of curtains with a sleeping Prince Louis inside, then later, a partially-awake Prince Louis. Obviously Prince Louis was saving the charm for the official portraits released after the show.
Most of them are staring up at the sky, because above them is a plane carrying a banner that reads: Sorry, Meghan, But Kate’s Dress Sold Out Before Yours. That explains why Duchess Kate is lighting up in the face like, “Check that, bitch, I’ve still got it!”
THE QUEEN wasn’t at her great-grandson Prince Louis’ hazing Christian ceremony yesterday, because well, she’s 92 years old and is tired of sleeping with her eyes open at yet another boring ass baptism. (Even the star of the show, Prince Louis, didn’t stay awake for that bore fest.) But THE QUEEN was back out there today at the 100th birthday celebrations of the Royal Air Force. THE QUEEN and the other ones (I cropped Princess Michael of Kunt out of that top pic because she’s Princess Michael of Kunt) took to the balcony of Buckingham Palace today to watch the RAF centenary, which she didn’t strain her royal neck to see, because she’ll watch it later on YouTube while getting drunk on sloe gin fizzes with her man.
Prince Louis’ eyes aren’t closed because he’s going mimi times. They’re closed because the hideous sight of Duchess Kate’s Jessica McClintock circa 1984 puffy sleeves and the mutilated doves on her head is hurting his poor innocent eyes.
11 weeks after Prince Louis left the royal vagine and entered a luxurious world where he never has to worry about late-fees, parallel parking or pissing in the kitchen sink because his roommate has been in the bathroom forever, he has been christened. Prince Louis was christening at the Chapel Royal in St. James’s Palace in London today. Prince Louis isn’t even 3 months old and I already like him, and only because it was his first day at work as a British royal and he slept on the job. The only shit he has to give is the one he caca’d into his silk poopin’ bloomers.