Everyone better put their pocketbooks in a prayer circle because a treasonous cold is still messing with THE QUEEN (exact medical term for THE QUEEN’s cold: acute viral morrisseyngitis) and she had to sit out of Christmas Day church service for the first time in decades.
So because his 90-year-old great-grandmum wasn’t there to make fun of Duchess Camilla’s tragic hat and ensemble with him, Prince George was probably extra bored. Proof of Prince George’s boredom: that picture above of him having to entertain himself with the candy of the peasants as everyone around him nervously tries to figure out ways to amuse him before he sends them all to the gallows!
The British royal family all got into their best Christmastime Downton Abbey cosplay today to do their annual pap walk into and out of St. Mark’s Church in Englefield, Berkshire. The Middletons, including Pippa and her banker betrothed, were also there. Prince Hot Ginge disappointed me today, because he did not bring his girlfriend Meghan Markle, who I was hoping would show Duchess Kate up by wearing an amazingly elegant body bow, and he also didn’t put that ginger beard to good use by dressing up as Kris Kringle.
But well, at least we have Prince George throwing “your future king is not amused’ eyes while working a sharp-as-shit A-line coat, knee socks and little loafers.
Happy Whatever Your Ass Celebrates, everyone! May you spend your holiday sucking on a candy cane while judging everyone around you!
Duchess Breck Girl and Prince Baldy’s week-long tour through British Columbia ended over the weekend, and Prince George was obviously as thrilled to bid “bye, bitch” to his Canadian subjects as he was to greet them. There are only 4 things listed in the job description of a British royal and they are: smile, wave, always dress like you’re stuck in a “perfect family portrait” that comes with the frame and piss off Morrissey any chance you get. Prince George either got THE QUEEN to scratch off “smile and wave” on his contract or he can’t be bothered to care. I’m going with the second one.
“Wipe that filthy smile off your face, peasant, and get to kissing the ground YOUR MAJESTY just walked on.”
Prince George and his entourage arrived in Canada on Saturday to begin his week-long surveying of the land he will one day rule. Prince George’s trip started off most unpleasant, and it was gracious of him to not immediately send all those Canadian officials to the gallows after declaring war upon the country. When Prince George stepped off of the plane at the airport in British Columbia, he found a sad, sad sight. The people of Canada were not all bowing down in a receiving line and Michael Bublé was not crooning out Prince George’s official entrance song, Move Bitch Get Out Da Way, as servants waited at the bottom of the stairs with giant maple leaves to fan with him.
A hundred years is a long time! There’s a lot you could do in that time. Like go through every page of DListed. Or sample every brand of boxed wine. That’s all I can think of, really. It’s also a big enough number that it warrants a celebration or something special. British Vogue has chosen to commemorate their old ass birthday by having Duchess Kate on their cover. How very patriotic! Well, sort of, it’s not like she’s a princess…
Behold, The British Royals Giving You “Suburban Middle-Class American Family” In Their Christmas Card
If I was a royal, my Christmas card would be me laid out on my throne with my most opulent crown on my head and an “Eat Me, Morrissey” t-shirt on my body, and my butler would be right next to me pouring a stream of taxpayers’ tears into a solid gold goblet. What’s the point of being a rich royal if you’re not going to show out? But Duchess Kate and Prince William want to come off as a ~real~ and ~normal~ family, so for their Christmas card, they rented out a suburban family’s backyard and posed like they were in a Sears Portrait Studio.
This may seem like a regular, boring picture, but there’s a lot going on here. Prince George is working the seams off of those socks and his signature Mary Janes. Not since Cher from Clueless has someone truly owned the socks and Mary Janes look. Duchess Kate is still trying to make the best of those struggle bangs and is saying to herself, “pose like you’re in a Wella Balsam shampoo ad,” over and over again. Prince William looks like he’s trying to squeeze out a royal turd while staring at his son and smiling through the pain of knowing that he will never have a mop like that again.
And speaking of taking a royal turd, Princess Charlotte totally is:
Princess Charlotte is definitely blehehehe-ing on the inside, because she knows her ladies-in-waiting are going to have to work overtime scrubbing royal turds out of her satin bloomers.
Duchess Camilla and her forever tampon of choice also released a picture of their Christmas card to their subjects:
Yeah, I don’t even know why the British royal family bothers releasing these Christmas pictures, because the only one we care about is the one of Prince Hot Ginge wearing a Rudolph cock sock.
“I know! I can’t believe it either! Okay, enough small talk, dog – go fetch me my 17th century ruby teething ring before I have you sent to the gallows.”
The last time we saw Prince George’s little sister, she was a tiny bundle of bald Royal babyness all wrapped up in a fancy-ass lace gown for her christening, and she really didn’t look like much besides a random baby. You could have told me her parents were a corgi and a scone and I’d be like “Sure, I guess I see it.”
That was almost five months ago, and since then, Princess Charlotte has morphed out of her generic baby phase and into her “That’s definitely Prince George’s sister” phase. Kensington Palace tweeted two adorable pictures earlier today of Baby Princess Charlotte that were taken by the unofficial Royal baby photographer, Duchess Kate, at the beginning of November. And, yeah, she’s starting to look like a little person. I’m getting 40% Prince William, 42% Duchess Kate, and 18% Bradford Exchange porcelain doll from my friend’s mom’s bedroom that you were NOT allowed to touch, no matter what, because it was very expensive and cost 4 payments of $39.99.
All of which adds up to a look that says “100% totally unimpressed with the shit my brother is pulling while mommy takes my picture.” Either Princess Charlotte perfect “judging you” face is the result of watching her brother use her favorite Sophie to scratch a clump of corgi poop off his shoe and knowing she can’t say shit because she doesn’t know words yet, or she just watched a hungover Unky Prince Harry use a Victorian urn as a barf bucket. Again.
Pics: Kensington Palace