True story: It was rainy and overcast in London today and just when everyone was about to sing (in their best Alanis Morissette voice), “It’s like raaaaaaaain on your wedding day,” to Meghan Markle, the clouds cleared, the sky turned blue and then sun came out when Oprah appeared!
Oprah was one of the first to show up at St. George’s Chapel for the royal wedding today, which made many brains poot out a “Que?” There’s a rumor that Oprah interviewed Meghan’s mother Doria Ragland, so some think that’s why she was invited to the wedding. But excuse you, while us regular humans may need an invitation to attend something like the royal wedding, Oprah doesn’t. Oprah just shows up and sits wherever she wants. I’d like to see one of those tricks ask Oprah if they can see her invitation. Their skin would end up embedded into the concrete after a lightning bolt from the heavens flattened them.
Oprah pretty much led the non-stop parade of stars that made it through that church today. There were so many celebrities that I thought diabolical red carpet gnome Ryan Seacrest was going to pop up with a mic to asks guests who they’re wearing, I mean, ask them awkwardly worded questions about #MeToo. Warning: Lots of celebrities went to today’s wedding so there’s lot of pictures to scroll through. So stretch your finger, put a workout belt on it, and keep a bottle of water handy for when it gets the heated sweats halfway through and needs to cool off.
The British royal wedding of the century is still over two months away, but I guess the royals are not like my cousin who called me two hours before her courthouse wedding to say, “Bitch, I’m getting married at the courthouse in two hours, do you want to come or what?” Because they’re getting ready to send out invitations, and one of those invitations might not end up in The Original Fergie’s mailbox.
One British tabloid source says that The Original Fergie (seen above next to a dead turkey who crashed into a plate charger on her daughter Princess Bea’s head) was banned by Prince Hot Ginge from attending his wedding. Another British tabloid source says that PHG fought to invite his fellow ginger and won. What is the truth?!
Open Post: Hosted By Prince Hot Ginge And Meghan Markle Going To Pre-Christmas Lunch At THE QUEEN’s House
Meghan Markle reportedly has to take lessons on how to act like a British royal, but judging by that picture above, she should be the one teaching Prince Hot Ginge a lesson. Specifically, a lesson on how to serve FACE while dozens of paps are snapping at you. Because while Meghan is delivering serene beauty-campaign-ready face, PHG looks like the cops just caught his drunk ass taking a dump in the bushes. And yes, I still would (no scat queen).
PHG, Meghan, Duchess Kate, Prince William, Prince George, Prince Charles, Duchess Camilla, Princess Beatrice and some others who don’t matter were all summoned to Buckingham Palace today for THE QUEEN’s annual pre-Christmas family lunch. The entire family showed up because: a) It’s their job and they have to. And b) Who wouldn’t want to snuggle on the floor of Buckingham Palace’s ballroom with a Corgi after doing gin shots with THE QUEEN?
But seriously, if THE QUEEN is anything like my abuelita, which she’s not duh, but if she was, she would’ve spent approximately 8 minutes at that little pre-Christmas lunch. As soon as the food was brought out, she’d make herself a plate and go to her room to watch her stories. But before she left, she’d tell everyone to leave her Christmas presents on the kitchen counter…and don’t forget to leave the receipt too, bitch!
Ed Sheeran almost got interesting earlier this month when he took a sword right to the face. Britain’s chastest pop star was hanging out with Princess Beatrice, James Blunt, and his girlfriend (maybe wife?) Cherry Seaborn at the Princess’s palace when James suggested that he’d like to be knighted. Wacky hijinks ensue!