On this Christmas Day (otherwise known as Annual Gross Lovey Dovey Couples Hijacking Jesus’ Born Day By Announcing They Got Engaged Day), Prince Hot Ginge, Duchess Meghan, Prince William, and Duchess Kate did their second annual foursome strut to St. Mary Magdalene Church in Sandringham, only this time they were all probably thinking to themselves, “Smile something extra to kill those goddamn tabloids rumors.” Why do I have a feeling that before their little PR sashay to church, THE QUEEN texted all of them and recited Rose McGowan’s speech from Jawbreaker when she said, “You all are going to walk into that church and strut your shit down the hallway like everything is peachy fucking keen, get it?”
Even though Prince George graced Princess Eugenie with his presence at her wedding because he knew he needed to do something to drum up ratings since even the BBC wasn’t wanting to air it. The future King of England is usually a ham when in public, which is refreshing since THE QUEEN isn’t exactly known for making weird noises and faces at anyone unless it’s when Donald Trump keeps her ass waiting around. Anyway, at today’s Eh Royal Wedding between Eugenie and her cousin (distant, but who cares! It’ll never get old!) Jack Brooksbank, George decided to go searching for some royal gold…up his nose.
Princess Beatrice stole the show, fashion-wise, at Duchess Kate and Prince William’s wedding back in 2011 when she showed up wearing a hat that looked like one of The Queen’s more decorative toilet seat covers. There must be something in Bea’s DNA that inspires some truly wonky formal hat choices. Because Fergie did not disappoint in the hat department on the wedding day of her daughter Princess Eugenie today.
True story: It was rainy and overcast in London today and just when everyone was about to sing (in their best Alanis Morissette voice), “It’s like raaaaaaaain on your wedding day,” to Meghan Markle, the clouds cleared, the sky turned blue and then sun came out when Oprah appeared!
Oprah was one of the first to show up at St. George’s Chapel for the royal wedding today, which made many brains poot out a “Que?” There’s a rumor that Oprah interviewed Meghan’s mother Doria Ragland, so some think that’s why she was invited to the wedding. But excuse you, while us regular humans may need an invitation to attend something like the royal wedding, Oprah doesn’t. Oprah just shows up and sits wherever she wants. I’d like to see one of those tricks ask Oprah if they can see her invitation. Their skin would end up embedded into the concrete after a lightning bolt from the heavens flattened them.
Oprah pretty much led the non-stop parade of stars that made it through that church today. There were so many celebrities that I thought diabolical red carpet gnome Ryan Seacrest was going to pop up with a mic to asks guests who they’re wearing, I mean, ask them awkwardly worded questions about #MeToo. Warning: Lots of celebrities went to today’s wedding so there’s lot of pictures to scroll through. So stretch your finger, put a workout belt on it, and keep a bottle of water handy for when it gets the heated sweats halfway through and needs to cool off.
The British royal wedding of the century is still over two months away, but I guess the royals are not like my cousin who called me two hours before her courthouse wedding to say, “Bitch, I’m getting married at the courthouse in two hours, do you want to come or what?” Because they’re getting ready to send out invitations, and one of those invitations might not end up in The Original Fergie’s mailbox.
One British tabloid source says that The Original Fergie (seen above next to a dead turkey who crashed into a plate charger on her daughter Princess Bea’s head) was banned by Prince Hot Ginge from attending his wedding. Another British tabloid source says that PHG fought to invite his fellow ginger and won. What is the truth?!
Open Post: Hosted By Prince Hot Ginge And Meghan Markle Going To Pre-Christmas Lunch At THE QUEEN’s House
Meghan Markle reportedly has to take lessons on how to act like a British royal, but judging by that picture above, she should be the one teaching Prince Hot Ginge a lesson. Specifically, a lesson on how to serve FACE while dozens of paps are snapping at you. Because while Meghan is delivering serene beauty-campaign-ready face, PHG looks like the cops just caught his drunk ass taking a dump in the bushes. And yes, I still would (no scat queen).
PHG, Meghan, Duchess Kate, Prince William, Prince George, Prince Charles, Duchess Camilla, Princess Beatrice and some others who don’t matter were all summoned to Buckingham Palace today for THE QUEEN’s annual pre-Christmas family lunch. The entire family showed up because: a) It’s their job and they have to. And b) Who wouldn’t want to snuggle on the floor of Buckingham Palace’s ballroom with a Corgi after doing gin shots with THE QUEEN?
But seriously, if THE QUEEN is anything like my abuelita, which she’s not duh, but if she was, she would’ve spent approximately 8 minutes at that little pre-Christmas lunch. As soon as the food was brought out, she’d make herself a plate and go to her room to watch her stories. But before she left, she’d tell everyone to leave her Christmas presents on the kitchen counter…and don’t forget to leave the receipt too, bitch!