Whenever I feel every kind of pathetic while cuddling and whispering sweet nothings into my DIY Prince Hot Ginge Real Doll (read: a white body pillow covered with orange Sharpie-made freckles, the scent of vodka, and topped with an orange yarn mop and bottomed with a carrot dildo), I’m going to think of the way-too-grown-for-this-shit men who once again (I think they did this with Princess Charlotte and Prince George) stood outside of the Lindo Wing with nightmare-inducing royal baby dolls for 15 days while waiting for Duchess Kate to give birth. Okay, no, I’m still more pathetic than them.
In my head, meals with the royal family revolve around whatever THE QUEEN is babbling about (depending on where she is in her daily gin progression) along with Duchess Kate and Meghan Markle throwing verbal daggers at each other, largely focused on which one was able to cause J. Crew’s website to crash that day over her respective coat selection. Alas, the real aggression might not be coming from the commoners. It could be from Prince Charles to his son Prince William. Continue reading
THE QUEEN loves to guzzle down the sweet nectar, so I figured that she spent many a night bonding with her ginger grandson by doing shots of the good stuff in between crank calling Camilla and gently putting Prince Philip’s hand in warm water after he passes out on a pile of Corgis in the corner of the throne room. So I always figured that Prince Hot Ginge was the ginger apple of THE QUEEN’s eye, and it was 100% confirmed this morning when her official announcement of consent was released.
If you’re thinking to yourself, “Um, you dumb fuck, that’s a beret,” then I want to welcome you, first-time reader, to Dlisted, where I tell “jokes” that would even make an 8-year-old Adam Sandler fan say, “Grow up, bitch!”
Meghan Markle continued her new job of wearing hats to events today by joining Prince Hot Ginge, Prince William, Duchess Kate, THE QUEEN, Prince Charles, possible future Queen Camilla, and Liam Payne (???) at Commonwealth Day church service at Westminster Abbey. It was supposedly Meghan’s highest-profile event because THE QUEEN was there. So THE QUEEN saw Meghan in action, and I’m sure that after church, she passed Meghan a report card that read: “F minus for wearing a giant white tit on your head. The only giant white tit I want to see at these things is my son Charles.”
People says that Meghan paired her Stephen Jones beret, which is her way of paying homage to her man’s mother Princess Diana, with a $1,200 Amanda Wakeley coat and some navy dress. But really, who cares about some boring clothes when Prince Hot Ginge was there and he did this (I cropped out the children because they were ruining the picture):
And Meghan and PHG weren’t the only members of the royal family who wore navy. They all did (Meghan and Duchess Kate even wore the same navy heels. There must’ve been a 2-for-1 special). Well, all of them except for THE QUEEN. I’d like to think that THE QUEEN told everyone that on Commonwealth Day they wear navy, and then she showed up in burgundy. That’s how a QUEEN reminds the lessers that she’s QUEEN.
The Oscar’s British cousin, the BAFTAs, were held last night in London. The BAFTAs decided to adopt this year’s unofficial dress code from the Golden Globes, which was to wear black in support of the Time’s Up movement. And just like the Golden Globes, some guests didn’t really do the all-black dress code. But the person who broke the code wasn’t an actress with a lone IMDB credit who was hoping to trend on Twitter.
Now that Duchess Kate has competition in the race for Miss Kensington Palace, she can’t waste even her time with a bun in the oven to out-shine that Yankee Doodle. At least, that’s what I’m telling myself is the reason she decided to wear the hat she stole off a drag queen in Moscow to greet the plebes, er, people of Norway.
Kate and Prince William greeted Queen Sonja and Princess Ingrid under an inflated rainbow that looks like something the Norwegians found on eBay after it had been discarded from the set of a 1997 Gap commercial. Queen S (and just about anyone else who turned out to greet the Brit duo) is totally thinking, “Bish, it ain’t that cold.” If anything, she should have passed that thing over to her husband, as his crown looks like it needs it more warmth than her head. People says the visit is part of a tour of Scandinavia that included lunch at the royal palace. Too bad Meghan Markle wasn’t around, because as an American, she would’ve served her country proud by asking the Norwegians if any of them know Rose Nylund. I definitely would have asked that.
As for the rainbow park, it’s actually known as the Princess Ingrid Alexandra Sculpture Park and opened last year in honor of the 25th year of King Harald’s reign. The sculptures are designed by and for children, which I hope Kate knew before she gave that dazed look of, “Is this Norway or is this Chuck E. Cheese?”