Duchess Breck Girl and Prince Baldy’s week-long tour through British Columbia ended over the weekend, and Prince George was obviously as thrilled to bid “bye, bitch” to his Canadian subjects as he was to greet them. There are only 4 things listed in the job description of a British royal and they are: smile, wave, always dress like you’re stuck in a “perfect family portrait” that comes with the frame and piss off Morrissey any chance you get. Prince George either got THE QUEEN to scratch off “smile and wave” on his contract or he can’t be bothered to care. I’m going with the second one.
Prince William and Duchess Kate, the hardest working Brits in the universe, are still working hard on their week-long tour through British Columbia, and yesterday, they rewarded themselves for all the labor they’ve done by filling their royal mouths with dick… shaped…. clams. Duchess Kate apparently has a rule where she doesn’t eat at public events, because she doesn’t want the photographers getting jacked-up pictures of her looking like she just tasted rotten spooge (see: jacked-up pictures below of DK looking like she just tasted rotten spooge). But Duchess Kate broke that rule at The Taste of British Columbia Festival in Kelowna when she and her man were served delicacies like geoduck. In case you don’t already know, geoduck is more like geoDICK, because it looks like this:
Duchess Kate nibbled on it a bit and probably made reporters choke on the laughs they had to keep down when she said this about it:
“There is a slightly firmer texture to this. It’s really unusual. I’ve never seen it before. It’s so fresh from the sea.”
Duchess Kate and Prince William really need to take a master class in how to royal from Prince Hot Ginge. Because if PHG was at this event, he would’ve given the people what we really want by licking the tip of a geoduck while winking. A real seasoned and professional royal cares about the people and cares enough about them to give them fapping material!
“Wipe that filthy smile off your face, peasant, and get to kissing the ground YOUR MAJESTY just walked on.”
Prince George and his entourage arrived in Canada on Saturday to begin his week-long surveying of the land he will one day rule. Prince George’s trip started off most unpleasant, and it was gracious of him to not immediately send all those Canadian officials to the gallows after declaring war upon the country. When Prince George stepped off of the plane at the airport in British Columbia, he found a sad, sad sight. The people of Canada were not all bowing down in a receiving line and Michael Bublé was not crooning out Prince George’s official entrance song, Move Bitch Get Out Da Way, as servants waited at the bottom of the stairs with giant maple leaves to fan with him.
“Hmmm….something in the milk is POISON!” – that dog, who obviously knows what’s up and knows that Prince George cannot be trusted!
The heir to the British throne turns 3 years old today, and so Kensington Palace celebrated by gifting the eyes of his loyal subjects with cute pictures they tweeted. But well, behind one of those pictures is darkness and cruelty. Some look at the picture of Prince George and Lupo Middleton Mountbatten-Windsor above and say to themselves, “Awww, look at the widdle prince giving a widdle ice cweam to the widdle doggy.” But others look at that picture and see attempted pooch murder!
The Guardian says that that a few messes on Twitter are jokingly (I hope) calling for Prince George to be imprisoned for animal cruelty. Prince George is supposedly offering his doggy-in-waiting a taste of a white chocolate ice cream bar. Chocolate is to dogs what an Iggy Azalea song is to ears. It’s painful poison. Some dogs are also hit with a case of dogarrhea when they eat diary. That picture is so serious that the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals released this statement about it:
“It is lovely that Prince George is trying to help keep his family dog, Lupo, cool in these high temperatures. We would advise people to be cautious when giving their dogs food meant for human consumption as some items, like chocolate, can be highly toxic to dogs and dairy items can be difficult for them to digest.
Instead of ice-cream we would suggest making an ice lolly from pet-friendly ingredients. Making these can be really fun for children and the end product is both safe and enjoyable for dogs.”
Prince George has yet to respond to this himself because he’s only 3 and doesn’t understand all those words. Or because he’s busy instructing his staff to set up a white chocolate ice cream stand in a dog park. Yeah, that’s probably it.
And here’s more pictures of the miniature Christopher Robin busting out J. Crew Kids catalog poses while wearing “bargain birthday outfits” (FYI: People considers a $36 toddler t-shirt a bargain.) in his birthday pictures, as well as pictures from earlier this month of Prince George waving at his haters before taking his flying royal chariot up in the air to survey his land.
Prince Hot Ginge once allegedly told a gay dude that he’d give him a call if he “changes his mind about women,” and I remember that quote as though I just read it 2 minutes ago, because I did just read it 2 minutes ago. It’s tattooed over my right nipple so I read it while giving myself a quickie whore bath in the sink this morning. So PHG would obviously be my first choice for the first British royal to grace the cover of a gay magazine. THE QUEEN in Dame Edna drag would be my second choice. Prince William would probably be my 5th choice after the fallen Duchess Fergie in a rainbow flag and all of THE QUEEN’s Corgis, but I’ll gladly take it.
Today is the 95th birthday of Prince Philip, the British royal family’s messiest old coot, so everyone in England should be celebrating his special day by airing out their huevos or chochas in a kilt while offending people and cursing tricks out. But that’s not happening, because everyone is too busy celebrating the anniversary of THE QUEEN’s born day again. Prince Hot Ginge’s abuelita turned 90 in April, but when you come out of a royal cooch with a tiara on your head, you get two birthday celebrations.