After spending the last several weeks hunched over one of the gem-encrusted golden toilets at Kensington Palace barfing her knocked-up guts out, Duchess Kate is finally well enough to slip on a pair of pantyhose and pull out the eyeliner and return to work. Praise be to the pregnancy gods! It’s been too long since Duchess Kate smiled and waved and wore a silly little hat and wore an outfit that sold out in 0.03 seconds! Curse you, hyperemesis gravidarum, you Harry Potter-sounding hurl-making killjoy!
The Daily Mail says that Kate’s first job back from sick leave was to pack up the royal fetus in a fancy Alexander McQueen coat and join Prince William at Buckingham Palace to install new drywall in the den and re-paint the powder room. No! It was to welcome the President of Singapore and his wife. They shook hands! They drank tea! Duchess Kate tried very hard to keep from using her tiny hat as a makeshift barf bag! Meanwhile, Prince Harry was also chilling out in Buckingham Palace with a case of the sicks too, but it was because one of the guards dared him to chug 6 Jägerbombs and play spinny bat with St. Edward’s Sceptre the night before.
After they met with the President of Singapore, Kate and Will then whistled for the valet to bring around their horse-drawn whip and they went home. Phew! What a day! Sounds exhausting. But really, all sarcasm aside, I’m sure it was exhausting. Have you ever tried to work with a case of the barfs? It’s fucking DIFFICULT! And I’ve heard that morning sickness is like a hangover dry humped food poisoning, so I bet Kate was working overtime to make sure she didn’t blow crumpet chunks on the President or his wife.
Here’s more of Kate and William working 9 to 5 (9:00am to 9:05am). Fun Fact! Kate is about 13 weeks pregnant, which means that judging by the size of her tummy bump, that puts my bloated cheeseburger locker at around 24 weeks. Congratulations to me!
Kensington Palace Says That Duchess Kate Will Birth Out Her Second Fancy Royal Baby Sometime In April
I’m not sure what Prince Harry, Duchess Kate, and Prince William are looking at in this picture, but whatever it is, it’s giving them the same glazed-over look in their eyes I get when I look at a picture of the Royal Family that doesn’t include Baby Prince George or The Queen’s loyal army of corgis, aka the REAL STAHS of that family. Maybe I’ll Photoshop a corgi perching on Prince William’s shoulder (like a pirate with a parrot) later.
Speaking of Baby Prince George, he only has about 5 months left of struttin’ around the house like he owns the place (even though he technically owns the place). The Telegraph says that Kensington Palace has confirmed that Duchess Kate’s second FRF (fancy royal fetus) is due sometime in April. They also said she still has a case of the sicks, but she’s hurling a lot less than she was in the beginning of her pregnancy. Less hurling? Party on, Kate!
The arrival of Duchess Kate’s FRF in April means there’s a 1 in 30 chance it could be born on either The Queen’s 89th birthday (April 21st) or Kate and William’s 4th wedding anniversary (April 29th). Sorry, did I say 1 in 30? I meant a snowball’s chance in hell, cause ain’t no fancy royal baby stealing The Queen’s thunder on her own birthday! I bet The Queen has instructed her thuggiest corgi to make sure Kate doesn’t go into labor anywhere near April 21st by crawling up the royal cooch and telling that baby to stay put or else. But if by some unholy miracle the baby is born on The Queen’s birthday, she can always use her Queenly powers to change the hour of the baby’s birth into a new day, like April 21.5 or April-ish. Problem solved!
In case you couldn’t tell by the sound of Morrissey squealing with joy, Duchess Kate’s got another royal growing in her uterus. We all better start building up our endurance and training to not blink for hours on end, because soon we’ll all be spending every moment of our day staring at that damn fucking door while watching St. Mary’s Hospital live feed.
Clarence House announced this morning that Prince William busted a raw royal nut all over Duchess Kate’s royal ovaries and one stuck. Duchess Kate is knocked up with the fourth in line to the throne and more importantly, she’s knocked up with another kid who gets to learn from the master, Prince Hot Ginge, how to butt chug vodka in the Buckingham Palace powder room so THE QUEEN won’t be able to smell booze on their breath. Just like the last time, Duchess Kate has got the morning barfs in a major way so she had to call in sick to her job today and she’s not even at the 12-week mark yet.
Their Royal Highnesses The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are very pleased to announce that The Duchess of Cambridge is expecting their second child.
The Queen and members of both families are delighted with the news.
As with her first pregnancy, The Duchess is suffering from Hyperemesis Gravidarum. Her Royal Highness will no longer accompany The Duke of Cambridge on their planned engagement in Oxford today. The Duchess of Cambridge is being treated by doctors at Kensington Palace.
Congratulations to Duchess Kate, because now she’s really done her job to the fullest by giving the royal family an heir AND a spare. Congratulations to Prince Hot Ginge, because now he’s even further away from the throne. And congratulations to Baby Prince George, because soon he’ll have a little brother or sister to slap around and steal toys from.
And condolences to all you Brits, because now you’ll have to get a second or third job to pay for that baby.
Exactly one year ago today, a bunch of us dumb shits spent way too much time staring at a stupid, ugly door and waiting for it to open while a lucky lottery winner was born into a world where he’ll never know what the phrase “the rent is due” means, he’ll never see an overdue bill and he’ll do his first vodka shot out of an Eastern European cocktail waitress’ belly button as Uncle Hot Ginge cheers him on. Usually when it’s someone’s birthday, you get them gifts, but since the royal family are so giving and have charitable hearts, they gave the peasants new pictures of the future King of England. A couple of days ago, they gifted the eyes of their people with a picture of Baby Prince George that was taken before he bum rushed a photographer Kanye-style. Yesterday, they released two more pictures of Prince William, his receding hairline twin Baby Prince George and Duchess Kate at the butterfly exhibit of London’s Natural History Museum. That picture looks like a generic picture you’d find in a gold frame at the Hallmark store. They look too perfect. Even the Heart Family is saying, “Ugh, their perfection creeps us out!”
That baby drool on Duchess Kate’s dress is a nice touch, but it doesn’t fool me. It’s supposed to make them look like every other normal, average family, but you know it took 6 assistants, 2 bottles of organic oil, 2 electric fans and 3 paint brushes to make that perfectly sized baby drool stain on her dress. Even though that baby drool stain is some royal STUNT QUEEN shit, the baby drool broach will still become the #1, must-have fashion accessory of the year. Everyone’s going to work a baby drool stain. You should drool out as much drool as you can now, because it’s only a matter of time before drool sells out and becomes extinct.
And I’m no butterfly body language expert, but I’m pretty sure that poor butterfly is trying to say “ayúdame!” with its wings, because it knows that if it accidentally throws the wrong look at Baby Prince George, part of its wings will end up in his baby fits and its head will end up at the bottom of his stomach.
Happy birfday, Baby Prince George! I’m sure your #1 fan Morrissey is celebrating your special day by throwing a party for his cats in your honor.
When Baby Prince George was just crawling around and didn’t know how to use his legs to walk yet, he was stealing toys, slapping other children and leaving a pile of smoking destruction wherever he went. There’s a room in the dungeon under Buckingham Palace where all the skeletons of his victims and the toys he stole are stored and every time someone asks THE QUEEN about it, she shrugs and says, “Oh, future kings will be future kings.” So now that Baby Prince George can walk, we’re all doomed and there’s no limit to the destruction he can cause. Everybody ruuuuuuuun! Okay, first you can awww at his pudgy cheeks and little baby outfit and then ruuuuuuuuuuun for your lives!
Baby Prince George’s birthday is on Tuesday, so to celebrate the one year anniversary of the day that Baby Prince George was pulled out of Duchess Kate’s royal vagine, she and Prince William released this picture of him walking around a butterfly exhibit at the Natural History Museum in London a little over two weeks ago. Yes, Duchess Kate and Prince William are just like your neighbors who give you a picture of their baby on their baby’s first birthday. You stick that picture on the side of your refrigerator with a magnet your mom got you during her trip to Las Vegas. You’ll eventually replace that picture when you need space to put a menu from that Thai restaurant you order from all the time.
John Stillwell of the Press Association took the picture and he tells People that after this picture was taken, Baby Prince George viciously attacked him, basically:
“He’s quick on his feet. He was walking towards me – I was kneeling down to take the picture and he was on top of me as soon as he started walking. He was very quick. He looked really steady on his feet.”
But was he quick? I don’t think John told us that.
AFP says that everyone is going to run out and get the outfit that Prince George is wearing, because he’s a fashion icon. To which I say, AHAHAHAHA. Baby Prince George is barely a year old! I doubt anybody is copying his look. A style icon? That’s crazy. That’s insane. (Cut to me later tonight furiously searching Amazon for black leather nun shoes in men’s size 9 and blue striped OshKosh overalls in toddler size XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL).
And here’s some pictures of Baby Prince George’s daddy and hot ginger uncle throwing side-eyes (see: Prince William), giving everyone the swoons (see: PHG) and working hard for that benefits money at the Queen’s Young Leaders Programme Launch in London on July 10th.
Duchess Kate kept her hand firmly planted on her stomach during Saturday morning’s ribbon-cutting ceremony for the Yorkshire leg of the Tour de France, which either means she’s knocked-up with the second future fetus king or she’s got a major case of gut rot. Kate covered her belly the whole time, which is usually a sign that it’s time to plug in the Corgi’s Choice Royal Ultrasound Kit (available at your local Tesco!) but I wouldn’t put it past that devious Kate-hating Queen to sneak some Ex-Lax into Kate’s morning crumpet so that she’d get the shits and have to stay home. Personally, I want to believe it’s gas; it’s more fun to imagine Buckingham Palace Barbie pretending to cough in an attempt to mask the sound of noisy gut burps.
Not to mention that Baby Prince George is a jealous baby who would rather take a bilby bite to the shin than share the spotlight with another royal rug rat, so he’s probably trained the Queen’s smartest corgi to replace Duchess Kate’s prenatal vitamins with birth control pills. It’s not a fool-proof plan, but at least it will buy him some time to research how to perform a DIY vasectomy on his Leap Pad. “There’s only one Baby Prince and it’s Baby Prince George, dammit!” he says, as he soaks his blankie in chloroform.
Here’s more of Duchess Kate with her hand glued to her stomach at the Yorkshire leg of the Tour de France. She even cut the ribbon with one hand! Who does this trick think she is, Dudley the Dragon? Speaking of puppets, what in the name of Howdy Doody is going on with Prince Hot Ginge’s pants? I assume he’s wearing those shapeless disasters after arriving in a pair of nut-hugging spandex bike shorts and being told to change because the cyclists found his Yorkshire Pudding bulge too distracting.
Welsh artist Dan Llywelyn Hall should be the only artist allowed to paint the portraits of the British royal family, because he really uses his paintbrush to capture the beauty, spirit and charisma of the royals. Dan’s portrait of THE QUEEN was praised as an artistic achievement, because he made her look like George Bush in drag holding in a butt queef. Nobody thought that Mr. Hall could top himself, but he did. He’s done it again!
Dan Llywelyn Hall, who will probably be executed by the royal family any day now, unveiled his portrait of Prince William and surprisingly it’s not titled, “Smellin’ Farts.” The portrait titled “Fatherhood” shows the second-in-line to the throne looking like he’s about to lick a window or catch a fly with his mouth. It’s absolutely stunning. Mr. Hall made Prince William look like a misshapen and melting white yam with rosacea and skid mark eyebrows. Prince William looks so powerful and so regal and he’s staring off into the distance while thinking to himself, “Durrrrrrrrrrrrr.” It’s as if he’s pondering his future as the King of England or like he just got a glimpse of Duchess Camilla’s thong as her dress blew up.
My only problem with this portrait is that he’s got way too much hair and not enough teef. The hair to teeth ratio is way off and needs to be reversed. Other than that, it’s the spitting image of Prince William and it should be made into a flag and that flag should be flown above Buckingham Palace.
Here’s more of Prince William’s perfect portrait and pictures of him and Duchess Kate at Wimbledon yesterday.
£4 Million Of UK Taxpayer Money Went To Renovating Duchess Kate And Prince William’s Royal Palace Apartment
All of you taxpaying peasants in the UK better get a second and/or third job, because Duchess Kate and Prince William’s royal apartment at Kensington Palace was covered with asbestos and hos needed a new kitchen and all of that cost a lot of cheese. The Daily Mail says that the Kensington Palace apartment, which used to belong to Princess Margaret, was transformed last year into Duchess Kate and Prince William’s new house and renovations were supposed to cost taxpayers ONLY £1 Million. But the budget ballooned to the size of my swollen nipples whenever I see pictures of Prince Hot Ginge, because Duchess Kate and Prince William added a new kitchen with top-of-the-line appliances, bigger closets and a nursery for Baby Prince George. The budget has gone from £1 Million to £4 Million. If you’re in London, point your binoculars at the sky to watch Morrissey’s head fly through the night after his body combusts from hearing this news.
According to the BBC, the apartment was a mess. The electricity was janky, there was no running water and it had asbestos. So basically it was like my first apartment in NYC. They redid all of the electrical and put on a new roof. A spokeswhore for Kensington Palace says that Duchess Kate and Prince William are not extravagant whores and they didn’t get gold toilets and bidets that clean their royal assholes with champagne. They paid for their own curtains and furnishings and the apartment really needed a complete overhaul since it hasn’t been renovated since the 1960s. The rep spit this out:
“This is the duke and duchess’s one and only official residence. It is here that they plan to stay for many, many years to come. We also had to take into account the fact that Kensington Palace is a scheduled ancient monument, and all elements of the refurbishment had to be agreed with English Heritage. The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge paid privately for all the internal furnishings, including carpets and curtains. They were also at pains to ensure that the specification is not extravagant.”
If THE QUEEN wants her subjects to stop screaming “VIVA LA REVOLUTION!” and to stop leaving bags of flaming Corgi shit on her front door every time stories like this come out, she should’ve found another way to pay for the renovations. She should’ve called ABC and Ty Pennington and pitched them a very special episode of Extreme Makeover: Palace Edition. Ty Pennington would’ve torn that palace down and replaced it with a cookie cutter modular home with a kitchen by Sears in it. It would’ve been beautiful! And if THE QUEEN really wanted to make some easy money, she’d turn Prince Hot Ginge’s apartment into a webcam dorm. I’m pulling out my credit card just thinking about it…
And if he could really speak words, he’d scream, “I’m sending you to the gallows! Do not disobey your future king!” Those future kings of England grow up so fast.
It’s really hard out there for a baby prince, because Duchess Kate and Prince William dragged him out on a goddamn Sunday to entertain his subjects at some polo game at the Cirencester Park Polo Club, Cirencester, Gloucestershire, UK. Who ever says that those royals are nothing but mooches who suck in the wallets of the taxpayers obviously don’t know that the baby prince works on the weekends. As Prince Hot Ginge made me jealous of a horse’s back by putting his crotch on it while playing polo with his brother, Baby Prince George cried at his mom (who was dressed up like a WASPY Park Slope mother with a J. Crew card that has a $10,000 limit), made friends with a ball, had a premonition that one day he’ll rule all those hos and then probably pulled off a horse’s tail because he can.
And Baby Prince George did it all while wearing sharp-as-fuck pink overalls and nun shoes. Only the future King of England could pull off pink overalls and nun shoes. Tommy Girl is probably furiously searching to see if they still have those pink overalls in his size (which is the same size as Baby Prince George), but he’s wasting his time. Those overalls sold out before Baby Prince George even stepped out of his palace. Blue Ivy wish she had that impact.
Eli Ross, a reporter for ABC24, tweeted this picture on Sunday of Prince William’s bald head royale sitting under the lights in COACH while traveling from Memphis to Dallas after Guy Pelly’s wedding. Yes, Prince William is really the people’s prince and just like the rest of us peasants he loses the feeling in his lower half as he’s squeezed into coach. Or maybe, this is some damage control shit and this picture wasn’t taken in the actual coach section of an actual airplane. It was taken on a set and this is just a fake coach section on a fake airplane and he really flew back home from Memphis on a gold-covered private jet that was paid for by the taxpayers.
As for Prince Hot Ginge, he got to Dallas by riding on the back of a Harley and as he sang out, “Born To Be Wild,” he took swigs from a flask full of whiskey and tore off his shirt so his ginger nipples could breathe in the wild, wild air.