Category: Prince William

Duchess Kate Jokes That Prince William Should Wear An Alpaca Wool Hairpiece

April 18, 2014 / Posted by:

WATCH IT U PEASANT-BLOODED SIMPLETON BITCH!” is probably a text that Duchess Kate got from THE QUEEN this morning after she joked about Prince William’s bald head during their visit to the Sydney Royal Easter Show as part of their government-paid vacation through New Zealand and Australia.

The other day when Duchess Kate wore a bright ass yellow dress, Prince William joked that it made her look like a giant banana. Approximately an hour later, costume stores all over the world reported that banana suits were sold out, because thousands of women want to dress like a Breck Girl who got famous for marrying a dude who got famous for being born. Today at the Sydney Royal Easter show, it was Duchess Kate’s turn to yank at Prince William’s dick in front of everyone. While looking at alpaca wool, Duchess Kate joked that Prince William should get a hairpiece made out of that shit. via People:

“The prince was interested in the alpaca, and as I showed it to them, the princess said he should put it on his head,” show exhibitor Lyn Crejan said. “She said, ‘You need it more than me’ and pointed to his head, and he laughed.”

I used my advanced Photoshop skills to copy and paste a plop of alpaca wool on Prince Willy’s head and I have to agree with Duchess Kate. Without the wool merkin, his head looks like a fuzzy goiter. But with the wool merkin, he looks like a potato in costume as Harpo Marx. Truly the look. Even that ram is into it. If that picture moved, you’d see that ram’s crotch sack tingling and shivering over Prince William’s sexiness.

There was also a pumpkin decorating contest at the Easter Show and of course, this one won:

duchesskatepumpking1

Just. NO. Throw a match at it! Who ever is responsible for that terrifying pumpkin should have to undergo a psychiatric evaluation, because there’s obviously something wrong with them. By the way, an hour after that picture made the media rounds, farmers and grocery stores reported that they were all sold out of pumpkins. But you probably already figured that.

And here’s Duchess Kate and Prince William a little later on in the day at Manly Beach, which should be renamed False Advertising Beach, because where’s the manly mens?

Pics: Bauer GriffinWenn.com

“I’m So Crown, Bow Down, Bitches!”

April 16, 2014 / Posted by:

After ruling over the peasant babies of New Zealand and letting them know that yes, he’ll take their toys, and no, they won’t say shit about it, the most powerful baby in Britain, whose shits have more say than the Prime Minister, landed in Sydney today. Peasant babies of Australia, hide yo toys!

Baby Prince George and his two mere escorts, Duchess Kate and Prince William, are into week two of their all-expenses government-paid vacation masquerading as work and today they started the Australian leg of their tour. (You’re not alone if your brain immediately ejaculates up the image of Chris Hemsworth’s thighs when you read the words “Australian leg.”) Royal clothes hanger Duchess Kate wore a yellow dress that your mother will wear to Easter mass this Sunday if your mother is a WASPY, Buick Regal-driving type who gets “Allison Sugarbaker” when she takes Buzzfeed’s “Which Designing Woman Are You?” quiz. I’m joking about your mom wearing that dress since it sold out before Duchess Kate’s traveling lady-in-waiting zipped it up. Prince William wore who cares and Baby Prince George wore an elegant ass onesie with puffed sleeves that if my baby self wore to a playdate, I’d get the shit kicked out of me. But Baby Prince George proves that only a truly powerful man can pull off puffed sleeves (see: King Henry VIII, Prince and Seinfeld). The huffs from his haters will make Baby Prince George’s puffed sleeves puffier.

Here’s more of the royals in Sydney today and I can’t wait to see their photo-op with Australia’s ambassadors to the world Kath & Kim.

Pics: Splash

“I’m So Fancy I Use The Duchess Of Cambridge’s Hair As Nostril Floss”

April 9, 2014 / Posted by:

The third most influential child in Britain after Harvey Price and Simon Cowell was back at work today, earning his room and board by ruling a playdate with a bunch of peasant babies at Government House in Wellington, New Zealand. The Telegraph says that 10 babies and their parents were chosen to play with the baby prince in a photo-op playdate and I’m sure every mom and dad thought to themselves, “Please don’t let it be my baby who slaps he future King of England. I don’t want to be executed.” But they had nothing to worry about, because the only baby who acted up during that playdate was Baby Prince George! During his first day on the job in New Zealand, Baby Prince George made the same Monday face you make on Monday and was not ready to join the working world. But today, while looking like he was about to play Kurt in an all-babies production of The Sound of Music, he realized he’s important and shit and he went with it. via The Telegraph:

The Prince then turned to a little girl called Paige who was with her parents, Jenny Stevens, 34, who is British, and Kiwi father Mark, 43. George waved his arms to get her attention and touched Paige’s face – before grabbing her toy wooden doll.Mrs Stevens told the Duchess: “Paige grabs toys, she’s just started teething.” The Duchess replied: “George too.” Paige started crying after losing her doll to George and turned to her mum to be comforted, burying her face in her arms. The Duchess then stroked Paige’s hair in an attempt to comfort her, as George looked around bored, waving his arms and indicating he wanted to be put down. The Duchess gave him a blue plastic block that George put in his mouth but then threw to the floor. She eventually put him on the carpet and immediately George took off, taking a particular liking to a toy tambourine. He grabbed at several other toys being held by other youngsters before Kate encouraged him to crawl to her and then pulled him to his feet.

Baby Prince George is taking stuff that doesn’t belong to him, is making peasants gush over him and is wearing outfits that sell out in hours! He’s already doing his job and then some. THE QUEEN better give him a bonus!

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Now THIS Is A Welcome

April 7, 2014 / Posted by:

Ah wah-nna oh oo air,” said Tom Cruise out loud while looking at that hot muscled-up tattooed ass in a thong. By the way, Tommy Girl was saying, “I want to go to there,” but it was hard to understand him since his tongue was hanging out the entire time.

Baby Prince George came out of the vagine royale last July and so he’s had 8 long months to sleep, relax and wet fart, but now it’s time for him to get up out of his crib and join the family “waving and smiling at people” business. Baby Prince George started his royal duties today after he, Prince William and Duchess Kate landed in Wellington, New Zealand. Today is the first day of the royals’ three-week-long government-paid vacation tour of New Zealand and Australia. A pair of hot poppin’ nalgas and Maori elders welcomed them to New Zealand in a traditional Maori Powhiri Ceremony. Never mind that I never EVER want to see Prince Bald Spot bent over like that again (“The royal family has been bending over the British taxpayers for centuries so it’s nice to see one of them in that position for a change” said Morrissey), this is my kind of welcome. Saying “welcome” with a pair of tattooed man cheeks is the only way to say “welcome.”

You know, whores give Duchess Kate a lot of shit for not really working a real job, but everyone can stop for now. Because based on her outfit, she served soda and peanuts on the flight from Britain to New Zealand.

And Baby Prince George’s Monday face is my new favorite Monday face.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Behold, The Portrait That Morrissey Will Hang Over His Fireplace

March 30, 2014 / Posted by:

As part of their never-ending campaign to make the peasants think that they’re just like them, Duchess Kate and Prince William released this picture of them looking like a wholesome, normal, everyday family who’s just hanging out in their everyday, normal house. Except their everyday, normal house is a damn palace, two of the people in this picture are future Head Moochers of England and it took 4 ladies-in-waiting 5 hours to get Duchess Kate Breck Girl beautiful by brushing her hair with silver combs and it took 4 men 3 hours to perfectly polish Prince William’s bald spot and creeping hairline. The Windsor genes have gone into overdrive on Prince William’s face, because his physical transformation into his daddy is over halfway complete.

But the real stars of this picture, which was taken by Jason Bell, are Baby Prince George and Lupo the dog. Lupo has a look of fear in his eye like he knows that he’s sitting before the future King of England who can have him sent to the gallows for shitting on the rug or pissing on that sharp as fuck christening gown. Lupo looks like someone’s giving him a surprise prostate exam. Wait, wait, where is Prince William’s other hand?!

This portrait is pretty basic and looks like some shit you’d see in a frame at CVS, but it could’ve easily been taken to fiery levels of YES with just one simple photo bomb:

princewilliamduchesskatedogphg

Now THAT is a royal portrait.

Here’s PHG, Duchess Kate and Prince William wearing some boring ass royal clothes while going to the wedding one of their fancy friends today in Chippenham, England.

Pics: Splash

Prince Hot Ginge’s Piping Hot Beard Would Like To Wish You A Merry Christmas!

December 25, 2013 / Posted by:

And if you don’t celebrate Christmas, then Prince Hot Ginge’s piping hot beard would like to wish you a Merry Wednesday!

But if you do celebrate the day we all get each other gift cards to Bed, Bath and Beyond, because we just CAN’T with shopping, then you might be drunk from guzzling down gallons of sweet nectar and processed sugar to deal with spending a full day indoors with your family. Grab another bottle, sit back and roast your chestnuts on the open fire growing on Prince Hot Ginge’s beautiful face. That ginger neck beard could give Lucifer the sweats.

PHG, Prince William, Duchess Kate, Prince Charles, Princess Beatrice, Duchess Cumilla, some other royal whores and THE QUEEN all took their asses to The Church of St Mary Magdalene for Christmas Day service today. Little Prince George didn’t come, because Prince Philip was there, so they already had a baldie who’d fall asleep, cry out of boredom, slobber and fart. They didn’t need two.

And seeing Prince William touch Prince Hot Ginge’s glorious, luscious hairy beard of fire makes me think to myself, “Prince William’s finger: I’d hit it until his nail popped off.

Pics: AP, Splash

Open Post: Hosted By Duchess Kate Wearing… Oh Who Cares, Nelson Mandela Died

December 5, 2013 / Posted by:

As I was in the middle of typing that headline, Brian Williams popped up on my TV to tell me that Nelson Mandela has taken the long walk up to heaven. So who cares about the stupid dress and the stupid necklace and the stupid grey hairs that Duchess Kate wore to the premiere of Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom in London tonight. Yes, she was at the Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom premiere, so I’m sure you’ll hear all about this outfit again when everybody reports on what she was wearing when she found out the news while watching the movie.

I’m not the one (“You said it” – you)  to write an obit about Nelson Mandela’s life and his impact on humanity, so you can read a good one here.

Pics: Wenn.com

And Here’s The Video Of Jon Bon Jovi, Taylor Swift And Prince William Singing “Livin’ On A Prayer” Together

November 27, 2013 / Posted by:

Yesterday, I linked to a post about Jon Bon Jovi, Taylor Swift and Prince William awkwardly singing “Livin’ On A Prayer” together at the Winter White People Gala Winter Whites Gala at Kensington Palace in London and now here’s the video of it. It’s like watching your 9-year-old former child beauty queen cousin (the one who got kicked out of Karen’s Kids for hogging up the mic all the time), your dad and your socially awkward and permanently constipated uncle sing karaoke while completely sober at a wedding.

From Taylor moving like a baby giraffe trying to ice skate to Prince William looking about as nervous as me when I went to a children’s party and realized there was no booze (I was 8), this is every kind of awkward. If only Prince Hot Ginge wasn’t currently spooning with a bear in his tent during his trek to the South Pole. He would’ve saved the show by drunkenly singing out the wrong words before falling onto Taylor causing both of them to hit the floor. PHG would’ve gotten a standing ovation, mostly because he put a stop to Taylor’s dancing.

BREAKING: Duchess Kate Has Grey Hair

November 7, 2013 / Posted by:

While Prince George laid around his palace in his sharp-as-fuck christening gown (Note: When life gives you a stunning and luxurious christening gown like that, you never take it off until your growing limbs bust the seams), his mom and dad waved, smiled, waved, smiled, waved, smiled and waved some more at their day job in London this morning. Duchess Kate and Prince William took a bus ride with servicemen and women for London Poppy Day, which is the day that all Brits celebrate Poppy Pomfrey. No, London Poppy Day is a day when volunteers at tube and railway stations try to raise £1 million in one day for Poppy Appeal, a charity that helps military families. And just because I want to type the word “poppy” one more time: POPPY.

Hair dye and brown hair mascara sales dropped to record lows today when everybody saw Duchess Kate’s grey roots on her 1975 Kate Jackson hair. The top of Duchess Kate’s head was almost as shiny as the top of Prince William’s bald globe. The Daily Mail raised a magnifying glass from their Detective La Toya starter kit and got to the bottom of this! They brought up these highly important points:

Grey hair not directly associated with pregnancy

Many women find hair feels and looks thinner after having a baby

Some mothers avoid dyeing hair while pregnant or breastfeeding

Or maybe she’s just had grey hair for a while and we’ve never seen it because she’s always got a hat that looks like a stuffed pancake on her head. But really, I’m sure that’s not grey hair. Since Duchess Kate is a royal now, liquid diamonds flow through her insides and sometimes they overflow and seep out of her skull. Whatever the case may be, silver Sharpies and Wite-Out are already sold out, because EVERYONE wants silvery grey roots now. Silvery grey roots are so now.

Here’s more of Duchess Kate and Prince William riding the bus today. I also threw in some pictures of my favorite Poppy Chulo honoring fallen soldiers at the Field of Remembrance in London today:

Pics: Splash

Thank God The Most Important Member Of The Royal Family Made It Into The Christening Pictures

October 24, 2013 / Posted by:

And no, I’m not talking about Prince Hot Ginge for once. I’m talking about THE QUEEN’S purse!

Here’s the official pictures from Prince George’s royal christening taken by world-renowned photographer Olan Mills and in every picture THE QUEEN’S in, so is her most trusted friend in the world: her pocketbook. Do you really think THE QUEEN is going to leave her purse on a table somewhere out of her eyesight? If you think she should’ve been separated from her purse for these pictures, then you don’t know the royal family. They are a bunch of thieving, shifty bitches who would steal a queef out of a snatch if they needed one. If THE QUEEN left her purse out for one second, Prince Hot Ginge would go through it and steal her little bottles of malt liquor. If she left her purse out for two seconds, Prince Charles would steal her poppers. If she left her purse out for three seconds, Camilla would steal her bag of sugar cubes (which she throws in Camilla’s mouth whenever she feels that trick is talking too much). So THE QUEEN always keeps her purse close to her. The first rule of Abuelita Club is NEVER be more than 1 foot away from your purse, because your family members are sneaky whores and they will steal from you the same way the royal family steals from their subjects. Keep that purse close and slap any tramp that touches it.

Here’s more of the royal family looking like melting candle people while posing in the ugliest suite at the Marriott. I know I said this yesterday, but I need to say it again: Prince George’s gown is flawless and I’m sure Andre Leon Talley is having a copy made right now. Sorry, ALT, but you just don’t have the pudgy, short, tiny baby arms needed to work that lace gown like PG does.

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