By the way, I’m typing this on a Braille keyboard, because I’ve had THAT PICTURE of Prince Hot Ginge taped onto my face since Friday. “Did you do something to your hair? You look so much better!” is what I heard all weekend from my family and friends.
The London premiere of the 24th James Bond movie, Spectre, happened tonight and Prince Hot Ginge was there, because DUH, there was an open bar and I’m sure the place was filled with stringy dishwater blondes he could make out with behind the concession counter. PHG brought along those other two, Prince William and Duchess Kate, because they never ever get out of the house and needed a date night.
I’ve had a dream that started just like this! You know, Prince Hot Ginge is just a regular ole’ construction worker and after he’s laid off, he has to bring in coins to pay his bills by stripping down to his flaming ginger bush for the locals. Only, in my dream, that doesn’t really make him money either so he has to step it up by giving naked lap dances to skinny fat American bloggers while they’re both covered in oil and Tom Jones croons in the corner.
Anyway, Prince Hot Ginge and Prince William once again shut up the haters who are always calling them privileged scroungers. PHG did himself up in hot scruffy construction worker drag and Prince William put a hairless white helmet on his hairless white head to do actual hard labor today. The BBC says that PHG and PW were guest stars on DIY SOS, a show on the BBC that’s devoted to fixing the homes of British families in need. The show’s cast and crew are currently turning a rundown street in Manchester into a community for veterans.
During filming today, Prince William picked up a roller and painted a wall, and Prince Hot Ginge picked up a tile (or a piece of siding or whatever that is). Yes, they probably dropped that shit as soon as the cameras turned off, but still. Thanks to Prince William and Prince Hot Ginge, that wall got painted and that tile (or whatever it is) got blessed by a ginger adonis. That house will forever stay warm thanks to the tile thing that was touched by PHG.
And in other PHG news, The Daily Beast says that a ginger supremacist was found guilty of planning to carry out a bunch of terrorist attacks that would eventually lead to Prince Harry becoming the ginger ruler of England.
After decades of perceived abuse for his red hair, Mark Colborne, 37, stockpiled the ingredients required for an arsenal of chemical weapons that he was planning to deploy against “blacks and Caucasian idiots,” officials say.
On behalf of his ginger “brothers,” the man’s ultimate aim was to assassinate Prince Charles and Prince William so that the British crown could be placed on the red head of Prince Harry.
Okay, I’m all for him trying to make PHG king, but he lost me at all that racism and mass murder shit. Um, couldn’t he just have started a petition on Change.org like a normal person?
Kensington Palace Tells The Paparazzi To Stop Taking Unauthorized Pictures Of Prince George Or Else!
Kensington Palace is not fucking around and today the town crier stood in the middle of the square and yelled out “Hear Ye! Hear Ye!” before reading a 60,000 word statement to the paparazzi and the media about why it’s wrong to take and publish unauthorized pictures of the royal children. The statement says that the paparazzi are stalking Prince George and are taking pictures of him outside of public events using shady tactics like long lenses and hiding in bushes. Some publications, mostly in the US, France, Germany, Australia and New Zealand have published the pictures. Kensington Palace wants the paps and the media to let Prince George live his life. “Our impact has gone international!” – Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard
Over the weekend, the British royals were hit with an ESCANDALOSO video and surprisingly, it wasn’t a video of Prince Philip choking out a basket of kittens for looking at him wrong. The Sun released an old, grainy video of a 7-year-old Queen Elizabeth (who was Princess Elizabeth back then) doing the Nazi salute with her known Nazi sympathizer uncle Edward, her sister Princess Margaret and their mom. The clip came from the royal family’s personal archives. Buckingham Palace said at the time that they are considering suing whores and will investigate this “invasion of privacy.” Well, the Daily Telegraph says that there’s a chance the leak came from INSIDE THE PALACE!
Send them to the gallows for this!
Poor Princess Charlotte. First, she was forced to wear her brother’s old, used lace gown to her christening and then she was forced to pose in a family portrait without Prince Hot Ginge. I see her “Why me?” head tilt in that picture. I know it well, because I do that when it’s 9pm on a Saturday night and I realize I drank the last bottle of wine in the house. Prince Hot Ginge was in Africa doing charity work, so he wasn’t able to make his royal niece’s induction into the Haus of Jesus, but that’s still no excuse for him not being in the portrait.
Between her hand waving duties and brushing her velvet locks 200 times a day, Duchess Kate could’ve taken a quick graphic design class at the London branch of The Learning Annex (They have that, right?) and Photoshopped PHG into that picture. Like this:
And I don’t even have a certificate in graphic design from the London branch of The Learning Annex. Surprising, I know. If you’re wondering why Jude Law is in that family portrait, that’s not Jude Law. It’s Duchess Kate’s brother. I know, I hardly recognized him without that hot French maid costume on his body.
Here’s more pictures, taken by Mario Testino, from Kensington Palace’s Twitter account of Princess Charlotte’s christening day. I’m slow clapping for Prince George smiling at the camera like, “Haha, I’ve got more hair than my daddy.”
While the traitor ass colonials recuperate from celebrating the anniversary of breaking up with the motherland, the British royals put on their nicest pair of bloomers and got Sunday church service elegant for 9-week-old Princess Charlotte’s christening. Princess Charlotte was hazed into the Christian church with a holy water dunk at St. Mary Magdalene on the Sandringham Estate today. Princess Charlotte wore a replica of the elegant-as-fuck lace heirloom gown that has been worn by many of her ancestor. Her own brother Prince George wore the exact same lace gown to his christening in 2013. Princess Charlotte is barely brand new and she’s already finding out that the second child has to deal with wearing their older siblings’ hand-me-downs. As a kid who had to wear his older sister’s kangaroo Halloween costume the year after she wore it, I feel your pain, Princess Charlotte. Cry it out! (Side note: I would do a “Who Worked It Better?” between Princess Charlotte and Prince George, but that wouldn’t be fair. We all know who the winner is: Prince Hot Ginge!)
While making her way to St. Mary Magdalene, Princess Charlotte passed her royal subjects in a chariot (aka a Mary Poppins pram) pushed by Duchess Kate. Thankfully, Prince George didn’t stab me in the soul and leave me for dead by wearing ungodly CROCs again. Instead, he wore his signature t-band Mary Jane nun shoes with baggy high-waisted shorts and a little shirt. Prince George’s outfit was an homage to an outfit that his dad Prince William wore to meet his baby brother for the first time. The look is very casual Friday Von Trapp child and I’m sure it will be the look of the summer for rich toddlers.
Just like her brother, Princess Charlotte has several godparents. Princess Charlotte has 3 godfathers and 2 godmothers, and none of them are Pippa Middleton or Prince Hot Ginge. Princess Diana’s niece is one of Princess Charlotte’s godmothers, though. Those British royals and their multiple godparents! They probably do that so they can get even more presents at Christmastime and on birthdays. Is there any limit to their greed?! Eh, Princess Charlotte deserves it after being forced to wear her brother’s old dress on her big day.
I was going to title this “American royalty” meets “British royalty,” but that would be a lie wrapped in a heavy layer of NO. Because this post is not about how Shauna Sand and her boy toy had high tea at a Hooters in Nottingham with Jodie Marsh and whoever she’s boning at the moment.
Years from now, history teachers will extensively cover June 26, 2015 and not because it’s the day that the Supreme Court made the dreams come true of every aspiring gay gold digger in every state. They will cover that day, because it’s the day that Dame St. Angie Jolie, Brad Pitt, Duchess Kate and Prince William drank tea together. CNN should really close up and give it up, because instead of covering a highly historical event like this, they spent hours reporting on those prison escapees last night.
Unlike CNN, UsWeekly knows what journalism is, because they exclusively reported about how Brangelina had tea with the royals at Kensington Palace yesterday afternoon. Brangelina are in London for charity stuff and while there, they drank tea (but was it Tension Tamer tea?) with Duchess Kate and Prince William and they also brought a gift for Princess Charlotte. A rep for Kensington Palace said they talked about illegal wildlife shit.
After months of coordinating, the two power couples met for the first time at a private Kensington Palace meeting. “The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge met with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Pitt at Kensington Palace on Friday afternoon,” a Kensington Palace spokesman tells Us Weekly exclusively. “They discussed their shared interest in combatting the illegal wildlife trade.”
“Everyone got on splendidly,” says the source of their afternoon tea. “Brad and Angelina spent much longer with the Duke and Duchess than planned. They ended up staying for almost a few hours.”
They drank tea and talked about illegal animals for “almost a few hours” (whatever the hell that means)? I call bullshit on that. They probably spent those “almost a few hours” smoking weed out of a blueberry scone Brad Pitt turned into a bong before swapping partners. But I’m sure we’ll soon find out what really went on during those “almost a few hours” when the History Channel airs a 6-part series about the most historical meeting of our time.
GOD SAVE THE PRINCE FROM THOSE RUBBER DEVIL MITTS ON HIS FEETS!
Any trick who spits up at the mouth about how the royals never work can eat their peasant words, because they worked two shifts this weekend. Yesterday, Duchess Kate, Prince William and the hardest working baby in the game (sorry, Justin Bieber) Prince George had to smile and wave at THE QUEEN’s annual birthday parade. You’d think that after all that waving they’d have to spend their Sunday resting their wavin’ hands in freshly warmed fine velvet cloths as their servants massage their sore smiling muscles, but nope. They were back at work today at the Festival of Polo at the Beaufort Polo Club in Tetbury, England.
People says that Duchess Kate, Prince George and some other British royal types watched Prince Hot Ginge and Prince William play polo. I guess tiny royal princes care as much about polo as I do, because Prince George spent most of the time playing on some hill. Photographer James Whatling gave this highly riveting and majorly thrilling witness account of Prince George trying to slide down a slope:
“[George] was playing on the bank. He was walking up the steps and then tried sliding down the bank. The older ones like Savannah was doing it so he wanted to do it too. He was sliding down and Kate joined him, trying to support him as he did.”
When a biopic about Prince George’s life is made in the future, I expect that moment to be the most captivating and edge-of-your-seat scene in the movie. But really, who cares about that when we have more important things to talk about like those CROCS!
I know that Duchess Kate and Prince William want their family to be the people’s royal family or whatever, but they have gone too far by making their kid wear CROCS. I’ve said before that it’s only okay to wear CROCS if you’re planting some shit in your garden or if you’re a baby who doesn’t know any better, but I take it back. Because now that Prince George has been photographed in toddler CROCS, I’m sure they’re already sold out and soon my eyes will be terrorized by the sight of kids in CROCS everywhere.
But you know, I bet that Prince George picked out those CROCS himself, because he don’t give a hell and can do whatever he wants. In that picture above, he’s totally thinking to himself, “I will wear CROCS and I will fart on you. I’m the future king!”
I have no idea what Prince Harry is doing with his tongue, but I do know it’s my duty to crop this pic right around his head and send it to Michael K immediately.
Even though Prince George has appeared before his subjects countless times before, today was the first time he’s ever done it on the Buckingham Palace balcony with all the other fancy Royal Family types. I guess getting invited onto the Palace balcony is a pretty big deal, because George was dressed in his fancy baby best. According to TIME, George wore the exact same outfit his daddy wore when he made his first appearance on the Palace balcony in 1984. You know you’re about to do something very important when you see your mom pulling out a Space Bag and blowing 30 years worth of moth ball dust and dried-up spiders off of it.
But Prince George didn’t decide to make an appearance on the balcony just because he felt like it. It was for The Queen’s annual Trooping the Colour ceremony. I really one of The Queen’s corgi’s warned those pilots to keep their eyes on the sky, because I can imagine their flying would get all kinds of sloppy in the event they accidentally looked down at the balcony and got distracted by Prince George being adorable.
Not only was it a big day for Prince George, but it was also a big day for his mom. Today was Duchess Kate’s first day back at work since pushing out Princess Charlotte six weeks ago. Maybe that would explain her hat; nothing says “Aw shit, back to work” like wearing a hat made out of a plastic bedpan.
Here’s more of Prince George being cute as hell while watching a bunch of planes fly overhead during the Trooping the Colour ceremony earlier today.
I’m pulling out my pitchfork now, because Duchess Kate and Prince William had ONE JOB to do (Side note: Seriously, naming their baby princess was their only job this week, because I’m sure they’ll get a few weeks off before they have to go back to their main job of waving and smiling at their subjects during a ribbon-cutting ceremony.) and they screwed it up. They didn’t name the new baby princess Princess Jodie Katie. They didn’t even name her my second choice: Princess Harryetta Concepcion Fuckyoumorrissey. It’s May Fourth, so they could’ve gotten on the good side of the nerds by naming her Princess Leia Organa of Cambridge. But they didn’t go with any of those. They went the predictable royal name route. Duchess Kate and Prince William decided to name their baby princess after his dad, memaw and mom. Kensington Palace tweeted this today:
The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are delighted to announce that they have named their daughter Charlotte Elizabeth Diana.
All hail Princess Charlie! Charlotte is also Pippa Middleton’s middle name and Elizabeth is also Kate’s mother’s middle name. Kensington Palace said she’ll go by the super casual title of: Her Royal Highness Princess Charlotte of Cambridge. I’m going to tell myself that they really named her Charlotte after Charlotte Rae.
The name Charlotte Elizabeth Diana is every layer of posh. Charlotte Elizabeth sounds like the name of the floral bedding company that is Laura Ashley’s main rival. Charlotte, Elizabeth and Diana also sound like the names of the three rich sorority girls who headed a campaign to get Lilly Pulitzer to pull the line they did for Target, because they can’t stand and watch their beloved rich girl brand cheapen itself by collaborating with a store where the poors shop. The name of the baby princess should make you want to curtsy and bow your head like a commoner when you say it, so Charlotte Diana Elizabeth is perfect.
And it’s going to be a little awkward for Princess Charlotte when she takes the “Which Sex And The City Character Are You?” quiz on Buzzfeed and gets “You’re a Miranda.“