The main reason for why I’ve never gotten a woman pregnant is a little thing called “being gayer than a strawberry lube-scented fart out of a power bottom flamingo’s ass.” But now I know that the other reason why I’ve never gotten a woman pregnant is because as soon as she said the words, “Will you give up booze and coffee with me?“, I’d Billy Crudup her by leaving her pregnant ass for another trick, the other trick being hot rum coffee, of course. But not Prince Hot Ginge! PHG’s vodka-snorting days are so long gone that he actually broke up with the sweet nectar. And not only that, but he also temporarily ended things with coffee and tea after Duchess Meghan asked him to. Is PHG trying to give his memaw THE QUEEN a heart attack? Because that’s what might happen if he says “no thanks” to an offer of a gin or some tea.
When I heard Duchess Meghan and Duchess Catherine would end up spending Christmas together with THE QUEEN at her country estate, I figured their feuding would escalate to Kate snickering when Meghan sat down on a Whoopee cushion left on her chair, and Meghan would strike back by short-sheeting Kate’s bed. Alas, QE2 probably saw this coming and wasn’t about to have her Sandringham estate turned into hazing week at the Kappa Gamma house. Meghan and Kate were seen strolling en route to church looking like old chums, and The Sun’s creative writing interns say that wasn’t a coincidence.
On this Christmas Day (otherwise known as Annual Gross Lovey Dovey Couples Hijacking Jesus’ Born Day By Announcing They Got Engaged Day), Prince Hot Ginge, Duchess Meghan, Prince William, and Duchess Kate did their second annual foursome strut to St. Mary Magdalene Church in Sandringham, only this time they were all probably thinking to themselves, “Smile something extra to kill those goddamn tabloids rumors.” Why do I have a feeling that before their little PR sashay to church, THE QUEEN texted all of them and recited Rose McGowan’s speech from Jawbreaker when she said, “You all are going to walk into that church and strut your shit down the hallway like everything is peachy fucking keen, get it?”
Rather than see another headline about how she would like nothing more than to slap Duchess Kate with one of her silly fascinators, Duchess Meghan is deploying the greatest diversion tactic in her toolkit: the baby bump! Meghan was performing her last royal duty of 2018 today by visiting a nursing home for elderly who were once entertainers. Swapping jazz hands and dirt on silver screen legends with old fogies who don’t have any fucks left to give? Sign. Me. Up. Meghan, of course, had to make it all about her, so she spent most of the day rubbing her pregnant belly. Psh, pipe down, Meg! I’m trying to hear about how big of a dick Laurence Olivier could be.
‘Tis the season for me to start getting IM’s messages from friends of yore asking me for my address so I can act surprised when I get a Christmas card in the mail with a picture of them, their spouse I’ve never met, and their “adorable” kids. It’s all so wholesome and earnest, and goes against my core beliefs. Still, I always hold on to them for a couple of weeks because I feel guilty about recycling them immediately. Sadly I didn’t get a text message from Kensington Palace this year, and I really wish I had because there’s nothing wholesome about the tingling sensation Prince William is giving me in his family portrait. If I was on the list, that card would be skipping the mantle and going straight to my bedside table.
The Sun Says That Prince Harry Once Accused His Brother Of Trying To Ruin His Relationship With Duchess Meghan
As you know Duchess Meghan has been terrorizing the poor innocent civilians working at the palace for some time now, and has even been making the Royal Family look at each other from the corner of their eyes while saying nothing because it’s impolite for royalty to bring up rudeness. Well that proper British passive-aggression may be wearing thin, honey.
The Sun is now saying that the royal drama started two years ago when Prince Harry and Prince William fought about Meghan. I guess since E! canceled The Royals the actual Royal Family are hoping to fill the vacuum.