This morning, Prince Hot Ginge made a thousand British mums cleanse the ears of their children with holy water by saying the word “arse” during an interview on BBC Radio 2, and believe it or not, that’s not the biggest British royal news today. The big British royal news is that before Duchess Kate and Prince William hosted President Obama and Michelle Obama in their Ballard Designs-looking ass sitting room at Kensington Palace, they hid a plaque that they thought would offend their American guests.
The Sun (via The Mirror) says that below the painting behind Duchess Kate and Michelle Obama in the picture above is a plaque with the title on it. The title of the painting is “The Negro Page.” Not one of Duchess Kate and Prince William’s minions gave it a thought until minutes before President Obama showed up.
Prince Hot Ginge and that other one continued to work really, really hard for that taxpayer money today by playing with Star Wars stuff and meeting the cast at Pinewood Studios in Buckinghamshire. PHG and Prince George’s papa je’e met Mark Hamill and Daisy Ridley who are currently filming Star Wars: Episode Who Cares What It’s Called It’s Still Going To Make Forty Billion Dollars No Matter What. PHG also had a sweet moment with Chewbacca, and if I was into wookie-on-human-porn (Tip of the day: Don’t Google “wookie-on-human-porn“), I’d check myself into an insane asylum, but before I did that, I’d print out this picture, grab a tub of Crisco and lock myself in my bedroom for the next 4 hours.
One thing I learned from that picture is that if I want to get a sweet hug from PHG, I need to be over 7 feet tall, covered in mangy hair, smell like wet dog ass and have bugs living on my body. I better learn how to walk in stilts, spray myself with one of Justin Bieber’s cologne and go through Brit Brit Spears’ trash cans for cast-off weaves I can tape to my body. I hear you saying, “At least you don’t have to worry about getting bugs to live on your body since I’m sure you’re already covered in crabs.” Haha, very funny. (You’re right.)
And here’s another picture of PHG and his brother having a light saber fight.
Since my brain is always set to “sucio” I would say, “I’d wish they’d take that sword fight to my mouth,” but gross. Not with Prince William holding the other “sword.” Now if it was Prince Philip, that’d be a different story.
Pics: WPA Pool, Getty @KensingtonRoyal
It’s been tough times for the English royals. Prince Balding and Duchess Bland just can’t catch a break. Prince William and Duchess Kate went to India this past week for a six day tour, meet and greet, signing, luncheon, royal visit type thing. They’ve been called out for being lazy when it comes to these sorts of trips as of late because William has only done two trips this year as well as having tons of time off from his 20-hour-a-week job as an air ambulance pilot. Also on the list is that workers at the palace threatened to go on strike after a possible pay cut was brought up. The cream on top all these disasters is that Kate nearly flashed her English muffin the other day! Scandal! And now, adding salt to the wound, the photo op at the Taj Mahal they wanted has been marred by some scaffolding.
The Guardian is reporting that The Times of India ran a story saying the British high commission asked Indian officials to take down scaffolding on part of the Taj Mahal so as not to ruin the pictures. An Indian official was quoted saying that taking down the scaffolding would not be possible because it would “undo months of hard work.” The British Foreign Office slapped back, trying to cover their demanding asses, by saying, “We can confirm that this story is not correct. We did not request that the Taj Mahal remove the scaffolding.”
Well, they took the photos today and, yep, they look TERRIBLE. What a debacle. They might as well pack up, go home and ask to be stripped of their royal titles. This really takes the cake. William, Kate, you’ve let down not only England, but all of the world. You get an ‘F’ in your attempt to recreate Princess Di’s iconic photo. If not even the British royals can take a nice fucking picture in front of the Taj Mahal, what’s the point of them? Jesus. On the bright side, for Kate, People has reported that she wore some $7 earrings she got at a souvenir stall for these useless pictures. Great for you, Kate. And what did you get for the rest of the class? Nothing. Not even a nice picture.
Those lazy British royals Prince William and Duchess Kate are finally earning their room and board by waving, smiling and shaking hands at events. Princess William and Duchess Kate are currently on an all-expenses paid luxurious tour through India and Bhutan. When you’re slumped over in your cubicle at around 4:45 pm today after crashing from all the coffee you injected into your veins to deal with your annoying co-workers, remember that you could have it a lot worse. You could be doing hard labor by shaking hands while wearing designer outfits through India.
The jealous peasants and the anti-monarchy trash media (THE QUEEN’S got your numbers, The Daily Mail and The Sun) have been hating on Duchess Kate and Prince William for being royal lazies who go on vacation more than they work. So, as their hating subjects rise flaming pitchforks into the sky and threaten to storm the palace (that’s what’s happening, right?), Duchess Lazy and Prince It’s Always Nap Time decided now is the best time to take another holiday. If you were Sookeh Stackhouse and had the fairy power of mind-reading, you’d probably hear Duchess Kate and Prince William rapping the lyrics, “Don’t hate me, hate the money I see, clothes that I buy ice that I wear, clothes that I try, close your eyes,” to themselves as they smiled all happy-like for the camera.
Kensington Palace tweeted out a bunch of pictures of Duchess Kate, Prince William, 2-year-old Prince George and 10-month-old Princess Charlotte on a quick family snow trip to the French Alps last Wednesday. They were only there for a few days and are already gone. The Daily Mail says that on past royal ski trips, the British media and photographers were invited to take pictures. But this time, Duchess Kate and Prince William wanted to keep their kids’ first ski trip on the shush. The Daily Mail thinks they took a private jet, and they only brought one photographer, John Stillwell, with them. John took a few completely natural pictures including this one of Duchess Kate throwing a snowball at Prince William, and Prince William looking like Lindsay Lohan during a sneezing fit.
I know, these boring and cheesy ass photo-ops are nothing without a naked Prince Hot Ginge photo bombing them in the background. But then again, he’s probably banned from the French Alps because his ginger hotness would melt the snow and flood the town.
The hating bitches who say that Prince William never works and doesn’t do enough royal “smile and waving” engagements can choke on their words. Because Duchess Kate and Prince William work so hard that they even worked during their vacation. They did hard labor (for the royals) by smiling, picking up snowballs and smiling some more. Bitches better slow down before they burn out. I really hope that after this trip, they went on a vacation where they rested up from their vacation.
Pics: WPA Pool/Getty
Shortly after this picture was taken, Prince William and Duchess Kate flew off to Bora Bora where they spent 9 days resting their wrists in a spa because they strained themselves something bad while holding that umbrella and that clutch.
It’s truly hard to find good help who are grateful that they get to be in the presence of royal greatness and won’t bitch about trivial things like paying their bills and feeding their families. Can you believe that there’s people out there who are lucky enough to work for their future King and yet they’re threatening to strike because they may get a pay cut that’ll put them below a living wage? In THE QUEEN’s day, she would’ve punished those ungrateful peasants by turning them into human leather skin jackets for her Corgis to wear.
There is something seriously wrong with these pictures of Prince Hot Ginge and that bald one playing in their annual Christmas Eve football match in Norfolk. The universe can go ahead and suck on a stick of dried smegma, because it is absolutely not right that Prince William is wearing the white shorts while PHG is wearing dark shorts. The hell kind of backwards shit is this? How is a hard-up, desperate, perverted piece of trash like me supposed to get another serving of VPP (visible peen print) when PHG is wearing dark shorts? But yet there’s Prince William prancing around in white shorts and I don’t want to see that.
All I wanted for Christmas was a picture of PHG playing football in the rain while wearing white shorts. Is that so much to ask? Although, I do appreciate that it looks like he’s in the middle of doing the Single Ladies dance in that picture above. I’ll take it.
Behold, The British Royals Giving You “Suburban Middle-Class American Family” In Their Christmas Card
If I was a royal, my Christmas card would be me laid out on my throne with my most opulent crown on my head and an “Eat Me, Morrissey” t-shirt on my body, and my butler would be right next to me pouring a stream of taxpayers’ tears into a solid gold goblet. What’s the point of being a rich royal if you’re not going to show out? But Duchess Kate and Prince William want to come off as a ~real~ and ~normal~ family, so for their Christmas card, they rented out a suburban family’s backyard and posed like they were in a Sears Portrait Studio.
This may seem like a regular, boring picture, but there’s a lot going on here. Prince George is working the seams off of those socks and his signature Mary Janes. Not since Cher from Clueless has someone truly owned the socks and Mary Janes look. Duchess Kate is still trying to make the best of those struggle bangs and is saying to herself, “pose like you’re in a Wella Balsam shampoo ad,” over and over again. Prince William looks like he’s trying to squeeze out a royal turd while staring at his son and smiling through the pain of knowing that he will never have a mop like that again.
And speaking of taking a royal turd, Princess Charlotte totally is:
Princess Charlotte is definitely blehehehe-ing on the inside, because she knows her ladies-in-waiting are going to have to work overtime scrubbing royal turds out of her satin bloomers.
Duchess Camilla and her forever tampon of choice also released a picture of their Christmas card to their subjects:
Yeah, I don’t even know why the British royal family bothers releasing these Christmas pictures, because the only one we care about is the one of Prince Hot Ginge wearing a Rudolph cock sock.
You may want to ask a trustworthy loved one to stand on the opposite side of the room with a catcher’s mitt, because this piece of information is probably going to blow your mind and I don’t want it splattering all over the wall. Prince Hot Ginge and Pippa Middleton weren’t really photographed on a beach together. That was Photoshopped. You know, I don’t even know if it’s Photoshopped. It looks like they cut out a picture of him, cut out a picture of her, glued both to a background and took a picture of that. That is some master decoupage work.
The story about PHG and THE BUTT OF BRITAIN being secret lovers is about as real and believable as that cover. A source says that their parts have tingled for each other for years and they even fucked in the bathroom at Duchess Kate and Prince William’s wedding. But then they started dating other people and now that they’re both single, they started doing each other again.
By the way, I’m typing this on a Braille keyboard, because I’ve had THAT PICTURE of Prince Hot Ginge taped onto my face since Friday. “Did you do something to your hair? You look so much better!” is what I heard all weekend from my family and friends.
The London premiere of the 24th James Bond movie, Spectre, happened tonight and Prince Hot Ginge was there, because DUH, there was an open bar and I’m sure the place was filled with stringy dishwater blondes he could make out with behind the concession counter. PHG brought along those other two, Prince William and Duchess Kate, because they never ever get out of the house and needed a date night.