And as Duchess Kate beamed at that punu stick, Prince William thought to himself, “Why doesn’t she ever look at mine like that?”
Duchess Kate and Prince Williams are still walking advertisements for the New Zealand and Australia tourism boards and today their all-expenses paid working vacation took them to Uluru-Kata Tjuta National Park where they met with Aboriginal people of the area and posed in front of Uluru like Princess Diana and Prince Charles did in the 80s. Duchess Kate wore another dress that looks like it had a past life as curtains sold exclusively by CB2. Baby Prince George didn’t come along this time, because his tour contract states that he gets every other day off to drool, sleep and eat pastries out of his nanny-in-waiting hands. But Duchess Kate did talk about Baby Prince George today and by talk about him I mean she FAT SHAMED HIM! via People:
Prince George has been so well looked after in New Zealand and Australia that he’s added an “extra fat roll,” his mother Kate told some schoolgirls on Tuesday.
“We asked if they missed him,” one of the girls, Shannon Hunt, told PEOPLE after meeting with the royals at a tea party in Uluru.
“Kate said, ‘He’s been changing so much while we’ve been away.’ Kate also said he grew an extra fat roll while they’re away. She also said he can get a bit grumpy on the long flights.”
Duchess Kate is really going in during this tour. First, she BALD SHAMED Prince William by saying he should wear an alpaca wool merkin on his head (she’s right) and now she’s joking about Baby Prince George’s chunk rolls. Baby Prince George is the future King of England and if he wants to eat a deep fried bilby for dinner, he can! Baby Prince George is totally going to get Duchess Kate back for this. No, he’s not going to order her execution like some other kings, but he’ll probably get revenge by barfing on her greatest asset: her luxurious hair. You’re gonna get it, DK!
As Prince William examined that bilby’s fur to see if it will make a suitable hairpiece, Baby Prince George held a thumb to his mouth as he thought to himself, “Hmm, canz I eat that?”
The hardest working baby in the entire world (I mean, he IS working on a holiday) who is also the luckiest baby in the entire world because he gets to regularly inhale Prince Hot Ginge’s vodka breath, was back at work today at the Taronga Zoo in Sydney. Duchess Kate, Prince William and Baby Prince George are still on their two-week government-funded vacation masquerading as a work trip through New Zealand and Australia and once they’re done they’re going to need another government-funded vacation, because they have never worked this hard in their lives! They were all at the zoo today and Baby Prince George met the animal who is harvesting his daddy’s future hairpiece. Actually, I think Baby Prince George is the one who’s harvesting his daddy’s future hairpiece.
The bilby’s name is George, but his name wasn’t always George. His named used to be Boy, but when Baby Prince George was pulled out of the royal vagine, he was forced to change his name to George as a tribute to that drooling royal. So this is just a special moment between a peasant bilby and the all-powerful royal baby who’s the sole reason for why he had to change his damn name to George. That bilby would throw a side-eye, but he knows he’d be turned into Easter stew if he did.
“WATCH IT U PEASANT-BLOODED SIMPLETON BITCH!” is probably a text that Duchess Kate got from THE QUEEN this morning after she joked about Prince William’s bald head during their visit to the Sydney Royal Easter Show as part of their government-paid vacation through New Zealand and Australia.
The other day when Duchess Kate wore a bright ass yellow dress, Prince William joked that it made her look like a giant banana. Approximately an hour later, costume stores all over the world reported that banana suits were sold out, because thousands of women want to dress like a Breck Girl who got famous for marrying a dude who got famous for being born. Today at the Sydney Royal Easter show, it was Duchess Kate’s turn to yank at Prince William’s dick in front of everyone. While looking at alpaca wool, Duchess Kate joked that Prince William should get a hairpiece made out of that shit. via People:
“The prince was interested in the alpaca, and as I showed it to them, the princess said he should put it on his head,” show exhibitor Lyn Crejan said. “She said, ‘You need it more than me’ and pointed to his head, and he laughed.”
I used my advanced Photoshop skills to copy and paste a plop of alpaca wool on Prince Willy’s head and I have to agree with Duchess Kate. Without the wool merkin, his head looks like a fuzzy goiter. But with the wool merkin, he looks like a potato in costume as Harpo Marx. Truly the look. Even that ram is into it. If that picture moved, you’d see that ram’s crotch sack tingling and shivering over Prince William’s sexiness.
There was also a pumpkin decorating contest at the Easter Show and of course, this one won:
Just. NO. Throw a match at it! Who ever is responsible for that terrifying pumpkin should have to undergo a psychiatric evaluation, because there’s obviously something wrong with them. By the way, an hour after that picture made the media rounds, farmers and grocery stores reported that they were all sold out of pumpkins. But you probably already figured that.
And here’s Duchess Kate and Prince William a little later on in the day at Manly Beach, which should be renamed False Advertising Beach, because where’s the manly mens?
After ruling over the peasant babies of New Zealand and letting them know that yes, he’ll take their toys, and no, they won’t say shit about it, the most powerful baby in Britain, whose shits have more say than the Prime Minister, landed in Sydney today. Peasant babies of Australia, hide yo toys!
Baby Prince George and his two mere escorts, Duchess Kate and Prince William, are into week two of their all-expenses government-paid vacation masquerading as work and today they started the Australian leg of their tour. (You’re not alone if your brain immediately ejaculates up the image of Chris Hemsworth’s thighs when you read the words “Australian leg.”) Royal clothes hanger Duchess Kate wore a yellow dress that your mother will wear to Easter mass this Sunday if your mother is a WASPY, Buick Regal-driving type who gets “Allison Sugarbaker” when she takes Buzzfeed’s “Which Designing Woman Are You?” quiz. I’m joking about your mom wearing that dress since it sold out before Duchess Kate’s traveling lady-in-waiting zipped it up. Prince William wore who cares and Baby Prince George wore an elegant ass onesie with puffed sleeves that if my baby self wore to a playdate, I’d get the shit kicked out of me. But Baby Prince George proves that only a truly powerful man can pull off puffed sleeves (see: King Henry VIII, Prince and Seinfeld). The huffs from his haters will make Baby Prince George’s puffed sleeves puffier.
Here’s more of the royals in Sydney today and I can’t wait to see their photo-op with Australia’s ambassadors to the world Kath & Kim.
The third most influential child in Britain after Harvey Price and Simon Cowell was back at work today, earning his room and board by ruling a playdate with a bunch of peasant babies at Government House in Wellington, New Zealand. The Telegraph says that 10 babies and their parents were chosen to play with the baby prince in a photo-op playdate and I’m sure every mom and dad thought to themselves, “Please don’t let it be my baby who slaps he future King of England. I don’t want to be executed.” But they had nothing to worry about, because the only baby who acted up during that playdate was Baby Prince George! During his first day on the job in New Zealand, Baby Prince George made the same Monday face you make on Monday and was not ready to join the working world. But today, while looking like he was about to play Kurt in an all-babies production of The Sound of Music, he realized he’s important and shit and he went with it. via The Telegraph:
The Prince then turned to a little girl called Paige who was with her parents, Jenny Stevens, 34, who is British, and Kiwi father Mark, 43. George waved his arms to get her attention and touched Paige’s face – before grabbing her toy wooden doll.Mrs Stevens told the Duchess: “Paige grabs toys, she’s just started teething.” The Duchess replied: “George too.” Paige started crying after losing her doll to George and turned to her mum to be comforted, burying her face in her arms. The Duchess then stroked Paige’s hair in an attempt to comfort her, as George looked around bored, waving his arms and indicating he wanted to be put down. The Duchess gave him a blue plastic block that George put in his mouth but then threw to the floor. She eventually put him on the carpet and immediately George took off, taking a particular liking to a toy tambourine. He grabbed at several other toys being held by other youngsters before Kate encouraged him to crawl to her and then pulled him to his feet.
Baby Prince George is taking stuff that doesn’t belong to him, is making peasants gush over him and is wearing outfits that sell out in hours! He’s already doing his job and then some. THE QUEEN better give him a bonus!
“Ah wah-nna oh oo air,” said Tom Cruise out loud while looking at that hot muscled-up tattooed ass in a thong. By the way, Tommy Girl was saying, “I want to go to there,” but it was hard to understand him since his tongue was hanging out the entire time.
Baby Prince George came out of the vagine royale last July and so he’s had 8 long months to sleep, relax and wet fart, but now it’s time for him to get up out of his crib and join the family “waving and smiling at people” business. Baby Prince George started his royal duties today after he, Prince William and Duchess Kate landed in Wellington, New Zealand. Today is the first day of the royals’ three-week-long
government-paid vacation tour of New Zealand and Australia. A pair of hot poppin’ nalgas and Maori elders welcomed them to New Zealand in a traditional Maori Powhiri Ceremony. Never mind that I never EVER want to see Prince Bald Spot bent over like that again (“The royal family has been bending over the British taxpayers for centuries so it’s nice to see one of them in that position for a change” said Morrissey), this is my kind of welcome. Saying “welcome” with a pair of tattooed man cheeks is the only way to say “welcome.”
You know, whores give Duchess Kate a lot of shit for not really working a real job, but everyone can stop for now. Because based on her outfit, she served soda and peanuts on the flight from Britain to New Zealand.
And Baby Prince George’s Monday face is my new favorite Monday face.
As part of their never-ending campaign to make the peasants think that they’re just like them, Duchess Kate and Prince William released this picture of them looking like a wholesome, normal, everyday family who’s just hanging out in their everyday, normal house. Except their everyday, normal house is a damn palace, two of the people in this picture are future Head Moochers of England and it took 4 ladies-in-waiting 5 hours to get Duchess Kate Breck Girl beautiful by brushing her hair with silver combs and it took 4 men 3 hours to perfectly polish Prince William’s bald spot and creeping hairline. The Windsor genes have gone into overdrive on Prince William’s face, because his physical transformation into his daddy is over halfway complete.
But the real stars of this picture, which was taken by Jason Bell, are Baby Prince George and Lupo the dog. Lupo has a look of fear in his eye like he knows that he’s sitting before the future King of England who can have him sent to the gallows for shitting on the rug or pissing on that sharp as fuck christening gown. Lupo looks like someone’s giving him a surprise prostate exam. Wait, wait, where is Prince William’s other hand?!
This portrait is pretty basic and looks like some shit you’d see in a frame at CVS, but it could’ve easily been taken to fiery levels of YES with just one simple photo bomb:
Now THAT is a royal portrait.
Here’s PHG, Duchess Kate and Prince William wearing some boring ass royal clothes while going to the wedding one of their fancy friends today in Chippenham, England.
And if you don’t celebrate Christmas, then Prince Hot Ginge’s piping hot beard would like to wish you a Merry Wednesday!
But if you do celebrate the day we all get each other gift cards to Bed, Bath and Beyond, because we just CAN’T with shopping, then you might be drunk from guzzling down gallons of sweet nectar and processed sugar to deal with spending a full day indoors with your family. Grab another bottle, sit back and roast your chestnuts on the open fire growing on Prince Hot Ginge’s beautiful face. That ginger neck beard could give Lucifer the sweats.
PHG, Prince William, Duchess Kate, Prince Charles, Princess Beatrice, Duchess Cumilla, some other royal whores and THE QUEEN all took their asses to The Church of St Mary Magdalene for Christmas Day service today. Little Prince George didn’t come, because Prince Philip was there, so they already had a baldie who’d fall asleep, cry out of boredom, slobber and fart. They didn’t need two.
And seeing Prince William touch Prince Hot Ginge’s glorious, luscious hairy beard of fire makes me think to myself, “Prince William’s finger: I’d hit it until his nail popped off.”
Pics: AP, Splash
As I was in the middle of typing that headline, Brian Williams popped up on my TV to tell me that Nelson Mandela has taken the long walk up to heaven. So who cares about the stupid dress and the stupid necklace and the stupid grey hairs that Duchess Kate wore to the premiere of Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom in London tonight. Yes, she was at the Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom premiere, so I’m sure you’ll hear all about this outfit again when everybody reports on what she was wearing when she found out the news while watching the movie.
I’m not the one (“You said it” – you) to write an obit about Nelson Mandela’s life and his impact on humanity, so you can read a good one here.
And Here’s The Video Of Jon Bon Jovi, Taylor Swift And Prince William Singing “Livin’ On A Prayer” Together
Yesterday, I linked to a post about Jon Bon Jovi, Taylor Swift and Prince William awkwardly singing “Livin’ On A Prayer” together at the
Winter White People Gala Winter Whites Gala at Kensington Palace in London and now here’s the video of it. It’s like watching your 9-year-old former child beauty queen cousin (the one who got kicked out of Karen’s Kids for hogging up the mic all the time), your dad and your socially awkward and permanently constipated uncle sing karaoke while completely sober at a wedding.
From Taylor moving like a baby giraffe trying to ice skate to Prince William looking about as nervous as me when I went to a children’s party and realized there was no booze (I was 8), this is every kind of awkward. If only Prince Hot Ginge wasn’t currently spooning with a bear in his tent during his trek to the South Pole. He would’ve saved the show by drunkenly singing out the wrong words before falling onto Taylor causing both of them to hit the floor. PHG would’ve gotten a standing ovation, mostly because he put a stop to Taylor’s dancing.