If you change that sign to read, “Fuck This Shit,” that would be an actual picture of me after aging several decades from staying up all night to watch Prince Hot Ginge marry HER!
Meghan Markle’s wedding aisle escort, her dad Thomas Markle, is currently laid up in the hospital getting his heart operated on, so he can’t walk her down the aisle. (Although, with the way he’s been pulling in-and-out of that wedding, I wouldn’t be surprised if he makes it to London early Saturday morning and Meghan ends up pushing him down the aisle in his hospital bed while wearing her wedding dress.) But the circus must go on. Kensington Palace announced today who will be in PHG and Meghan’s bridal party. Meghan is not making the same mistake Duchess Kate is, which is to put adult women in her bridal party because then one of their asses may upstage her (see: Pippa’s ass). Instead, their bridal party is full of human slobber bags who Prince Philip will definitely blame his mid-wedding farts on.
When you pop out a kid, the government always comes for your ass to do a little ‘splaining on a birth certificate in case said child gets lost in a T.J. Maxx dressing room (thanks, Mom), they can eventually figure out who he or she belongs to. No matter how fancy you are, you have to fill out a birth certificate, so Prince William and Duchess Kate did that for all three of their kids, including their new son, Louis Arthur Charles. What has tongues wagging, though, is what those two put down for their occupation. Continue reading
The real Prince Hot Ginge’s bachelor party hasn’t happened yet, apparently, but it’s looking like it’s going to go down at a resort in the fancy Swiss ski town of Verbier. (Yes, the same town where PHG’s best man Prince William caused coochies to burst with his clit-tingling dance moves. So Verbier better duct tape down their chonies, because P. Willy’s gonna blow them off once again.) Since PHG is now a boring soon-to-be husband and is no longer a vodka-snorting naked party whore (BOOO!), his bachelor party will probably be a snooze. But no matter how boring it is, it won’t be as sad as the sight of the bachelor party staged by lookalikes at the Regent’s Canal in London today.
There was talk that the name of Prince William and Duchess Kate’s third child was accidentally revealed by a glitch on the royal website. That talk came from The Daily Mail. The name that was accidentally revealed was “Albert,” as in PRINCE ALBERT. I pictured Prince Hot Ginge and THE QUEEN whispering to each other, “Do you think we should tell those bland squares what a Prince Albert is or just let them name their son after a dick piercing and a messy bareback slut prince?“, before cackling and doing another gin shot. But I guess what really happened is that Prince George took crash courses in coding on DeVry University online and decided to mess with the media by “accidentally” revealing his brother’s name on the royal website. Because Prince William and Duchess Kate announced the name of their 4-day-old baby and it’s not Prince Albert.
The day when my internal organs all raise up several white flags after I repeatedly pour bowls of Why Me? stew (uncooked cake batter, a box of wine, 2 pounds of snickerdoodle weed cookie crumbs, 4 blended up Double Doubles, and my own tears) into my crying hole is a little over three weeks away. That means news about Prince Hot Ginge and Meghan Markle’s wedding is going from “Jesus Christ, Make It Stop” to “Jesus Christ, Buddha, Allah, Krishna, And Bea Arthur, Make It Stop.”
Kensington Palace has already announced shit about the wedding cake, the wedding flowers, the guests, and the music (which surprisingly doesn’t include Meghan Markle singing Boom I Got Your Boyfriend to us haters at her wedding reception). And today, Kensington Palace burped up the announcement that we’ve all been waiting for. No, not the announcement that Prince William and Duchess Kate named their third kid Prince Morrissey Is Trash of Cambridge. Kensington Palace announced that PHG has chosen his brother as his best man. Who else, really? The British royals are like 12-year-old me: they don’t have fwends!
SPOILER ALERT: And the new royal baby looks like… wait for it… wait for it… a baby. Although, the newborn prince looks more peaceful to me than a regular baby, and that’s probably because I know that he’ll never experience the stress that is looking at a credit card bill when the minimum amount due is $39.50 and he’s got $12 in his bank account.