While the traitor ass colonials recuperate from celebrating the anniversary of breaking up with the motherland, the British royals put on their nicest pair of bloomers and got Sunday church service elegant for 9-week-old Princess Charlotte’s christening. Princess Charlotte was hazed into the Christian church with a holy water dunk at St. Mary Magdalene on the Sandringham Estate today. Princess Charlotte wore a replica of the elegant-as-fuck lace heirloom gown that has been worn by many of her ancestor. Her own brother Prince George wore the exact same lace gown to his christening in 2013. Princess Charlotte is barely brand new and she’s already finding out that the second child has to deal with wearing their older siblings’ hand-me-downs. As a kid who had to wear his older sister’s kangaroo Halloween costume the year after she wore it, I feel your pain, Princess Charlotte. Cry it out! (Side note: I would do a “Who Worked It Better?” between Princess Charlotte and Prince George, but that wouldn’t be fair. We all know who the winner is: Prince Hot Ginge!)
While making her way to St. Mary Magdalene, Princess Charlotte passed her royal subjects in a chariot (aka a Mary Poppins pram) pushed by Duchess Kate. Thankfully, Prince George didn’t stab me in the soul and leave me for dead by wearing ungodly CROCs again. Instead, he wore his signature t-band Mary Jane nun shoes with baggy high-waisted shorts and a little shirt. Prince George’s outfit was an homage to an outfit that his dad Prince William wore to meet his baby brother for the first time. The look is very casual Friday Von Trapp child and I’m sure it will be the look of the summer for rich toddlers.
Just like her brother, Princess Charlotte has several godparents. Princess Charlotte has 3 godfathers and 2 godmothers, and none of them are Pippa Middleton or Prince Hot Ginge. Princess Diana’s niece is one of Princess Charlotte’s godmothers, though. Those British royals and their multiple godparents! They probably do that so they can get even more presents at Christmastime and on birthdays. Is there any limit to their greed?! Eh, Princess Charlotte deserves it after being forced to wear her brother’s old dress on her big day.
I was going to title this “American royalty” meets “British royalty,” but that would be a lie wrapped in a heavy layer of NO. Because this post is not about how Shauna Sand and her boy toy had high tea at a Hooters in Nottingham with Jodie Marsh and whoever she’s boning at the moment.
Years from now, history teachers will extensively cover June 26, 2015 and not because it’s the day that the Supreme Court made the dreams come true of every aspiring gay gold digger in every state. They will cover that day, because it’s the day that Dame St. Angie Jolie, Brad Pitt, Duchess Kate and Prince William drank tea together. CNN should really close up and give it up, because instead of covering a highly historical event like this, they spent hours reporting on those prison escapees last night.
Unlike CNN, UsWeekly knows what journalism is, because they exclusively reported about how Brangelina had tea with the royals at Kensington Palace yesterday afternoon. Brangelina are in London for charity stuff and while there, they drank tea (but was it Tension Tamer tea?) with Duchess Kate and Prince William and they also brought a gift for Princess Charlotte. A rep for Kensington Palace said they talked about illegal wildlife shit.
After months of coordinating, the two power couples met for the first time at a private Kensington Palace meeting. “The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge met with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Pitt at Kensington Palace on Friday afternoon,” a Kensington Palace spokesman tells Us Weekly exclusively. “They discussed their shared interest in combatting the illegal wildlife trade.”
“Everyone got on splendidly,” says the source of their afternoon tea. “Brad and Angelina spent much longer with the Duke and Duchess than planned. They ended up staying for almost a few hours.”
They drank tea and talked about illegal animals for “almost a few hours” (whatever the hell that means)? I call bullshit on that. They probably spent those “almost a few hours” smoking weed out of a blueberry scone Brad Pitt turned into a bong before swapping partners. But I’m sure we’ll soon find out what really went on during those “almost a few hours” when the History Channel airs a 6-part series about the most historical meeting of our time.
GOD SAVE THE PRINCE FROM THOSE RUBBER DEVIL MITTS ON HIS FEETS!
Any trick who spits up at the mouth about how the royals never work can eat their peasant words, because they worked two shifts this weekend. Yesterday, Duchess Kate, Prince William and the hardest working baby in the game (sorry, Justin Bieber) Prince George had to smile and wave at THE QUEEN’s annual birthday parade. You’d think that after all that waving they’d have to spend their Sunday resting their wavin’ hands in freshly warmed fine velvet cloths as their servants massage their sore smiling muscles, but nope. They were back at work today at the Festival of Polo at the Beaufort Polo Club in Tetbury, England.
People says that Duchess Kate, Prince George and some other British royal types watched Prince Hot Ginge and Prince William play polo. I guess tiny royal princes care as much about polo as I do, because Prince George spent most of the time playing on some hill. Photographer James Whatling gave this highly riveting and majorly thrilling witness account of Prince George trying to slide down a slope:
“[George] was playing on the bank. He was walking up the steps and then tried sliding down the bank. The older ones like Savannah was doing it so he wanted to do it too. He was sliding down and Kate joined him, trying to support him as he did.”
When a biopic about Prince George’s life is made in the future, I expect that moment to be the most captivating and edge-of-your-seat scene in the movie. But really, who cares about that when we have more important things to talk about like those CROCS!
I know that Duchess Kate and Prince William want their family to be the people’s royal family or whatever, but they have gone too far by making their kid wear CROCS. I’ve said before that it’s only okay to wear CROCS if you’re planting some shit in your garden or if you’re a baby who doesn’t know any better, but I take it back. Because now that Prince George has been photographed in toddler CROCS, I’m sure they’re already sold out and soon my eyes will be terrorized by the sight of kids in CROCS everywhere.
But you know, I bet that Prince George picked out those CROCS himself, because he don’t give a hell and can do whatever he wants. In that picture above, he’s totally thinking to himself, “I will wear CROCS and I will fart on you. I’m the future king!”
I have no idea what Prince Harry is doing with his tongue, but I do know it’s my duty to crop this pic right around his head and send it to Michael K immediately.
Even though Prince George has appeared before his subjects countless times before, today was the first time he’s ever done it on the Buckingham Palace balcony with all the other fancy Royal Family types. I guess getting invited onto the Palace balcony is a pretty big deal, because George was dressed in his fancy baby best. According to TIME, George wore the exact same outfit his daddy wore when he made his first appearance on the Palace balcony in 1984. You know you’re about to do something very important when you see your mom pulling out a Space Bag and blowing 30 years worth of moth ball dust and dried-up spiders off of it.
But Prince George didn’t decide to make an appearance on the balcony just because he felt like it. It was for The Queen’s annual Trooping the Colour ceremony. I really one of The Queen’s corgi’s warned those pilots to keep their eyes on the sky, because I can imagine their flying would get all kinds of sloppy in the event they accidentally looked down at the balcony and got distracted by Prince George being adorable.
Not only was it a big day for Prince George, but it was also a big day for his mom. Today was Duchess Kate’s first day back at work since pushing out Princess Charlotte six weeks ago. Maybe that would explain her hat; nothing says “Aw shit, back to work” like wearing a hat made out of a plastic bedpan.
Here’s more of Prince George being cute as hell while watching a bunch of planes fly overhead during the Trooping the Colour ceremony earlier today.
I’m pulling out my pitchfork now, because Duchess Kate and Prince William had ONE JOB to do (Side note: Seriously, naming their baby princess was their only job this week, because I’m sure they’ll get a few weeks off before they have to go back to their main job of waving and smiling at their subjects during a ribbon-cutting ceremony.) and they screwed it up. They didn’t name the new baby princess Princess Jodie Katie. They didn’t even name her my second choice: Princess Harryetta Concepcion Fuckyoumorrissey. It’s May Fourth, so they could’ve gotten on the good side of the nerds by naming her Princess Leia Organa of Cambridge. But they didn’t go with any of those. They went the predictable royal name route. Duchess Kate and Prince William decided to name their baby princess after his dad, memaw and mom. Kensington Palace tweeted this today:
The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are delighted to announce that they have named their daughter Charlotte Elizabeth Diana.
All hail Princess Charlie! Charlotte is also Pippa Middleton’s middle name and Elizabeth is also Kate’s mother’s middle name. Kensington Palace said she’ll go by the super casual title of: Her Royal Highness Princess Charlotte of Cambridge. I’m going to tell myself that they really named her Charlotte after Charlotte Rae.
The name Charlotte Elizabeth Diana is every layer of posh. Charlotte Elizabeth sounds like the name of the floral bedding company that is Laura Ashley’s main rival. Charlotte, Elizabeth and Diana also sound like the names of the three rich sorority girls who headed a campaign to get Lilly Pulitzer to pull the line they did for Target, because they can’t stand and watch their beloved rich girl brand cheapen itself by collaborating with a store where the poors shop. The name of the baby princess should make you want to curtsy and bow your head like a commoner when you say it, so Charlotte Diana Elizabeth is perfect.
And it’s going to be a little awkward for Princess Charlotte when she takes the “Which Sex And The City Character Are You?” quiz on Buzzfeed and gets “You’re a Miranda.“
Surprise! She looks like a baby! She also looks a bit like an adorable sleeping baked potato, but that’s what I think all babies look like.
Approximately 3.3 seconds after she gave birth, Duchess Kate summoned her royal glam team (2 corgis with exceptional hair styling skills and one with the ability to apply eyeshadow), slipped out of her hospital gown and into a dress that has no doubt already sold out from here to Jupiter, and brought Baby Prince George’s new baby sister outside to meet everyone. As of right now, New Baby Princess still doesn’t have a name. Why are you making us wait, Duchess Kate? Just tell us her name already! Did you name her Maddysynn Quelseigh or what?
But more importantly, what does Baby Prince George think of all of this new baby business?
“Sorry, I haven’t had time to process it; I’ve been far too busy trying to figure out who approved this daddy-n-me matching outfit nonsense. Ugh, how humiliating – we look like the tea and crumpets version of The Heart Family.”
Here’s more of Duchess Kate and Prince William introducing New Baby Princess to the world earlier today, as well as Prince William bringing Baby Prince George to meet his new baby sister. Two questions: 1) How in the hell does Duchess Kate not look like a melting exhausted sweat monster so shortly after she gave birth? 2) No really, what the hell kind of royal sorcery is this?
While some of us were passed out after a night of hard partying (read: boozing while watching old Flavor of Love season 1 episodes on Amazon), Duchess Kate was in the Auntie Lindo Wing of St. Mary’s Hospital delicately pushing as one of her ladies-in-waiting held smelling salts to Prince William’s nose, because it was only the second time he’s seen her vagina and it’s still too much for him. Before I passed out, THE PALACE announced that Duchess Kate’s royal water broke and she had gone into labor and I figured it was going to be a while. But DK popped the fourth heir to the throne out in just two hours. She was over it and the new princess couldn’t wait to come out and ruin Morrissey’s entire weekend. It feels like it happened so fast. I mean, if I didn’t spend 5 hours staring at that damn hospital door on the livestream, did the royal baby’s birth even happen?
Duchess Kate and Prince William’s daughter is the first Princess of Cambridge to be born in 180 years. As the world cheered for the little princess who gets to wear all those fancy clothes, Baby Prince George sat in a corner thinking to himself, “Uh, okay, but is she first born?”
“Her royal highness the Duchess of Cambridge was safely delivered of a daughter at 8.34am. The baby weighs 8lbs 3oz. The Duke of Cambridge was present for the birth.
“The Queen, the Duke of Edinburgh, the Prince of Wales, the Duchess of Cornwall, Prince Harry and members of both families have been informed and are delighted with the news. Her royal highness and her child are both doing well.”
The unnamed princess is supposed to make her debut with her parents in front of the Lindo Wing sometime today. We need a real royal ESCANDALO! It’s been a while. So I hope that has a full head of sparkling ginger hair, a sly look on her face and when she opens up her mouth the first word out is, “Vodka.”
Hopefully, they’ll tell us today what the new baby princess’ name is, because that’s what everyone cares about right? Everyone is guessing either Diana (of course), Alice, Charlotte, Elizabeth and Victoria. I say no to all of those names. If Duchess Kate and Prince William don’t name her Princess Jodie Katie after two of England’s most refined, graceful and articulate ladies, they should be stripped of their titles and run out of the country!
The Telegraph says that the fourth in line to the throne and Baby Prince George’s standby was supposed to be pulled out of Duchess Kate’s royal vagine last Thursday, but none of spent the day staring at the front door of the Lindo Wing (named after Auntie Lindo from Joy Luck Club, of course) for hours on end, so obviously that didn’t happen. The Telegraph’s source says that the newest baby prince or princess is four days late and I’m not surprised. Babies are rude. They’re like my cousins. They’re always late and when they do get around to showing up, they cry for a drank. On second thought, it’s wrong of me to compare babies to my cousins. Yes, babies are rude, but at least they show up with a dish (aka the placenta). My cousins just show up with empty Tupperware containers to take leftovers home.
Some unnamed person whose baby was born in the Lindo Wing at St. Mary’s Hospital tells The Telegraph that Duchess Kate’s doctors have probably already talked to her about inducing, because doctors normally don’t wait longer than a week. But an aide for Kensington Palace (aka The weekday receptionist who answered the phone. So Fergie, basically.) told UsWeekly that everyone needs to shut their mouths about DK’s due date because they don’t know shit about shit:
“We have never commented on or discussed a due date.”
DK said before that her “due date” is somewhere between mid-April and late-April, so those patriotic jewels of England in the picture above may have to camp out for a few more days.
If DK really wants the new royal baby to come out now, there’s a few things she can try. Doctors say that an effective, yet severely cruel, inducing method involves blasting a Nickelback song into the mother’s mouth. The sound will travel down into the womb and that baby will immediately bust out the nearest exit to get away from that musical torture. She can also get somebody to wave a picture of Prince Hot Ginge with a puppy in front of her royal vagine. The royal baby will immediately crawl toward it, because no human can resist a picture of PHG with a puppy. And lastly, if someone whispers the words, “Morrissey is having the best day ever,” next to Duchess Kate’s stomach, that baby will come out real quick, because nothing ruins Morrissey’s month like knowing that there’s another British royal amongst us and those British royals live to ruin Morrissey’s month.
And here’s the new royal baby’s uncle looking hot at the London Marathon yesterday.
I have no idea why, but I just pictured Duchess Kate saying “Bye y’all, bye y’all” like Tami Taylor. Maybe it’s the hair? Regardless, this is the last time you’ll see Duchess Kate do the royal smile n’ wave for a while, because she’s now officially on maternity leave. Duchess Kate made her last official royal appearance earlier today at the Stephen Lawrence Centre in South London with Prince William, and now she’s free to kick up her feet up on a corgi while she wait for the contractions to start. I wonder if her coats threw her a going away party?
With Kate stuck in the house cruising Craigslist for a housekeeper, I wonder if Prince William will sub-in an alternate for future appearances? The obvious choice would be Prince Harry, but even better would be if Prince William swapped himself out for Baby Prince George.
Then they should switch out the royal limousine for a Harley with a sidecar. And instead of playing whatever boring-ass song they play when Duchess Kate and Prince William show up, they blast “Raise A Little Hell” by Trooper. That’s the royal visit I want to see! I can just picture a hungover Harry screaming into a megaphone: “Ladies and gentlemen of whatever charity we’re making an appearance at, please welcome the Bad Boyz of Buckingham Palace!” before turning to his nephew and saying “Oi, George – pass me a sick bag, mate.”
Here’s more of Duchess Kate on her last day of work for a while (I know, “work” should be in quotations):
Pics: Splash, Wenn.com
While some of us spend our St. Patrick’s Day worshipping the green by smoking it in a bong (I guess that means EVERY day is St. Patrick’s Day for me), the British royals had to do actual work! Take that, hating whores (see: Morrissey) who always throw cold runny shit at the British royals for doing nothing but exfoliate their pristine royal skin with a paste made from the shredded bills they take from taxpayers. Duchess Kate is 8 months knocked up and she still showed up on time to the St. Patrick’s Day Parade at Mons Barracks today where she waved, smiled, waved, shook hands, pet a dog and smiled some more. The smiling part is really impressive, because I didn’t think a woman who is in the final stages of being knocked up was able to smile. Every chick I see who is seconds away from expelling a squatter from her body is usually gritting her teeth while making a level 10 “I am so over this shit” face. But not Duchess Kate. She is a professional!
While wearing shamrock bouquets that look like something a Chia Pet shat up (or like Mother Nature’s pube bush), Duchess Kate and Prince William visited with Irish guards and gave shamrocks to officers and guardsmen of the regiment. I have one very, very important question:
WHERE IN THE HELL IS PRINCE HOT GINGE?!
How can there be an official St. Patrick’s Day event in the UK without an almost naked and nearly unemployed Prince Hot Ginge twerking to Cock O’ The North while wearing a shamrock thong? That should be tradition! Eh, he’s probably busy snorting green vodka with the Alabama Leprechaun.