I have no idea why, but I just pictured Duchess Kate saying “Bye y’all, bye y’all” like Tami Taylor. Maybe it’s the hair? Regardless, this is the last time you’ll see Duchess Kate do the royal smile n’ wave for a while, because she’s now officially on maternity leave. Duchess Kate made her last official royal appearance earlier today at the Stephen Lawrence Centre in South London with Prince William, and now she’s free to kick up her feet up on a corgi while she wait for the contractions to start. I wonder if her coats threw her a going away party?
With Kate stuck in the house cruising Craigslist for a housekeeper, I wonder if Prince William will sub-in an alternate for future appearances? The obvious choice would be Prince Harry, but even better would be if Prince William swapped himself out for Baby Prince George.
Then they should switch out the royal limousine for a Harley with a sidecar. And instead of playing whatever boring-ass song they play when Duchess Kate and Prince William show up, they blast “Raise A Little Hell” by Trooper. That’s the royal visit I want to see! I can just picture a hungover Harry screaming into a megaphone: “Ladies and gentlemen of whatever charity we’re making an appearance at, please welcome the Bad Boyz of Buckingham Palace!” before turning to his nephew and saying “Oi, George – pass me a sick bag, mate.”
Here’s more of Duchess Kate on her last day of work for a while (I know, “work” should be in quotations):
Pics: Splash, Wenn.com
While some of us spend our St. Patrick’s Day worshipping the green by smoking it in a bong (I guess that means EVERY day is St. Patrick’s Day for me), the British royals had to do actual work! Take that, hating whores (see: Morrissey) who always throw cold runny shit at the British royals for doing nothing but exfoliate their pristine royal skin with a paste made from the shredded bills they take from taxpayers. Duchess Kate is 8 months knocked up and she still showed up on time to the St. Patrick’s Day Parade at Mons Barracks today where she waved, smiled, waved, shook hands, pet a dog and smiled some more. The smiling part is really impressive, because I didn’t think a woman who is in the final stages of being knocked up was able to smile. Every chick I see who is seconds away from expelling a squatter from her body is usually gritting her teeth while making a level 10 “I am so over this shit” face. But not Duchess Kate. She is a professional!
While wearing shamrock bouquets that look like something a Chia Pet shat up (or like Mother Nature’s pube bush), Duchess Kate and Prince William visited with Irish guards and gave shamrocks to officers and guardsmen of the regiment. I have one very, very important question:
WHERE IN THE HELL IS PRINCE HOT GINGE?!
How can there be an official St. Patrick’s Day event in the UK without an almost naked and nearly unemployed Prince Hot Ginge twerking to Cock O’ The North while wearing a shamrock thong? That should be tradition! Eh, he’s probably busy snorting green vodka with the Alabama Leprechaun.
“But did you put your index finger up to your lips as if to make a Shhhh hand gesture in order to confirm that we required a truly discreet housekeeper. Did you do that? Did you do the Shhhh finger thing?”
“Oi, I did the bloody finger thing! Now either slag off or fetch me a Curly Wurly and some custard to dip it into.”
If you happen to be good at both wiping shit up and keeping your mouth shut, now might be the time to stowaway on a flight to England. Prince William and Duchess Kate are apparently in the market for someone to scrub the royal scootch marks out of the royal shitters without blabbing about said scooch marks, because they recently took out a personal ad in a fancy magazine called The Lady looking for a “discreet” housekeeper for their fancy country house, Anmer Hall.
The ad doesn’t come right out and say “WANTED: SOMEONE TO PICK UP AFTER WILL AND KATE”, but that help is needed at “a large family home in Norfolk” but People says it’s totally them. Duties include “cleaning all areas of the house to a high standard; caring for and maintaining the home owners’ clothing; cleaning silverware and glassware; purchasing groceries and general provisions for the house; and dealing with deliveries.” Not mentioned: cleaning up after Royal Baby Prince George every time he purposely tips his bowl of Cheerios onto the floor and laughs with sadistic glee.
But what the hell do they need a housekeeper for? Can they not just train one of The Queen’s super-smart corgis to clean up after them like that housekeeping dog from Peter Pan? Lazy ass corgis.
You really ain’t right if you’re wondering why I’m posting another Miley Cyrus post. Baby Prince George doesn’t deserve that comparison.
Duchess Kate and Prince William released three portraits of the future 17-month-old King of England, Baby Prince George, being a baby on the steps of Kensington Palace. UsWeekly says that the pictures were taken in November and the royals are releasing them now, because they know you’ll want to print them out, frame them and put them on your mantel before Christmas times. The photographer really captured Baby Prince George being pure Baby Prince George, because in that picture above he’s making a smirk like he sees a brat playing with one of his toys and he just wants to strangle them. Pure BPG!
Prince Hot Ginge’s future drinking partner isn’t only serving FACE in these portraits, he’s serving FASHION too. Every menswear designer in Paris has to cut their weekend short and go back into the office tomorrow. They’ll have to scrap everything they’ve worked on because next season is all about black knee socks, nun shoes and knitted Queen’s Guard vests. Baby Prince George sets the fashion bar.
After the cut are two more pictures of BPG looking like a miniature old man.
Money must be tight at the castle (cut to two surly dudes named Nigel and Simon repossessing Baby Prince George and Unky Harry’s solid-gold hot tub), because on the left is Duchess Kate wearing a Jenny Packham dress at a fundraiser back in February, and on the right is a 5-months pregnant Duchess Kate wearing the same Jenny Packham dress to the St. Andrews University 600th anniversary dinner in NYC last night. And this isn’t even the first time she’s recycled that dress either; E! says she also wore it to a benefit 14 months ago. Wearing the same dress three times to three fancy events? Say it with me now: GAUCHE! Even Chanel-suit Marge Simpson is like “You need to get a new dress.”
But now that the snobby bitch in me is done talking, the lazy leggings-wearing sloth that I truly am can admit that I don’t totally hate that Duchess Kate decided to recycle that dress. First of all, it’s not hideous (that’s a type of compliment, right?). Second, when you wear the same dress a couple of times, there are no surprises; you know exactly just how much cheese you can eat before the fabric around the waist goes from tight to pray for zipper. Or whether or not you need to worry that your thighs will create a whole bunch of static cling that makes the fabric bunch up and look like your pussy is trying to eat your dress. Or if the fabric will show wine stains when you get a case of the sloppies. These are the important questions.
Here’s more of Duchess Kate and Prince William at the 600th anniversary of St. Andrews in NYC last night. Sidenote: you know you’re rich as shit when you’re invited to the 600th anniversary of something.
“Ermahgerd! A few months ago, Willy busted one in me while ‘Drunk In Love’ was playing and now I’m knocked up with a spare. Thank you, King B!” is probably what Duchess Kate is saying to Beyonce in that picture. And yes, I’m trying to figure out how to say “Ermahgerd” with a British accent.
Duchess Kate and Prince William’s trip to NYC took them to Brooklyn last night where they met the King and Queen of the Beyhive on the floor of the kingdom that Jay-Z owns one-fifth of one percent of. Below is a video from The Hollywood Reporter where a guy tells Duchess Kate and Prince William to get their royal asses up out of their seats to walk a few steps to greet Beyonce and Jay-Z.
How gracious of the royals to let their subjects skip the whole “bowing down” thing. I’m talking about Beyonce and Jay-Z of course. It was so nice of Beyonce to let Duchess Kate and Prince William break Beyhive royal protocol by not bowing down before her. Not even Michelle Williams gets to do that! Who knows what these rich bitches talked about. Duchess Kate probably told Jay-Z that she’s sorry to hear about his 99 problems and at one point I’m sure Beyonce gave DK the number to her personal wig master just in case Prince William wants to dress up that bald spot. Today, Bill and Cathy Cambridge are visiting the 9/11 Memorial and then I’m sure they’ll do tourist stuff like go see Mamma Mia! after having dinner at Manhattan’s finest restaurant Guy Fieri’s American Kitchen + Bar.
Also, a small ESCANDALO happened last night after the game. LeBron James ignored the invisible “Do Not Put Your Peasant Hands On The Royal” sign hanging on Duchess Kate when he put his arm around her. The Daily Mail dramatically says that LeBron BREACHED PROTOCOL, so I’m sure THE QUEEN will declare war on our yanky asses for this.
If you’re going to blatantly breach protocol by touching a sacred royal from a different country on American soil (copyright: Laura Jeanne Poon), then you must throw a sneaky rebel side-eye while doing so.
Pics: Splash, Getty
And once again, I zoomed in on his stuffed crust crotch area. What is wrong with me? Don’t answer that. So it’s Day 2 of Prince William and Duchess Kate’s Excellent American Adventure, and Prince William got to go to the White House and meet with President Barack Obama. According to Us Weekly, they both wore blue suits and hung out in the Oval Office to talk about wildlife trafficking. Because I’m a next-level dum dum, I had to ask Michael K what wildlife trafficking was, and apparently it’s when shady types smuggle animals and ivory for no good. Sort of like if Khloe Kardashian snuck herself on a plane headed for Tatooine, I guess.
They also talked about Baby Prince George, who I assume is back at home chilling out in the hot tub with a couple cold apple juice-kees and Unky Harry, since there have been 0 reports of stolen toys or angry baby eye-shankings. Prince William reportedly told Obama that Baby Prince George’s birth was “chaos” and that he’s expecting 2015 to be an “interesting, busy year” with Baby No. 2 on the way. “OH, you have NO idea” said Baby Prince George, as he attempted to flush a corgi down one of the royal toilets.
Meanwhile, back in New York, Duchess Kate spent the morning with First Lady Chirlane McCray in Harlem at the Northside Center for Child Development. Duchess Kate Coat Watch, Day 2: Kate wore a black knee-length wool coat. And tonight, Will and Kate will get to meet real royalty when they sit court-side at a Brooklyn Nets game with Her Majesty of Heaven and Earth Beyonce and her husband Jay Camel. Hmmm, I wonder who will bow first?
If You’re A Slob Ass Reporter In Jeans, Don’t Even Think Of Talking To Duchess Kate And Prince William
Duchess Kate and Prince William are coming to the East Coast of the US in a couple of weeks, because they want to spit in the faces of the traitors who busted out of their country a million years ago and they probably also want to fill their guts with Shake Shack. Politico (via The NY Post) says that to prepare for their visit to the US, the British Monarchy has shat up a dress code for any American reporter who wants to talk to their royal highnesses. If you even think about asking Duchess Kate a question while looking like wrinkled, busted up trash, the royal guards will tackle you and drag you away. A dude who happens to be a royal because he was born into it and a chick who clung onto his ass until he married her deserves your utmost respect! Here’s the official dress code from the royal family:
Journalists wishing to cover Royal engagements, whether in the United Kingdom or abroad, should comply with the dress code on formal occasions out of respect for the guests of The Queen, or any other member of the Royal Family.
Smart attire for men includes the wearing of a jacket and tie, and for women a trouser or skirt suit. Those wearing jeans or trainers will not be admitted and casually dressed members of the media will be turned away. This also applies to technicians.
Didn’t this country’s forefathers bust out of Britain because they were sick of being told what to do and now they’re still bossing us around! Duchess Kate isn’t our duchess and Prince William isn’t our prince so why in the hell do we have to wash our pits, put on a clip-on tie and change out of sweats to hang around them? I bet Duchess Kate and Prince William are the type to demand that I change out of my usual home outfit of torn underwear, a shorty robe and mismatched socks when they invite themselves over. The AUDACITY!
I’m sure that when Prince Hot Ginge is involved that dress code is tweaked to read: “and chonies or optional.” Because it’s impossible to keep your chonies on when in the presence of PHG.
After spending the last several weeks hunched over one of the gem-encrusted golden toilets at Kensington Palace barfing her knocked-up guts out, Duchess Kate is finally well enough to slip on a pair of pantyhose and pull out the eyeliner and return to work. Praise be to the pregnancy gods! It’s been too long since Duchess Kate smiled and waved and wore a silly little hat and wore an outfit that sold out in 0.03 seconds! Curse you, hyperemesis gravidarum, you Harry Potter-sounding hurl-making killjoy!
The Daily Mail says that Kate’s first job back from sick leave was to pack up the royal fetus in a fancy Alexander McQueen coat and join Prince William at Buckingham Palace to install new drywall in the den and re-paint the powder room. No! It was to welcome the President of Singapore and his wife. They shook hands! They drank tea! Duchess Kate tried very hard to keep from using her tiny hat as a makeshift barf bag! Meanwhile, Prince Harry was also chilling out in Buckingham Palace with a case of the sicks too, but it was because one of the guards dared him to chug 6 Jägerbombs and play spinny bat with St. Edward’s Sceptre the night before.
After they met with the President of Singapore, Kate and Will then whistled for the valet to bring around their horse-drawn whip and they went home. Phew! What a day! Sounds exhausting. But really, all sarcasm aside, I’m sure it was exhausting. Have you ever tried to work with a case of the barfs? It’s fucking DIFFICULT! And I’ve heard that morning sickness is like a hangover dry humped food poisoning, so I bet Kate was working overtime to make sure she didn’t blow crumpet chunks on the President or his wife.
Here’s more of Kate and William working 9 to 5 (9:00am to 9:05am). Fun Fact! Kate is about 13 weeks pregnant, which means that judging by the size of her tummy bump, that puts my bloated cheeseburger locker at around 24 weeks. Congratulations to me!
Kensington Palace Says That Duchess Kate Will Birth Out Her Second Fancy Royal Baby Sometime In April
I’m not sure what Prince Harry, Duchess Kate, and Prince William are looking at in this picture, but whatever it is, it’s giving them the same glazed-over look in their eyes I get when I look at a picture of the Royal Family that doesn’t include Baby Prince George or The Queen’s loyal army of corgis, aka the REAL STAHS of that family. Maybe I’ll Photoshop a corgi perching on Prince William’s shoulder (like a pirate with a parrot) later.
Speaking of Baby Prince George, he only has about 5 months left of struttin’ around the house like he owns the place (even though he technically owns the place). The Telegraph says that Kensington Palace has confirmed that Duchess Kate’s second FRF (fancy royal fetus) is due sometime in April. They also said she still has a case of the sicks, but she’s hurling a lot less than she was in the beginning of her pregnancy. Less hurling? Party on, Kate!
The arrival of Duchess Kate’s FRF in April means there’s a 1 in 30 chance it could be born on either The Queen’s 89th birthday (April 21st) or Kate and William’s 4th wedding anniversary (April 29th). Sorry, did I say 1 in 30? I meant a snowball’s chance in hell, cause ain’t no fancy royal baby stealing The Queen’s thunder on her own birthday! I bet The Queen has instructed her thuggiest corgi to make sure Kate doesn’t go into labor anywhere near April 21st by crawling up the royal cooch and telling that baby to stay put or else. But if by some unholy miracle the baby is born on The Queen’s birthday, she can always use her Queenly powers to change the hour of the baby’s birth into a new day, like April 21.5 or April-ish. Problem solved!