As I was in the middle of typing that headline, Brian Williams popped up on my TV to tell me that Nelson Mandela has taken the long walk up to heaven. So who cares about the stupid dress and the stupid necklace and the stupid grey hairs that Duchess Kate wore to the premiere of Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom in London tonight. Yes, she was at the Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom premiere, so I’m sure you’ll hear all about this outfit again when everybody reports on what she was wearing when she found out the news while watching the movie.
I’m not the one (“You said it” – you) to write an obit about Nelson Mandela’s life and his impact on humanity, so you can read a good one here.
And Here’s The Video Of Jon Bon Jovi, Taylor Swift And Prince William Singing “Livin’ On A Prayer” Together
Yesterday, I linked to a post about Jon Bon Jovi, Taylor Swift and Prince William awkwardly singing “Livin’ On A Prayer” together at the
Winter White People Gala Winter Whites Gala at Kensington Palace in London and now here’s the video of it. It’s like watching your 9-year-old former child beauty queen cousin (the one who got kicked out of Karen’s Kids for hogging up the mic all the time), your dad and your socially awkward and permanently constipated uncle sing karaoke while completely sober at a wedding.
From Taylor moving like a baby giraffe trying to ice skate to Prince William looking about as nervous as me when I went to a children’s party and realized there was no booze (I was 8), this is every kind of awkward. If only Prince Hot Ginge wasn’t currently spooning with a bear in his tent during his trek to the South Pole. He would’ve saved the show by drunkenly singing out the wrong words before falling onto Taylor causing both of them to hit the floor. PHG would’ve gotten a standing ovation, mostly because he put a stop to Taylor’s dancing.
While Prince George laid around his palace in his sharp-as-fuck christening gown (Note: When life gives you a stunning and luxurious christening gown like that, you never take it off until your growing limbs bust the seams), his mom and dad waved, smiled, waved, smiled, waved, smiled and waved some more at their day job in London this morning. Duchess Kate and Prince William took a bus ride with servicemen and women for London Poppy Day, which is the day that all Brits celebrate Poppy Pomfrey. No, London Poppy Day is a day when volunteers at tube and railway stations try to raise £1 million in one day for Poppy Appeal, a charity that helps military families. And just because I want to type the word “poppy” one more time: POPPY.
Hair dye and brown hair mascara sales dropped to record lows today when everybody saw Duchess Kate’s grey roots on her 1975 Kate Jackson hair. The top of Duchess Kate’s head was almost as shiny as the top of Prince William’s bald globe. The Daily Mail raised a magnifying glass from their Detective La Toya starter kit and got to the bottom of this! They brought up these highly important points:
Grey hair not directly associated with pregnancy
Many women find hair feels and looks thinner after having a baby
Some mothers avoid dyeing hair while pregnant or breastfeeding
Or maybe she’s just had grey hair for a while and we’ve never seen it because she’s always got a hat that looks like a stuffed pancake on her head. But really, I’m sure that’s not grey hair. Since Duchess Kate is a royal now, liquid diamonds flow through her insides and sometimes they overflow and seep out of her skull. Whatever the case may be, silver Sharpies and Wite-Out are already sold out, because EVERYONE wants silvery grey roots now. Silvery grey roots are so now.
Here’s more of Duchess Kate and Prince William riding the bus today. I also threw in some pictures of my favorite Poppy Chulo honoring fallen soldiers at the Field of Remembrance in London today:
And no, I’m not talking about Prince Hot Ginge for once. I’m talking about THE QUEEN’S purse!
Here’s the official pictures from Prince George’s royal christening taken by world-renowned photographer Olan Mills and in every picture THE QUEEN’S in, so is her most trusted friend in the world: her pocketbook. Do you really think THE QUEEN is going to leave her purse on a table somewhere out of her eyesight? If you think she should’ve been separated from her purse for these pictures, then you don’t know the royal family. They are a bunch of thieving, shifty bitches who would steal a queef out of a snatch if they needed one. If THE QUEEN left her purse out for one second, Prince Hot Ginge would go through it and steal her little bottles of malt liquor. If she left her purse out for two seconds, Prince Charles would steal her poppers. If she left her purse out for three seconds, Camilla would steal her bag of sugar cubes (which she throws in Camilla’s mouth whenever she feels that trick is talking too much). So THE QUEEN always keeps her purse close to her. The first rule of Abuelita Club is NEVER be more than 1 foot away from your purse, because your family members are sneaky whores and they will steal from you the same way the royal family steals from their subjects. Keep that purse close and slap any tramp that touches it.
Here’s more of the royal family looking like melting candle people while posing in the ugliest suite at the Marriott. I know I said this yesterday, but I need to say it again: Prince George’s gown is flawless and I’m sure Andre Leon Talley is having a copy made right now. Sorry, ALT, but you just don’t have the pudgy, short, tiny baby arms needed to work that lace gown like PG does.
Not pictured: THE QUEEN making a “You BETTA recognize, hussy” face.
Who knew that British royals are just like us! They also have to bow their heads down to their abuelitas or face the wrath of the pocketbook (the pocketbook is the British royals’ answer to the chancleta). I spent way too much time focusing on Prince George’s sharp-as-shit christening gown, so I completely forgot to add this video of the royals air kissing and bowing down to THE QUEEN at his christening in London today. My favorite part is when Prince George glides in and gets into a stare down contest with THE QUEEN. (Spoiler alert: THE QUEEN won.)
Prince William is trying to make it look like Prince George is waving, but it looks more like he’s nonchalantly playing a tiny invisible piano with one hand.
Once inside the chapel, Prince George was christened with water from the River Jordan. I’m guessing that by “the River Jordan” they mean Katie Price’s bathwater, right? And right after the River Jordan water was poured on Prince George’s head, PHG let out a stream of giggles, because he swapped that river water with vodka.
Duchess Kate thinks she’s the only British royal who can sell out a piece of clothing just by wearing it, but she’s dead wrong. Yes, thousands of her subjects are running to their local bakery to buy a mound of bread dough after seeing Duchess Kate wear one on her head at Prince George’s Christian orientation/hazing ceremony in the Chapel Royal at St James’s Palace in London today. But even more people are furiously searching the Internet to find out who designed Prince George’s luxurious lace gown, because they want it. Well, sorry wannabes, but that shit is vintage and no, you can’t buy it at Decades or one of those other fancy shops where rich hos buy used clothes for thousands of dollars. Prince George’s shit is a family heirloom and a one-of-a-kind design, bitches.
The BBC says that Prince George’s gown is a replica of the lace and satin christening gown made for Queen Victoria’s eldest daughter, Victoria, the Princess Royal, in 1841. Prince Hot Ginge (see him working it here) and every other royal has worn that same christening gown since then. The design is stunning and that train elongates Prince George’s legs so he looks five feet tall instead of one foot tall (or however the hell tall he is). Expect Tommy Girl to try that “train makes your legs look longer” trick. And Prince George knows that he’s got this and he’s already looking down at Suri Cruise, Blue Ivy Carter and North West from the top of Vogue Bambini’s Best Dressed Baby Child In The WORLD list.
And because he’s the future King of England and has to do everything extra, Prince George has seven godparents who will be his spiritual advisors and guide him through life. They are:
No, I wish. The real list is here. No Jodie Marsh! No Prince Hot Ginge! Can you believe that shit? That list sucks. The only person I know on that list is Zara Phillips and that’s because I once bought a coat half price at her store in the Menlo Park Mall in New Jersey.
Ever since the future King of England was pulled out of Duchess Kate’s royal vagine, she’s done a whole lot of firsts. When she went grocery shopping, the media said she went outside for the first time since giving birth to Prince Hot Ginge’s future drinking partner. When she went to some marathon, the media (and I) said that she went to work for the first time since she got THE QUEEN off of her asshole by giving birth to a boy heir. And then tonight, DK went to an official royal event for the first time since doing you know what. I’m sure there’s an article out there somewhere about Duchess Kate pooting out her first fart since giving birth or doing her first cinnamon schnapps shot off of PHG’s nip since giving birth. I will update once I find them.
In the meantime… Duchess Kate and Prince William went to the Tusk Conservation Awards, which celebrates outstanding achievement in the field of African conservation, in London tonight. Prince William’s presenting two awards. Since you care, Duchess Kate wore a gold sequined dress by Jenny Packham. Usually, I don’t like anything Duchess Kate wears on her body, because it’s usually every shade of boring and re-defines bland. But I actually like this dress and that’s mostly because it reminds me of this class moment in sequin history:
She better be sent to the tower forever if she didn’t say, “Tons of fucking sequins,” every time a reporter asked her what she was wearing.
That is the fanciest dildo/toilet plunger I have ever seen. The British royals really know how to fancy everything up.
All you mothers who bitched and moaned about having to go back to work 12 weeks after giving birth need to shut it. Duchess Kate birthed out a baby in a crown only 5 weeks ago and she’s already back at work. This morning, Duchess Kate got her hair curled, chose the next outfit she wants to sell out in 5 seconds and waved and smiled while standing up at the start of The Ring O’Fire Anglesey Coastal Ultra Marathon in Holyhead, Wales today. While Duchess Kate and Prince William were hard at work, her bird and mouse friends took care of Baby Prince George. (Disney told me that all princesses have bird and mouse friends)
And I never knew this until today, but I really, really want to live inside a town called Holyhead.
Duchess Kate and Prince William announced today that the name of Suri Cruise’s future husband (she’s a cradle robber) and Prince Hot Ginge’s party prince protégé is Prince George Alexander Louis of Cambridge. Prince GAL for short! See, they totally wanted a queen too. If that’s the case, they should’ve named him Prince George Michael or Prince Boy George.
That name is a bucket of boring, but isn’t that what all of us were expecting? I was hoping for Prince Harvey Price Jodie Marsh Cumberbatch. And I guess this means that Nigel Hawthorne’s great great great great grandson will play King George in a movie.
I wish he looked like that. This is what he really looks like:
I know, he looks like an adorable sleeping yam or like an overgrown and hairless baby panda bear with eyelids. In other words, he looks like every single newborn except his shits are worth more than two hundred gold bars and he can ask for your head just by cooing.
Wearing a dress that I’m sure is already sold out EVERYWHERE, Duchess Kate came out of the hospital with Prince William and the future King of England. As the Prince waved his hand, which is his way of letting his subjects know that they better bow down, Prince William told reporters that they haven’t come up with a name yet. Prince William also said that he’s a big boy, has a good pair of lungs, has more hair than him and thankfully, got Duchess Kate’s looks. Here’s a close-up:
And here’s a video if you need to see the baby prince in moving picture form:
And with that, we can finally welcome PHG’s future wingman and we can FINALLY say goodbye to those goddamn, motherfucking wooden doors.