I’m pulling out my pitchfork now, because Duchess Kate and Prince William had ONE JOB to do (Side note: Seriously, naming their baby princess was their only job this week, because I’m sure they’ll get a few weeks off before they have to go back to their main job of waving and smiling at their subjects during a ribbon-cutting ceremony.) and they screwed it up. They didn’t name the new baby princess Princess Jodie Katie. They didn’t even name her my second choice: Princess Harryetta Concepcion Fuckyoumorrissey. It’s May Fourth, so they could’ve gotten on the good side of the nerds by naming her Princess Leia Organa of Cambridge. But they didn’t go with any of those. They went the predictable royal name route. Duchess Kate and Prince William decided to name their baby princess after his dad, memaw and mom. Kensington Palace tweeted this today:
The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are delighted to announce that they have named their daughter Charlotte Elizabeth Diana.
All hail Princess Charlie! Charlotte is also Pippa Middleton’s middle name and Elizabeth is also Kate’s mother’s middle name. Kensington Palace said she’ll go by the super casual title of: Her Royal Highness Princess Charlotte of Cambridge. I’m going to tell myself that they really named her Charlotte after Charlotte Rae.
The name Charlotte Elizabeth Diana is every layer of posh. Charlotte Elizabeth sounds like the name of the floral bedding company that is Laura Ashley’s main rival. Charlotte, Elizabeth and Diana also sound like the names of the three rich sorority girls who headed a campaign to get Lilly Pulitzer to pull the line they did for Target, because they can’t stand and watch their beloved rich girl brand cheapen itself by collaborating with a store where the poors shop. The name of the baby princess should make you want to curtsy and bow your head like a commoner when you say it, so Charlotte Diana Elizabeth is perfect.
And it’s going to be a little awkward for Princess Charlotte when she takes the “Which Sex And The City Character Are You?” quiz on Buzzfeed and gets “You’re a Miranda.“
Surprise! She looks like a baby! She also looks a bit like an adorable sleeping baked potato, but that’s what I think all babies look like.
Approximately 3.3 seconds after she gave birth, Duchess Kate summoned her royal glam team (2 corgis with exceptional hair styling skills and one with the ability to apply eyeshadow), slipped out of her hospital gown and into a dress that has no doubt already sold out from here to Jupiter, and brought Baby Prince George’s new baby sister outside to meet everyone. As of right now, New Baby Princess still doesn’t have a name. Why are you making us wait, Duchess Kate? Just tell us her name already! Did you name her Maddysynn Quelseigh or what?
But more importantly, what does Baby Prince George think of all of this new baby business?
“Sorry, I haven’t had time to process it; I’ve been far too busy trying to figure out who approved this daddy-n-me matching outfit nonsense. Ugh, how humiliating – we look like the tea and crumpets version of The Heart Family.”
Here’s more of Duchess Kate and Prince William introducing New Baby Princess to the world earlier today, as well as Prince William bringing Baby Prince George to meet his new baby sister. Two questions: 1) How in the hell does Duchess Kate not look like a melting exhausted sweat monster so shortly after she gave birth? 2) No really, what the hell kind of royal sorcery is this?
While some of us were passed out after a night of hard partying (read: boozing while watching old Flavor of Love season 1 episodes on Amazon), Duchess Kate was in the Auntie Lindo Wing of St. Mary’s Hospital delicately pushing as one of her ladies-in-waiting held smelling salts to Prince William’s nose, because it was only the second time he’s seen her vagina and it’s still too much for him. Before I passed out, THE PALACE announced that Duchess Kate’s royal water broke and she had gone into labor and I figured it was going to be a while. But DK popped the fourth heir to the throne out in just two hours. She was over it and the new princess couldn’t wait to come out and ruin Morrissey’s entire weekend. It feels like it happened so fast. I mean, if I didn’t spend 5 hours staring at that damn hospital door on the livestream, did the royal baby’s birth even happen?
Duchess Kate and Prince William’s daughter is the first Princess of Cambridge to be born in 180 years. As the world cheered for the little princess who gets to wear all those fancy clothes, Baby Prince George sat in a corner thinking to himself, “Uh, okay, but is she first born?”
“Her royal highness the Duchess of Cambridge was safely delivered of a daughter at 8.34am. The baby weighs 8lbs 3oz. The Duke of Cambridge was present for the birth.
“The Queen, the Duke of Edinburgh, the Prince of Wales, the Duchess of Cornwall, Prince Harry and members of both families have been informed and are delighted with the news. Her royal highness and her child are both doing well.”
The unnamed princess is supposed to make her debut with her parents in front of the Lindo Wing sometime today. We need a real royal ESCANDALO! It’s been a while. So I hope that has a full head of sparkling ginger hair, a sly look on her face and when she opens up her mouth the first word out is, “Vodka.”
Hopefully, they’ll tell us today what the new baby princess’ name is, because that’s what everyone cares about right? Everyone is guessing either Diana (of course), Alice, Charlotte, Elizabeth and Victoria. I say no to all of those names. If Duchess Kate and Prince William don’t name her Princess Jodie Katie after two of England’s most refined, graceful and articulate ladies, they should be stripped of their titles and run out of the country!
The Telegraph says that the fourth in line to the throne and Baby Prince George’s standby was supposed to be pulled out of Duchess Kate’s royal vagine last Thursday, but none of spent the day staring at the front door of the Lindo Wing (named after Auntie Lindo from Joy Luck Club, of course) for hours on end, so obviously that didn’t happen. The Telegraph’s source says that the newest baby prince or princess is four days late and I’m not surprised. Babies are rude. They’re like my cousins. They’re always late and when they do get around to showing up, they cry for a drank. On second thought, it’s wrong of me to compare babies to my cousins. Yes, babies are rude, but at least they show up with a dish (aka the placenta). My cousins just show up with empty Tupperware containers to take leftovers home.
Some unnamed person whose baby was born in the Lindo Wing at St. Mary’s Hospital tells The Telegraph that Duchess Kate’s doctors have probably already talked to her about inducing, because doctors normally don’t wait longer than a week. But an aide for Kensington Palace (aka The weekday receptionist who answered the phone. So Fergie, basically.) told UsWeekly that everyone needs to shut their mouths about DK’s due date because they don’t know shit about shit:
“We have never commented on or discussed a due date.”
DK said before that her “due date” is somewhere between mid-April and late-April, so those patriotic jewels of England in the picture above may have to camp out for a few more days.
If DK really wants the new royal baby to come out now, there’s a few things she can try. Doctors say that an effective, yet severely cruel, inducing method involves blasting a Nickelback song into the mother’s mouth. The sound will travel down into the womb and that baby will immediately bust out the nearest exit to get away from that musical torture. She can also get somebody to wave a picture of Prince Hot Ginge with a puppy in front of her royal vagine. The royal baby will immediately crawl toward it, because no human can resist a picture of PHG with a puppy. And lastly, if someone whispers the words, “Morrissey is having the best day ever,” next to Duchess Kate’s stomach, that baby will come out real quick, because nothing ruins Morrissey’s month like knowing that there’s another British royal amongst us and those British royals live to ruin Morrissey’s month.
And here’s the new royal baby’s uncle looking hot at the London Marathon yesterday.
I have no idea why, but I just pictured Duchess Kate saying “Bye y’all, bye y’all” like Tami Taylor. Maybe it’s the hair? Regardless, this is the last time you’ll see Duchess Kate do the royal smile n’ wave for a while, because she’s now officially on maternity leave. Duchess Kate made her last official royal appearance earlier today at the Stephen Lawrence Centre in South London with Prince William, and now she’s free to kick up her feet up on a corgi while she wait for the contractions to start. I wonder if her coats threw her a going away party?
With Kate stuck in the house cruising Craigslist for a housekeeper, I wonder if Prince William will sub-in an alternate for future appearances? The obvious choice would be Prince Harry, but even better would be if Prince William swapped himself out for Baby Prince George.
Then they should switch out the royal limousine for a Harley with a sidecar. And instead of playing whatever boring-ass song they play when Duchess Kate and Prince William show up, they blast “Raise A Little Hell” by Trooper. That’s the royal visit I want to see! I can just picture a hungover Harry screaming into a megaphone: “Ladies and gentlemen of whatever charity we’re making an appearance at, please welcome the Bad Boyz of Buckingham Palace!” before turning to his nephew and saying “Oi, George – pass me a sick bag, mate.”
Here’s more of Duchess Kate on her last day of work for a while (I know, “work” should be in quotations):
Pics: Splash, Wenn.com
While some of us spend our St. Patrick’s Day worshipping the green by smoking it in a bong (I guess that means EVERY day is St. Patrick’s Day for me), the British royals had to do actual work! Take that, hating whores (see: Morrissey) who always throw cold runny shit at the British royals for doing nothing but exfoliate their pristine royal skin with a paste made from the shredded bills they take from taxpayers. Duchess Kate is 8 months knocked up and she still showed up on time to the St. Patrick’s Day Parade at Mons Barracks today where she waved, smiled, waved, shook hands, pet a dog and smiled some more. The smiling part is really impressive, because I didn’t think a woman who is in the final stages of being knocked up was able to smile. Every chick I see who is seconds away from expelling a squatter from her body is usually gritting her teeth while making a level 10 “I am so over this shit” face. But not Duchess Kate. She is a professional!
While wearing shamrock bouquets that look like something a Chia Pet shat up (or like Mother Nature’s pube bush), Duchess Kate and Prince William visited with Irish guards and gave shamrocks to officers and guardsmen of the regiment. I have one very, very important question:
WHERE IN THE HELL IS PRINCE HOT GINGE?!
How can there be an official St. Patrick’s Day event in the UK without an almost naked and nearly unemployed Prince Hot Ginge twerking to Cock O’ The North while wearing a shamrock thong? That should be tradition! Eh, he’s probably busy snorting green vodka with the Alabama Leprechaun.
“But did you put your index finger up to your lips as if to make a Shhhh hand gesture in order to confirm that we required a truly discreet housekeeper. Did you do that? Did you do the Shhhh finger thing?”
“Oi, I did the bloody finger thing! Now either slag off or fetch me a Curly Wurly and some custard to dip it into.”
If you happen to be good at both wiping shit up and keeping your mouth shut, now might be the time to stowaway on a flight to England. Prince William and Duchess Kate are apparently in the market for someone to scrub the royal scootch marks out of the royal shitters without blabbing about said scooch marks, because they recently took out a personal ad in a fancy magazine called The Lady looking for a “discreet” housekeeper for their fancy country house, Anmer Hall.
The ad doesn’t come right out and say “WANTED: SOMEONE TO PICK UP AFTER WILL AND KATE”, but that help is needed at “a large family home in Norfolk” but People says it’s totally them. Duties include “cleaning all areas of the house to a high standard; caring for and maintaining the home owners’ clothing; cleaning silverware and glassware; purchasing groceries and general provisions for the house; and dealing with deliveries.” Not mentioned: cleaning up after Royal Baby Prince George every time he purposely tips his bowl of Cheerios onto the floor and laughs with sadistic glee.
But what the hell do they need a housekeeper for? Can they not just train one of The Queen’s super-smart corgis to clean up after them like that housekeeping dog from Peter Pan? Lazy ass corgis.
You really ain’t right if you’re wondering why I’m posting another Miley Cyrus post. Baby Prince George doesn’t deserve that comparison.
Duchess Kate and Prince William released three portraits of the future 17-month-old King of England, Baby Prince George, being a baby on the steps of Kensington Palace. UsWeekly says that the pictures were taken in November and the royals are releasing them now, because they know you’ll want to print them out, frame them and put them on your mantel before Christmas times. The photographer really captured Baby Prince George being pure Baby Prince George, because in that picture above he’s making a smirk like he sees a brat playing with one of his toys and he just wants to strangle them. Pure BPG!
Prince Hot Ginge’s future drinking partner isn’t only serving FACE in these portraits, he’s serving FASHION too. Every menswear designer in Paris has to cut their weekend short and go back into the office tomorrow. They’ll have to scrap everything they’ve worked on because next season is all about black knee socks, nun shoes and knitted Queen’s Guard vests. Baby Prince George sets the fashion bar.
After the cut are two more pictures of BPG looking like a miniature old man.
Money must be tight at the castle (cut to two surly dudes named Nigel and Simon repossessing Baby Prince George and Unky Harry’s solid-gold hot tub), because on the left is Duchess Kate wearing a Jenny Packham dress at a fundraiser back in February, and on the right is a 5-months pregnant Duchess Kate wearing the same Jenny Packham dress to the St. Andrews University 600th anniversary dinner in NYC last night. And this isn’t even the first time she’s recycled that dress either; E! says she also wore it to a benefit 14 months ago. Wearing the same dress three times to three fancy events? Say it with me now: GAUCHE! Even Chanel-suit Marge Simpson is like “You need to get a new dress.”
But now that the snobby bitch in me is done talking, the lazy leggings-wearing sloth that I truly am can admit that I don’t totally hate that Duchess Kate decided to recycle that dress. First of all, it’s not hideous (that’s a type of compliment, right?). Second, when you wear the same dress a couple of times, there are no surprises; you know exactly just how much cheese you can eat before the fabric around the waist goes from tight to pray for zipper. Or whether or not you need to worry that your thighs will create a whole bunch of static cling that makes the fabric bunch up and look like your pussy is trying to eat your dress. Or if the fabric will show wine stains when you get a case of the sloppies. These are the important questions.
Here’s more of Duchess Kate and Prince William at the 600th anniversary of St. Andrews in NYC last night. Sidenote: you know you’re rich as shit when you’re invited to the 600th anniversary of something.
“Ermahgerd! A few months ago, Willy busted one in me while ‘Drunk In Love’ was playing and now I’m knocked up with a spare. Thank you, King B!” is probably what Duchess Kate is saying to Beyonce in that picture. And yes, I’m trying to figure out how to say “Ermahgerd” with a British accent.
Duchess Kate and Prince William’s trip to NYC took them to Brooklyn last night where they met the King and Queen of the Beyhive on the floor of the kingdom that Jay-Z owns one-fifth of one percent of. Below is a video from The Hollywood Reporter where a guy tells Duchess Kate and Prince William to get their royal asses up out of their seats to walk a few steps to greet Beyonce and Jay-Z.
How gracious of the royals to let their subjects skip the whole “bowing down” thing. I’m talking about Beyonce and Jay-Z of course. It was so nice of Beyonce to let Duchess Kate and Prince William break Beyhive royal protocol by not bowing down before her. Not even Michelle Williams gets to do that! Who knows what these rich bitches talked about. Duchess Kate probably told Jay-Z that she’s sorry to hear about his 99 problems and at one point I’m sure Beyonce gave DK the number to her personal wig master just in case Prince William wants to dress up that bald spot. Today, Bill and Cathy Cambridge are visiting the 9/11 Memorial and then I’m sure they’ll do tourist stuff like go see Mamma Mia! after having dinner at Manhattan’s finest restaurant Guy Fieri’s American Kitchen + Bar.
Also, a small ESCANDALO happened last night after the game. LeBron James ignored the invisible “Do Not Put Your Peasant Hands On The Royal” sign hanging on Duchess Kate when he put his arm around her. The Daily Mail dramatically says that LeBron BREACHED PROTOCOL, so I’m sure THE QUEEN will declare war on our yanky asses for this.
If you’re going to blatantly breach protocol by touching a sacred royal from a different country on American soil (copyright: Laura Jeanne Poon), then you must throw a sneaky rebel side-eye while doing so.
Pics: Splash, Getty