You really ain’t right if you’re wondering why I’m posting another Miley Cyrus post. Baby Prince George doesn’t deserve that comparison.
Duchess Kate and Prince William released three portraits of the future 17-month-old King of England, Baby Prince George, being a baby on the steps of Kensington Palace. UsWeekly says that the pictures were taken in November and the royals are releasing them now, because they know you’ll want to print them out, frame them and put them on your mantel before Christmas times. The photographer really captured Baby Prince George being pure Baby Prince George, because in that picture above he’s making a smirk like he sees a brat playing with one of his toys and he just wants to strangle them. Pure BPG!
Prince Hot Ginge’s future drinking partner isn’t only serving FACE in these portraits, he’s serving FASHION too. Every menswear designer in Paris has to cut their weekend short and go back into the office tomorrow. They’ll have to scrap everything they’ve worked on because next season is all about black knee socks, nun shoes and knitted Queen’s Guard vests. Baby Prince George sets the fashion bar.
After the cut are two more pictures of BPG looking like a miniature old man.
Money must be tight at the castle (cut to two surly dudes named Nigel and Simon repossessing Baby Prince George and Unky Harry’s solid-gold hot tub), because on the left is Duchess Kate wearing a Jenny Packham dress at a fundraiser back in February, and on the right is a 5-months pregnant Duchess Kate wearing the same Jenny Packham dress to the St. Andrews University 600th anniversary dinner in NYC last night. And this isn’t even the first time she’s recycled that dress either; E! says she also wore it to a benefit 14 months ago. Wearing the same dress three times to three fancy events? Say it with me now: GAUCHE! Even Chanel-suit Marge Simpson is like “You need to get a new dress.”
But now that the snobby bitch in me is done talking, the lazy leggings-wearing sloth that I truly am can admit that I don’t totally hate that Duchess Kate decided to recycle that dress. First of all, it’s not hideous (that’s a type of compliment, right?). Second, when you wear the same dress a couple of times, there are no surprises; you know exactly just how much cheese you can eat before the fabric around the waist goes from tight to pray for zipper. Or whether or not you need to worry that your thighs will create a whole bunch of static cling that makes the fabric bunch up and look like your pussy is trying to eat your dress. Or if the fabric will show wine stains when you get a case of the sloppies. These are the important questions.
Here’s more of Duchess Kate and Prince William at the 600th anniversary of St. Andrews in NYC last night. Sidenote: you know you’re rich as shit when you’re invited to the 600th anniversary of something.
“Ermahgerd! A few months ago, Willy busted one in me while ‘Drunk In Love’ was playing and now I’m knocked up with a spare. Thank you, King B!” is probably what Duchess Kate is saying to Beyonce in that picture. And yes, I’m trying to figure out how to say “Ermahgerd” with a British accent.
Duchess Kate and Prince William’s trip to NYC took them to Brooklyn last night where they met the King and Queen of the Beyhive on the floor of the kingdom that Jay-Z owns one-fifth of one percent of. Below is a video from The Hollywood Reporter where a guy tells Duchess Kate and Prince William to get their royal asses up out of their seats to walk a few steps to greet Beyonce and Jay-Z.
How gracious of the royals to let their subjects skip the whole “bowing down” thing. I’m talking about Beyonce and Jay-Z of course. It was so nice of Beyonce to let Duchess Kate and Prince William break Beyhive royal protocol by not bowing down before her. Not even Michelle Williams gets to do that! Who knows what these rich bitches talked about. Duchess Kate probably told Jay-Z that she’s sorry to hear about his 99 problems and at one point I’m sure Beyonce gave DK the number to her personal wig master just in case Prince William wants to dress up that bald spot. Today, Bill and Cathy Cambridge are visiting the 9/11 Memorial and then I’m sure they’ll do tourist stuff like go see Mamma Mia! after having dinner at Manhattan’s finest restaurant Guy Fieri’s American Kitchen + Bar.
Also, a small ESCANDALO happened last night after the game. LeBron James ignored the invisible “Do Not Put Your Peasant Hands On The Royal” sign hanging on Duchess Kate when he put his arm around her. The Daily Mail dramatically says that LeBron BREACHED PROTOCOL, so I’m sure THE QUEEN will declare war on our yanky asses for this.
If you’re going to blatantly breach protocol by touching a sacred royal from a different country on American soil (copyright: Laura Jeanne Poon), then you must throw a sneaky rebel side-eye while doing so.
Pics: Splash, Getty
And once again, I zoomed in on his stuffed crust crotch area. What is wrong with me? Don’t answer that. So it’s Day 2 of Prince William and Duchess Kate’s Excellent American Adventure, and Prince William got to go to the White House and meet with President Barack Obama. According to Us Weekly, they both wore blue suits and hung out in the Oval Office to talk about wildlife trafficking. Because I’m a next-level dum dum, I had to ask Michael K what wildlife trafficking was, and apparently it’s when shady types smuggle animals and ivory for no good. Sort of like if Khloe Kardashian snuck herself on a plane headed for Tatooine, I guess.
They also talked about Baby Prince George, who I assume is back at home chilling out in the hot tub with a couple cold apple juice-kees and Unky Harry, since there have been 0 reports of stolen toys or angry baby eye-shankings. Prince William reportedly told Obama that Baby Prince George’s birth was “chaos” and that he’s expecting 2015 to be an “interesting, busy year” with Baby No. 2 on the way. “OH, you have NO idea” said Baby Prince George, as he attempted to flush a corgi down one of the royal toilets.
Meanwhile, back in New York, Duchess Kate spent the morning with First Lady Chirlane McCray in Harlem at the Northside Center for Child Development. Duchess Kate Coat Watch, Day 2: Kate wore a black knee-length wool coat. And tonight, Will and Kate will get to meet real royalty when they sit court-side at a Brooklyn Nets game with Her Majesty of Heaven and Earth Beyonce and her husband Jay Camel. Hmmm, I wonder who will bow first?
If You’re A Slob Ass Reporter In Jeans, Don’t Even Think Of Talking To Duchess Kate And Prince William
Duchess Kate and Prince William are coming to the East Coast of the US in a couple of weeks, because they want to spit in the faces of the traitors who busted out of their country a million years ago and they probably also want to fill their guts with Shake Shack. Politico (via The NY Post) says that to prepare for their visit to the US, the British Monarchy has shat up a dress code for any American reporter who wants to talk to their royal highnesses. If you even think about asking Duchess Kate a question while looking like wrinkled, busted up trash, the royal guards will tackle you and drag you away. A dude who happens to be a royal because he was born into it and a chick who clung onto his ass until he married her deserves your utmost respect! Here’s the official dress code from the royal family:
Journalists wishing to cover Royal engagements, whether in the United Kingdom or abroad, should comply with the dress code on formal occasions out of respect for the guests of The Queen, or any other member of the Royal Family.
Smart attire for men includes the wearing of a jacket and tie, and for women a trouser or skirt suit. Those wearing jeans or trainers will not be admitted and casually dressed members of the media will be turned away. This also applies to technicians.
Didn’t this country’s forefathers bust out of Britain because they were sick of being told what to do and now they’re still bossing us around! Duchess Kate isn’t our duchess and Prince William isn’t our prince so why in the hell do we have to wash our pits, put on a clip-on tie and change out of sweats to hang around them? I bet Duchess Kate and Prince William are the type to demand that I change out of my usual home outfit of torn underwear, a shorty robe and mismatched socks when they invite themselves over. The AUDACITY!
I’m sure that when Prince Hot Ginge is involved that dress code is tweaked to read: “and chonies or optional.” Because it’s impossible to keep your chonies on when in the presence of PHG.
After spending the last several weeks hunched over one of the gem-encrusted golden toilets at Kensington Palace barfing her knocked-up guts out, Duchess Kate is finally well enough to slip on a pair of pantyhose and pull out the eyeliner and return to work. Praise be to the pregnancy gods! It’s been too long since Duchess Kate smiled and waved and wore a silly little hat and wore an outfit that sold out in 0.03 seconds! Curse you, hyperemesis gravidarum, you Harry Potter-sounding hurl-making killjoy!
The Daily Mail says that Kate’s first job back from sick leave was to pack up the royal fetus in a fancy Alexander McQueen coat and join Prince William at Buckingham Palace to install new drywall in the den and re-paint the powder room. No! It was to welcome the President of Singapore and his wife. They shook hands! They drank tea! Duchess Kate tried very hard to keep from using her tiny hat as a makeshift barf bag! Meanwhile, Prince Harry was also chilling out in Buckingham Palace with a case of the sicks too, but it was because one of the guards dared him to chug 6 Jägerbombs and play spinny bat with St. Edward’s Sceptre the night before.
After they met with the President of Singapore, Kate and Will then whistled for the valet to bring around their horse-drawn whip and they went home. Phew! What a day! Sounds exhausting. But really, all sarcasm aside, I’m sure it was exhausting. Have you ever tried to work with a case of the barfs? It’s fucking DIFFICULT! And I’ve heard that morning sickness is like a hangover dry humped food poisoning, so I bet Kate was working overtime to make sure she didn’t blow crumpet chunks on the President or his wife.
Here’s more of Kate and William working 9 to 5 (9:00am to 9:05am). Fun Fact! Kate is about 13 weeks pregnant, which means that judging by the size of her tummy bump, that puts my bloated cheeseburger locker at around 24 weeks. Congratulations to me!
Kensington Palace Says That Duchess Kate Will Birth Out Her Second Fancy Royal Baby Sometime In April
I’m not sure what Prince Harry, Duchess Kate, and Prince William are looking at in this picture, but whatever it is, it’s giving them the same glazed-over look in their eyes I get when I look at a picture of the Royal Family that doesn’t include Baby Prince George or The Queen’s loyal army of corgis, aka the REAL STAHS of that family. Maybe I’ll Photoshop a corgi perching on Prince William’s shoulder (like a pirate with a parrot) later.
Speaking of Baby Prince George, he only has about 5 months left of struttin’ around the house like he owns the place (even though he technically owns the place). The Telegraph says that Kensington Palace has confirmed that Duchess Kate’s second FRF (fancy royal fetus) is due sometime in April. They also said she still has a case of the sicks, but she’s hurling a lot less than she was in the beginning of her pregnancy. Less hurling? Party on, Kate!
The arrival of Duchess Kate’s FRF in April means there’s a 1 in 30 chance it could be born on either The Queen’s 89th birthday (April 21st) or Kate and William’s 4th wedding anniversary (April 29th). Sorry, did I say 1 in 30? I meant a snowball’s chance in hell, cause ain’t no fancy royal baby stealing The Queen’s thunder on her own birthday! I bet The Queen has instructed her thuggiest corgi to make sure Kate doesn’t go into labor anywhere near April 21st by crawling up the royal cooch and telling that baby to stay put or else. But if by some unholy miracle the baby is born on The Queen’s birthday, she can always use her Queenly powers to change the hour of the baby’s birth into a new day, like April 21.5 or April-ish. Problem solved!
In case you couldn’t tell by the sound of Morrissey squealing with joy, Duchess Kate’s got another royal growing in her uterus. We all better start building up our endurance and training to not blink for hours on end, because soon we’ll all be spending every moment of our day staring at that damn fucking door while watching St. Mary’s Hospital live feed.
Clarence House announced this morning that Prince William busted a raw royal nut all over Duchess Kate’s royal ovaries and one stuck. Duchess Kate is knocked up with the fourth in line to the throne and more importantly, she’s knocked up with another kid who gets to learn from the master, Prince Hot Ginge, how to butt chug vodka in the Buckingham Palace powder room so THE QUEEN won’t be able to smell booze on their breath. Just like the last time, Duchess Kate has got the morning barfs in a major way so she had to call in sick to her job today and she’s not even at the 12-week mark yet.
Their Royal Highnesses The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are very pleased to announce that The Duchess of Cambridge is expecting their second child.
The Queen and members of both families are delighted with the news.
As with her first pregnancy, The Duchess is suffering from Hyperemesis Gravidarum. Her Royal Highness will no longer accompany The Duke of Cambridge on their planned engagement in Oxford today. The Duchess of Cambridge is being treated by doctors at Kensington Palace.
Congratulations to Duchess Kate, because now she’s really done her job to the fullest by giving the royal family an heir AND a spare. Congratulations to Prince Hot Ginge, because now he’s even further away from the throne. And congratulations to Baby Prince George, because soon he’ll have a little brother or sister to slap around and steal toys from.
And condolences to all you Brits, because now you’ll have to get a second or third job to pay for that baby.
Exactly one year ago today, a bunch of us dumb shits spent way too much time staring at a stupid, ugly door and waiting for it to open while a lucky lottery winner was born into a world where he’ll never know what the phrase “the rent is due” means, he’ll never see an overdue bill and he’ll do his first vodka shot out of an Eastern European cocktail waitress’ belly button as Uncle Hot Ginge cheers him on. Usually when it’s someone’s birthday, you get them gifts, but since the royal family are so giving and have charitable hearts, they gave the peasants new pictures of the future King of England. A couple of days ago, they gifted the eyes of their people with a picture of Baby Prince George that was taken before he bum rushed a photographer Kanye-style. Yesterday, they released two more pictures of Prince William, his receding hairline twin Baby Prince George and Duchess Kate at the butterfly exhibit of London’s Natural History Museum. That picture looks like a generic picture you’d find in a gold frame at the Hallmark store. They look too perfect. Even the Heart Family is saying, “Ugh, their perfection creeps us out!”
That baby drool on Duchess Kate’s dress is a nice touch, but it doesn’t fool me. It’s supposed to make them look like every other normal, average family, but you know it took 6 assistants, 2 bottles of organic oil, 2 electric fans and 3 paint brushes to make that perfectly sized baby drool stain on her dress. Even though that baby drool stain is some royal STUNT QUEEN shit, the baby drool broach will still become the #1, must-have fashion accessory of the year. Everyone’s going to work a baby drool stain. You should drool out as much drool as you can now, because it’s only a matter of time before drool sells out and becomes extinct.
And I’m no butterfly body language expert, but I’m pretty sure that poor butterfly is trying to say “ayúdame!” with its wings, because it knows that if it accidentally throws the wrong look at Baby Prince George, part of its wings will end up in his baby fits and its head will end up at the bottom of his stomach.
Happy birfday, Baby Prince George! I’m sure your #1 fan Morrissey is celebrating your special day by throwing a party for his cats in your honor.
When Baby Prince George was just crawling around and didn’t know how to use his legs to walk yet, he was stealing toys, slapping other children and leaving a pile of smoking destruction wherever he went. There’s a room in the dungeon under Buckingham Palace where all the skeletons of his victims and the toys he stole are stored and every time someone asks THE QUEEN about it, she shrugs and says, “Oh, future kings will be future kings.” So now that Baby Prince George can walk, we’re all doomed and there’s no limit to the destruction he can cause. Everybody ruuuuuuuun! Okay, first you can awww at his pudgy cheeks and little baby outfit and then ruuuuuuuuuuun for your lives!
Baby Prince George’s birthday is on Tuesday, so to celebrate the one year anniversary of the day that Baby Prince George was pulled out of Duchess Kate’s royal vagine, she and Prince William released this picture of him walking around a butterfly exhibit at the Natural History Museum in London a little over two weeks ago. Yes, Duchess Kate and Prince William are just like your neighbors who give you a picture of their baby on their baby’s first birthday. You stick that picture on the side of your refrigerator with a magnet your mom got you during her trip to Las Vegas. You’ll eventually replace that picture when you need space to put a menu from that Thai restaurant you order from all the time.
John Stillwell of the Press Association took the picture and he tells People that after this picture was taken, Baby Prince George viciously attacked him, basically:
“He’s quick on his feet. He was walking towards me – I was kneeling down to take the picture and he was on top of me as soon as he started walking. He was very quick. He looked really steady on his feet.”
But was he quick? I don’t think John told us that.
AFP says that everyone is going to run out and get the outfit that Prince George is wearing, because he’s a fashion icon. To which I say, AHAHAHAHA. Baby Prince George is barely a year old! I doubt anybody is copying his look. A style icon? That’s crazy. That’s insane. (Cut to me later tonight furiously searching Amazon for black leather nun shoes in men’s size 9 and blue striped OshKosh overalls in toddler size XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL).
And here’s some pictures of Baby Prince George’s daddy and hot ginger uncle throwing side-eyes (see: Prince William), giving everyone the swoons (see: PHG) and working hard for that benefits money at the Queen’s Young Leaders Programme Launch in London on July 10th.