On this Christmas Day (otherwise known as Annual Gross Lovey Dovey Couples Hijacking Jesus’ Born Day By Announcing They Got Engaged Day), Prince Hot Ginge, Duchess Meghan, Prince William, and Duchess Kate did their second annual foursome strut to St. Mary Magdalene Church in Sandringham, only this time they were all probably thinking to themselves, “Smile something extra to kill those goddamn tabloids rumors.” Why do I have a feeling that before their little PR sashay to church, THE QUEEN texted all of them and recited Rose McGowan’s speech from Jawbreaker when she said, “You all are going to walk into that church and strut your shit down the hallway like everything is peachy fucking keen, get it?”
Rather than see another headline about how she would like nothing more than to slap Duchess Kate with one of her silly fascinators, Duchess Meghan is deploying the greatest diversion tactic in her toolkit: the baby bump! Meghan was performing her last royal duty of 2018 today by visiting a nursing home for elderly who were once entertainers. Swapping jazz hands and dirt on silver screen legends with old fogies who don’t have any fucks left to give? Sign. Me. Up. Meghan, of course, had to make it all about her, so she spent most of the day rubbing her pregnant belly. Psh, pipe down, Meg! I’m trying to hear about how big of a dick Laurence Olivier could be.
Fresh off from collecting some coins for talking about Daughter Meghan to The Daily Mail, Thomas Markle is collecting some coins (I’m guessing… even though Piers Morgan claims he didn’t) for talking about Duchess Meghan to Good Morning Britain. Thomas dribbled out more of the same, like how Meghan isn’t returning his texts or calls (in her defense, it’s kind of hard to return a text from a number you’ve blocked) and has abandoned him as if he’s a geriatric dog who is “too old” to fly. Thomas pretty much said the same thing over and over again, and has become a media robot who spews “my daughter is ignoring me” followed by “now where’s my check?” on a loop. If his daughter did call him, he might malfunction, because what would he say to the tabloids over and over again now?
You can leave cable TV, but cable TV melodrama never leaves you! It really isn’t a day around the Dlisted chalet if there isn’t word and snickering of some kind of Duchess Meghan drama. Lately, it’s been about how she’s a royal pain in the ass that makes assistants flee Buckingham Palace and Duchess Kate boo hoo. If you can believe a new report, Meghan is apparently royally peeved she can’t go online and ‘splain herself to the people.
It’s a real pity Joan Rivers isn’t around to look at the ongoing maybe-tiff between Duchess Catherine and Duchess Meghan and have a big enough yawn that it tousles the weave on Giuliana Rancic. Kate and Meg may not be BFF4L to the point where Meghan and Prince Harry are moving from Kensington Palace to a big-ass, taxpayer-funded “cottage” (aka mansion) in Windsor. There’s now a report out that says Kate isn’t liking how all fashion eyes are on Meghan, so she’s upping her style.
I regularly dream of Prince Hot Ginge being in a fairy tale. Specifically, being in this fairy’s tail. So this is not the fairy tale starring PHG I had in mind. This is a sad one, and made the impossible happen. It made actual wet tears trickle out of my once barren crying ducts. Picture it: sad Prince Hot Ginge sitting on a $40,000 Chippendale chair as a lucky minion uses a $600 Irish linen handkerchief to carefully dab the hot ginger tears on his cheeks while he sorrowfully looks out of the window and sings a sad, acoustic version of When Will My Life Begin from Tangled. Because according to some royal expert, PHG feels like he’s living in a prison. Yes, an opulent gilded prison with maids and cooks and a golden 17th century bidet that used to power-wash King George II’s nethers. But still, a prison! Weep for him!