Today is day 12 of Prince Hot Ginge’s tour through the Caribbean and yet, there’s still not one picture of him wearing nothing but a sly smile a Speedo the size of a snap bracelet. If PHG’s government-paid Caribbean vacation, I mean “work trip,” doesn’t end with a giant photo-op of him wearing a gold flash thong while doing the stereotypical tourist tradition of getting his hair braided on the beach, we the outraged people (aka just me) will storm the gates of Buckingham Palace (aka send an ALL-CAPS rant letter to firstname.lastname@example.org).
Yesterday, PHG visited Barbados and met the island’s empress Rihanna. RiRi first met at a reception yesterday afternoon and in the nighttimes, they sat next to each other at the Golden Anniversary Spectacular Mega Concert, which celebrated the 50th anniversary of Barbados’ independence from the UK. PHG seemed to be filling to the top with excitement over sitting next to RiRi (who wore an Ikea duvet cover for the occasion). That derpy joy face that PHG is making over being so close to RiRi is the same face I make whenever I see brand new pictures of him. And if he’s really like me, then he’s got his hands on his lap, because he’s trying to cover the sticky puddle of glee that his overexcited peen shot out.
Prince Hot Ginge’s tour through the Caribbean continued over the weekend and he was visiting the island of St. Vincent when the world learned that the Grim Reaper collected Fidel Castro. Bad luck truly humped Prince Hot Ginge hard (yes, I’m jealous of bad luck), because several dignitaries of Saint Vincent and the Grenadines considered Castro a “good friend” of their country. PHG was at a reception in Kingstown on Saturday when the country’s Governor-General Sir Frederick Ballantyne asked everyone to bow their heads in a moment of silence for Castro. PHG was forced to stand there and throw the same side-eye you may have thrown when one of your relatives said, “May God bless this country and bless President Trump,” during your Thanksgiving dinner prayer.
Oh Photoshop, my dear old friend, you and I will probably have some inappropriate fun with that pic today.
Meghan Markle was visiting her royal man Prince Hot Ginge at Kensington Palace in London last week, and so some thought that maybe, just maybe, they’d cause us hard-up Harry Whores to break the ear drums of dogs with our high-pitched wails of pain by going public. The media thought that PHG and Future Princess Meghan was going to make their official debut at a rugby game at Twickenham Stadium in London on Saturday. But sitting next to PHG during the match between England and South Africa was Princess Charlene of Monaco, who looked like a discount Caroline Herrera impersonator (and that’s a compliment).
Because of everything that has happened during this depressing week (“I don’t know WHAT you’re talking about.” – everyone), I really thought that things would be extra bleak on the real news front. But I was proven wrong this morning when The Daily Mail posted an EXCLUSIVO investigative exposé about Prince Hot Ginge’s American girlfriend Meghan Markle. Meghan is currently visiting her man in London and the paparazzi caught her going back to his place at Kensington Palace. The DM’s investigative reporters put their investigative reporter skills (read: their eyes) to work when they noted that Meghan wore a brown baseball cap and Hunter wellies while walking back to Kensington Palace after shopping among the organic produce at Whole Foods. Unfortunately, the tabloids kind of dropped the ball on this one, because I could not find one interview with that green cow. That nosy trick must’ve peeked into Meghan’s bag as she walked on by.
— Daily Mail U.K. (@DailyMailUK) November 11, 2016
I should turn down the sarcasm all the way, because it is pretty shocking that Meghan Markle went out and bought groceries. If any of us were PHG’s piece, we wouldn’t need to buy groceries. Why bother when you can eat spotted dick all weekend long? Yes, I said spotted dick. He’s a ginger, I’m sure it has freckles on it. And since I’m really great at transitions, I’m going to move from blowjob and freckled royal peen jokes to pictures of PHG remembering the fallen on Armistice Day at the National Memorial Arboretum.
Two days after Prince Hot Ginge confirmed that he’s full-time doing Meghan Markle and asked the tabloids to stop being a mess, he sashayed before his subjects in his uniform at Westminster Abbey’s Field of Remembrance. The Telegraph says that PHG wore his hot Household Division frock coat while laying small wooden crosses in memory of those who died while fighting for Britain. PHG was there with his grandaddy Prince Philip. And I’m sure Prince Philip kept shushing the disrespectful tricks who wouldn’t stop cooing while watching PHG walk in those cha cha heels. If I was there and Prince Philip snapped at me to stop howling, I’d have to tell him it’s not my mouth howling, it’s my b-hole and I can’t control that.
UsWeekly says that PHG’s American girlfriend Meghan Markle is in London right now. She’s on a short hiatus from her show Suits. The source says she’s staying at PHG’s place at Kensington Palace. The source also dribbled out this eye roll-inducing stream of pure sap:
“Meghan was able to find time to visit Harry. It won’t be a long visit as they both have packed schedules, but they’re always so happy to be together. They have so much in common. You can’t not fall in love with them as a couple after spending time around them together.”
Once I finished dry heaving over the cheesiness of that last line, I realized something. If Meghan is there right now, then she was probably at his place when he came home… in uniform. So she probably got to do him while he kept his hat and cha cha heels on, and as Up Where We Belong played in the background. She’s living a fanfic dream, only it’s real. Damn her!
Prince Hot Ginge Defends His Girlfriend Meghan Markle’s Honor Against The Tabloids And Racist Trolls
As Duchess Kate sat in her royal hair brushing salon (yes, she has one of those) at Kensington Palace this morning, she started to do the usual 100 brushes she does every day and when she got to 8, the rage inside of her boiled over and she slammed down her silver princess brush before screaming so loud that Prince George awoke from his deep slumber, sat up and thought, “Err, isn’t screaming my thing?” Duchess Kate knows she married the wrong British prince, because Prince William’s weak ass never defended her like this. She’s so going to switch Prince William’s hair growing vitamins with laxatives.
A quick second after everyone heard the rumor that Prince Hot Ginge betrayed my loyal heart (it’s okay, I still have my DIY Prince Hot Ginge Pillow Person) by getting serious with Rachel from Suits (government name: Rachel Meghan Markle), the tabloids got to work. The paparazzi stalked Meghan’s mom, The Sun allegedly got an interview with her half-sister (who called her a superficial fame whore), they got all Ancestry.com by writing about her ancestors and The Daily Mail shit out this wreck of a headline: Harry’s girl is (almost) straight outta Compton: Gang-scarred home of her mother revealed.
Since the rumor came out over a week ago, Meghan and the royals haven’t said anything, but Prince Hot Ginge had enough and this morning, he lifted his royal shield of honor to try to block the shit balls that the media and trolls are throwing at his lady love. The dusty DOS machine that operates my emotions is shaking and spitting out smoke, because it doesn’t know whether to swoon myself inside/out over PHG romantically defending his girlfriend or spit out rays of jealousy at Meghan over PHG romantically defending her.