But before we get into that, I’d like to give a special thanks to my 7th grade typing teacher, because she taught me how to type without looking at my keyboard and if I didn’t learn that, I wouldn’t have been able to type these words while keeping my eyes on Prince Hot Ginge’s bulge.
The Sunday Express has never lied to us (and by that I mean that the one time I posted a story from The Sunday Express, it turned out to be filled with LIES), so I don’t know what to believe anymore. They said months ago that Prince Hot Ginge’s full-time piece Meghan Markle had met up with Prince William and Duchess Kate and they both liked her. But now UsWeekly and The Sun are saying that Future Princess Meghan barely met Duchess Kate for the very first time last Tuesday. WHO TO BELIEVE? I won’t believe that Duchess Kate and Meghan Markle met for real until I see paparazzi pictures of Kate seeing if Meghan is ready for the job of a professional British royal by analyzing her hand-waving skills.
Everyone better put their pocketbooks in a prayer circle because a treasonous cold is still messing with THE QUEEN (exact medical term for THE QUEEN’s cold: acute viral morrisseyngitis) and she had to sit out of Christmas Day church service for the first time in decades.
So because his 90-year-old great-grandmum wasn’t there to make fun of Duchess Camilla’s tragic hat and ensemble with him, Prince George was probably extra bored. Proof of Prince George’s boredom: that picture above of him having to entertain himself with the candy of the peasants as everyone around him nervously tries to figure out ways to amuse him before he sends them all to the gallows!
The British royal family all got into their best Christmastime Downton Abbey cosplay today to do their annual pap walk into and out of St. Mark’s Church in Englefield, Berkshire. The Middletons, including Pippa and her banker betrothed, were also there. Prince Hot Ginge disappointed me today, because he did not bring his girlfriend Meghan Markle, who I was hoping would show Duchess Kate up by wearing an amazingly elegant body bow, and he also didn’t put that ginger beard to good use by dressing up as Kris Kringle.
But well, at least we have Prince George throwing “your future king is not amused’ eyes while working a sharp-as-shit A-line coat, knee socks and little loafers.
Happy Whatever Your Ass Celebrates, everyone! May you spend your holiday sucking on a candy cane while judging everyone around you!
Ever since it was rumored that a Rachel from Suits was getting her loins flambéed by Prince Hot Ginge’s royal crotch torch, there’s been story after story after story of them being together. (“We know, bitch, your obsessive ass has covered them all.” – the average Dlisted reader) PHG confirmed that his freckled scepter belongs to Meghan Markle right now when Kensington Palace released a statement where he shanked at the tabloids and the media for being racist stalkers. But besides that, there haven’t been pictures of them together. Sure, there were pictures of Meghan Markle walking into Kensington Palace with groceries, but anybody can take pictures of themselves walking into Kensington Palace with groceries. The next time you see me drunk at the Chili’s bar in Southern California somewhere, ask to see the pictures on my phone I made my sister take of me going into Kensington Palace with groceries when we went to London. I’ll probably stop when I get to the pictures of me getting tackled by the bobbies and the royal guards in furry dick hats. But anyway, a picture of PHG and Meghan finally exists!
Believe it or not, but when Prince Hot Ginge wants a Christmas tree, he doesn’t command his henchmen to gallop deep into the forest, find the most majestic fir tree and evict all of the woodland creatures from it (by order of the ginger prince!) before cutting it down and bringing it back to the palace. PHG shops for a Christmas tree like a regular, because he’s real like that.
Today is day 12 of Prince Hot Ginge’s tour through the Caribbean and yet, there’s still not one picture of him wearing nothing but a sly smile a Speedo the size of a snap bracelet. If PHG’s government-paid Caribbean vacation, I mean “work trip,” doesn’t end with a giant photo-op of him wearing a gold flash thong while doing the stereotypical tourist tradition of getting his hair braided on the beach, we the outraged people (aka just me) will storm the gates of Buckingham Palace (aka send an ALL-CAPS rant letter to email@example.com).
Yesterday, PHG visited Barbados and met the island’s empress Rihanna. RiRi first met at a reception yesterday afternoon and in the nighttimes, they sat next to each other at the Golden Anniversary Spectacular Mega Concert, which celebrated the 50th anniversary of Barbados’ independence from the UK. PHG seemed to be filling to the top with excitement over sitting next to RiRi (who wore an Ikea duvet cover for the occasion). That derpy joy face that PHG is making over being so close to RiRi is the same face I make whenever I see brand new pictures of him. And if he’s really like me, then he’s got his hands on his lap, because he’s trying to cover the sticky puddle of glee that his overexcited peen shot out.