Highly Important Royal Wedding Update: Prince Hot Ginge And Meghan Markle Have Chosen Their Cake Flavor!
Every wedding invitation should provide guests with all the important details, like the date, the time, the address, and more importantly, what kind of cake are they going to serve at the reception. Nowadays all these Pinterest brides and grooms think it’s cute to ditch cake and serve lavender bread pudding in a mason jar. It’s not cute. It’s wrong. If you ain’t going to have cake, you ain’t going to see me. I am not going to suffocate in the too-small ASOS suit I wear to every wedding in order to not eat cake (I’m talking to your hateful ass, Natalie Portman.) So I appreciate that Kensington Palace delivered an important royal wedding update on the only thing that matters: THE CAKE!
THE QUEEN loves to guzzle down the sweet nectar, so I figured that she spent many a night bonding with her ginger grandson by doing shots of the good stuff in between crank calling Camilla and gently putting Prince Philip’s hand in warm water after he passes out on a pile of Corgis in the corner of the throne room. So I always figured that Prince Hot Ginge was the ginger apple of THE QUEEN’s eye, and it was 100% confirmed this morning when her official announcement of consent was released.
Prince Hot Ginge and Meghan Markle had a very simple job to do during Commonwealth Day church services at Westminster Abbey yesterday. All they had to do was wear their little navy outfits, smile their little royal smiles and not embarrass THE QUEEN. But they failed to do that by disrespecting a citizen of England when they laughed at Liam Payne who crooned out John Mayer’s Waiting on the World to Change during service. But then again, THE QUEEN is probably a Harry Styles stan (I’m sure she’s got a shirtless poster of him hanging in her dressing chambers) and probably thinks John Mayer is piece of trash, so she may have been rolling her eyes along with her grandson.
If you’re thinking to yourself, “Um, you dumb fuck, that’s a beret,” then I want to welcome you, first-time reader, to Dlisted, where I tell “jokes” that would even make an 8-year-old Adam Sandler fan say, “Grow up, bitch!”
Meghan Markle continued her new job of wearing hats to events today by joining Prince Hot Ginge, Prince William, Duchess Kate, THE QUEEN, Prince Charles, possible future Queen Camilla, and Liam Payne (???) at Commonwealth Day church service at Westminster Abbey. It was supposedly Meghan’s highest-profile event because THE QUEEN was there. So THE QUEEN saw Meghan in action, and I’m sure that after church, she passed Meghan a report card that read: “F minus for wearing a giant white tit on your head. The only giant white tit I want to see at these things is my son Charles.”
People says that Meghan paired her Stephen Jones beret, which is her way of paying homage to her man’s mother Princess Diana, with a $1,200 Amanda Wakeley coat and some navy dress. But really, who cares about some boring clothes when Prince Hot Ginge was there and he did this (I cropped out the children because they were ruining the picture):
And Meghan and PHG weren’t the only members of the royal family who wore navy. They all did (Meghan and Duchess Kate even wore the same navy heels. There must’ve been a 2-for-1 special). Well, all of them except for THE QUEEN. I’d like to think that THE QUEEN told everyone that on Commonwealth Day they wear navy, and then she showed up in burgundy. That’s how a QUEEN reminds the lessers that she’s QUEEN.
We’re a little more than two months away from the day that ER nurses and doctors pump my stomach of raw cookie dough, disco fries, cake batter and uncooked frozen corn dogs (it’s hard to cook anything while your heart is breaking, okay???) after I eat all my feelings while watching Prince Hot Ginge marry Meghan Markle. Because Kensington Palace wants to slowly and viciously torture us by releasing new details of the wedding every day, they said in a statement today that joining the Spice Girls and PHG’s exes at the wedding will be over 2,500 dirty commoners. Prince George’s stylist probably got a frantic note from him, telling them that they need to immediately track down a satin and gold embroidered mask to match his wedding day ensemble. Because he’s going to need to protect himself from the disgusting, simpleton fumes of the peasants!
A little over a week ago, we all reached into our pockets to see if our iPhones magically turned into a Motorola Razr and checked to see if we were wearing Juicy Couture sweats and “Chinese slippers” from Pearl River, because it seemed like everyone had time-traveled back to 2001 after Vanessa Trump opened a package full of suspicious white shit (it turned out to be corn starch). The reboot of the Anthrax scare of 2001 didn’t end there. The London Evening Standard says that Scotland Yard is investigating a letter and some Anthrax-looking powder that was sent to Prince Hot Ginge and Meghan Markle at Kensington Palace. WHY IS EVERYBODY LOOKING AT ME? Yes, I may or may not have sent Meghan Markle a “fan letter” that partly read, “Step off the ginge, you home wrecking basic cable harlot hussy trollop tramp,” but it wasn’t racist. And apparently, the letter that was sent to Meghan would make the KKK proud.