Duchess Meghan and Prince Hot Ginge got married three days ago, and so they should be fucking their sand-covered genitals off in a Sandals Resort room as THE QUEEN examines their mating skills with a magnifying glass to make sure the banger is going in the mash all the way. (Again, they still do that tradition, right?) But it’s hard out there for a British royal, because they had to go back to work today.
Did you know there was a royal wedding this weekend? If your corneas haven’t been singed by 1800 hours of royal wedding coverage, then let’s heap on another pile of royal manure! Kensington Palace, the gilded dormitory where Prince Harry and Megsy will shack up, released the official portraits of the newlyweds along with their family and wedding party. Surprisingly, it seems like the hydraulics in THE QUEEN’s face were working to make her crack a smile! Continue reading
The Markle family continues to entertain…. Daddy Thomas Markle was among the members of the now Duchess’ family that were acting crazy before the big day. And by “acting crazy,” I mean “selling her ass out.” Dad seems to have changed his tune. He’s publicly called for the Markles to close their mouths about the wedding and marriage. Dad must have realized that he needs to get it together if he ever wants to make it past the guards at Kensington Palace to see his daughter again.
To recap, Dad made his own grab for the attention spirit stick by flip-flopping about attending and getting paid to stage a corny photoshoot. He even got (elective?) heart surgery which prevented him from going and to keep the spotlight where it belonged – on him! (Prince Tampon walked Meghan down the aisle in his stead.)
TMZ (of course) spoke with Thomas post-ceremony. He expressed regret about “not being able to be there and not being able to hold my daughter’s hand.” More interestingly, he also expressed a wish for his other children to put it on mute.
True story: It was rainy and overcast in London today and just when everyone was about to sing (in their best Alanis Morissette voice), “It’s like raaaaaaaain on your wedding day,” to Meghan Markle, the clouds cleared, the sky turned blue and then sun came out when Oprah appeared!
Oprah was one of the first to show up at St. George’s Chapel for the royal wedding today, which made many brains poot out a “Que?” There’s a rumor that Oprah interviewed Meghan’s mother Doria Ragland, so some think that’s why she was invited to the wedding. But excuse you, while us regular humans may need an invitation to attend something like the royal wedding, Oprah doesn’t. Oprah just shows up and sits wherever she wants. I’d like to see one of those tricks ask Oprah if they can see her invitation. Their skin would end up embedded into the concrete after a lightning bolt from the heavens flattened them.
Oprah pretty much led the non-stop parade of stars that made it through that church today. There were so many celebrities that I thought diabolical red carpet gnome Ryan Seacrest was going to pop up with a mic to asks guests who they’re wearing, I mean, ask them awkwardly worded questions about #MeToo. Warning: Lots of celebrities went to today’s wedding so there’s lot of pictures to scroll through. So stretch your finger, put a workout belt on it, and keep a bottle of water handy for when it gets the heated sweats halfway through and needs to cool off.
Or maybe, their official royal title is: Duke and Duchess of SucksToBeYouWhores. I can’t remember which one THE QUEEN went with.
I’m currently standing outside of a Best Buy waiting for the Geek Squad to open, and that could mean only one thing: I need to get my TV fixed because I charged at it, knocking it off the wall after the Archbishop of Canterbury Tales asked if anyone objects to this union. Or at least I think he said that. It could’ve been a case of wishful thinking mixed with sleep deprivation on my part. But it is official: Duchess Meghan (née Rachel Meghan Markle) became my idol/forever object of my jealousy, because not only does she get to jump on Prince Hot Ginge’s fiery royal crotch scepter on the regular, but she now she gets to do it as his legally wedded spouse.
After what felt like centuries of fashion tricks and beyond trying to figure out who would design Meghan Markle’s wedding dress, we finally found out seconds after she stepped out of the car today. It wasn’t Stella McCartney. Or Ralph & Russo. Or Erdem. Or the ten million other designers whose name were thrown out. You might’ve looked at her dress and thought to yourself, “Looks like J. Crew had a bridal sale I didn’t hear about.” But it was actually designed by British designer Clare Waight Keller for Givenchy.
— Kensington Palace (@KensingtonRoyal) May 19, 2018
And Meghan was smart not to wear a giant ass ball gown, because that way her estranged attention whore half-siblings couldn’t smuggle in. Well played, Meghan!