Thanks to that beard and that wild, used-up copper Chore Boy hair, Prince Hot Ginge is starting to look like someone’s crazy drunk uncle who is always kicked out of bars during the day for barfing on the jukebox and acting a wreck, but I am 100% here for it. PHG is still in South Africa and today this happened during a game of rugby at Durban’s Shark Tank stadium.
Anybody with at least one working brain cell can see that PHG is just adjusting his jockstrap or chonies. Well, it’s a good thing that I don’t have at least one working brain cell, because I can clearly see that his royal crotch sword is sticking out. What’s weird is that the dude in front of him is just standing there. When PHG’s royal crotch sword sticks out like that, that’s your cue to get on your knees and let it knight you. Dude must’ve been too hypnotized by PHG’s majestic beard of fire to notice.
This highly important event happened a couple of days ago and I’m just posting about it now, because I’ve been mouth deep in a pool of Thanksgiving leftovers and booze while fucking my ear holes with my own fingers to drown out the sound of my family members fighting over everything. And I’m also just posting it now, because I was busy having some Photoshop fun with that screen shot of Prince Hot Ginge with his ass up in the air.
While those thirsty royal bitches Duchess Kate and Prince William spent part of their weekend refreshing Kensington Palace’s Twitter page to watch the favorites count on those pictures of Baby Princess Charlotte go up and up and up, Prince Hot Ginge was in South Africa doing some actual work! PHG did a four-day tour to South Africa and during a polo match on Saturday, he ate grass twice after falling off of his horse. Yes, my ass is jealous of that grass.
The best way to watch this video is to watch it with the sound on mute and “Pony” blasting.
The HELL is wrong with that horse? When PHG is riding your back hard, you enjoy the ride and keep him on you as long as possible. Who cares if the heat from his piping hot royal jewels burn through the saddle and char your skin? You keep on! I swear, that horse is an embarrassment. This would’ve never ever happened if I could shape-shift into a polo horse. (“Well, you’re already a horse’s ass, so you’re halfway there, bitch!” – you)
And here’s Saint Hot Ginge visiting a youth center in Cape Town today.
Today, I am that dude in the background patiently awaiting for Prince Hot Ginge to heat up every inch of his body by giving him an extra warm ginger hug.
As those royal lazies Prince William, Duchess Kate, Prince George and Princess Charlotte took the whole weekend off, the hottest benefits scrounger (copyright: Morrissey) in Britain and beyond went back to work in London after causing the streets of DC to fill with gallons of coochie cream. One of PHG’s favorite charities, Walking With The Wounded, ended their 1,000 mile marathon journey through Britain in front of his memaw’s city pied-à-terre, Buckingham Palace, on Sunday and he was there to cheer their asses on.
“Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you the reason why your coochies or b-holes or both are on fire right now!” – Jill Biden in that picture, obviously.
If you’re in the DC area right now and wondering why your down low parts are panting like a dog in the desert and why it feels like four thousand rays of piping hot heat are hitting you, it’s because Prince Hot Ginge is there. Walk by the Washington Monument and you’ll see that it looks more erect than usual. PHG is in DC for a quickie. He’s just sticking the tip in real quick. He flew into DC from England last night and he’s leaving tonight. PHG is in DC to promote the Paralympic-style Invictus Games, which is happening in Orlando, FL next year.
PHG first met up with Michelle Obama and Jill Biden for Slippery Nipple shots at a T.G.I. Friday’s in Foggy Bottom. (No, that’s not my nickname, it’s a neighborhood in DC. And yes, I made that shit up about them going to T.G.I. Friday’s. They went to Chili’s.) After that, Jill Biden and Michelle Obama gave PHG a tour of the USO Warrior and Family Center at Fort Belvoir in Virginia. While there, PHG met with wounded veterans, watched a basketball game and spoke. Here’s a compilation of important scenes from PHG’s visit:
When “Get Ready For This” played, I expected PHG to whip off his blazer and give someone a lap dance. He must’ve been all the way sober by then. PHG also met with President Obama in the Oval Office and Obama let him know that the White House will be painted a bright shade of ginger in his honor.
By the way, I’m typing this on a Braille keyboard, because I’ve had THAT PICTURE of Prince Hot Ginge taped onto my face since Friday. “Did you do something to your hair? You look so much better!” is what I heard all weekend from my family and friends.
The London premiere of the 24th James Bond movie, Spectre, happened tonight and Prince Hot Ginge was there, because DUH, there was an open bar and I’m sure the place was filled with stringy dishwater blondes he could make out with behind the concession counter. PHG brought along those other two, Prince William and Duchess Kate, because they never ever get out of the house and needed a date night.
Okay, maybe just one comment: Bury me with this picture taped to my face, please.
Pics: Wenn.com (Thanks to everybody who gave me this tip!)
I’ve had a dream that started just like this! You know, Prince Hot Ginge is just a regular ole’ construction worker and after he’s laid off, he has to bring in coins to pay his bills by stripping down to his flaming ginger bush for the locals. Only, in my dream, that doesn’t really make him money either so he has to step it up by giving naked lap dances to skinny fat American bloggers while they’re both covered in oil and Tom Jones croons in the corner.
Anyway, Prince Hot Ginge and Prince William once again shut up the haters who are always calling them privileged scroungers. PHG did himself up in hot scruffy construction worker drag and Prince William put a hairless white helmet on his hairless white head to do actual hard labor today. The BBC says that PHG and PW were guest stars on DIY SOS, a show on the BBC that’s devoted to fixing the homes of British families in need. The show’s cast and crew are currently turning a rundown street in Manchester into a community for veterans.
During filming today, Prince William picked up a roller and painted a wall, and Prince Hot Ginge picked up a tile (or a piece of siding or whatever that is). Yes, they probably dropped that shit as soon as the cameras turned off, but still. Thanks to Prince William and Prince Hot Ginge, that wall got painted and that tile (or whatever it is) got blessed by a ginger adonis. That house will forever stay warm thanks to the tile thing that was touched by PHG.
And in other PHG news, The Daily Beast says that a ginger supremacist was found guilty of planning to carry out a bunch of terrorist attacks that would eventually lead to Prince Harry becoming the ginger ruler of England.
After decades of perceived abuse for his red hair, Mark Colborne, 37, stockpiled the ingredients required for an arsenal of chemical weapons that he was planning to deploy against “blacks and Caucasian idiots,” officials say.
On behalf of his ginger “brothers,” the man’s ultimate aim was to assassinate Prince Charles and Prince William so that the British crown could be placed on the red head of Prince Harry.
Okay, I’m all for him trying to make PHG king, but he lost me at all that racism and mass murder shit. Um, couldn’t he just have started a petition on Change.org like a normal person?
Kensington Palace Tells The Paparazzi To Stop Taking Unauthorized Pictures Of Prince George Or Else!
Kensington Palace is not fucking around and today the town crier stood in the middle of the square and yelled out “Hear Ye! Hear Ye!” before reading a 60,000 word statement to the paparazzi and the media about why it’s wrong to take and publish unauthorized pictures of the royal children. The statement says that the paparazzi are stalking Prince George and are taking pictures of him outside of public events using shady tactics like long lenses and hiding in bushes. Some publications, mostly in the US, France, Germany, Australia and New Zealand have published the pictures. Kensington Palace wants the paps and the media to let Prince George live his life. “Our impact has gone international!” – Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard
Over the weekend, the British royals were hit with an ESCANDALOSO video and surprisingly, it wasn’t a video of Prince Philip choking out a basket of kittens for looking at him wrong. The Sun released an old, grainy video of a 7-year-old Queen Elizabeth (who was Princess Elizabeth back then) doing the Nazi salute with her known Nazi sympathizer uncle Edward, her sister Princess Margaret and their mom. The clip came from the royal family’s personal archives. Buckingham Palace said at the time that they are considering suing whores and will investigate this “invasion of privacy.” Well, the Daily Telegraph says that there’s a chance the leak came from INSIDE THE PALACE!
Send them to the gallows for this!
Poor Princess Charlotte. First, she was forced to wear her brother’s old, used lace gown to her christening and then she was forced to pose in a family portrait without Prince Hot Ginge. I see her “Why me?” head tilt in that picture. I know it well, because I do that when it’s 9pm on a Saturday night and I realize I drank the last bottle of wine in the house. Prince Hot Ginge was in Africa doing charity work, so he wasn’t able to make his royal niece’s induction into the Haus of Jesus, but that’s still no excuse for him not being in the portrait.
Between her hand waving duties and brushing her velvet locks 200 times a day, Duchess Kate could’ve taken a quick graphic design class at the London branch of The Learning Annex (They have that, right?) and Photoshopped PHG into that picture. Like this:
And I don’t even have a certificate in graphic design from the London branch of The Learning Annex. Surprising, I know. If you’re wondering why Jude Law is in that family portrait, that’s not Jude Law. It’s Duchess Kate’s brother. I know, I hardly recognized him without that hot French maid costume on his body.
Here’s more pictures, taken by Mario Testino, from Kensington Palace’s Twitter account of Princess Charlotte’s christening day. I’m slow clapping for Prince George smiling at the camera like, “Haha, I’ve got more hair than my daddy.”