Prince Hot Ginge once allegedly told a gay dude that he’d give him a call if he “changes his mind about women,” and I remember that quote as though I just read it 2 minutes ago, because I did just read it 2 minutes ago. It’s tattooed over my right nipple so I read it while giving myself a quickie whore bath in the sink this morning. So PHG would obviously be my first choice for the first British royal to grace the cover of a gay magazine. THE QUEEN in Dame Edna drag would be my second choice. Prince William would probably be my 5th choice after the fallen Duchess Fergie in a rainbow flag and all of THE QUEEN’s Corgis, but I’ll gladly take it.
Today is the 95th birthday of Prince Philip, the British royal family’s messiest old coot, so everyone in England should be celebrating his special day by airing out their huevos or chochas in a kilt while offending people and cursing tricks out. But that’s not happening, because everyone is too busy celebrating the anniversary of THE QUEEN’s born day again. Prince Hot Ginge’s abuelita turned 90 in April, but when you come out of a royal cooch with a tiara on your head, you get two birthday celebrations.
This picture of Prince Hot Ginge and Ellie Goulding was taken all the way in 2014, but I can completely tell that she’s thinking to herself, “YES! The tabloids can use this picture of us when my publicist eventually leaks a fake story about how I’m getting with Harry.” Looking like a damn house painter in that outfit. Bitch, go paint a house and let PHG be!
The Sun EXCLUSIVELY reported yesterday that PHG is trying to woo English pop singer Ellie Goulding and that the two have been flirting through text messages the past few weeks. They’ve been friends for a while and got close when Ellie was the wedding singer at Duchess Kate and Prince William’s royal nuptials. And at the Audi Polo Challenge last month, Ellie and PHG supposedly got caught by an onlooker kissing under a blanket. Presenting this work of fiction:
“It turned into a real party late into the night and there was a complete ban on taking pictures so Harry and the other celebrities there could feel comfortable. Harry was really going for it after the polo – he was drinking and dancing. They were part of a wider group including Tom Hardy. But Harry and Ellie only had eyes for each other all night – they spent a lot of time sitting together under blankets. They were seen having a kiss before Harry had to go because he was playing polo the next day. Ellie left about five minutes later.
Harry was overheard on the way out telling some friends how much he liked her. But there’s already a lot of talk amongst friends that the palace wouldn’t allow her as a serious girlfriend because of her celebrity background.”
Let me guess… The blanket was made out of unicorn fur, PHG gave Ellie a promise ring made out of fairy hair and they left together in an invisible carriage pulled by Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and a baby T-Rex in a tutu. But really, who hasn’t been caught by an “onlooker” humping on PHG under a blanket? I know I have, only the “onlooker” turned out to be my dog and I wasn’t humping on PHG under a blanket. I was just crying about my loneliness under a duvet.
And here’s PHG practicing his fisting skills at the Double Jab Boxing Club in London two days ago:
Pics: Getty, Splash
At the Invictus Games in Orlando, FL a couple of weeks ago, a competitor from the UK pulled up his shirt to show Prince Hot Ginge his chest tattoo, and the ginger jewel of the British royal family used that opportunity to get into some quickie nip play. But the dude who was on the right end of that nipple tweaking had a really weird and unnatural response to it. I mean, he quickly pulled down his shirt and went OMG with his face. The natural reaction would be to pick up your prostate off of the floor (because obviously it’d fall out of you as soon as PHG touched your tit knob), and as you stuff it back into your ass, you run off to get a protective plastic box made for the nip that was touched by PHG.
First, PHG group hugs a bunch of hot, wet, shirtless swimmers and now this. I wish the Invictus Games lasted for months, because if it did, PHG may have given me enough material to put together a homoerotic soft-core porn. And I’m going to end this post now, because it’s really hard to type with one hand. No, I’m not doing that. What do you take me for? I’m a professional! I’m using the other hand to make my Prince Hot Ginge Real Doll pinch my nip so I can sort of know what it feels like. God!
(Thanks to everyone who sent this to me!)
Today was day 3 of the Invictus Games in Orlando, FL and after the swimming relay team from Britain won the gold medal, they all gathered around and got Prince Hot Ginge wet. I’m going to keep from commenting on that picture, because Dlisted is already blocked in a lot of places for being HIGHLY inappropriate, and if I describe that pic, this mess of a site will definitely be labeled as 100% porn. So I’ll just leave that beautiful picture here. But I will say that you should be grateful that it’s a digital picture and that I didn’t give you a hard copy. Because if it was a hard copy, you’d definitely have to clean it with antibacterial Windex. You know, you should go ahead and spray your screen with antibacterial Windex anyway. Just in case.
Pics: AP, Splash, Getty
On any given Saturday night, you’d usually find me passed out on a pile of fun size 3 Musketeers wrappers with a dried stream of red wine drool clinging to my face. But this past Saturday night, you’d find me smoking a cigarette in bed in between wiping the sweat off of my forehead with a cold wet towel after having some Photoshop fun with that picture of Prince Hot Ginge busting out a happy O face while grasping onto a bottle. Yes, that’s the most action I’ve had in years.
Yesterday the TSA sent me a letter saying that I was put on the Do Not Fly To Florida list, and that could only mean one thing: The Invictus Games begin next week in Orlando, FL and Prince Hot Ginge will be there!
The Invictus Games were started by PHG, and they’re a Paralympic-style sporting event involving a bunch of countries. Since it’s happening in the US this year, Michelle Obama has been helping to promote it, and this morning, she tweeted a video of message and her and President Obama pretty much puffing their chests up at PHG. (Michelle Obama also showed off her impeccable teleprompter-reading skills in that video.) PHG answered back with help from THE QUEEN! THE QUEEN spit out a verbal eye roll at the Obamas’ threat and that was PHG’s cue to drop the mic. I’m jealous of the Obamas, because I wish PHG would drop his mic on me, and yes, that’s a euphemism.
— Kensington Palace (@KensingtonRoyal) April 29, 2016
I bet that clip was highly edited. I bet that in the raw footage, THE QUEEN takes off her earrings, kicks off her shoes and goes after the phone while swinging her pocketbook as PHG and her Corgis try to hold her back. Don’t come for THE QUEEN unless she sends for you!
And here’s PHG making chonies go BOOM while working a tuxedo at the BT Sports Industry Awards in London last night.
This morning, Prince Hot Ginge made a thousand British mums cleanse the ears of their children with holy water by saying the word “arse” during an interview on BBC Radio 2, and believe it or not, that’s not the biggest British royal news today. The big British royal news is that before Duchess Kate and Prince William hosted President Obama and Michelle Obama in their Ballard Designs-looking ass sitting room at Kensington Palace, they hid a plaque that they thought would offend their American guests.
The Sun (via The Mirror) says that below the painting behind Duchess Kate and Michelle Obama in the picture above is a plaque with the title on it. The title of the painting is “The Negro Page.” Not one of Duchess Kate and Prince William’s minions gave it a thought until minutes before President Obama showed up.
Prince Hot Ginge and that other one continued to work really, really hard for that taxpayer money today by playing with Star Wars stuff and meeting the cast at Pinewood Studios in Buckinghamshire. PHG and Prince George’s papa je’e met Mark Hamill and Daisy Ridley who are currently filming Star Wars: Episode Who Cares What It’s Called It’s Still Going To Make Forty Billion Dollars No Matter What. PHG also had a sweet moment with Chewbacca, and if I was into wookie-on-human-porn (Tip of the day: Don’t Google “wookie-on-human-porn“), I’d check myself into an insane asylum, but before I did that, I’d print out this picture, grab a tub of Crisco and lock myself in my bedroom for the next 4 hours.
One thing I learned from that picture is that if I want to get a sweet hug from PHG, I need to be over 7 feet tall, covered in mangy hair, smell like wet dog ass and have bugs living on my body. I better learn how to walk in stilts, spray myself with one of Justin Bieber’s cologne and go through Brit Brit Spears’ trash cans for cast-off weaves I can tape to my body. I hear you saying, “At least you don’t have to worry about getting bugs to live on your body since I’m sure you’re already covered in crabs.” Haha, very funny. (You’re right.)
And here’s another picture of PHG and his brother having a light saber fight.
Since my brain is always set to “sucio” I would say, “I’d wish they’d take that sword fight to my mouth,” but gross. Not with Prince William holding the other “sword.” Now if it was Prince Philip, that’d be a different story.
Pics: WPA Pool, Getty @KensingtonRoyal
Prince Hot Ginge is already back home in England after his charity trip to Nepal, but THE PALACE is going to squeeze as much attention out of that trip as possible, so new pictures were released including one of him and another dude handling a long, hard piece of semi-thick cut wood. Yes, that dripping sound you hear is me salivating while writing soft-core porn about a picture of PHG holding a piece of literal wood. You can officially label it as the sound of sad desperation.
When PHG was in Nepal, he assumed the position while pretending to be a tiger and he also visited sites hit hard by the earthquake last year. The Telegraph says that PHG didn’t only visit sites, he also helped rebuild a school and farm in a village that was torn apart by the quake. PHG and other veterans worked with Team Rubicon to lay down the foundation of a classroom and build a new farm with solar panels. Team Rubicon’s director of development claims that PHG wasn’t just there for a photo-op like SOME royals (I’m looking at you, Prince George) and he didn’t pose with the wood for 30 seconds before dropping it to take a helicopter ride to the nearest big city to party with a bunch of drunken tricks. Apparently, he worked and slept there:
“It was very much hands on manual labour – sleeping, eating and working out there with the other vets. Getting very much stuck-in as one of the team.”
Slept there too?! Don’t be surprised if you hear a news story about how a psychotic skinny fat American gay was jailed in Nepal after the people of a small village caught him fucking one of their mattresses. Hey, if you don’t want me fucking your mattress, don’t tell me that PHG slept on it.
Here’s a couple more pictures of PHG doing hard labor as well as pictures of him with the team who will compete for the UK at the Invictus Games in Florida in May.