No, that isn’t Duchess Meghan waving bye to the latest royal staffer to say “Dueces!” but it should be! In the race between the White House and Kensington Palace as to who can see more staffers quit in a given year, KP leaps ahead for 2019!
Royal staffers have handed in their “bye bitch” letters ever since Meghan became a 5am NIGHTMARE by firing off emails at the break of dawn. Meghan’s assistant already quit since I imagine the dark nail polish and one-off bare shoulder became too much for a poor soul to endure. This time around, it’s her and Prince Harry’s bodyguard who is quitting, but they swear it has nothing to do with Meg. Ah, well, Meghan seems to be trying to deflect today by casually letting slip to a peasant when she’s expecting to give birth. Continue reading
The royal family has been just as miserable as our peasant families the last few months, and the tabloids say that has to do with Duchess Meghan coming in and firing off sunrise emails to staff and making sure the royal staff keep Kleenex readily available for Duchess Kate. The press has feasted on her left and right, and Prince Harry feels like it’s all his fault that her life is such a stress basket these days. Yes, enabling her to leave basic cable for tiara time and making millions off waving to strangers is a TERRIBLE thing for you to have done, Harry!
The main reason for why I’ve never gotten a woman pregnant is a little thing called “being gayer than a strawberry lube-scented fart out of a power bottom flamingo’s ass.” But now I know that the other reason why I’ve never gotten a woman pregnant is because as soon as she said the words, “Will you give up booze and coffee with me?“, I’d Billy Crudup her by leaving her pregnant ass for another trick, the other trick being hot rum coffee, of course. But not Prince Hot Ginge! PHG’s vodka-snorting days are so long gone that he actually broke up with the sweet nectar. And not only that, but he also temporarily ended things with coffee and tea after Duchess Meghan asked him to. Is PHG trying to give his memaw THE QUEEN a heart attack? Because that’s what might happen if he says “no thanks” to an offer of a gin or some tea.
When I heard Duchess Meghan and Duchess Catherine would end up spending Christmas together with THE QUEEN at her country estate, I figured their feuding would escalate to Kate snickering when Meghan sat down on a Whoopee cushion left on her chair, and Meghan would strike back by short-sheeting Kate’s bed. Alas, QE2 probably saw this coming and wasn’t about to have her Sandringham estate turned into hazing week at the Kappa Gamma house. Meghan and Kate were seen strolling en route to church looking like old chums, and The Sun’s creative writing interns say that wasn’t a coincidence.
On this Christmas Day (otherwise known as Annual Gross Lovey Dovey Couples Hijacking Jesus’ Born Day By Announcing They Got Engaged Day), Prince Hot Ginge, Duchess Meghan, Prince William, and Duchess Kate did their second annual foursome strut to St. Mary Magdalene Church in Sandringham, only this time they were all probably thinking to themselves, “Smile something extra to kill those goddamn tabloids rumors.” Why do I have a feeling that before their little PR sashay to church, THE QUEEN texted all of them and recited Rose McGowan’s speech from Jawbreaker when she said, “You all are going to walk into that church and strut your shit down the hallway like everything is peachy fucking keen, get it?”
Rather than see another headline about how she would like nothing more than to slap Duchess Kate with one of her silly fascinators, Duchess Meghan is deploying the greatest diversion tactic in her toolkit: the baby bump! Meghan was performing her last royal duty of 2018 today by visiting a nursing home for elderly who were once entertainers. Swapping jazz hands and dirt on silver screen legends with old fogies who don’t have any fucks left to give? Sign. Me. Up. Meghan, of course, had to make it all about her, so she spent most of the day rubbing her pregnant belly. Psh, pipe down, Meg! I’m trying to hear about how big of a dick Laurence Olivier could be.