There comes a time in every balding dude’s life when he’s got to make a choice on which way to go. Is he going to channel his inner evil billionaire by going the Mr. Burns route (fluffy on the sides and liver-spotted bald hotness on the top)? Is he going to embrace the dick head look by shaving off every hair that’s left on his head? Is he going to do a John Travolta and hunt down a Shih Tzu, skin the poor thing and then wear it on his head? When I start balding, I’m going to finally live out my Walter Mercado hair dreams and buy a blond Sonata wig from Raquel Welch. But Prince William has decided to flirt with shaving it all off.
Happy Martin Luther King Day! Since we don’t have our own giant pile of racist garbage to deal with (/sarcasm), we must turn our attention across the pond to find some trash that needs throwing out.
Meet Henry Bolton and his lady love Jo Marney. According to Newsweek, Henry is the leader of Britain’s “far-right” UK Independence Party (UKIP) and Jo is a “25” year old “Presenter. Music Journalist. Model. Actor. Brexiteer” who was also a member of UKIP until she got busted sending racists text messages about Meghan Markle.
See, this is what happens when an American commoner is allowed into the British royal family. She
single-handedly single-bunedly rocks the monarchy as we know it with her sloppy hair!
Meghan Markle and Prince Hot Ginge were back at work today in Brixton, where she continued to do her main job: keep the coat industry alive by wearing a coat everyone will buy. Meghan and PHG also visited Reprezent Radio, a station for youngins’ by youngins’. Surprisingly, the main talk isn’t about Meghan’s coat or even her slight British accent, it’s all about her MESSY BUN!
You would think that the people who are happiest about Prince Hot Ginge and Meghan Markle getting married would be Prince Hot Ginge, Meghan Markle and the makers of coats, but nobody is happier than her half-sister Samantha Grant! Because Samantha can cash in now that her half-sister is marrying into the British royal family. See, monarchy haters, the British royals create jobs. They even created a full-time opportunist attention whore job for an American!
My favorite journalist Prince Hot Ginge interviewed our 44th POTUS Barack Obama on BBC Radio 4, and in between fluffy questions about the political dangers of social media and the pressures of being president, PHG asked hard-hitting ones like “boxers or briefs?”, “Rachel or Monica?” and “Kim or Khloe?” Obama wouldn’t answer the last one, but he should’ve said, “You mean Kim Fields or Chloe Lattanzi, right? Because they are the only Kim and Chloe I care about!” There was one answer that Obama gave and it made me wish he was hooked up to a lie detector machine, because I really want to see a lie detector needle spell the words “Bitch, PLEASE!” on a piece of lie detector paper.
Meghan Markle will officially join the British Royal Family in May 2018, but if you ask my ass, she officially joined this morning when she partook in the family tradition of wearing a stupid fucking hat to Christmas Day church service at St Mary Magdalene Church in Sandringham. Besides resisting the urge to slap Prince Michael of Kunt at THE QUEEN’s pre-Christmas lunch the other day, Meghan Markel’s biggest challenge as a royal was probably trying to stay the hell awake through Christmas church service today. Although, it’s probably impossible to fall asleep when your down-low parts are loudly singing HALLELUJAH over you getting to do Prince Hot Ginge on the regular.
Meghan joined PHG, THE QUEEN, Prince Philip, Prince Charles, Duchess Camilla and Duchess Kate at church this morning. Duchess Kate did herself up like a little rich girl from the 1950s on Christmas Day, and it was highly rude of her to wear that warm bear pubes hat on her head while her husband was probably suffering from hypothermia of the bald spot. Duchess Kate’s hat and coat were made by the Haus of Who Cares What Duchess Kate Was Wearing When Meghan Markle Was There. Because I know you care and really want to max out your credit cards while getting the exact look, Meghan Markle wore a $1,300 baby alpaca coat by Sentaler, $650 suede boots by Stuart Weitzman, a $1,400 Chloe purse and a fancy chocolate hat that looks like the poop emoji to haters, and like a fancy French version of the poop emoji (le poop emojé) to fans.
I didn’t see any pictures of Prince George and Princes Charlotte. They were probably busy doing more important things: commanding the stores to open so that they can return the dumb Christmas presents they didn’t want.
And here’s more pictures from this morning’s service including one of THE QUEEN blinding everyone’s eyes by looking like a regal naranja.