Any British royal can’t announce their engagement until THE QUEEN has had their fiancee over and judged their outfit, shoes, hair, face and mannerisms while gracefully sipping straight gin from a teacup. So, Richard Kay of The Daily Mail says that Prince Hot Ginge asked his gramama to have a little kiki with his girlfriend (who is probably his secret fiancee by now) Meghan Markle. They sipped tea and ate tiny sandwiches and cake in THE QUEEN’s private sitting room at Buckingham Palace. Then Meghan politely excused herself and went to the ladies room where she farted out God Save The Queen from the Britishness of it all.
In April 2018, the fifth in line to the British throne will make their way out of Duchess Kate’s womb royale, and you better not say shit when you watch her stumbling out of that goddamn Lindo Wing door while awkwardly holding a giant old skinny fat gay in Mary Janes, oversized baby bloomers and a lace bonnet. Don’t tell the bobbies that I paid off a Lindo Wing nurse to switch me and “The Michelle” of the royal children (Prince George is obviously The Beyonce). It might be my last chance to call Prince Hot Ginge “uncle” in person!
Duchess Kate has been battling morning sickness now that she’s expecting baby número tres, and I’m sure the Queen’s sunrise gin fumes aren’t helping matters. But that didn’t keep her from pulling a Nicole Kidman and getting personal with another dude in front of her man at Paddington Station this morning! Continue reading
The world is not a fair place at all, and I learned that again today when I watched a video from a volleyball match at the Invictus Games in Toronto. If I was seated next to Prince Hot Ginge in the stands and stuck my hand into his popcorn bag, I wouldn’t have a hand anymore, because the royal guards would chop it off with a sword before dragging me off to a dungeon where they’d shackle my stump to a wall and leave me there for eternity! But when an adorable little girl does it, she’s met with awwwws and ovary-busting faces from PHG. This world really is so prejudiced!
And I’ve made my official place on a suicide watch list somewhere.
Even though Prince Hot Ginge publicly defended his girlfriend Meghan Markle against racist gross shit, and she was on a 100% Kensington Palace-approved cover of Vanity Fair, and they’ve been photographed everywhere together, some crazy bitches in denial (Why is everyone looking at me?) thought that maybe just maybe, they wouldn’t get engaged and he’d realize that he has a duty to the people. He has a duty to remain single so that the delusional, hard-up whores out there (You’re doing it again, you’re looking at me) think that they have an actual chance with a straight British prince who doesn’t even know or care that they’ve alive. But it looks like the engagement ring necklace (aka a copper-colored cock ring I wear around my neck) that Prince Hot Ginge (aka a PHG cuddle pillow) gave me will soon mean nothing, because these two are totally getting engaged now that they’ve made their official hand-holding official debut at an official event! Let me say official just one more time…
Sorry, Duchess Kate, but you’re not the only Royal-by-relationship that has BIG HUGE NEWS this week. You got a considerable amount of attention with your third pregnancy announcement, but you’ll have to collect your things and vacate the spotlight. Royal girlfriend-turned-possible finacée Meghan Markle has a magazine cover! And not just any magazine, oh no. She’s not flashing her TV star smile on the front page of Aspiring Princess weekly. Nope, she’s the star of the October issue of Vanity Fair. Congratulations, Meghan! Continue reading