I’ve had a dream that started just like this! You know, Prince Hot Ginge is just a regular ole’ construction worker and after he’s laid off, he has to bring in coins to pay his bills by stripping down to his flaming ginger bush for the locals. Only, in my dream, that doesn’t really make him money either so he has to step it up by giving naked lap dances to skinny fat American bloggers while they’re both covered in oil and Tom Jones croons in the corner.
Anyway, Prince Hot Ginge and Prince William once again shut up the haters who are always calling them privileged scroungers. PHG did himself up in hot scruffy construction worker drag and Prince William put a hairless white helmet on his hairless white head to do actual hard labor today. The BBC says that PHG and PW were guest stars on DIY SOS, a show on the BBC that’s devoted to fixing the homes of British families in need. The show’s cast and crew are currently turning a rundown street in Manchester into a community for veterans.
During filming today, Prince William picked up a roller and painted a wall, and Prince Hot Ginge picked up a tile (or a piece of siding or whatever that is). Yes, they probably dropped that shit as soon as the cameras turned off, but still. Thanks to Prince William and Prince Hot Ginge, that wall got painted and that tile (or whatever it is) got blessed by a ginger adonis. That house will forever stay warm thanks to the tile thing that was touched by PHG.
And in other PHG news, The Daily Beast says that a ginger supremacist was found guilty of planning to carry out a bunch of terrorist attacks that would eventually lead to Prince Harry becoming the ginger ruler of England.
After decades of perceived abuse for his red hair, Mark Colborne, 37, stockpiled the ingredients required for an arsenal of chemical weapons that he was planning to deploy against “blacks and Caucasian idiots,” officials say.
On behalf of his ginger “brothers,” the man’s ultimate aim was to assassinate Prince Charles and Prince William so that the British crown could be placed on the red head of Prince Harry.
Okay, I’m all for him trying to make PHG king, but he lost me at all that racism and mass murder shit. Um, couldn’t he just have started a petition on Change.org like a normal person?
Kensington Palace Tells The Paparazzi To Stop Taking Unauthorized Pictures Of Prince George Or Else!
Kensington Palace is not fucking around and today the town crier stood in the middle of the square and yelled out “Hear Ye! Hear Ye!” before reading a 60,000 word statement to the paparazzi and the media about why it’s wrong to take and publish unauthorized pictures of the royal children. The statement says that the paparazzi are stalking Prince George and are taking pictures of him outside of public events using shady tactics like long lenses and hiding in bushes. Some publications, mostly in the US, France, Germany, Australia and New Zealand have published the pictures. Kensington Palace wants the paps and the media to let Prince George live his life. “Our impact has gone international!” – Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard
Over the weekend, the British royals were hit with an ESCANDALOSO video and surprisingly, it wasn’t a video of Prince Philip choking out a basket of kittens for looking at him wrong. The Sun released an old, grainy video of a 7-year-old Queen Elizabeth (who was Princess Elizabeth back then) doing the Nazi salute with her known Nazi sympathizer uncle Edward, her sister Princess Margaret and their mom. The clip came from the royal family’s personal archives. Buckingham Palace said at the time that they are considering suing whores and will investigate this “invasion of privacy.” Well, the Daily Telegraph says that there’s a chance the leak came from INSIDE THE PALACE!
Send them to the gallows for this!
Poor Princess Charlotte. First, she was forced to wear her brother’s old, used lace gown to her christening and then she was forced to pose in a family portrait without Prince Hot Ginge. I see her “Why me?” head tilt in that picture. I know it well, because I do that when it’s 9pm on a Saturday night and I realize I drank the last bottle of wine in the house. Prince Hot Ginge was in Africa doing charity work, so he wasn’t able to make his royal niece’s induction into the Haus of Jesus, but that’s still no excuse for him not being in the portrait.
Between her hand waving duties and brushing her velvet locks 200 times a day, Duchess Kate could’ve taken a quick graphic design class at the London branch of The Learning Annex (They have that, right?) and Photoshopped PHG into that picture. Like this:
And I don’t even have a certificate in graphic design from the London branch of The Learning Annex. Surprising, I know. If you’re wondering why Jude Law is in that family portrait, that’s not Jude Law. It’s Duchess Kate’s brother. I know, I hardly recognized him without that hot French maid costume on his body.
Here’s more pictures, taken by Mario Testino, from Kensington Palace’s Twitter account of Princess Charlotte’s christening day. I’m slow clapping for Prince George smiling at the camera like, “Haha, I’ve got more hair than my daddy.”
GOD SAVE THE PRINCE FROM THOSE RUBBER DEVIL MITTS ON HIS FEETS!
Any trick who spits up at the mouth about how the royals never work can eat their peasant words, because they worked two shifts this weekend. Yesterday, Duchess Kate, Prince William and the hardest working baby in the game (sorry, Justin Bieber) Prince George had to smile and wave at THE QUEEN’s annual birthday parade. You’d think that after all that waving they’d have to spend their Sunday resting their wavin’ hands in freshly warmed fine velvet cloths as their servants massage their sore smiling muscles, but nope. They were back at work today at the Festival of Polo at the Beaufort Polo Club in Tetbury, England.
People says that Duchess Kate, Prince George and some other British royal types watched Prince Hot Ginge and Prince William play polo. I guess tiny royal princes care as much about polo as I do, because Prince George spent most of the time playing on some hill. Photographer James Whatling gave this highly riveting and majorly thrilling witness account of Prince George trying to slide down a slope:
“[George] was playing on the bank. He was walking up the steps and then tried sliding down the bank. The older ones like Savannah was doing it so he wanted to do it too. He was sliding down and Kate joined him, trying to support him as he did.”
When a biopic about Prince George’s life is made in the future, I expect that moment to be the most captivating and edge-of-your-seat scene in the movie. But really, who cares about that when we have more important things to talk about like those CROCS!
I know that Duchess Kate and Prince William want their family to be the people’s royal family or whatever, but they have gone too far by making their kid wear CROCS. I’ve said before that it’s only okay to wear CROCS if you’re planting some shit in your garden or if you’re a baby who doesn’t know any better, but I take it back. Because now that Prince George has been photographed in toddler CROCS, I’m sure they’re already sold out and soon my eyes will be terrorized by the sight of kids in CROCS everywhere.
But you know, I bet that Prince George picked out those CROCS himself, because he don’t give a hell and can do whatever he wants. In that picture above, he’s totally thinking to himself, “I will wear CROCS and I will fart on you. I’m the future king!”
I have no idea what Prince Harry is doing with his tongue, but I do know it’s my duty to crop this pic right around his head and send it to Michael K immediately.
Even though Prince George has appeared before his subjects countless times before, today was the first time he’s ever done it on the Buckingham Palace balcony with all the other fancy Royal Family types. I guess getting invited onto the Palace balcony is a pretty big deal, because George was dressed in his fancy baby best. According to TIME, George wore the exact same outfit his daddy wore when he made his first appearance on the Palace balcony in 1984. You know you’re about to do something very important when you see your mom pulling out a Space Bag and blowing 30 years worth of moth ball dust and dried-up spiders off of it.
But Prince George didn’t decide to make an appearance on the balcony just because he felt like it. It was for The Queen’s annual Trooping the Colour ceremony. I really one of The Queen’s corgi’s warned those pilots to keep their eyes on the sky, because I can imagine their flying would get all kinds of sloppy in the event they accidentally looked down at the balcony and got distracted by Prince George being adorable.
Not only was it a big day for Prince George, but it was also a big day for his mom. Today was Duchess Kate’s first day back at work since pushing out Princess Charlotte six weeks ago. Maybe that would explain her hat; nothing says “Aw shit, back to work” like wearing a hat made out of a plastic bedpan.
Here’s more of Prince George being cute as hell while watching a bunch of planes fly overhead during the Trooping the Colour ceremony earlier today.
When you’re just a regular peasant like 99% of us here, you may have gotten a caramel square, a butterscotch hard candy, some quarters to buy a Pink Panther ice cream bar from the paleta man or a look that says, “You’re safe from the chancla this time,” from your abuelita when you didn’t act a mess and kept quiet during her telenovela-watching time. But when you’re a fancy British royal who was lucky enough to swim out of a prince’s dick slit and jam yourself into a princess’ egg, you get an actual medal for being nice to your grandma. Not just a gold star sticker, a damn medal.
The BBC says that THE QUEEN made Prince Hot Ginge a Knight Commander of the Royal Victorian Order during a private ceremony at the palace. PHG got the knighthood for his “service to the sovereign.” In other words, he got that shit for doing something all of us should do. In other words, PHG gets awards for being PHG. That’s the way it should be. Some source (probably one of the more gossipy Corgis) tells The Telegraph that PHG was proud of getting a title for being nice to Nana Liz.
A royal source said Prince Harry, 30, was “proud and pleased” to receive the honour, adding: “It is very significant for him personally.”
Note to self: Make sure to scream out “Sir Prince Hot Ginge” instead of just “Prince Hot Ginge” during my wet dream fantasies. Must remain respectful of the royals and their titles at all times!
Why, GOD, why couldn’t I have been born with the power to shape-shift into an Australia memaw?!
Prince Hot Ginge entered Australia four weeks ago to work with the Australian Defence Force. (I wish he’d enter my land down under, which isn’t like Australia at all. It’s more like Mordor.) His four-week placement came to an end today and the people came out to say goodbye to him. Daphne Dunne (the sly memaw above) had a G-rated Extreme Cougar Wives moment with Prince Hot Ginge when she took his hand and went in for a kiss. You may be thinking that those medals she’s wearing are for being an expert wooer and charmer, but those are her husband’s military medals. I’m going to need Granny Daphne to come out of retirement for a minute to teach me her ways, because she got a hot ginger kiss out of PHG, so she’s obviously doing everything right.
Many were horny for Harry at his goodbye party in Sydney today including a 21-year-old woman, who is kind of giving me “Whitney Port mashed up with Kiki Dunst” vibes. Victoria got Prince Hot Ginge’s attention by holding up a sign that read: MARRY ME (LAST CHANCE!) PRINCE HARRY. When Prince Hot Ginge came over to her, she actually asked him to marry her while an extra ornate Burger King crown was on her head. PHG said he’d think about it before he motioned to his security to have her name added to the restraining order list right under my name.
Part of me thinks that she’s my long-lost Australian spirit sister, because her love for PHG trumps her sense of shame. We are the same like that. But the other part of me thinks that what she did is just creepy and presumptuous. I mean, she doesn’t really know him. You can’t just ask a stranger to marry you. You can’t just go from a to cardboard marriage proposals. There’s an order to things. If I was her, I’d hold up a sign that read “Prince Harry, Can I Suck Your Dick?” and then I’d slowly move up to the marriage proposal sign. Whatever happened to old-fashioned romance and courting?
Pics: AP, Splash
The Telegraph says that the fourth in line to the throne and Baby Prince George’s standby was supposed to be pulled out of Duchess Kate’s royal vagine last Thursday, but none of spent the day staring at the front door of the Lindo Wing (named after Auntie Lindo from Joy Luck Club, of course) for hours on end, so obviously that didn’t happen. The Telegraph’s source says that the newest baby prince or princess is four days late and I’m not surprised. Babies are rude. They’re like my cousins. They’re always late and when they do get around to showing up, they cry for a drank. On second thought, it’s wrong of me to compare babies to my cousins. Yes, babies are rude, but at least they show up with a dish (aka the placenta). My cousins just show up with empty Tupperware containers to take leftovers home.
Some unnamed person whose baby was born in the Lindo Wing at St. Mary’s Hospital tells The Telegraph that Duchess Kate’s doctors have probably already talked to her about inducing, because doctors normally don’t wait longer than a week. But an aide for Kensington Palace (aka The weekday receptionist who answered the phone. So Fergie, basically.) told UsWeekly that everyone needs to shut their mouths about DK’s due date because they don’t know shit about shit:
“We have never commented on or discussed a due date.”
DK said before that her “due date” is somewhere between mid-April and late-April, so those patriotic jewels of England in the picture above may have to camp out for a few more days.
If DK really wants the new royal baby to come out now, there’s a few things she can try. Doctors say that an effective, yet severely cruel, inducing method involves blasting a Nickelback song into the mother’s mouth. The sound will travel down into the womb and that baby will immediately bust out the nearest exit to get away from that musical torture. She can also get somebody to wave a picture of Prince Hot Ginge with a puppy in front of her royal vagine. The royal baby will immediately crawl toward it, because no human can resist a picture of PHG with a puppy. And lastly, if someone whispers the words, “Morrissey is having the best day ever,” next to Duchess Kate’s stomach, that baby will come out real quick, because nothing ruins Morrissey’s month like knowing that there’s another British royal amongst us and those British royals live to ruin Morrissey’s month.
And here’s the new royal baby’s uncle looking hot at the London Marathon yesterday.
While some of us spend our St. Patrick’s Day worshipping the green by smoking it in a bong (I guess that means EVERY day is St. Patrick’s Day for me), the British royals had to do actual work! Take that, hating whores (see: Morrissey) who always throw cold runny shit at the British royals for doing nothing but exfoliate their pristine royal skin with a paste made from the shredded bills they take from taxpayers. Duchess Kate is 8 months knocked up and she still showed up on time to the St. Patrick’s Day Parade at Mons Barracks today where she waved, smiled, waved, shook hands, pet a dog and smiled some more. The smiling part is really impressive, because I didn’t think a woman who is in the final stages of being knocked up was able to smile. Every chick I see who is seconds away from expelling a squatter from her body is usually gritting her teeth while making a level 10 “I am so over this shit” face. But not Duchess Kate. She is a professional!
While wearing shamrock bouquets that look like something a Chia Pet shat up (or like Mother Nature’s pube bush), Duchess Kate and Prince William visited with Irish guards and gave shamrocks to officers and guardsmen of the regiment. I have one very, very important question:
WHERE IN THE HELL IS PRINCE HOT GINGE?!
How can there be an official St. Patrick’s Day event in the UK without an almost naked and nearly unemployed Prince Hot Ginge twerking to Cock O’ The North while wearing a shamrock thong? That should be tradition! Eh, he’s probably busy snorting green vodka with the Alabama Leprechaun.