I see you, Duchess Meghan. Just one day after Duchess Meghan and Prince Hot Ginge nearly got sent to the gallows for committing an illegal royal act by partaking in some level 1 PDA at an event, she has done some damage control by giving a kid a few quid (she’s British now, she says “quid“) to distract all of us with some awww-ness by touching and pulling her luxurious princess hair. As I shake my head at this shameless move, Duchess Kate is probably seething her follicles, because she’s known as the Breck Girl of the royal family!
Most of them are staring up at the sky, because above them is a plane carrying a banner that reads: Sorry, Meghan, But Kate’s Dress Sold Out Before Yours. That explains why Duchess Kate is lighting up in the face like, “Check that, bitch, I’ve still got it!”
THE QUEEN wasn’t at her great-grandson Prince Louis’ hazing Christian ceremony yesterday, because well, she’s 92 years old and is tired of sleeping with her eyes open at yet another boring ass baptism. (Even the star of the show, Prince Louis, didn’t stay awake for that bore fest.) But THE QUEEN was back out there today at the 100th birthday celebrations of the Royal Air Force. THE QUEEN and the other ones (I cropped Princess Michael of Kunt out of that top pic because she’s Princess Michael of Kunt) took to the balcony of Buckingham Palace today to watch the RAF centenary, which she didn’t strain her royal neck to see, because she’ll watch it later on YouTube while getting drunk on sloe gin fizzes with her man.
Prince Louis’ eyes aren’t closed because he’s going mimi times. They’re closed because the hideous sight of Duchess Kate’s Jessica McClintock circa 1984 puffy sleeves and the mutilated doves on her head is hurting his poor innocent eyes.
11 weeks after Prince Louis left the royal vagine and entered a luxurious world where he never has to worry about late-fees, parallel parking or pissing in the kitchen sink because his roommate has been in the bathroom forever, he has been christened. Prince Louis was christening at the Chapel Royal in St. James’s Palace in London today. Prince Louis isn’t even 3 months old and I already like him, and only because it was his first day at work as a British royal and he slept on the job. The only shit he has to give is the one he caca’d into his silk poopin’ bloomers.
When the Royal Mail conveniently “lost” Duchess Meghan’s Father’s Day card to fame-whoring extraordinaire Thomas Markle, it was said he was gutted and feared being iced out by all those British snoots. Thomas is so gutted and devastated that he ran crying to the press to say how bad he feels about being punished. Don’t fuck with THE QUEEN, Thomas, or else she’ll punish you AND her whole damn family. Rather than meet with Thomas, QE2 has decided she’ll push him back a few decades on her calendar and instead take a meeting next month with, hoo boy, Donald Trump. What did the rest of the royals do to warrant such a punishment?! Continue reading
Duchess Meghan has been a royal for exactly one month now, and ever since then she’s made several debuts. She’s already made her official royal pantyhose-wearer debut, her SCANDAL creator debut, her Buckingham Palace balcony debut, and also her debut as THE QUEEN’s new favorite person alive. And today, Duchess Meghan, who wore Givenchy again, made her debut at Royal Ascot with some of the royals including Prince Hot Ginge. I wish PHG would’ve caught this ass, and yes in doing so, he would’ve caught crabs too, but hey, if you don’t need to use RID after, you didn’t have fun.
While Duchess Meghan barely escaped death via falling (that’s The Daily Mail talk for “she slipped a teeny tiny bit”) as she wore THE QUEEN’s old guest room bed sheets to the wedding of Princess Diana’s niece and one of the Weasleys yesterday, her dad Thomas Markle was refreshing his PayPal account to make sure that the “few thousand pounds” from Piers Morgan came through for his interview on Good Morning Britain today. Thomas Markle told TMZ last month that he regretted taking a check for staged paparazzi pics before the royal wedding, and today he really showed that he still regrets that decision and learned from it by getting paid to talk to the dried caca raisin clinging to humanity’s butt plug about Prince Hot Ginge and his daughter. So much for STFU-ing.…