The Crown people need to stop whatever they’re doing and immediately start shooting the current day royal years, because I really want to sit back with a cup of gin on the rocks (in honor of THE QUEEN) and get into the 100% factual scene where Meghan Markle (played by Duchess Meghan) and THE QUEEN (played by Imelda Staunton in older lady drag) tussle over a tiara as a Corgi bites at Meghan’s ankle and Prince Philip referees.
The New York Times of England known as The Sun says that THE QUEEN had to tell Prince Hot Ginge to check his ho (those are the exact words THE QUEEN used) when Meghan got mad about not being able to wear her first choice for a tiara on her wedding day. Who knew that Samantha Markle was the new editor-in-chief of The Sun? Congrats on getting an actual job, Sammy!
It’s not all shrimp on the Barbie and Kylie Minogue sing-offs during the Australian (and other places) royal tour of Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan (seen above cosplaying as Sarah Jessica Parker in Oscar de la Renta at the the Australian Geographic Society Gala Awards in Sydney). The two were on a chartered Qantas flight into Sydney earlier today, and they were basically at the runway when the pilot pulled a “JK, mates!” and had to abort the landing and go around for a do-over. No, it wasn’t because they saw Thomas Markle and decided to get the eff out of there. There was another plane, but Thomas might come into play when the expecting parents get back to London.
So, let’s recap. Duchess Meghan and Prince Hot Ginge just had to smother our faces with the fact that they’re having lots of raw dogging fun by announcing that an heir has moved into her womb (or “Official Heir-Producing Property of the Royal Family” as THE QUEEN calls it). And then during their Australian tour, they further smothered our faces with their love by getting into all sorts of public displays of affection that can easily be labeled as: Goddammit, get a room already, haven’t we been through enough?!!!! Us crazed HotGingeopaths bravely dealt their heart-stabbing antics, because we thought that maybe just maybe PHG would throw us a ginger bone. Kind of like how Prince William assumed the position during a photo-op. Although, Willy could’ve kept that.
So loins probably tingled when PHG and Duchess Meghan paid a visit to Bondi Beach in Sydney today. Everything I know about Bondi Beach I learned from the nipple-hardening pictures of Hugh Jackman running around all hot and shirtless with his hot (and shirtless) trainer. So I figured that it was a law that all hot pieces must be topless when on Bondi Beach. But I guess not, because PHG showed up dressed like Jerry from accounting at a conference in Honolulu. A sad moment for us desperate pathetic hos who were hoping to be blinded by his glorious ginger nipples and blinding #FFFFFF hex color code body.
Because Duchess Meghan just had to find another way to make us hard-up, desperate, pathetic Prince Hot Ginge-lovers seethe with jealousy by letting us know that she bareback bones him on the regular, she has announced today that she’s pregnant with the seventh in line to the British throne. But I may not be the only one whose chonies are twisted up in a knot of hate over this news. The bloomers of Princess Eugenie and The Original Fergie™ might be too, because the BBC says that Duchess Meghan and Prince Hot Ginge told THE QUEEN and other first tier royals the baby news on Friday at Eugenie’s wedding at Windsor Castle. No, I’m sure that Princess Eugenie and Fergie are just oh-so-happy with this news and will send 37-year-old Meghan and 34-year-old PHG a congratulations bouquet with a note saying that they should name their child Prince or Princess Attention Whore Of Sussex since the fetus stole poor Eugenie’s spotlight! I love it.
The Royal Family is just like us! Well, one is anyway. Some of us (cough) are so obsessed with the royals that we’ll still be getting up early on Friday to tune into a non-BBC channel for the T.J. Maxx Royal Wedding, er, the nuptials of Princess Eugenie and her cousin (distant cousin…but still) Jack Brooksbank. Duchess Camilla will be doing the same thing since her ass isn’t even going to the wedding! While I was hoping it was because she was petty and had the BBC’s rules of “Prince Charles offspring only” for worthy royal weddings, but I guess she has a busy day of shaking hands ahead of her.
Duchess Meghan’s mom, Doria Ragland, hasn’t moved to London yet. But a few days ago she flew over to her daughter’s new homeland, and if she thought she was going to spend her days there sipping gin and Morrissey tears with THE QUEEN (and guzzling down three after Prince Philip tottered on in and asked, “Who are you spongeing off, love?“), she thought wrong. Because today, Doria put her wavin’ hand and smilin’ mouth to work at the launch of the charity cookbook her daughter did with some of the survivors of the Grenfell Tower fire. Prince Hot Ginge also came along and won the title of Sexiest Third Wheel Ever.