Someone put a ring on Pippa Middleton’s hitchin’ finger, and thankfully, that someone was not Prince Hot Ginge. That means that the tabloids can go ahead and remove their “Pippa Middleton and Prince Hot Ginge Are Boning” stories from the file full of crap they pull out on a slow news week. Watch, The Sun will put out a cover story about how PHG spends his lonely nights caressing a bowl of cold porridge because he misses the bland touch of that British bland Pippa Middleton.
Pippa Middleton, best known for being Duchess Kate’s sister and owning the ass that took over the royal wedding in 2011, has gotten engaged to her rich British banker type piece of a year James Matthews. The Daily Mail says that this past weekend in the Lake District, 40-year-old James proposed to 32-year-old Pippa Middleton and of course, she said yes. Pippa and James confirmed their engagement news to the BBC and say that they’re going to get married next year. The Middleton family and Duchess Kate and Prince William also put out statements, and PHG would’ve put out a statement too but he was busy caressing a bowl of cold porridge while thinking about the bland that got away.
Because Pippa is a caring soul who wants to give the tabloids a perfect picture to use for her engagement news, she did the subtle “Oh, I’m just holding my purse and not-at-all flashing my giant diamond engagement ring” pose while leaving her apartment this morning:
James Matthews’ brother is alleged cokehead and reality shit show trick Spencer Matthews from Made in Chelsea. If the Middleton family lets Spencer Matthews go to Pippa and James’ fancy society wedding, they better tell THE QUEEN to leave her Corgis at home. Because I don’t want to read in The Mirror about how one of THE QUEEN’s Corgis overdosed while doing lines with Spencer in the bathroom during the reception. And I’m sure Kunty Karl has already offered to design Pippa’s dress and I’m sure his design is an ass-less white burka.
Here’s pictures from Pippa’s showing of the engagement ring ceremony, as well as pictures of her at a charity event yesterday.
Waiting for your HIV test results can be as nerve-frazzling as trying to pay for groceries with a credit card you know is on the edge of being maxed all the way out. For some reason, it feels like every time I’ve had an HIV test, it’s taken damn forever for me to get the results back. I wait and wait and wait and eventually my brain fills with stupid, crazy thoughts. I end up Googling dumb shit like, “If your HIV test is positive, does it take longer for your doctor to tell you the results?” That question usually leads me to a WebMD page that reads, “If you haven’t gotten your HIV test results after 10 days, you probably have cancer.”
So because getting tested makes some people bite their finger skin off, Prince Hot Ginge decided to get an HIV test on Facebook live to try to remove the stigma and show people how easy it is. The Royal Family Facebook page put up this note:
HIV rates in the UK continue to rise despite years of progress in treating the illness and one of the biggest factors has been that up to 17% of HIV positive patients are unaware of their status and unintentionally pass on the virus to partners.
Prince Harry believes until everyone feels relaxed about taking HIV tests – whether from high risk groups or not – then tackling the stigma and fear surrounding HIV testing will continue to allow the virus to win.
Because of PHG’s involvement in HIV causes, many are bringing up how his mother Princess Diana shook the hands and hugged people with HIV and AIDS in early 90s.
Here’s the video of PHG talking about how he’s nervous about getting his blue blood tested before getting pricked. Thanks to rapid testing, he gets his results a quick second later. (SPOILER ALERT: He’s negative.)
PHG always looks like a ginger pillar of hotness, but he really looks like one while do-gooding. The next time I get tested, I’m going to tell my doctor to do it with one of those rapid tests, because it’ll save his receptionist from listening to me scream like a crazy trick for my results every 10 minutes.
Oh, it’s the old “beej and finger the piece standing above you” move. And yes, I can drag almost any picture of Prince Hot Ginge into the gutter with me.
This year, my mom had a milestone birthday, and to answer that question in your head, no, I’m not going to tell you which milestone birthday. I do want to see my next birthday. But anyway, to celebrate her birthday, we’re going on a big messy family trip to Paris and Barcelona, and no, I don’t mean Lake Perris, CA and Barcelona, Arkansas. I mean the actual Paris in France and Barcelona in Spain.
So because I’ll be spending a grand total of 20+ hours contorted like a pretzel on a plane and many more hours trying to say, “Why, hello there, officer, can you please tell me where I can purchase some weed?“, in French, I’ll be away from Dlisted. Allison will be here and Martin is going to help her out. J. Harvey is filling in on the weekends. I plan to still post daily, because Hot Slut of the Day and breaking PHG news stops for nothing! The CAPTION THIS Contest is also taking some time off. I will be back on Monday, July 11th.
And now, I leave you with this video of PHG dancing like Tom Hiddleston’s dance coach (Tom Hiddleston wishes) to dad rock masters Coldplay at a benefit concert for his charity Sentebale (which helps children in Lesotho) at Kensington Palace last night:
And here’s pictures of PHG with Prince Seeiso of Lesotho, Coldplay, and his “second daddy” and one of my favorite hot ginger daddies Mark Dyer.
Prince Hot Ginge once allegedly told a gay dude that he’d give him a call if he “changes his mind about women,” and I remember that quote as though I just read it 2 minutes ago, because I did just read it 2 minutes ago. It’s tattooed over my right nipple so I read it while giving myself a quickie whore bath in the sink this morning. So PHG would obviously be my first choice for the first British royal to grace the cover of a gay magazine. THE QUEEN in Dame Edna drag would be my second choice. Prince William would probably be my 5th choice after the fallen Duchess Fergie in a rainbow flag and all of THE QUEEN’s Corgis, but I’ll gladly take it.
Today is the 95th birthday of Prince Philip, the British royal family’s messiest old coot, so everyone in England should be celebrating his special day by airing out their huevos or chochas in a kilt while offending people and cursing tricks out. But that’s not happening, because everyone is too busy celebrating the anniversary of THE QUEEN’s born day again. Prince Hot Ginge’s abuelita turned 90 in April, but when you come out of a royal cooch with a tiara on your head, you get two birthday celebrations.
This picture of Prince Hot Ginge and Ellie Goulding was taken all the way in 2014, but I can completely tell that she’s thinking to herself, “YES! The tabloids can use this picture of us when my publicist eventually leaks a fake story about how I’m getting with Harry.” Looking like a damn house painter in that outfit. Bitch, go paint a house and let PHG be!
The Sun EXCLUSIVELY reported yesterday that PHG is trying to woo English pop singer Ellie Goulding and that the two have been flirting through text messages the past few weeks. They’ve been friends for a while and got close when Ellie was the wedding singer at Duchess Kate and Prince William’s royal nuptials. And at the Audi Polo Challenge last month, Ellie and PHG supposedly got caught by an onlooker kissing under a blanket. Presenting this work of fiction:
“It turned into a real party late into the night and there was a complete ban on taking pictures so Harry and the other celebrities there could feel comfortable. Harry was really going for it after the polo – he was drinking and dancing. They were part of a wider group including Tom Hardy. But Harry and Ellie only had eyes for each other all night – they spent a lot of time sitting together under blankets. They were seen having a kiss before Harry had to go because he was playing polo the next day. Ellie left about five minutes later.
Harry was overheard on the way out telling some friends how much he liked her. But there’s already a lot of talk amongst friends that the palace wouldn’t allow her as a serious girlfriend because of her celebrity background.”
Let me guess… The blanket was made out of unicorn fur, PHG gave Ellie a promise ring made out of fairy hair and they left together in an invisible carriage pulled by Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and a baby T-Rex in a tutu. But really, who hasn’t been caught by an “onlooker” humping on PHG under a blanket? I know I have, only the “onlooker” turned out to be my dog and I wasn’t humping on PHG under a blanket. I was just crying about my loneliness under a duvet.
And here’s PHG practicing his fisting skills at the Double Jab Boxing Club in London two days ago:
Pics: Getty, Splash
At the Invictus Games in Orlando, FL a couple of weeks ago, a competitor from the UK pulled up his shirt to show Prince Hot Ginge his chest tattoo, and the ginger jewel of the British royal family used that opportunity to get into some quickie nip play. But the dude who was on the right end of that nipple tweaking had a really weird and unnatural response to it. I mean, he quickly pulled down his shirt and went OMG with his face. The natural reaction would be to pick up your prostate off of the floor (because obviously it’d fall out of you as soon as PHG touched your tit knob), and as you stuff it back into your ass, you run off to get a protective plastic box made for the nip that was touched by PHG.
First, PHG group hugs a bunch of hot, wet, shirtless swimmers and now this. I wish the Invictus Games lasted for months, because if it did, PHG may have given me enough material to put together a homoerotic soft-core porn. And I’m going to end this post now, because it’s really hard to type with one hand. No, I’m not doing that. What do you take me for? I’m a professional! I’m using the other hand to make my Prince Hot Ginge Real Doll pinch my nip so I can sort of know what it feels like. God!
(Thanks to everyone who sent this to me!)
Today was day 3 of the Invictus Games in Orlando, FL and after the swimming relay team from Britain won the gold medal, they all gathered around and got Prince Hot Ginge wet. I’m going to keep from commenting on that picture, because Dlisted is already blocked in a lot of places for being HIGHLY inappropriate, and if I describe that pic, this mess of a site will definitely be labeled as 100% porn. So I’ll just leave that beautiful picture here. But I will say that you should be grateful that it’s a digital picture and that I didn’t give you a hard copy. Because if it was a hard copy, you’d definitely have to clean it with antibacterial Windex. You know, you should go ahead and spray your screen with antibacterial Windex anyway. Just in case.
Pics: AP, Splash, Getty
On any given Saturday night, you’d usually find me passed out on a pile of fun size 3 Musketeers wrappers with a dried stream of red wine drool clinging to my face. But this past Saturday night, you’d find me smoking a cigarette in bed in between wiping the sweat off of my forehead with a cold wet towel after having some Photoshop fun with that picture of Prince Hot Ginge busting out a happy O face while grasping onto a bottle. Yes, that’s the most action I’ve had in years.
Yesterday the TSA sent me a letter saying that I was put on the Do Not Fly To Florida list, and that could only mean one thing: The Invictus Games begin next week in Orlando, FL and Prince Hot Ginge will be there!
The Invictus Games were started by PHG, and they’re a Paralympic-style sporting event involving a bunch of countries. Since it’s happening in the US this year, Michelle Obama has been helping to promote it, and this morning, she tweeted a video of message and her and President Obama pretty much puffing their chests up at PHG. (Michelle Obama also showed off her impeccable teleprompter-reading skills in that video.) PHG answered back with help from THE QUEEN! THE QUEEN spit out a verbal eye roll at the Obamas’ threat and that was PHG’s cue to drop the mic. I’m jealous of the Obamas, because I wish PHG would drop his mic on me, and yes, that’s a euphemism.
— Kensington Palace (@KensingtonRoyal) April 29, 2016
I bet that clip was highly edited. I bet that in the raw footage, THE QUEEN takes off her earrings, kicks off her shoes and goes after the phone while swinging her pocketbook as PHG and her Corgis try to hold her back. Don’t come for THE QUEEN unless she sends for you!
And here’s PHG making chonies go BOOM while working a tuxedo at the BT Sports Industry Awards in London last night.