Last month, FOX announced that they had rebooted Joe Millionaire, sort of, and replaced a neanderthal construction worker pretending to be a millionaire with a Prince Hot Ginge look-alike who looks more like a Flat Stanley look-alike. FOX found 12 not-knowing dumbasses and stuck them on a fancy estate in England to compete for a chance to marry into the British royal family. FOX probably broke the budget on this one, because it cost a lot of cash to hire bathroom lifeguards and paramedics to save these dumb fucks from almost drowning in the shower.
FOX released the first trailer for I Wanna Marry “Harry“ today and I figured that they’d show at least one trick who realized this was all a hoax and went with it, because she likes free drinks and camera time. Blame it on editing, but this trailer makes it look like they all believed they were there to win a chance to jump on PHG’s ginger scepter. I’m surprised that every other word out of these girls’ mouths isn’t “chickabee,” because if they can’t tell that’s a PHG look-alike, they obviously spent most of their lives eating wet leaves in a cabin in the middle of nowhere.
I know piss-brained fame whores are everywhere (MTV wouldn’t exist today without them), but these have to be actresses and the joke has to be on us. But then again if you boozed me up and screamed, “There’s Prince Hot Ginge,” while pointing at a red fern in a terra cotta pot, that red fern in a terra cotta pot would magically disappear three seconds later. I’d never tell you where it went, but the sight of me with no pants on and the red fern leaves blowing out of my ass when I farted would give you a clue. Where the red fern blows.
via E! Online
Pieces of ovaries are scattered all over the streets of London today, because Prince Hot Ginge played with a bunch of school children at the newly renovated Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park. Chirrun screaming and screeching while playing in a park is a nightmare come to life to me, but throw in a giggling PHG in a suit and suddenly it’s a wonderful dream that made ovaries I didn’t know I had explode. In 80 years when all of those children are on their death beds, they will reflect on their lives and say that the best moment was when they made PHG do an ugly giggle while pushing him on a swing in the park. PHG gave them that, but I hope he also shared his wisdom with them by teaching them how to snort vodka like a pro.
In other PHG news, The Daily Mail says that the Earth may soon have tiny royal gingerlings running around it, because he’s really close to proposing to his piece Cressida Bonas and he can’t wait to get married and have kids. A source close to Cressida’s family (read: her fucking scrunchie) said that the family has been having meetings to talk about the engagement:
“There is a family gathering to discuss an engagement. The announcement will be sooner than many people think. Harry and Cressida will be married. It is all going ahead. It is just a matter of time. Cressie is going to marry Harry. Harry never stops talking about marriage and children, and she’s now got used to the idea. The wedding is likely to take place next year.”
This feels like that Kate Middleton shit all over again. Kate Middleton’s family kept leaking stories to the tabloids about how Prince William was going to put a ring on it at any minute. That mess dragged on forever. I hope PHG doesn’t drag this mess out and either dumps Toyota Cressida for my drunk naranja angel Chelsy Davy or marries her ass.
We’ll be hit with engagement rumor after engagement rumor until PHG puts a ring on Cressida’s finger because he’s sick of THE QUEEN popping her head into his room while they’re boning to make sure the rubber is on tight. THE QUEEN doesn’t want little bastards ruining the pristine royal image of her family. Too late, QUEEN, because I’m sure a lot of us are already pregnant with a litter of royal gingers after looking at these pictures. I did feel a kick, but that could be from the raw hot dogs I ate for lunch.
As part of their never-ending campaign to make the peasants think that they’re just like them, Duchess Kate and Prince William released this picture of them looking like a wholesome, normal, everyday family who’s just hanging out in their everyday, normal house. Except their everyday, normal house is a damn palace, two of the people in this picture are future Head Moochers of England and it took 4 ladies-in-waiting 5 hours to get Duchess Kate Breck Girl beautiful by brushing her hair with silver combs and it took 4 men 3 hours to perfectly polish Prince William’s bald spot and creeping hairline. The Windsor genes have gone into overdrive on Prince William’s face, because his physical transformation into his daddy is over halfway complete.
But the real stars of this picture, which was taken by Jason Bell, are Baby Prince George and Lupo the dog. Lupo has a look of fear in his eye like he knows that he’s sitting before the future King of England who can have him sent to the gallows for shitting on the rug or pissing on that sharp as fuck christening gown. Lupo looks like someone’s giving him a surprise prostate exam. Wait, wait, where is Prince William’s other hand?!
This portrait is pretty basic and looks like some shit you’d see in a frame at CVS, but it could’ve easily been taken to fiery levels of YES with just one simple photo bomb:
Now THAT is a royal portrait.
Here’s PHG, Duchess Kate and Prince William wearing some boring ass royal clothes while going to the wedding one of their fancy friends today in Chippenham, England.
It’s been 11 years since Fox aired the trash extravaganza Joe Millionaire and I guess Fox felt like it was time to trick a whole new set of hos into thinking they’re on a dating show to compete to marry a rich hot piece. But this new show really separates the gold diggers from the gold digging dumb fucks, because instead of competing for the love of a poor dude pretending to be a millionaire, 12 American chicks will compete for the love of a dude they think is Prince Hot Ginge. Fox might as well title this mess: The Search For The Dumbest American.
Deadline says that the sneaky gnome of Hollywood, Ryan Seacrest, produced the reality show called “I Want To Marry ‘Harry’” and they shot it in secret last year in England. Twelve American women were moved into a big estate in Britain and tricked into thinking they were competing to be the next princess of England. But instead of going out on dates with the real Prince Hot Ginge, they went out with regular English dude Matthew Hicks who was given a PHG makeover. Below is the Dollar Tree PHG and a freckle on Rojo Caliente’s tit looks more like the real Prince Hot Ginge than this dude does. (Yes, I still would, but only if he’d take his PHG impersonation all the way by using vodka as lube.)
My friend’s sister-in-law makes $75/hour on the computer and she’d like the email addresses of all 12 of the gullible butt bubbles who believed that THE QUEEN would actually let Prince Hot Ginge star in a peasant reality show produced by a peasant producer for a peasant network in America. Either Fox found 12 humans who can function without a working brain (which is not that hard since E! and Bravo have found a few) or Fox found a bunch of fame whores who knew what’s up, but didn’t care as long as the cameras were on them. This mess of a show starts in May, it’s going to be a wreck and I can’t wait.
And I’m laughing at these dumbasses, but if a Nigerian prince e-mailed me from a random Hotmail address to tell me that he needs money to send me a bed sheet that Prince Hot Ginge slept on when he spent the night on the 13th floor of his palace in Nigeria, I’d ask that prince if he takes PayPal or does he want my checking account/routing number? I’d want to believe.
That bro throwing a “Wassup?” face is really what makes this picture a portrait of true royal romance.
Cressida Boners (which is also a condition Toyota fanboys suffer from when they go to the Detroit Auto Show) and Prince Hot Ginge made their first public appearance together at the inaugural WE Day UK at Wembley Arena in London today, and she took advantage of their time in public to kiss his cheek in front of the photographers. Cressida Boners has been at the forefront of the highly important Bring Back The Scrunchie Movement, so I want to like her, but she’s making it really hard. I just can’t trust a trick who doesn’t immediately give birth to four oceans of panty pudding when her lips touch any part of PHG. I’ve been refreshing the BBC’s site all morning and I don’t see any reports of panty pudding flooding at Wembley Arena, so it seems like Cressida didn’t have a natural reaction to cheek kissing PHG. When a chick kisses PHG, her coochie should be barfing like a Lard-Ass at a pie-eating contest. That is a normal reaction! The hell is wrong with her? She’s either a robot made of metal parts or she’s wearing a 10-gallon Diva Cup to make sure her panty pudding doesn’t squirt everywhere.
Cressida and PHG making their FIRST PUBLIC APPEARANCE AS A COUPLE!!! means that my hope of seeing permanently hungover mess Chelsy Davy as a British princess is probably not going to happen. Cressida Boners doesn’t have that gorgeous “just woke up in a puddle of her drunk barf on the floor of a pub bathroom” look that Chelsy does, but PHG could do worse. At least he’s not dating that orange Styrofoam peanut Pippa Middleton.
And no, that picture does not make me want to sharpen my shake. I’m not jealous of that tramp at all! If you replaced Cressida with me, PHG with my Ashton Drake Prince Harry Doll and all those people with the wrappers of the Snickers I eat to drown my feelings, you’d have my Saturday night.
THE QUEEN has won again! Because THE QUEEN remains the head bitch of the royal family and when she tells you that the ginger muff on your face offends her retinas and if you don’t take a razor to it she’ll cut your vodka allowance in half, Prince Hot Ginge shaved off his glorious beard. An Instagrammer took this crystal clear HD picture of PHG and his security guards at a juice bar. The picture is so blurry that it could be Rojo Caliente playing Mahjong in a White Castle for all we know, but I don’t see a floating halo or angel wings, so it’s probably PHG. And now if you’ll excuse me I have to check eBay to see if PHG had his shaved-off beard hairs braided into a thong that he’s auctioning off for charity.
If that polar vortex (which sounds like a fancy name for one of Nicole Kidman’s queefs) has put a thick layer of ice on your b-hole, then take those chonies off and warm it on Prince Hot Ginge’s fire beard while you still can. Because The Express (via Jezebel) has heard from “royal sources” (aka that gossiping, shady whore Camilla) that THE QUEEN hates the fiery field of ginger hairs all over Prince Hot Ginge’s face and has ordered him to take a razor to it. The Queen thinks beards look scruffy and she doesn’t let any member of her palace staff grow one. The Queen has even been known to pull tweezers out of her pocket book and pluck the thick stache hairs above Camilla’s mouth during dinner. No face hair for THE QUEEN! PHG knows that his memaw wants the beard gone, but he’s waiting to show it to his piece Cressida Boners before he gets rid of it. (Translation: PHG wants his piece to brush her coochie lips with his beard before he gets rid of it.) The royal source said this:
“The rest of the family liked it and were taking the mickey, especially his cousin Zara who dubbed him ‘Prince Hairy.’ But the Queen soon let her displeasure be known. She doesn’t mind royal men growing beards when they are away in the Armed Forces or out in the wilds like Harry was in the Antarctic, but she expects them to be clean-shaven when they get home. Royal staff are not supposed to grow beards or moustaches and she probably thinks it is difficult to enforce that rule when her own grandson has a beard. Harry doesn’t like to upset the Queen and will probably shave it off soon but he is still a bit of a rebel and he wasn’t going to remove it straight away. He wanted to show it off to Cressida first and see what she thought of it.”
With that beard, PHG sort of looks like a failed pro baseball player turned shady bail bondsman who turned to the bottle after his second marriage ended and regularly gets kicked out of bars for pissing on the floor and making out with the jukebox. What I’m saying is that the beard is hot, but now that I know that THE QUEEN hates it, it’s even hotter. Defy THE QUEEN with that beard, PHG!
And I am only okay with PHG shaving his beard off if he sells the hair on eBay. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to sell everything I have to buy his shaved-off beard hair and I have to do a little research on how to make anal beads out of shaved-off beard hair.
And if you don’t celebrate Christmas, then Prince Hot Ginge’s piping hot beard would like to wish you a Merry Wednesday!
But if you do celebrate the day we all get each other gift cards to Bed, Bath and Beyond, because we just CAN’T with shopping, then you might be drunk from guzzling down gallons of sweet nectar and processed sugar to deal with spending a full day indoors with your family. Grab another bottle, sit back and roast your chestnuts on the open fire growing on Prince Hot Ginge’s beautiful face. That ginger neck beard could give Lucifer the sweats.
PHG, Prince William, Duchess Kate, Prince Charles, Princess Beatrice, Duchess Cumilla, some other royal whores and THE QUEEN all took their asses to The Church of St Mary Magdalene for Christmas Day service today. Little Prince George didn’t come, because Prince Philip was there, so they already had a baldie who’d fall asleep, cry out of boredom, slobber and fart. They didn’t need two.
And seeing Prince William touch Prince Hot Ginge’s glorious, luscious hairy beard of fire makes me think to myself, “Prince William’s finger: I’d hit it until his nail popped off.”
Pics: AP, Splash
I interrupt this International Merry Beymas Day to bring you news that is much more relevant and important (cut to the lightning bold headed toward me for hating on King Beysus again): PRINCE HOT GINGE IS ALIVE AND MADE IT THE SOUTH POLE! (Insert obligatory line about how I wish he would’ve traveled to my South Hole instead…)
After four long weeks of trekking his ass through Antarctica and knocking penguins up by winking at them and adding to global warming by melting the ice caps with his hotness, PHG and his team of wounded ex-servicemen and women made it the South Pole. PHG was racing to the South Pole against teams led by ASkars and Dominic Cooper, but that race was called off, because the weather was a real bitch. So the new goal was to just get to the finish line. PHG wrote this on the Walking with the Wounded site before they got to the finish line:
All 12 of [my teammates] have different reasons for being here and I don’t think it’s necessarily something that for all of them that it will, either tonight or tomorrow or when they get back home, but what an amazing journey for every single one of them and this charity really does do amazing things. It’s not just for the small minority that are here but hopefully in time to come through the documentary, and all the stories back home. It will just prove to everybody that there’s so much that can be made possible when you think that nothing is left.
But I’m so proud, I’m so chuffed and I’m so privileged to be here with all these guys and girls, and well done to Ed and Dags and everyone who’s organised this, what an amazing accomplishment. I think we’ll be having a few whiskies tonight and then everyone’s looking forward to getting home.
I was about to say that after spending some time with that picture of PHG and his ginger beard, I am chuffed too, but then I looked it up the word and it doesn’t mean what I think it means.
Here’s a video of PHG and his team making it to the end.
Once they got to the end and found that gazing ball waiting for them, they probably thought to themselves that even in the goddamn South Pole they can’t escape the artistry of CaCa and Koons.
While Prince George laid around his palace in his sharp-as-fuck christening gown (Note: When life gives you a stunning and luxurious christening gown like that, you never take it off until your growing limbs bust the seams), his mom and dad waved, smiled, waved, smiled, waved, smiled and waved some more at their day job in London this morning. Duchess Kate and Prince William took a bus ride with servicemen and women for London Poppy Day, which is the day that all Brits celebrate Poppy Pomfrey. No, London Poppy Day is a day when volunteers at tube and railway stations try to raise £1 million in one day for Poppy Appeal, a charity that helps military families. And just because I want to type the word “poppy” one more time: POPPY.
Hair dye and brown hair mascara sales dropped to record lows today when everybody saw Duchess Kate’s grey roots on her 1975 Kate Jackson hair. The top of Duchess Kate’s head was almost as shiny as the top of Prince William’s bald globe. The Daily Mail raised a magnifying glass from their Detective La Toya starter kit and got to the bottom of this! They brought up these highly important points:
Grey hair not directly associated with pregnancy
Many women find hair feels and looks thinner after having a baby
Some mothers avoid dyeing hair while pregnant or breastfeeding
Or maybe she’s just had grey hair for a while and we’ve never seen it because she’s always got a hat that looks like a stuffed pancake on her head. But really, I’m sure that’s not grey hair. Since Duchess Kate is a royal now, liquid diamonds flow through her insides and sometimes they overflow and seep out of her skull. Whatever the case may be, silver Sharpies and Wite-Out are already sold out, because EVERYONE wants silvery grey roots now. Silvery grey roots are so now.
Here’s more of Duchess Kate and Prince William riding the bus today. I also threw in some pictures of my favorite Poppy Chulo honoring fallen soldiers at the Field of Remembrance in London today: