If you change that sign to read, “Fuck This Shit,” that would be an actual picture of me after aging several decades from staying up all night to watch Prince Hot Ginge marry HER!
Meghan Markle’s wedding aisle escort, her dad Thomas Markle, is currently laid up in the hospital getting his heart operated on, so he can’t walk her down the aisle. (Although, with the way he’s been pulling in-and-out of that wedding, I wouldn’t be surprised if he makes it to London early Saturday morning and Meghan ends up pushing him down the aisle in his hospital bed while wearing her wedding dress.) But the circus must go on. Kensington Palace announced today who will be in PHG and Meghan’s bridal party. Meghan is not making the same mistake Duchess Kate is, which is to put adult women in her bridal party because then one of their asses may upstage her (see: Pippa’s ass). Instead, their bridal party is full of human slobber bags who Prince Philip will definitely blame his mid-wedding farts on.
SPOILER ALERT: And the new royal baby looks like… wait for it… wait for it… a baby. Although, the newborn prince looks more peaceful to me than a regular baby, and that’s probably because I know that he’ll never experience the stress that is looking at a credit card bill when the minimum amount due is $39.50 and he’s got $12 in his bank account.
Kensington Palace tweeted out the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s annual Christmas card picture earlier today. I always assumed British Christmas was the same kind we’ve got here across the pond. But based on this picture, I’d think Christmas in the UK is the day your family poses like mannequins in matchy-matchy ensembles for a high-end department store called Christopher Thomas. A store in which all the clothes come in tastefully muted pastels, and the numbers on the price tags have been replaced with the words, “Oh dear, if you have to ask how much it is…”
In April 2018, the fifth in line to the British throne will make their way out of Duchess Kate’s womb royale, and you better not say shit when you watch her stumbling out of that goddamn Lindo Wing door while awkwardly holding a giant old skinny fat gay in Mary Janes, oversized baby bloomers and a lace bonnet. Don’t tell the bobbies that I paid off a Lindo Wing nurse to switch me and “The Michelle” of the royal children (Prince George is obviously The Beyonce). It might be my last chance to call Prince Hot Ginge “uncle” in person!
Depending on where you live, a lot of kids started school this week. You know who else started school this week? A certain fancy Royal kid named Prince George! That’s right, side-eye baby is in big kid school now. Ah, how time flies.
Kensington Palace tweeted out a picture of His Royal Recess’ness with Prince William before he strolled into Thomas’s Battersea, a place that sounds like an upscale fish n’ chips place but is actually a private school. Look at him in his little sweater and loafers, with his hand casually tucked into his little pocket. I know he’s only four, but he totally looks like the fun boss of a law firm on a casual Friday. I feel like at any minute he’s going to ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working.
Back in July during a Royal visit to Poland, Duchess Kate cracked a joke after receiving a sleep toy for an infant that she and Prince William would just have to put the toy to use by having more babies. Well, look who took that joke seriously? Prince William must have dimmed the 16th Century chandeliers, lit a currant scone-scented candle (England’s most sensual candle choice), put on some dancing music, and romanced Duchess Kate into her third baby-making night. That’s totally how it went down, right?