When fifth-in-line to the crown Prince Louis arrived to St. James’s Palace for his Christening last week, his grand entrance wasn’t so grand. I was expecting some razzle-dazzle, like a Kensington Palace-branded t-shirt gun fired by Unky Harry. But all we got was Duchess Kate carrying a bundle of curtains with a sleeping Prince Louis inside, then later, a partially-awake Prince Louis. Obviously Prince Louis was saving the charm for the official portraits released after the show.
Most of them are staring up at the sky, because above them is a plane carrying a banner that reads: Sorry, Meghan, But Kate’s Dress Sold Out Before Yours. That explains why Duchess Kate is lighting up in the face like, “Check that, bitch, I’ve still got it!”
THE QUEEN wasn’t at her great-grandson Prince Louis’ hazing Christian ceremony yesterday, because well, she’s 92 years old and is tired of sleeping with her eyes open at yet another boring ass baptism. (Even the star of the show, Prince Louis, didn’t stay awake for that bore fest.) But THE QUEEN was back out there today at the 100th birthday celebrations of the Royal Air Force. THE QUEEN and the other ones (I cropped Princess Michael of Kunt out of that top pic because she’s Princess Michael of Kunt) took to the balcony of Buckingham Palace today to watch the RAF centenary, which she didn’t strain her royal neck to see, because she’ll watch it later on YouTube while getting drunk on sloe gin fizzes with her man.
Prince Louis’ eyes aren’t closed because he’s going mimi times. They’re closed because the hideous sight of Duchess Kate’s Jessica McClintock circa 1984 puffy sleeves and the mutilated doves on her head is hurting his poor innocent eyes.
11 weeks after Prince Louis left the royal vagine and entered a luxurious world where he never has to worry about late-fees, parallel parking or pissing in the kitchen sink because his roommate has been in the bathroom forever, he has been christened. Prince Louis was christening at the Chapel Royal in St. James’s Palace in London today. Prince Louis isn’t even 3 months old and I already like him, and only because it was his first day at work as a British royal and he slept on the job. The only shit he has to give is the one he caca’d into his silk poopin’ bloomers.
Duchess Meghan has been a royal for exactly one month now, and ever since then she’s made several debuts. She’s already made her official royal pantyhose-wearer debut, her SCANDAL creator debut, her Buckingham Palace balcony debut, and also her debut as THE QUEEN’s new favorite person alive. And today, Duchess Meghan, who wore Givenchy again, made her debut at Royal Ascot with some of the royals including Prince Hot Ginge. I wish PHG would’ve caught this ass, and yes in doing so, he would’ve caught crabs too, but hey, if you don’t need to use RID after, you didn’t have fun.
Duchess Meghan and Prince Hot Ginge got married three days ago, and so they should be fucking their sand-covered genitals off in a Sandals Resort room as THE QUEEN examines their mating skills with a magnifying glass to make sure the banger is going in the mash all the way. (Again, they still do that tradition, right?) But it’s hard out there for a British royal, because they had to go back to work today.
Meghan Markle met Prince Charles about 90 seconds ago (okay, eight months ago, if you picky bitches really want to get technical), but yet I guess she felt close enough to him to ask him to escort her to Prince Hot Ginge (read: she shrugged like, “okay“, when the royal family told her he was going to walk her ass down the aisle). And you know Prince Charles is going to stop halfway through in front of Prince Philip and do that “pull my finger” move. Those geezers can’t help it.
When Thomas Markle found a surefire way to get out of a wedding (tip: if you want to get out of going to a boring wedding, get heart surgery), the royal family and whoever the British royal version of Jennifer Lopez in The Wedding Planner is had to figure out who’s going to walk Meghan down the aisle. The obvious choice was her mom Doria Ragland, because they’re close and it’d be a MODERN start to this MODERN wedding. (“Bitch, please!” – said Queen Victoria who walked two of her daughters down the aisle.) And some thought that Meghan may make a statement by walking herself down the aisle. Kensington Palace announced today that her future father-in-law and Lady Elaine Fairchild’s long-lost twin brother, Prince Charles, will do the job.