Everyone better put their pocketbooks in a prayer circle because a treasonous cold is still messing with THE QUEEN (exact medical term for THE QUEEN’s cold: acute viral morrisseyngitis) and she had to sit out of Christmas Day church service for the first time in decades.
So because his 90-year-old great-grandmum wasn’t there to make fun of Duchess Camilla’s tragic hat and ensemble with him, Prince George was probably extra bored. Proof of Prince George’s boredom: that picture above of him having to entertain himself with the candy of the peasants as everyone around him nervously tries to figure out ways to amuse him before he sends them all to the gallows!
The British royal family all got into their best Christmastime Downton Abbey cosplay today to do their annual pap walk into and out of St. Mark’s Church in Englefield, Berkshire. The Middletons, including Pippa and her banker betrothed, were also there. Prince Hot Ginge disappointed me today, because he did not bring his girlfriend Meghan Markle, who I was hoping would show Duchess Kate up by wearing an amazingly elegant body bow, and he also didn’t put that ginger beard to good use by dressing up as Kris Kringle.
But well, at least we have Prince George throwing “your future king is not amused’ eyes while working a sharp-as-shit A-line coat, knee socks and little loafers.
Happy Whatever Your Ass Celebrates, everyone! May you spend your holiday sucking on a candy cane while judging everyone around you!
Behold, The British Royals Giving You “Suburban Middle-Class American Family” In Their Christmas Card
If I was a royal, my Christmas card would be me laid out on my throne with my most opulent crown on my head and an “Eat Me, Morrissey” t-shirt on my body, and my butler would be right next to me pouring a stream of taxpayers’ tears into a solid gold goblet. What’s the point of being a rich royal if you’re not going to show out? But Duchess Kate and Prince William want to come off as a ~real~ and ~normal~ family, so for their Christmas card, they rented out a suburban family’s backyard and posed like they were in a Sears Portrait Studio.
This may seem like a regular, boring picture, but there’s a lot going on here. Prince George is working the seams off of those socks and his signature Mary Janes. Not since Cher from Clueless has someone truly owned the socks and Mary Janes look. Duchess Kate is still trying to make the best of those struggle bangs and is saying to herself, “pose like you’re in a Wella Balsam shampoo ad,” over and over again. Prince William looks like he’s trying to squeeze out a royal turd while staring at his son and smiling through the pain of knowing that he will never have a mop like that again.
And speaking of taking a royal turd, Princess Charlotte totally is:
Princess Charlotte is definitely blehehehe-ing on the inside, because she knows her ladies-in-waiting are going to have to work overtime scrubbing royal turds out of her satin bloomers.
Duchess Camilla and her forever tampon of choice also released a picture of their Christmas card to their subjects:
Yeah, I don’t even know why the British royal family bothers releasing these Christmas pictures, because the only one we care about is the one of Prince Hot Ginge wearing a Rudolph cock sock.
At 5:30pm British time today, Morrissey will quietly go into his closet, put on a paper crown, turn off the light and softly play “God Save The Queen” on a kazoo before squeeing with joy. (You know he’s a closet royal lovah.) Because at that time, THE QUEEN will become the longest-reigning monarch in UK history. As the tricks on Twitter say, when will your fave be born into monarchy, become queen and live long enough to break records without even trying?!
Over the weekend, the British royals were hit with an ESCANDALOSO video and surprisingly, it wasn’t a video of Prince Philip choking out a basket of kittens for looking at him wrong. The Sun released an old, grainy video of a 7-year-old Queen Elizabeth (who was Princess Elizabeth back then) doing the Nazi salute with her known Nazi sympathizer uncle Edward, her sister Princess Margaret and their mom. The clip came from the royal family’s personal archives. Buckingham Palace said at the time that they are considering suing whores and will investigate this “invasion of privacy.” Well, the Daily Telegraph says that there’s a chance the leak came from INSIDE THE PALACE!
And no, I’m not talking about Prince Hot Ginge for once. I’m talking about THE QUEEN’S purse!
Here’s the official pictures from Prince George’s royal christening taken by world-renowned photographer Olan Mills and in every picture THE QUEEN’S in, so is her most trusted friend in the world: her pocketbook. Do you really think THE QUEEN is going to leave her purse on a table somewhere out of her eyesight? If you think she should’ve been separated from her purse for these pictures, then you don’t know the royal family. They are a bunch of thieving, shifty bitches who would steal a queef out of a snatch if they needed one. If THE QUEEN left her purse out for one second, Prince Hot Ginge would go through it and steal her little bottles of malt liquor. If she left her purse out for two seconds, Prince Charles would steal her poppers. If she left her purse out for three seconds, Camilla would steal her bag of sugar cubes (which she throws in Camilla’s mouth whenever she feels that trick is talking too much). So THE QUEEN always keeps her purse close to her. The first rule of Abuelita Club is NEVER be more than 1 foot away from your purse, because your family members are sneaky whores and they will steal from you the same way the royal family steals from their subjects. Keep that purse close and slap any tramp that touches it.
Here’s more of the royal family looking like melting candle people while posing in the ugliest suite at the Marriott. I know I said this yesterday, but I need to say it again: Prince George’s gown is flawless and I’m sure Andre Leon Talley is having a copy made right now. Sorry, ALT, but you just don’t have the pudgy, short, tiny baby arms needed to work that lace gown like PG does.