Duchess Meghan and Prince Hot Ginge got married three days ago, and so they should be fucking their sand-covered genitals off in a Sandals Resort room as THE QUEEN examines their mating skills with a magnifying glass to make sure the banger is going in the mash all the way. (Again, they still do that tradition, right?) But it’s hard out there for a British royal, because they had to go back to work today.
Meghan Markle met Prince Charles about 90 seconds ago (okay, eight months ago, if you picky bitches really want to get technical), but yet I guess she felt close enough to him to ask him to escort her to Prince Hot Ginge (read: she shrugged like, “okay“, when the royal family told her he was going to walk her ass down the aisle). And you know Prince Charles is going to stop halfway through in front of Prince Philip and do that “pull my finger” move. Those geezers can’t help it.
When Thomas Markle found a surefire way to get out of a wedding (tip: if you want to get out of going to a boring wedding, get heart surgery), the royal family and whoever the British royal version of Jennifer Lopez in The Wedding Planner is had to figure out who’s going to walk Meghan down the aisle. The obvious choice was her mom Doria Ragland, because they’re close and it’d be a MODERN start to this MODERN wedding. (“Bitch, please!” – said Queen Victoria who walked two of her daughters down the aisle.) And some thought that Meghan may make a statement by walking herself down the aisle. Kensington Palace announced today that her future father-in-law and Lady Elaine Fairchild’s long-lost twin brother, Prince Charles, will do the job.
The real Prince Hot Ginge’s bachelor party hasn’t happened yet, apparently, but it’s looking like it’s going to go down at a resort in the fancy Swiss ski town of Verbier. (Yes, the same town where PHG’s best man Prince William caused coochies to burst with his clit-tingling dance moves. So Verbier better duct tape down their chonies, because P. Willy’s gonna blow them off once again.) Since PHG is now a boring soon-to-be husband and is no longer a vodka-snorting naked party whore (BOOO!), his bachelor party will probably be a snooze. But no matter how boring it is, it won’t be as sad as the sight of the bachelor party staged by lookalikes at the Regent’s Canal in London today.
Queen Elizabeth II is 91 years old, and no 91-year-old needs to keep working at that age. They should be gobbling scones and binging on East Enders reruns on their couch. The Queen has decided that it’s time to give up her job as the Head of the Commonwealth, and according to The Telegraph, it’s going to her first son, Prince Charles. As expected.
The Commonwealth Games, which I take is the Farrah Franklin to the Beyoncé Olympics, are off to a start down in Australia. Because THE QUEEN is not the spring chicken she once was and is too busy on corgi duty, she sends minions to handle her business in far-flung destinations. While those Down Under were probably hoping the youngins would come in place of Grammy, they got stuck with Prince Charles and Duchess Camilla, the latter of whom seemed like she’d rather be at home watching Suits reruns. Continue reading
As we’ve heard throughout the years, the name Camilla Parker Bowles apparently sends THE QUEEN running down the halls of Buckingham Palace with her corgis if she hears her approaching, per a new book. The Daily Mail has another excerpt from Tom Bower’s upcoming biography on Prince Charles, and it sounds like when he wasn’t waging war with Prince William, he was taking it from his mother. Charles is beginning to sound more like the cuckold of Wales!