Category: Praise Be!
A Kansas City Pastor Apologizes To His Congregation For Calling Them “Broke And Busted” After NOT Receiving A New Watch
If Jesus’ eye is on the sparrow, then Kansas City Pastor Carlton Funderburke‘s eyes are on the prize since he expects tokens of gratitude from his congregation. Apparently, Carlton won’t be taking any vows of poverty and wants his congregation to shower him with love, affection, and gifts. But Hell hath no fury like a Pastor scorned, especially after not receiving a coveted Movado watch he requested last year. After discovering he never received the watch, he turned on his congregation in a viral video where he encouraged them with loving words like “broke“, “busted” and “disgusted“. Now, with the spirit of the Lord touching his heart (and a possible reprimand from the church board) Carlton is apologizing to his congregation for introducing them to his demonic alter ego – Pastor Not-So-Funderburke.
Boo And Pistol Depp Have Been Saved!
Johnny Depp and Amber Heard’s Yorkies, Boo and Pistol, will not be put down and turned into weave pieces for Queen Gina of The Real Housewives of Melbourne to wear. Australia’s Minister of Agriculture, Barnaby Joyce, threatened Boo and Pistol with a date with the Grim Reaper if they didn’t leave the country. Boo and Pistol escaped death and are now on a private jet headed back to the US.
This highly important international incident all started when Johnny Depp brought Boo and Pistol into Australia without following the country’s quarantine laws. Boo and Pistol were supposed to spend 10 days in a government quarantine facility. They didn’t. So Barnaby Joyce signed their deportation papers. Australia gave Johnny and Amber 50 hours to send their Yorkies back to the US. Johnny and Amber had until Saturday to put their Yorkies on a plane and they did just that on Friday night (Australia time).
OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE
I don’t know what’s gotten into him, but sometime last night, God gave up torturing us by freezing our asses in snow or making the closest store to my house run out of Cool Ranch Ds (THANKS, ASSHOLE), and decided to channel his inner Oprah and mercifully start granting prayer requests like it was the goddamn Favorite Things episode of our lives. All of our prayers are coming true, people! First Tantrum Toddler gets arrested for a DUI, and now there’s a possibility that my BRUCIE might be joining the 18th Season of Dancing With The Stars! God’s in a good mood and he’s granting all our wishes, so if you’ve ever wanted bigger titties or for the earth to open up and swallow Kris Jenner back into the 7th Layer of Hell, now’s the time!
I’ll be getting out my nicest scented pink note paper and a fresh glitter gel pen to write God a very sincere Thank You note today, because Us Weekly is reporting that the second-most talented Kardashian (second only to Khole, who is able to crush cans with her She-Hulk snatch) Bruce Jenner is in talks to appear on your Nana’s favorite show to fall asleep to:
“He’s dying to do it,” an insider tells Us. “The show is close to locking him in.”
Jenner has stepped into the ballroom before — as an audience member. The star previously cheered on stepdaughter Kim Kardashian, as she took 11th place in Season 7 with professional dancer Mark Ballas. Kim’s younger brother, Rob Kardashian, followed in her footsteps when he joined Season 13 of the dancing competition in 2011. He and Cheryl Burke were eliminated in week 10.
“He would have fun with it,” Rob told Us.
Have fun with it? Rob, you fucking sock-hawking dummy, he’d DOMINATE that competition with his raw sex appeal and sensuality. Can you imagine Bruce gracefully waltzing across the floor to Endless Love as his beautiful freedom-tail shimmers against the sequins on his costume? Uh oh. I knew I shouldn’t have pictured Bruce grinding against Cheryl Burke so soon after scrolling through those hot pictures of Joe Exotic. I’m going to need a change of pants, a million towels, whatever they used to soak up the Iowa River flood (probably sawdust?) and a moment to catch my breath.
(Pic via Splash)