The Spice Girls have apparently been trying to put together a 20th anniversary reunion tour, and we already know that Posh Spice isn’t doing it because she has officially retired from half-assed lip-synching while pointing at things. Now one of America’s most esteemed and trustworthy literary journals Life & Style is reporting that Sporty Spice doesn’t want to do the tour either, and so Scary Spice, Baby Spice and Ginger Spice have come up with an idea that makes me think they were possessed by Satan. This idea is one of the most unholiest things I’ve ever heard. The Spice Girls are planning to hold tryouts to replace Posh and Sporty. Some source dribbled out these evil words:
“It wasn’t a surprise that Victoria would decline the tour, but the girls really hit the roof when Mel C ditched too.
The girls are going to be making a formal announcement about tryouts for their spots in the next few weeks. Posh and Sporty can be replaced.”
Okay, truthfully, if the Spice Girls put a snobby-looking broomstick in a wig onstage and called it Posh, nobody would really question that, and in fact, the audience would probably talk about how she looked more lively than usual. But replacing Sporty who is only the only Spice Girl who can sing? When the Spice Girls sang, “Make it last forever, friendship never ends,” they weren’t just singing lyrics. They were also singing a legal oath to each other. So if Scary, Baby and Geri actually hold auditions, they’ll be breaking that legal oath. Their next reunion show will be in a prison mess hall after they’re jailed for committing an illegal act of betrayal!
According to my rough and probably not correct estimation, Victoria Beckham has appeared on the cover of a type of Vogue magazine approximately 1,854 times. I say “a type of Vogue“, because all her covers have been limited to the less-prestigious overseas versions of Vogue, like Vogue UK, Vogue Australia, Vogue India, and most recently – and hilariously – Vogue China. There was talk of Posh’s intensely sculpted cheekbones gracing the cover of American Vogue back in 2011, but that never happened. And it won’t happen if Posh keeps thinking thinking such pessimistic thoughts about how she’s getting too old to be not-smiling for the cameras.
“When I hear another Vogue cover has come up, I always say, ‘This is the last one, because I’m a bit of an old bag now. Surely this is the last one? I’m 42, I’ve got four kids.'”
Shortly after Posh called herself an “old bag” who was wishing bon voyage to her future Vogue shoots, The Daily Mail says that her rep reached out to them to say that she was “clearly joking” about being too old for Vogue, adding that she’s got “plenty of cover shoots under discussion for the future, Vogue and otherwise.” Then her rep picked up her phone and texted Anna Wintour: “LOL JK JK JK!!! Honestly, it was just a joke – Victoria is totally available any time for an American Vogue cover. She’s definitely not too old, right? She’s totally available to discuss a cover shoot later today if you have the time.”
But back to that thing about Posh being an “old bag.” Posh has barely aged since her finger-pointing days, so I honestly have no idea where she got the idea that she’s too old. Frankly, I’m shocked that Posh is 42-years-old. Not that she’s 42, but that she even has an age. I just assumed she had all forms of government-issued ID replaced years ago with a price tag that reads: “$VeryExpensiveAndFancy.“
The Spice Girls, without a doubt, were the greatest girl band ever. Duh. Don’t argue. There was one in there for all of us. Did you high kick like Sporty or infantilise yourself like Baby? Spout Girl Power words like Ginger or wear zebra print like Scary? Or maybe you pointed your finger like Posh? The finger point was the glue that held the band together, well, until Geri left, and Victoria Beckham‘s biggest contribution. God, I loved her but if you ever went to a show you had to wonder whether she was just a mic stand with a wig on it. Despite giving us the greatest video and song of the Spice solo careers, she’s now confirmed what we knew all along in regards to her singing. Her mic was more often than not off at the shows.
Seen above looking more natural and charismatic than usual, the Spice Girls are reportedly putting together a big tour to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the release of their first single “Wannabe.” Yes, it’s been 20 years since “Wannabe” came out. Yeah, so when you get your nursing home van service to swing by and pick me up for the show, make sure they leave enough room for my walker. Because I’m going to need something sturdy to hang onto when I shake my replaced hip and drop it as low as my knees can take me when the Spice Girls perform “Holler.” Life Alert better double their staff, because we’re all going to be hitting that button when we’ve twerked and can’t get up at the Spice Girls show.
Posh Beckham’s store in Hong Kong officially opened last, and those hating bitches who think she’s a soulless shell of a praying mantis with a heart made of ice-covered coal can suck on their words, because she had a truly special moment with all of the fans who came out to see her. Posh is just too too good to her fans. Posh posted that heartwarming picture on Instagram and added the note:
Loved meeting you all at my store today!
It’s like Posh’s fans are tourists at the zoo of snobby bitches and are watching the rare British species known as Posh Spice in her native habitat (a fancy ass clothing store).
But really, that picture has touched my heart twice. St. Posh’s generosity with her fans just makes me feel things AND thank God her hooves have reunited with high heels. I know Posh can’t help being so kind of heart, but she should be careful. I mean, she should’ve made her fans stand at least 5 feet away from the glass. What if one of her fans touched the glass? That would’ve been too fucking close for comfort.
Oh, those were the days…… When Posh Beckham could hold a baby that weighed more than her while walking on a pair of stilts. But those days are long gone and it’s the end of a high-heeled era.
To me, Posh Beckham was always one of those tricks who could not walk unless her heels were elevated at least 5 inches above the ground. Like if she put on flats, she’d just stand there all stunned like a cat with a sock around its waist, but way bitchier. But I guess 2016 is one of those years where the WTF becomes real-life (see: the election), because Posh has pretty much broken up with high heels. High heels used to be her main bitch and now they’re just her sometime fuck buddy. I guess after years upon years of wearing heels, her feet hurt like your ears whenever she sings live. In an interview with The Telegraph about fashion stuff, Posh says that she mostly wears flats and will wear high heels sometimes.
“I just can’t do heels any more. At least not when I’m working,” she says. “I travel a lot.” True. She’s just returned from half term with the children in LA after the New York show, and is off to Hong Kong for the opening of her second store there in three weeks. “Clothes have to be simple and comfortable.”
“Clothes have to be simple and comfortable.” Who is this Posh? Did Kunty Karl Lagerfeld get jealous of her growing fashion empire and cast a spirit into her? A spirit whose feets hate heels and says things like “Clothes have to be comfortable“? What’s next? John Travolta is going to burn all of his Shih Tzu wigs and let his bald head breathe in air at all times? Shauna Sand is going to melt all of her exquisite Lucite heels and only wear cork heels from now on because they’re better for the environment? Why can’t you just suffer through the pain, Posh? WHY? (And yes, that’s coming from a dude who is barefoot 99% of the time and wears flip flops the other 1% of the time.) Well, it’s a happy day for Posh’s war torn hooves, but it’s a sad day for high heels. Every high heel wearer’s feet are crying out a tear for Posh’s high heel retirement. Or maybe they’re crying out a tear because they hurt from wearing heels.
And now let’s take a high-heeled walk down memory lane….