I spent a good chunk of last night in a restless sleep wondering what horse tranquilizer the non-Posh Spice Girls had fed Victoria Beckham in order to get her to sign on for another Spice Girls reunion, but now it looks like a reunion will be limited to Sporty, Baby, Scary, and Ginger buying Victoria’s Target line on eBay. Continue reading
To answer the question in your head, that’s Victoria Beckham as the come-to-life mannequin and not as the frozen mannequin. I think. Don’t quote me on that.
Posh was a guest on The Late Late Show with James Corden on Wednesday night to promote the day when thousands of women across the land will elbow each other in the throat and kick each other in the ass bones while fighting over a $35 shift dress at Target. Posh’s line for Target comes out on April 9. To promote her line even more, Posh did a thing for The Late Late Show that’s a commercial for Target wrapped in a Mannequin remake and a Carpool Karaoke segment.
What’s shocking about this video is that Posh actually “sings” live for about a second and I don’t think anyone ever thought that was possible. Another shocking thing happened as I watched this Target commercial, I found myself not hating it.
Hollywood has talked about rebooting (aka butchering) Mannequin before, but they can stop completely now. We got this little remake starring Posh and James Corden, so Hollywood can move their evil asses long. Go on, Hollywood, find your next victim to ruin and it better not be Maid to Order! Beverly D’Angelo was recently a guest star on a damn Nickelodeon show. She doesn’t need to suffer more by seeing a Maid to Order reboot.
And here’s Posh struttin’ through LAX the other day.
You can just tell that in the above picture she’s thinking “Of course I’m being honored! Now run me that crown and carry me to the throne room so I can prepare more rib crushing garments for skinny bitches!”
Let’s just get it out the way. I hate Victoria Beckham. She’s a former member of the Jem and the Holograms/Josie and the Pussycats hybrid band the Spice Girls (as Posh Spice). She’s thin. She’s rich. She gets to buss it wide for hot ass David Beckham. And now, she’s about to receive a high British honor: the OBE (or Officer of the Order of the British Empire, for all you non-royal hoes).
The Spice Girls have apparently been trying to put together a 20th anniversary reunion tour, and we already know that Posh Spice isn’t doing it because she has officially retired from half-assed lip-synching while pointing at things. Now one of America’s most esteemed and trustworthy literary journals Life & Style is reporting that Sporty Spice doesn’t want to do the tour either, and so Scary Spice, Baby Spice and Ginger Spice have come up with an idea that makes me think they were possessed by Satan. This idea is one of the most unholiest things I’ve ever heard. The Spice Girls are planning to hold tryouts to replace Posh and Sporty. Some source dribbled out these evil words:
“It wasn’t a surprise that Victoria would decline the tour, but the girls really hit the roof when Mel C ditched too.
The girls are going to be making a formal announcement about tryouts for their spots in the next few weeks. Posh and Sporty can be replaced.”
Okay, truthfully, if the Spice Girls put a snobby-looking broomstick in a wig onstage and called it Posh, nobody would really question that, and in fact, the audience would probably talk about how she looked more lively than usual. But replacing Sporty who is only the only Spice Girl who can sing? When the Spice Girls sang, “Make it last forever, friendship never ends,” they weren’t just singing lyrics. They were also singing a legal oath to each other. So if Scary, Baby and Geri actually hold auditions, they’ll be breaking that legal oath. Their next reunion show will be in a prison mess hall after they’re jailed for committing an illegal act of betrayal!
According to my rough and probably not correct estimation, Victoria Beckham has appeared on the cover of a type of Vogue magazine approximately 1,854 times. I say “a type of Vogue“, because all her covers have been limited to the less-prestigious overseas versions of Vogue, like Vogue UK, Vogue Australia, Vogue India, and most recently – and hilariously – Vogue China. There was talk of Posh’s intensely sculpted cheekbones gracing the cover of American Vogue back in 2011, but that never happened. And it won’t happen if Posh keeps thinking thinking such pessimistic thoughts about how she’s getting too old to be not-smiling for the cameras.
“When I hear another Vogue cover has come up, I always say, ‘This is the last one, because I’m a bit of an old bag now. Surely this is the last one? I’m 42, I’ve got four kids.'”
Shortly after Posh called herself an “old bag” who was wishing bon voyage to her future Vogue shoots, The Daily Mail says that her rep reached out to them to say that she was “clearly joking” about being too old for Vogue, adding that she’s got “plenty of cover shoots under discussion for the future, Vogue and otherwise.” Then her rep picked up her phone and texted Anna Wintour: “LOL JK JK JK!!! Honestly, it was just a joke – Victoria is totally available any time for an American Vogue cover. She’s definitely not too old, right? She’s totally available to discuss a cover shoot later today if you have the time.”
But back to that thing about Posh being an “old bag.” Posh has barely aged since her finger-pointing days, so I honestly have no idea where she got the idea that she’s too old. Frankly, I’m shocked that Posh is 42-years-old. Not that she’s 42, but that she even has an age. I just assumed she had all forms of government-issued ID replaced years ago with a price tag that reads: “$VeryExpensiveAndFancy.“
The Spice Girls, without a doubt, were the greatest girl band ever. Duh. Don’t argue. There was one in there for all of us. Did you high kick like Sporty or infantilise yourself like Baby? Spout Girl Power words like Ginger or wear zebra print like Scary? Or maybe you pointed your finger like Posh? The finger point was the glue that held the band together, well, until Geri left, and Victoria Beckham‘s biggest contribution. God, I loved her but if you ever went to a show you had to wonder whether she was just a mic stand with a wig on it. Despite giving us the greatest video and song of the Spice solo careers, she’s now confirmed what we knew all along in regards to her singing. Her mic was more often than not off at the shows.