If the Oscars and the Emmys are your fancy old uncle who drinks expensive scotch and loves British shows on PBS, then the People’s Choice Awards are your aunt who drinks canned Bay Breezes and asks if you wanna get high in her LeBaron. The People’s Choice Awards are for the people, damn it, and they don’t need prestige or class or gowns that requires every inch of your intestines to be crammed into Spanx.
Blake Lively clearly knows this and after going full-fashion at the Golden Globes two weeks ago, she wore one of Britney Spears’ rejects to the People’s Choice Awards. It’s like she couldn’t find her glasses and just assumed the dress code on the PCA invitation said: “Come dressed as a dancer from a Bob Mackie-inspired cruise ship show who is trying to get fired.” She looks like the messiest pledge at a sorority for ravens.
Some people still don’t understand that you don’t have to try so hard at the People’s Choice Awards. Jennifer Lopez, I’m looking at you.
Saint Laurent’s show at The Hollywood Palladium in L.A. was last night and I guess the invitation read: Come dressed as a strung-out performer in Florida’s Meth Circus. I’m also guessing that Justin Bieber and Lady CaCa were the only ones who followed that dress code because DAMN. Gaga looks like a drunk, clingy auntie who is trying to relive her glory days by wearing one of her favorite outfits from the 80s and Justin Bieber looks like her messy teen nephew who is impatiently waiting for her to pass out into a drunken coma so he can go into her purse and steal enough money to buy a baggy of the bad shit.
If you’ve ever wondered what it would look like if Nancy Spungen played Susan in Desperately Seeking Susan, wonder no more. If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Hmmm, I wonder what it would look like if Harpo Marx played Riff Raff, Columbia AND Magenta in a community theater production of Rocky Horror Picture Show?“, you don’t have to ask yourself that question anymore. Lady Gaga answered both of those questions at the Saint Laurent show last night when she showed up in a sequined blazer that screamed, “affordable Michael Jackson impersonator,” makeup that screamed, “cracked out Casper the Friendly Ghost,” and a wig that looked like a pile of uncooked curly fries.
Gaga, Justin Bieber and his struggle stache managed to achieve the impossible, though. They managed to be the messiest messes at an event that Courtney Love was at. Because when Courtney Love showed up looking clean and hot, I doubt the door person said to her, “Um, no loitering! No loitering,” like they did with the Biebs and Gaga.
So Gaga and Justin Bieber should give themselves a slow clap for that.
And here’s a million more pictures from last night’s show including some of the hotness personified that is the Kravitz family and American-Canadian fresh drew drop Pamela Anderson with her son Brandon Lee who used an entire jar of hair grease to give you “Young Elvis.”
Yesterday, Amish hipster Harry Styles was “caught” (read: the paps showed up at the right place at the right time) kissing on the most legitimate Kardashian, Kendall Jenner, on a yacht in St. Barts. I guess Harry didn’t want to spend another day listening to Kendall’s pimp, Kris Jenner, barking “What is this, amateur hour? Arch your ass harder!” at them from the upper deck, so they called up Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi and invited them over for lunch. “Fine. You get an hour. But after that, it’s back to choreographed cuddling” hissed Kris Jenner, before muttering “Kim would never have taken a break…” under her breath.
According to People, Kendall and Harry had lunch with Ellen and Portia on their yacht, which makes totally sense and isn’t random at all, because why wouldn’t a 57-year-old woman and her 42-year-old wife want to hang out with two fame-humping fetuses? No, it’s probably because Kris Jenner wanted to see if she could get any more mileage out of those gay rumors before retiring them to the back of the Kardashian Rumor Kloset, and Ellen and Portia were the most famous gayelles available in St. Barts.
Here’s more riveting photos of Kendall and Harry having lunch with Ellen and Portia on their yacht earlier today. You know you truly have your priorities in order when all you care about is what they had for lunch. Who cares about those two pieces of stale dry toast – I wanna know what kind of rich people food they ate! Like, those paps took 6.8 million pictures and you mean to tell me they couldn’t get one clear shot of the food? Jesus, get it together.
American Treasure Betty White Won A People’s Choice Award And Was Escorted To The Stage By Captain America
I’m sure my 94-year-old neighbor Mrs. Lee saw this tender moment between Betty White and Chris Evans at the 2015 People’s Choice Awards and was like “Oh, that Spider Man – such a gentleman” (because everyone is Spider Man to grandma types).
Because I stopped giving my brain exercise a long time ago, I watched the People’s Choice Awards last night. Or at least as much as my brain could handle, till it began screaming “ENOUGH!!!” and made me change the channel to something more mentally stimulating, like Pick A Puppy. But what I did see was 93-year-old life legend and sassy lil’ slice of lemon meringue pie Betty White accepting the award for Favorite TV Icon (how kind of Bruce Jenner to decline the award and give it to the next in line). Of course, an icon like Betty should never walk anywhere without a hot entourage, so hot hottie Chris Evans popped out of his seat and escorted her to the stage. Not shown: what I assume was at least 50 other dudes behind him fighting over the privilege of offering their arm to one of the Golden Girls.
But it wasn’t all about Betty. How rude, I know. Other people took home awards too, including 2014’s version of Jenna Elfman Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting for Favorite Comedic TV Actress, The Big Bang Theory for Favorite TV Show and Favorite Network TV Comedy, Melissa & Joey for Favorite Cable TV Comedy (wait, WHAT?), Tay Tay Swift and her BFF Ed Sheeran as Favorite Female and Male Artist, and Maleficent for Favorite Movie. Unfortunately, Angelina Jolie couldn’t be there in person to accept her award, because she was too busy working miracles for the Pope in Italy. You can see the whole list of winners is here, if you need that in your life.
Sadly, Betty didn’t walk the red carpet before or after the show (probably because a true icon gives the poor 2s and 3s of the world a moment in the spotlight every once in a while), but everyone else did, so here’s all the famous types from the People’s Choice awards, including Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting wearing some kind of sheer-paneled classy/slutty jumpsuit culottes thing, Anna Faris looking like a fancy Vegas bride, and Kat Dennings working that A+ goth brothel madame game:
When Jimmy Kimmel marries his co-head writer Molly McNearney at the Ojai Valley Inn & Spa, every trick and tramp in Hollywood shows up. They all showed up. It looked like the drink line at the People’s Choice Awards. (I almost said the Golden Globes, but Johnny Knoxville was there and they’d never let his ass in.) Jennifer Aniston, Justin Theroux, Dax Shepard, Kristen Bell, Ellen Degeneres, Portia de Rossi, Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner and Matt Damon all showed their faces, and Gabourey Sidibe made everyone’s rings get tight and feet swell when she strolled in looking like an exploding Cool Whip factory.
I’m guessing that Jimmy is putting some of his wedding on his show and that’s why the Big Bombshell of Brooklyn showed up in a wedding dress. So on the next Jimmy Kimmel Live, expect to see Gabourey bum rushing down the aisle and body slamming Molly. We’re all going to laugh while watching workers scrape off pieces of Molly that’s stuck between those stones in the ground. But really, I’m surprised that Ben Affleck didn’t crash the wedding in a white dress so Jimmy Kimmel would have a reason to sing an acoustic version of “I’m Fucking Ben Affleck” at the altar.
And I hope that on his show, Jimmy shows the part of his wedding where Molly threw the bouquet and Jennifer Aniston chinned every bitch to get to it.
Portia de Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres’ 26-acre, $16 million horse ranch in Hidden Valley (and now I want some ranch dressing) will never have a drop of baby diarrhea on its floors and the maids will never have to scrub toddlers barf out of their imported French rugs, because they plan to remain child-free forever. While every trick in Hollywood is filling her uterus with a fetus, Portia tells Out Magazine she and Ellen decided a long time ago that the only thing they’re going to use a turkey baster for is to suck their clits with. (Related: Why did I read this entire article on the many uses of a turkey baster?)
“There comes some pressure in your mid-30s, and you think, Am I going to have kids so I don’t miss out on something that other people really seem to love? Or is it that I really genuinely want to do this with my whole heart? I didn’t feel that my response was ‘yes’ to the latter. You have to really want to have kids, and neither of us did. So it’s just going to be me and Ellen and no babies — but we’re the best of friends and married life is blissful, it really is. I’ve never been happier than I am right now.”
You know, I’ve asked myself the same thing. In 20 years when I’m sitting at the Thanksgiving table with my 9 dogs and we’re all fighting over the last turkey drumstick, am I going to wish that there was a kid across from me, telling me how much I ruined their life and that they hate me and they wish that I would choke on a jellied-slice of canned cranberry sauce? Is my black heart of bitterness going to be incomplete without that moment? Probably not, because I’ll be too drunk to notice. Yes, misery loves company, but that’s what Jack Daniels is for.
And that cover is giving me major “Justin Bieber does Laugh-In” vibes.