Taylor Swift must be in full on Serpentor rage mode this morning. Last night, she probably received a DM from her arch-nemesis Katy Perry depicting the “Swish Swish” bish posing with Pope Francis of all people! “Didn’t she kill A NUN?!?!“ Taylor must have hissed to whichever bicurious Victoria’s Secret model she currently has lying around the Pippy Yawnstocking Palace. “WHERE’S MY INVITE? I JUST RELEASED TWO VIDEOS FOR THE SAME SONG AND I HAVE MULTIPLE STALKERS! I’m way more popular than that tramp!” Or so you can imagine.
It’s true, Katy Perry, 33, and boyfriend Orlando Bloom, 41, met the Pope, 81. Orlando was wise enough not to wear his paddleboarding outfit. Take it from me, a lapsed Catholic, the Church frowns upon nude paddleboarding. It’s in the Bible.
“Hold my Hay-soos staff, hunty, I’m about to read a bitch raw.” – Pope Fran Fran in that picture right before he let Donald Trump have it.
Just when you’re beginning to think that there’s no way this Cirque du SoFuckingWeird of an election could get more bizarre, a beef you never saw coming plops onto the surface of your eyes. Pope Francis held a kiki with reporters on his plane while flying back to Rome from Mexico, and a journalist asked him for his thoughts about Donald Trump wanting to build a wall between the US and our southern neighbor.
Fresh off from shoveling snow off of the driveways of Oscar voters in the Northeast (he didn’t do that, I think) and personally delivering 200,000 bottles of water with “Vote 4 Leo” on the label to Flint, Michigan (he didn’t do that either, I think), Leonardo DiCatchAHo took his ass to the Vatican to meet up with the ~cool~ Pope. Pope Franny is probably thinking to himself, “Bless this thirsty trick’s heart…” And Leo is probably resisting the urge to motorboat that big, white chichi on the Pope’s head.
Leo is really making sure that when he wins the Oscar next month, he can say, “Thanks, God,” and mean it. Leo had a quick kiki with God’s Catholic ambassador inside of the Apostolic Palace at the Vatican today and I’m sure he asked the pope to pray for him to win that Oscar, but ABC News says he was mostly there to talk about climate change. Before they got into that, Leo gave Pope Fran Fran a book of works by the 15th-century Dutch painter Hieronymus Bosch. Leo told the Pope that a copy of Bosch’s “Garden of Earthly Delights” hung over his crib as a baby (File that under: Things that explain everything).
Leo used that painting to move into the topic of the environment. Leo is slick:
DiCaprio said he thought the painting also represented Francis’ environmental concerns.
Francis’ encyclical Laudato Si (Praise Be) has been embraced by environmentalists for its denunciation of the world’s fossil fuel-based economy and its demand for greener energy sources.
An assistant then handed Francis an envelope and explained it was a check for the pope to use for charity works “close to your heart.”
Di Caprio, nominated for an Oscar for his role in “The Revenant,” is a longtime environmental campaigner who in 1998 launched his Leonardo DiCaprio Foundation to support initiatives aimed at sustainability.
I can hear some of you cynical whores saying that you bet Leo traveled to Vatican City in a private jet, a helicopter and a Hummer, but think again. Sources tell me that Leonardo traveled from New York to Italy on the back of a whale and he got to the Vatican by taking a piggyback ride on Lukas Haas, thankyouverymuch!
“Big Papa Frankie – he lets me call him that – asked me out weeks ago and we had a beautiful long date and he told me he loved me, showered me with gifts and promised me that we’d be in each other’s hearts forever.”
Today, Pope Francis was like:
“Errr, yeah, we went out, but after 5 minutes, I acted like I had to go to the bathroom and left while blocking her number on my phone.”
We’ve all been there.
Last night, a Liberty Counsel lawyer for Kim Davis, noted Kentucky fame whore and proud killer of gay marriage dreams, released a long ass statement claiming that Pope Francis invited her to meet with him during his visit to DC. Kim claims they hugged and he gave her and her husband two blessed rosaries. Kim Davis’ lawyer has lied about shit before. So when I read about her supposed meeting with the pope, I threw a squinty side-eye that said, “Uh huh, bitch, and Pope Francis also did a quick day trip to California to meet with me and we got drunk on Andre, messaged hot guys on Grindr and re-enacted our favorite scenes from Showgirls. I let him be the Cristal this time, because you know, he’s the pope.” Kim Davis’ claim that she met Pope Francis reminded me of when a girl in my 8th grade class told everyone that she met Zachery Ty Bryan from Home Improvement during a family vacation to the Virgin Islands and he asked her out, but she said no, because she had a boyfriend. Well, it turns out she was telling the truth. Kim Davis, not that girl from the 8th grade.
Pope Francis is currently in Philadelphia, and last night he attended an event called the World Meeting of Families, which was hosted by his second-biggest fan, Mark Wahlberg. Of course, this shouldn’t be confused with the Underworld Meeting of Families, a semi-annual event hosted in Hell by Kris Jenner.
Even though Mahky Mahk is from Boston, someone in Philadelphia decided that he was the best Catholic to be the master of ceremonies. What, was Mac from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia not available? Anyway, they gave Mahky Mahk a podium and a weird-looking mic and let him do his thing. Of course, the first thing he did was make a joke about Ted.
Shade, thy name is The Pope’s tiny side-eye at the end there, where it looks like he’s thinking “My son, even Jesus can’t forgive you for The Happening.” Or maybe that’s just his “Lord, cut his mic and bring the singing kid back out” face. And way to rat out that kid, Mark. Do you know how much shit he’s going to take from the nuns after they find out he watched such blasphemous garbage?
EW says that Donnie’s brother also introduced performances by Aretha Franklin, Andrea Bocelli, Juanes, and The Fray. Since Pope Francis is the Cool Pope (or so I’ve heard), I wonder if Marky Mark ever thought to bring out the Funky Bunch and sing “Good Vibrations“? I’m sure Pope Francis would have appreciated that. Although that’s not exactly Cool Pope specific, since everybody loves “Good Vibrations.”
And here’s Mark Wahlberg looking like the dude at a party who keeps asking people to guess how old he is (“29 right? I usually get 29“) at a screening of Invincible in Philadelphia on Friday night.